Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Should I be able to keep the house?

38 replies

theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 14:36

DP bought a house 6 years ago with his friends (100% mortgage, repayment only) when we found out I was expecting DC I arranged a 10 year loan for us from the housing association for a deposit for a mortgage, which secured us a mortgage on a very low % (repayments of £440 a month instead of £900 odd) and my parents paid all the fees so we could by his friends out.
When we split the first time I left him with the house, no question.
He treated it like a shit tip.
Now we are splitting for the final time I feel I want to stay in the house with the 3 DC and he should find alternative accommodation.
This is because
a) Its the DC's home
b) I know I can get it into a saleable condition, sell up (hopefully) in a few years and split the proceeds 50/50
c) Me and DC would need to rent a 3 bed place which would cost £700, an awful lot more then the mortgage
d) Its my only chance of ever getting a foot on the property ladder
AIBU?

OP posts:
TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 22/11/2013 14:38

Not unreasonable at all.

I am sure the court would agree that the children should stay in the family home.

Beastofburden · 22/11/2013 14:42

So- you own the house 50:50 and you are partners but not married?

Is he willing to let you do this?
Could he be made to see that it will be cheaper for him in maintenance terms if you have affordable housing?
Is he supportive of putting the kids first?

Don't forget it's also his only chance to get on the property ladder as well.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 14:45

I'm trying to steel myself for the fight it'll cause. Things would go much more smoothly (for him) if me and the girls left, but it would mean staying at my parents for a couple of months at least and they're in they're 60's and looking after my Grandma.
Obviously for the DC it would be better if we could part on the best terms possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 14:51

No he puts himself before the children. He insists on having a 'smoking room' in the house, wants to grow weed in the cupboard, and has taken the car off to work without a single care as to how I would get the children too and from school. When I called him at lunch about arranging to pick the children up, he wasn't interested. Shouted and hung up on me.

I don't know that it would be his only chance though, I;d split any proceeds 50/50 and he'd be in a much better position to get a subsequent mortgage as he works full time (I work part time as 3 children under 5) and is also developing a business which he expects to make millions from! (This time next years Rodney... Wink )
If I leave the house, it'll just end up in a disgusting state, like last time, and then we'll forever have it stuck between the two of us.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 22/11/2013 14:51

He only thinks its less trouble as he doesn't know how much trouble the alternative will be.

Could he manage the repayments by himself anyway? And you are suggesting cutting him in with the profit in a few years. Which is a good idea, as the next few years are likely to be good for house price rises.

From his POV, if you leave, he has to pay maintenance for his DC and the mortgage. He will struggle. If he leaves, he can rent somewhere smaller, you will cost him less, and he will still be in on the price rise of the house over time.

Try to sell him a bachelor party pad :) it doesn't sound as if he is that fond of housework anyway, perhaps he'd be quite glad to move into something more manageable. I would go with selling him the convenience and the kudos of being seen to be a good dad, and being in on the profits.

Beastofburden · 22/11/2013 14:54

Though make absolutely sure that the deeds show you as joint owners, 50:50. When it's sold, if its in his name, he can legally take the lot and there will be nothing you can do about it.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 15:06

It definitely is 50/50 but he thinks its 'his' house.
He's expecting us to leave as my mum's nearby and his mum died a couple of years ago and his family is a couple of hours away (except his step dad) and he only has 1 friend left and I don't think he could stay there.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 22/11/2013 15:10

YANBU. I'm surprised he is actually thinking you and the dc should be the ones to leave tbh.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 22/11/2013 15:12

Change the locks. Stuff on lawn. So sorry you are going through this, and no yanbu.

maddening · 22/11/2013 15:18

Can you calculate how much you put in individually and as a couple and see who has the largest financial input? I would imagine it is you from what you say.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 15:25

To be fair to him he has put in the most financially as he pays the mortgage and bills each month and I buy the groceries and anything the children need and pay the credit cards.
so on paper, he would have invested more into the house.

OP posts:
squoosh · 22/11/2013 15:28

YANBU

He sounds like a tosser. Explain to him that it's in both your financial interests for you and the kids to stay in the house for the next few years and for him to find his own flat where he can grow all the weed he wants.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 15:35

He's a total tosser!
And far too handy with his hands IYKWIM. My mum's a bit concerned, she keeps saying not to put myself in danger. I'm not sure if the house is worth it, but at the same time I don't want to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed anymore. I just want rid!
I keep the house, make it presentable, sell, split any profits. Job done!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/11/2013 15:36

"he has put in the most financially as he pays the mortgage and bills " that doesnt count - it is who owns it on paper. and if you have on paper any record of you putting in the deposit or you parent contribution. otherwise it will be assumed a straight 50/50 split on any equity if it was sold.

you both have euqal rights to the house but you could go to court for occpation order for you and dc under childrens act.

the division of quiety is under trusts of lands act - the childrens bit is childrens act. it is a two pronged court case if it comes to that.... you need someone expereinced wih this to bring both togther
so

try and have session with a mediator to sort things out and draw up a short medium and long term arrangement regarding the house. otherwise court will be v expensive....

ExcuseTypos · 22/11/2013 15:45

theendof you need to get legal advise. Most local solicitors will give a half an hour free app. Also the Citizens advice bureau is excellent. To can go on line and see where your local office is.

I'd also ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships. You'll get a lot of good advice there. Just report your OP to MNHQ and ask them to move it.

lifesgreatquestions · 22/11/2013 15:47

If you didn't have children then I would suggest dividing by percentages put in to the total bills, so including the stuff that you have bought. But you have children so this makes it 50/50. It's reasonable to want to stay in the house. I think only a court could rule against that, that it doesn't matter if he doesn't like it. It's awful having to work out through all that crap. I hope this passes as quickly as possible for you.

MrsOakenshield · 22/11/2013 15:52

'And far too handy with his hands IYKWIM.' Shock

definitely move to relationships, you'll get a lot of good advice and support there.

MNHQ
LisaMumsnet · 22/11/2013 16:15

Just to let you know we're moving this to Relationships at the OP's request.

fifi669 · 22/11/2013 16:36

Sell up now. I can't imagine how it'd feel to be turfed out of your home and still have to pay half the mortgage. If he's happy to go along with your plan by all means wait. If not, sell up and move on. It may be your only chance to get on the property ladder, but that doesn't mean your ex should bankroll it.

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 16:40

No he wouldn't be required to pay anything towards the mortgage, I'd cover that myself.
If we sell now, even if we find a buyer, we'd be hard pushed to break even.
If I leave him in the house he will just grow and smoke weed in it making it unsellable.
If I stay I will do it up and sell it and split any profit with him 50/50.

OP posts:
Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 16:43

And my ex hasn't 'bankrolled' it, but my parents have!

OP posts:
EllieInTheRoom · 22/11/2013 16:45

I don't understand why fifi is feeling sorry for a man being turfed out of his home who is far too handy with his hands.

It sounds to me as though the deal you are proposing is more than reasonable for a violent bloke who does nothing for his kids.

Fighting to stay on the property ladder is not worth putting yourself in danger though. Have any of the incidents been reported to the police?

fifi669 · 22/11/2013 16:45

So you'll cover the mortgage by yourself, sell in a few years and give him 50:50?

Original poster
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2013 16:47

Yes Fifi

OP posts:
squoosh · 22/11/2013 16:48

Your proposal sounds entirely sensible, hang on to the house for a few more years and sell when there's a chance of a profit.

I hardly see how the ex has 'bankrolled' things, he has kept the place going with the assistance of the OP and her parents.