He hit me

[ontherocks]

Last night my boyfriend slapped me 4 times. I'm upset, in shock.

I've recently left a marriage and have 2 children. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. He's slapped me a couple of times before but we've spoken, dealt with the issue and moved on. The children are not involved, they don't even know I'm/was seeing someone.

He called me a whore and hit me because another man had spoken to me in a shop, no flirting or anything.

He's screamed at me that it's over, I left after being knocked off my feet after the 4th slap.

Thing is I'm devastated. What's wrong with me? I would never tolerate this before yet I'm hoping he'll get in touch and apologise. I just needed to get this down as my heart is pounding, I feel sick and I need to put on a brave face for my children and act like nothing's happened. They were staying with my parents last night as was I.

[Abbykins1]

He's a *unt.

[ouryve]

Run. Very far. He's not even waited until you're a long term couple. It will only get worse if you stick with him.

[annhathaway]

so mist would you same the same about rape?

Both are assaults against women. One just happens to be with a penis and not a hand/fist.

[wontletmesignin]

There is nothing wrong with you!
There is something wrong with him, and im afraid it is something that cannot be fixed.

Stay well away from him. If you work with him, then inform your supervisor.
Ring the police. Dont let him get away with this.

Stop wantig an apology too. Even if he did say sorry, the words would be hollow.
He does not deserve another second of your thoughts.

Phone womens aid also, they are a great help.
And dont be scared to confide in your friends and family. You need all the support you can get.

What he has done is awful. You deserve so much more.

Take care and stay strong xx

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

I am saying it OP's choice about what she does. It doesn't matter what you or I would do. I would also support a woman who had been raped if she couldn't bring herself to report it. Would you not, Ann ?

[GillyBillyWilly]

Never ever see this cunt again unless you absolutely have to... And IF you have to, take a friend/family member with you.
Involve the police if you want to.... Many women would... Many wouldn't.... But either way, realise you can do a million times better and cut him out your life.

[annhathaway]

All I think -Mist- is that at this stage the right thing to do is try to encourage the OP to think through the consequences of her actions..whatever she chooses to do.

My own opinion which is what we are all giving here- is that she needs to be aware of her own safety first and foremost.

[CocktailQueen]

He slapped you before and you stayed with him?? And this is a new relationship??

He is an abuser. Report to the police now. He may have done this before.

Agree with jointhedots - is he going to slap you every time you talk to someone?

You have done nothing to be ashamed of - HE HAS.

You are well rid.

[annhathaway]

I think the OP has made it clear it's over- she's wanting to know what to do next when he contacts her and whether to tell people , inc police.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Think through the consequences of her actions, Ann ? Really ? That is getting uncomfortably close to victim-blaming, IMO.

I agree she has the power to make him face the consequences of his own but she is not obliged to do so, and making her feel like she has to report him for the good of other women looks like making it her fault if he ever hits somebody else.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Don't get me wrong, Ann. I think the best thing to do is to report but if she can't she doesn't deserve any less support. Piles of pressure to respond in a certain way is more likely to make her withdraw from potential guidance.

[wontletmesignin]

What consequences to what actions?? OP has been a victim of DV. I dont understand whay consequences you could be talking about?

[EXTERMINATEpeppa]

Ontherocks.

Stay strong

[annhathaway]

I mean that she might be worried that if she reports him he could come after her. She has to balance what is right for her own safety and what might help that- and possibly other women. I thought this was obvious. A talking to by the police might send him scarpering - out of her life altogether - and as a bonus might also change the way he behaves to women, full stop.I'm not the only one here saying this.

[Vivacia]

I'm with you mist it's the OP's choice to tell and putting pressure on her to consider other possible victims is unsupportive. Ann I find your description of rape offensive. I'm sure you didn't mean to but I felt that you were minimising rape as being just like a punch.

[annhathaway]

I wasn't minimising rape- I was maximising slapping.

[ontherocks]

Once again thank you for your amazingly supportive threads. He sent me a further 3 messages, apologising etc which I've ignored. I've just messaged him what you wrote in your message Mist.

I've spoken to my friend and I'm going to stay here tonight, my parents are having the children.

I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed, more so because of the awful things he said. The slaps hurt but his words did cut deep. I know I should never have let him off the first time but I really liked him, how pathetic does that sound? I'm totally gutted but I know this is the right thing to do.

I'm dreading seeing him, totally dreading it but I will have someone with me and I know (hope) he wouldn't dare do anything or say anything in front of anyone else.

Your messages have really helped me, thank you so much.

[Vivacia]

Ok Ann let's leave it there. I don't think ontherock's thread is the right place for a discussion about the similarities and differences of rape and assault.

[Vivacia]

Aww, ontherock don't put yourself down about having gone back to him in the past. The important thing is protecting yourself and your children's safety now and in the future.

Some good book and website recommendations above.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Ann, I can see you are trying to be helpful. We all are.

OP that is a seriously good plan. Continue to ignore him now. Engaging will not help either you or him. You being a nice and reasonable person may start to feel sorry for him if he ramps up the emotional blackmail. That would be a monumental mistake. So best that you don't give him the opportunity. You have the control here, make sure you keep it x

[qazxc]

As you mentioned in other posts this is someone you are likely to run into. So i would tell him that you don't want contact/ approaching, just so that you have made it clear.
Write down everything that has happened and add any additional contact if he refuses to leave you alone, keep a diary. You will need this in case he doesn't get the message and you need to get a restraining order.
I know that you don't feel you can talk to your parents about it, but please consider telling a friend or ringing domestic violence charities for support.

[humphryscorner]

Op really hope your ok.

I genuinely have been in your position. Even though my ex strangled me and did other hidious things I stayed for five years. It NEVER got better as he didn't respect/love because you can't love somebody and physically or mentally abuse them.

I could never understand why on some level I wanted him to beg, get on his knees and apologise - which he did at first but after awhile he couldn't be arsed to even do that. To be honest I think it was my low self esteem at the time.

Op at the time I left it was the most physically painful thing I ever did. He was cry, I was crying, my relative who was driving me was crying. She even suggested I give him one more chance.

It took me a while to fully understand what an utter scum bag he was. And see him for who he really is.

How would you feel if he hit one of your children? Phone the police , he assaulted you. You can do this

[Only1scoop]

So relieved you are with a friend who will support you. This post has really hit a nerve with me. Leave it at that now....please do not reply to any other texts etc....if you are contacted again by him please follow through with what you said in text and report him immediately.
Stop questioning the situation....the hurtful words etc....the abuse. This is a controlling man. He doesn't deserve your time. Sit and think how you would feel if a friend/daughter/neice was being treated this way.
No brainier....be relieved x

[theQuibbler]

Ontherocks - you've had some good advice on this thread and I hope it has been helpful. I would just like to add that I think it would be very useful for you to still contact Woman's Aid for some ongoing support and also to think about attending the Freedom programme they run, which helps give you tools to recognise and stay away from abusive men.
It does sound as though you need some help recognising boundaries and what constitutes acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

If you don't work out why you thought it was OK to stay with a man that hit you in order for him to do it again, then you're in very grave danger of ending up with someone similar again. It's not your fault at all, but it does have to be tackled.

[annhathaway]

Agree. Women's Aid is not the police but it's outside support that I think you'd find helpful.