What is the best way I can support my friend without becoming completely drained myself?

[flippinada]

Just that really.

We have been friends for many, many years. To cut a very long story short she's extremely depressed and anxious and has been for years. She suffers from severe insomnia and as a result of all this her health has been severely affected and her immune system is compromised so that she is frequently ill - she gets just about every bug going. Not surprisingly (considering) she is more or less constantly unhappy and stressed.

Just to explain a bit about where I'm coming from, I've had mental health issues as well (severe PND which I thankfully recovered from completely and anxiety - currently also under control). I'm mentioning that to show that I have been there so not coming from a pull yourself together perspective and understand how debilitating and distressing it can be. My life has it's own difficulties (single working parent with difficult ex but hey could be a lot worse) mostly I get by and am a pretty contented sort of person.

I try to be supportive and listen without being judgemental but increasingly it's harder and harder and I find myself thinking unkind thoughts. Today I listened to a litany of woe, misery and stress which left me feeling drained, pissed off and exhausted. Doesn't that sound awful? I'm not proud of it but that's the truth :(.

It's like this every day bow and I feel worn out (then I imagine how she feels..I know). So..what can I do to support her and not get 'dragged down' (horrible phrase but can't think of a better one right now)?

Just realised how long this is and that's the short version..any advice /suggestions gratefully received.

Hi flip. Sounds like a pretty tough situation. Have been there myself with a friend. She was in a two year relationship with a guy and still was not over it 5 years later. It's very hard to continually listen to someone else's woes no matter how much you love and want to support them.

I arranged to call out to her one afternoon and laid it on the line. Told her it was very hard and heart breaking to see her still struggling with things. That her life seemed to be on hold and I wondered if she every would be happy again. Both of us bawling in her kitchen.

I suggested counselling to her. She took that on board and started to see someone. A year down the line she is like a different person. Not sure if this might help your friend, just thought I'd share my experience with you.

Best of luck.

I second the previous reply.

I don't think you deserve to feel guilty for finding this so difficult. You can't just keep on being the dumping ground for someone else's misery and not be affected by it. It's not awful that you can't cope with non-stop woe. You actually sound very caring.

It sounds like her issues are very deep rooted and really she needs professional help, the kind of help that can really make an impact on core issues. Just offloading onto you every day keeps her ticking over but is never going to resolve anything for her, and is untenable for you in the long run.

If she is already getting that kind of help and is still turning to you so much, then maybe she needs to find a new counsellor/therapist - they are not all as good as each other. But if she isn't, then she really needs to look into that. As much as it's wonderful for friends to support each other, ultimately she has to take responsibility for dealing with her issues herself, you can't fix her.

Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses.

She is seeing a therapist and has been for a long time but things never get better iyswim. It's like she's is going round in circles. It's like she's on self destruct mode. Sometimes I think, it's like she's set on making life as difficult for herself as possible.

Maybe I need to do something about the way I behave/react to it all. I'll have a think about that.

It sounds very draining. Perhaps she has got into the habit of seeing you as someone to tell all her woes to instead of a friend who you do things with?

Could you see her to do things with? Like a friend to go to Zumba with or something? I mean don't be in room alone with her and be that listener.

Its very hard as she may feel you are pushing her away, but for your own mh you need to change things because it will go on for ever, and she won't be a friend anymore, just someone you feel responsible for.

Do you both have other friends? And see them as a group? That might dilute it a bit.

Yes we do Lavender. You've hit the nail on the head there, I can't remember the last time we just had a laugh together.

She lives at a distance so we don't see each other very often (she does have other friends who live nearer) but we talk just about every day. Maybe I need to cut that down a bit?

The last time I went to see her (a few weekends ago), she spent a large part of one day in bed and I remember wondering why I had bothered visiting, then thinking I was being unfair because she can't help being ill...but if it was someone else she would have made more effort.

