How to deal with the fallout after affair

[FoxyTerrier]

Am new here, but have been lurking for advice/support for a while. I need some advice/thoughts please.

DP of 21 years has had an affair. I am just stunned and wounded beyond belief. OW's husband called me from the other side of the globe to tell me 8 weeks ago now...am finding it so hard to process.

A bit of background: have 2 dc, been very happily together for ages...best friends and soulmates really. We had a business together, which has been hard recently, so DP went back to his old line of work 2 yrs ago. Cant go into loads of detail, but works from home, tho it's a worldwide company. Employees come together twice a year, a week at a time. He met OW who also has young kids, is married and she lives abroad. They bonded over a shared interest, and on return from the meet-up kept in contact by instant messaging. This progressed onto more flirty, sexual stuff and at the next big company meet up they slept together. They then continued to email/message daily, said they were in love with each other, etc...but couldn't see a way to be together...all a bit 'star crossed lovers' I guess. I felt something was wrong; was distant, uncharacteristically grumpy and arsey with me; but I just couldn't think why/who. Assumed it was work/my business pressures. He says he was guilt ridden.

Anyway, since finding out, DP has cut all contact and is nothing but remorseful. He is doing all the 'right things'...being in contact with me throughout the day, open with phone/computer passwords, loving, kind...back to his old self. He cannot explain why he let this happen; in fact, why he positively encouraged it and that once the bubble had been burst (ie. after OW husband phonecall to me)..it all just fell away and was rootless. He said he could 'see it for what it was'...and has no interest in it at all...I think it was thrill seeking initially, but I guess progressed into more. He almost wants to just move on, but I just cannot. We are reading 'More than Friends' at the moment and that is helping..he will talk and listen to me for hours about it. But I just get so angry at times...and I don't know where that comes from - I guess a flashback will set me off/image of them together..the thought of them having 'internet sex' in our house...the list is endless. I feel so raw and sad at times, and then completely warm and in love at others.. It's confusing and I don't know where to go next with it.

I am making it worse my looking online at a music site, that OW is on..I know that she is playing 'significant' songs (to them)...and lots of other stuff, that has very loaded lyrics...(it was music that bonded them, so I know this could be used by her as a weapon)..DP hasn't seen this site, but I have and it's driving me insane...I know I shouldn't torture myself with it..it sounds pathetic. But makes me think she's not over it.

Last night, I was prodding for more detail..it transpired they had sent each other naked photos of each other and it has made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I am in a bad place today and don't know how to dig myself out of the hole. We've made such a promising start, and now I think I might just blow it out, cos I can bare the thought of these pictures.

Any thoughts/help/advice would be so gratefully received. Have confided in one fabulous friend, but find it so hard to keep it together with work/kids/family etc.

Sorry this is so long....am amazed if you've got this far!

MistAll, unfortunately, I am coming to the conclusion today. Just didn't think he was like that though

JoinYourPlayfellows What you've said is pretty much how he describes it...all took place in a fake environment, where everything was layed on, no responsibilities (?), and just sort of an extension of the online fantasy. He said he was thinking of leaving as the guilt had got so bad, and he could see not other way out at that point...though didn't want to. It really is a complete headf*ck.

I am very sorry, Foxy

Sometimes you really do have to judge people on what they do not what they say

Look, you don't owe him anything. He's made a relationship-ending decision without even considering your feelings on that matter.

So you owe him nothing here.

But a few days ago you wanted to get past this. Today you're not sure.

I think given how recently you found all of this out, it is entirely normal that you are vacillating between emotions.

Your wish to sort things out might be as much about an attempt to restore the past (you can't) and a desire to have a future with this man.

But here are the things I think you have going for you should you decide to stay with him

1. The affair was something conducted far away, when you were far away, and not in the day-to-day context of your relationship
2. As soon as the affair bubble burst it was immediately obvious to him that he didn't want it to continue and that it was all a load of bullshit.
3. He felt guilty about it even when it was going on.

I hate when people call affairs "mistakes" because they are not, they are multiple deliberate decisions to deceive over an extended period of time.

But those decisions are often made because of self-delusion.

And it is really easy to delude yourself when you are away on an intense week of bonding far away from your family.

