He hit me

[ontherocks]

Last night my boyfriend slapped me 4 times. I'm upset, in shock.

I've recently left a marriage and have 2 children. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. He's slapped me a couple of times before but we've spoken, dealt with the issue and moved on. The children are not involved, they don't even know I'm/was seeing someone.

He called me a whore and hit me because another man had spoken to me in a shop, no flirting or anything.

He's screamed at me that it's over, I left after being knocked off my feet after the 4th slap.

Thing is I'm devastated. What's wrong with me? I would never tolerate this before yet I'm hoping he'll get in touch and apologise. I just needed to get this down as my heart is pounding, I feel sick and I need to put on a brave face for my children and act like nothing's happened. They were staying with my parents last night as was I.

[DeMaz]

Get.Out.Of.This.Relationship!!

What would you say if it was one of your childrens partners hitting them? What would you advise?

He's started hitting you, two months into the relationship. If you stay with him he may move on to your children next. Please don't stay with him!

[tinmug]

I just can't work it out in my head

There is nothing to work out. He's a fucking piece of shit. It really, truly IS that simple. It needs no analysis, no thought, no further explanation. There's no great mystery to be cracked here, he's not a great guy underneath it all, you don't need to make allowances for him. He is vile.

[muddylettuce]

You've been assaulted. This is not normal or right or anything you could have prevented and you are not to blame. Call the police and end the relationship. You don't have to work anything out in your head. Good luck. X

[VulvaVoom]

My father was violent to my DM, she left him when I was 2. Do you think I would have a close relationship with her now if she'd stayed and I'd witnessed any more of it? No, I'm grateful because she got out, she did what she knew was best for me and her and I'm eternally grateful to her for that. Don't let your DCs go through this.

[ontherocks]

Thank you for all of your advice and support. I couldn't bring myself to tell my parents so I've come to a friends house. He sent me a text asking if I would talk to him which I ignored. He then sent me another message saying he was drunk (no excuse whatsoever) he vaguely remembers some stuff that happened, he feels absolutely awful, he's sorry, I didn't deserve it etc. I've also ignored that. I'm not as shaky anymore and reading your messages has really helped put everything into perspective.

I will not take him back. As I said in my initial post I have to see him most days. Do you think I should respond saying something along the lines of that he's never to contact me again or approach me when he sees me or should I just carry in ignoring him? I really don't feel up to contacting the police.

[FluffyJumper]

I might send one text saying 'pleas do not contact again or approach me if you see me'. And then leave it at that. No more responses, no matter what he says/does.

[Only1scoop]

Op so glad you have updated. Tell him to never contact you again and stand by it. I went back a second time after the apologies/remorse and paid the price. In my experience this wont be first time. Please don't see him again. Take care x

[Only1scoop]

I meant to say "wont be the first time he's assaulted a woman"
A controlling man is very dangerous
Be safe

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

One text. "If you approach me again, in any form and for any reason, your next conversation will be with the police".

Then do not engage but keep all texts etc as proof of harassment.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Well, ultimately it's up to you if you contact the police or not. But this man is dangerous, will no doubt go on to harm other women and IMO the police should know about him.

However, what you do need to do is realise there is nothing wrong with you except a need to see the best in people and you're having a hard time with someone showing you just how awful they are inside. He is a bastard, it's difficult to accept this is true of people, especially when you have given them your trust.

You've had a lucky escape. He's paranoid, violent and controlling. Flying into a rage because you spoke to another man?!?! WTF?

Consider it a lesson learned, be a little less trusting in future perhaps, but please know you had nothing to do with what a cunt this man is.

[Branleuse]

i wouldnt even text him anything. Hes not even doing you the honour of leaving you alone after what hes done, because he thinks hes good enough for you.

[Only1scoop]

Misty agree. Otherwise he will keep texting.

[GinAndIt]

He knows full well what he's done, rocks, and I'll even accept that he may well be feeling sorry and guilty and upset about it, at the moment.

Tough shit. He's done it before, he'll do it again. There will always be a next time.

You've done well to ignore his contact so far. I would agree that you send a single text along the lines of mist's suggestion, and then block, ignore, delete, whatever. Then you have a record of the fact that you asked him to leave you alone, and you can maintain a record of anything he replies. But no other contact.

If you have to see him soon, can you make sure someone else is the with you?

And please, reconsider contacting the police. He is a very violent and unpredictable man; if it's not you, it may be some other woman.

[annhathaway]

Don't believe a word about him being drunk and all that crap. It's all lies- he knows what he did. I expect he's done this to many women and you are not the first nor will be the last.