This has just occurred to me after reading back through the thread... I feel like I've fallen into the role of "mothering" her a bit (she's has a very difficult relationship with her own mum). Hmm!

flip I know you care very deeply for your friend but I think you need to figure out some new boundaries. This friendship sounds like it has been very one-sided for a long time. I know she is suffering and not making any progress toward healing but it sounds like her behavior is having a very detrimental effect upon you, so something needs to change. Even mothers are not there purely to hear endless tales of woe - I hate to think that's what mothering is. You also need plenty of emotional support, are you getting it from other sources? I would cut your contact back with your friend to something more manageable. Maybe she also needs to try a new therapist if she is making no progress.

Also the pain of her past may mean that she self-sabotages or expects to be unhappy or fail. There is only so much we can do as friends and we have to be realistic. You seem to be in a passive role and feeling helpless. I think changing how and where you relate could help. Drag her out to a movie or even a walk, don't allow her depression to dictate what you do together. I have also suffered with depression and anxiety in the past, and had friends who have suffered. I was able to insist that my depressed friends came out with me somewhere at times - they were sure they would hate it but usually they had a better time than they expected. Nothing too ambitious but "a change is as good as a rest". I am sure that when I was very low I would've responded or at least attempted to make the effort to do something with a kind and loving friend if they firmly insisted.

If some time during the day is better for her (for example depressives often wake up depressed but feel a bit better by early afternoon) see her then and go somewhere - even for coffee. Be literally active - don't let the depression put you also in the deep freeze.

HoneyandRum I think you've hit the nail on the head and have articulated what I've been feeling but couldn't admit, even to myself. I have been too passive and I do need to put boundaries in place

When I say mothering, it's because I remembered something she said to me a while back "I wish I had a mother like you" .

Unfortunately I live at a distance so sadly can't do the going round thing and making her go out thing, otherwise I would.

I've always held back from saying anything to her because of worrying it might make things worse. But it can't can it?

Sorry to say Flip it sounds like you're protecting her feelings but she is not protecting yours. At certain times I have realised that I am in a very unbalanced friendship where the other party is putting me in a mothering role. It's not healthy if this dynamic lasts because they are also trying to make you responsible for their emotions and stroking them emotionally while you will receive nothing. It will be exhausting and also puts you in a strange martyr role where you are apparently not supposed to articulate your needs. You are not her therapist so if she would prefer you stay in that role you need to renegotiate your friendship or step right back.

Are you receiving anything from this relationship?

I think it wouldn't be out of line to say to someone that, even though you love them as a friend and are prepared to listen to their problems, you'd prefer it if they didn't just use you as nothing but a Wailing Wall. You can say 'I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about your problems for a while'. Be honest and, if someone takes umbrage, they weren't much of a friend.

I agree with Honey - it sounds like an unbalanced friendship. I don't think there is anything at all wrong with you saying (to yourself as well as to her) 'I am so sorry, but I can't deal with this right now'.

I also wonder about something you said: ' Sometimes I think, it's like she's set on making life as difficult for herself as possible.' I don't know your friend, but is it possible that this is actually true? I do think that some people like the drama of misery more than the non-drama of happiness: in some very unwell kind of way, they cling to the depression. If this is the case, then by constantly 'being there', you will actually be reinforcing the damaging behaviour, rather than helping.

Lots of things to think about here. This makes uncomfortable reading for me because the truth is, I think I have played an enabling sort of role here but that's something I need to confront and deal with.

In truth, think my friend would be really upset to think she was making me feel worse. It's not all take - she's been there for me in the past but yes things do feel very one sided at the moment.

Today I listened to a litany of woe, misery and stress which left me feeling drained, pissed off and exhausted. Doesn't that sound awful?

No, it doesn't sound awful. Particularly if you have depressive/anxious tendancies yourself it can really take it out of you trying to support someone in her situation.

I'm in a similar position so will watch the thread with interest, but so far I've just had to distance myself from my friend. She's not someone who will take advice because she already "knows" everything so I'm just a one-way sounding board really. Also any suggestion of counselling makes her see red so that's a no-go. It's a shame because we met a few years ago via a mutual interest but that's fizzled on her side and now our relationship is entirely about her difficulties, none of which can be helped. She even seems to home in on other people's problems so she can constantly report them back to me. I know everyone in her social circle's problems and am expected to read constant and lengthy updates on them, yet I don't actually know the individuals involved! As struggling says above some people just thrive on drama.