Why do you think the company organises the meeting that way?

Because if you stick people in close quarters for an extended period, you can intensify people's feelings and create a heightened sense of belonging and connection.

He's a gobshite and got totally carried away with that. But I guess I can see how he could compartmentalise it away from his real, actual life with you. I mean, it WAS totally separate.

He wasn't coming home to you every night after seeing his mistress and telling you lies about where he had been. You didn't know her. You were never going to meet her.

In his proper life she had NO reality. Except the online contact he kept going with her.

As I said, you need to do what is right for you here. But you KNOW this man.

You do know him, even if you can't trust him at the moment (and you shouldn't), you've known him for years. And I doubt you were wrong about him.

But you didn't factor in (and neither did he) how stupid and self-indulgent people can be if they are given space to be, seemingly without consequences.

Foxy, just chiming in to say keep your chin up. My DP of 19 years did it to me - an 18 month affair. We're 16 months down the line now. It gets easier but it's not easy. My DP was patient and listened and understood etc but he also had a few impatient off-days. It didn't mean he was with her/wanting her...it's guilt.

The OW here made it very easy - she insulted my youngest son via Twitter (he was 4 at the time, I'm not joking) and was a bit of a stalker - then she tried to sue me for defamation (unsuccessfully). My DP now has nothing but contempt - I'm a bit more sympathetic lately but I'd still shave her head if I could (joking...ish). Before the bad behaviour on her part, we were in contact being very supportive to each other. Then she started sending emails to DP (copying me in) starting them 'To my...' and ending them 'Love always, your ....'. Cranksville.

I wouldn't suggest ramming it down his throat - talk about it inside and out but don't beat him over the head repeatedly to see how much he can take. A few people seem to think this is a good test of character but I disagree (been there, done that). All it does is drive you both round the bend.

Best advice I can give you (which I wish I could give to him instead) would be to get your talking/questions/puzzles dealt with early on. Get to the truth/bones of it and then put it all in an inner-mentality bin bag. I went ballistic over something stupid that he hadn't told me the other day...But remember 18 months is a long time. There will be things buried in his head that he doesn't even think to tell you. Its different to a one-night thing or a 2 month job. He won't have been taking notes of every word he uttered or every bag of crisps he bought her (as hard as that is to acknowledge). But he wouldn't be going on that trip. Definitely not. That would boil my piss.

If you want to stay together, commit to giving him that ONE chance. If he fucks up again, get rid for good. It's the kind of hell that someone who genuinely loves you might put you through once, but not twice. Just my take on it all but it's different for everyone. So difficult to advise anything xx

I wonder if it would be helpful to have some time or place you do talk about it. For example, in the car or going for a walk (it can be easier to talk if you're not facing each other)? That way the questions, accusations, hurtful facts etc don't just pop out and they don't happen in bed or whilst cooking dinner.

That's a brilliant idea Vivacia - I wish we'd done that from the start. I was very erratic and it would come out as we were going somewhere or about to eat. Not healthy at all.

Vivacia yes, good idea...am finding dogwalks are good for chatting. But there never seems to be enough time to get it all out, so it ends up seeping into bedtimes and mealtimes. I will suggest we are more structured about it now though...we had a family 'do' today and I went on a rant before we were about to leave, which is not healthy. I hate what it has done to us.
Playfellows Can really identify with your points, thanks for putting those ideas down so clearly.
UpNotDown so sorry you've been through this too, but encouraging to hear you have worked things out...it sounds has if you've had a really tough time. I don't know how I'd deal with OW chipping in on top of everything else..that must be terrible. I really want to find it within myself to stick it all in a 'mental bin-bag'

Playfellows - thank you for your post. Many of your points correspond to my situation too, and I'll think back to what you've said when I get the dark days blues.

Foxy it is normal to change your mind countless times about what you want. I'm 18 months on, and really very happy, but I still have the odd day when 'it' overwhelms me and I decide the only solution is to LTB. It isn't, we're good together, and finally happy, but the hurt runs deep.

No one can tell you what to do, other than remind you to put yourself first... probably for the first time in your life, and be kind to yourself.

Great advice upnotdown, I agree.

How are you doing foxy?