And for that reason you ought to make a complaint to the police. It's up to you- no one can force you- but if it was rape, would you report it then? What he did was an act of violence- like rape. If he carries on unchallenged, either by you not reporting, or other women, he'll keep doing it.

I think no matter how hard I found it, I'd feel duty bound to tell the police to protect other women- as if it was any kind of assault.

[EdieSedgwick]

OP, It is rare for me to post, but please listen to these women. They are all right. Your head cannot understand as it is abnormal, disturbing and violent behaviour. His apology will mean nothing as he is a typical abuser. There is nothing wrong with you, and he is expoliting your vulnerability and low self esteem after your divorce. I hope you're safe and have listened to this great advice. Take care x OP, take this time to learn to recognise these men and how they work.. I am so sorry this happened to you x

[PacificDogwood]

Oh, I am glad you are safe just now and that you sound so resolute .

Hm. I think I'd switch my phone off.
Or yes, simply say "The next time you contact me for ANY reason, I will speak to the police". And then do.

Much love and strength.

[annhathaway]

Is the reason you don't want to report him because you have to see him day to day ( where?) and you fear the outcome- or because you feel you are to 'blame' in some way?
Neither is a real reason to keep this quiet.

If he slapped you hard enough to knock you off your feet- presumably across your face? - you must have bruises? Evidence?

The next woman may not be so lucky- she might end up dead.

Please report this- the police will be sympathetic and kind to you.

[Mattissy]

Dump him, you've had a lucky escape. Put it down to experience and move on.

Been there, did it 6 years, wish I'd got out early.

[Vivacia]

Please report this to the police. You don't know what might happen the next time's had a drink or a bad day or whatever.

[Timeforabiscuit]

I know you don't feel up to it, but please call the police.

Firstly, he has done this to you and this will help you move away from him.

He will in all likelihood do this again to someone else, he may get worse, he may have done this many times before.

The next person may not be able to show the strength you have done, may not have the friends, may not have their own children to put first like you have.

Making sure people know is a form of protection for you, it makes it easier to see when people like this are manipulating your feelings and playing off your instincts.

He made hitting you seem ok - that makes him very very dangerous.

You have strength, you just need some belief that you are in control not the situation.

[BasilDalekEater]

ontherocks can I recommend this book?

It is possibly the most comprehensive study of abusive men and will enable you to spot this bloke and also see the red flags when you come across men in the future. It will help you to avoid them.

It's up to you whether you report or not, but I think PacificDogwood's suggestion is a good one. If he texts you after that, then you probably should call the police, for your own and your DC's protection. Men like this don't like being dumped - it takes the control out of their hands. They can escalate the behaviour and if you already have it on file that he has attacked you, the police will deal with any future incidences quicker.

[annhathaway]

OP you don't have to press charges. A friend of mine reported/called the police one evening during a heated row with her DH who is a big man, and who made her feel threatened when he pinned her to the wall, shouting. He was given a good talking to but no charges. You can control this - they will talk to him. If you fear the outcome then tell them. I don't know how or why your paths cross everyday but if it doesn't cause you any upset to change that, then I'd try to avoid him too- not out of fear, just to make life easier.

[BasilDalekEater]

Oh and yes, it's a good idea to make sure that everyone knows the reason your relationship ended, is because he hit you.

Secrecy is the abuser's friend.

[YoDiggity]

He's playing you, so that by the time his "non-apology apology" comes in you are so desperate for contact from him that you're willing to take any old shite he comes up with. Most likely "I'm sorry that I am so in love with you that I get jealous when you talk to other men" or "I'm sorry that you drove me to it, I know you won't let that happen again if you care about me".

That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. But seeing as how he has now been in touch he was obviously hoping you'd come begging to him first, and since that didn't work he can't just walk away and leave it so he's been forced to offer an apology of sorts to get back in control of you and of the situation. (which I bet he's furious about incidentally, because already you are stronger than he thought you were, and he's having to work at breaking you back down again with all this emotional manipulation.

DO NOT BACK DOWN ON THIS. Not ever. If he's like this after a few months and he can't even face up to what he did and tries to pretend he 'vaguely remembers' doing something awful when drunk then you have NO HOPE of this relationship ever being healthy or normal and he will turn you slowly into a basket case.

And you absolutely SHOULD report him, because this is not an out of character one-off incident due to stress, is it? This is the way he is. And the way he will continue to be. If you report him chances are you'll find out he has form for this. And you could be doing the next poor woman a favour.

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

OP is not personally responsible for every other woman's safety. If she can't bring herself to report him, there could be good reasons for that and even if there isn't I don't think she should be put under too much pressure to do so.