I've wanted to post in here before but have feared a flaming. I sometimes wonder if my friend's other friends feel the same, or if they're just better people than me with boundless patience! I tend to assume the latter but after several years and a perpetual feeling of one-sidedness I literally have nothing useful to say to her.

You have my sympathy Johnsnows.

What has kept me in this position, I think, is the many years of friendship (twenty plus) and that it hasn't always been like this and the hope it will improve. But perhaps it won't..that makes me feel very sad.

OP, when you and your friend do spend time together how long is it for and what sort of things do you do?

Dione we don't see each other that often due to distance and circumstance, but when we do its stuff like go out for lunch, to the cinema, have a chat over a bottle of wine.

You say she has reciprocated in the past but now it's one-sided. What if you have a crisis, a real need for input, would she step up? Do you worry that it will somehow be your fault if you cut down on contact and she worsens? I would weigh up her need to use you as a sounding board against your own capacity for handling negativity. She may not choose to feel as she does and let's hope she comes through this but it certainly doesn't follow that you have to bear the load too. She feels so bad that in turn you feel bad. Taking care of your own well-being isn't selfish, flippinada!

Cut back on the calls, they needn't be daily. You are a mother to your own DC, you aren't obliged to fulfil that role for this person. A therapist will still listen and be there for her as long as they're paid. It's not friendship is it - but what you currently have is not a two-way friendship in the true sense either.

She should have stopped before depleting your reserves of caring.

JohnSnowsTie : I've wanted to post in here before but have feared a flaming.

It's horrible you being a confidant should make you feel guilty for wanting to hear less misery.

If you are sick of listening to your friend and have reached the end of your tether because she just doesn't ever listen, why not try writing that in a letter to her. You've described eloquently what it's like to be on the receiving end of that kind of litany of woemageddon so if she sees it in black and white, she might learn something.

Speaking every day is a lot! Could you cut down to once a week, saying you've a lot on?

Every day is too much, it must be hard to answer sometimes. Are you enabling it a bit by saying " call me tomorrow and tell me how you got on or if you feel better"

Its very kind of you to be there, but not at the risk of your own emotional well being. You will still be a good person btw, if you say " I'm really busy over the next week, so let's make a date for wed and ill text you tues to play tennis and have a coffee after"

You may find you have nothing in common anymore if you aren't going over and over her woes, which is quite common with long friendships when your lives are different and the only thing you have in common is a shared past.

Every day is too much isn't it.

What prompted me to post last night was that I picked my DS up yesterday, and was snappy and irritable with him all evening - all because I was wiped out from woemageddon (great phrase btw), which wasn't fair on him.

Just being able to talk about this without being flamed is a big relief so thank you all.

I'd tell your friend that you are feeling wiped out at the moment, need a lift, and want time with all of your friends to be about having fun.

Suggest doing something positive with her - when me and a friend were both having a crap time once, we did a whitewater kayaking course together - something I'd NEVER normally do and freezing, but a brilliant experience. I'm not saying you should do that btw, just something a bit more fun. And cut down on the phonecalls, I talk to nobody but my OH that much.

I'm sure your friend isn't stupid, and I bet it doesn't do her self esteem much good at some level, knowing that she is whingeing on to you all the time. If she's going to get herself a happier life, she needs a good shove out of the victim role.

Hijack alert! Sorry OP but this is in response to Donkeys post as she offered some good advice.

The thing with writing a letter to my friend is that she absolutely can't take any sort of criticism, and I think however I worded it she would take it thus. She sees herself as one of life's blameless victims who should be exempt from anything which conflicts with her sensitivities. Since I've known her, any instances of criticism have sent her into a meltdown, so everyone treats her with kid gloves to avoid upsetting her.

She complains of having been "rejected" by many in her past who couldn't cope with her problems and she's understandably bitter towards those people. I hope not to become one of them but with 2 (nearly 3) DCs I have to put others first.

OP apologies again. I agree with PPs that hearing from her everyday is a bit suffocating.

No need to apologise!