Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

happy with sex life but..

54 replies

side2 · 16/11/2013 22:28

Our sex life is great but just have a couple of things to run by you ladies.
The details, going out 2.5 yrs living together 1.5 Both in our 30's.

I want to empower her but she doesnt seem to want to be empowered. We've talked, argued, joked and still she doesn't get hints, requests, wishes. I think she's the hottest girl ever and have told her this but she doesnt get it. I want her to be more active in our sex life. I've talked to her on walks so as its not in a pressured situation about how I feel and what she can do and asked her what I can do. I've reassured her that she has nothing to be afraid of and that she knows how sexy I think she is and that if she does do something like wear lingerie she'll feel sexy doing it and that it will be a major turn on. How do I convince her that she can feel sexy and to get more involved in our sex life? Any help, advice gladly appreciated.

Its nothing to do with lack of sex, definitely cant complain about 5 times a week with oral (for me) every time and no problem with trying new positions but you cant beat the standard few imho. :)

She's a creature of habit and likes a bed time routine and doesnt tend to deviate from it which means sex is a chat, a cuddle, a few pecks on the lips (I'd love a make out session with wandering hands) and then oral and sex. It works but I want variety so down the line we dont get bored.

OP posts:

onetiredmummy · 16/11/2013 22:32

Perhaps she's perfectly happy with your sex life as it is? Perhaps she understands your suggestions but doesn't want to do them.

Have you tried asking her what she would like you to do ?

coffeeinbed · 16/11/2013 22:36

Well, if you can't complain then why are you whinging?
And WTF is empowered?
Stop watching rubbish TV shows and reading Psychologies magazine.

And when you're talking about the 5 times oral, I do hope you give as good as you get.

Original poster

side2 · 16/11/2013 22:38

Yeh she understands it and agrees we need to keep it fresh, interesting, but she doesnt seem to know how.

I know I've a higher sex drive than her but thats not the issue, I've said if it went down to 3 times a week I'd be happy as long as it was kept fun and not repetitive.

OP posts:

Original poster

side2 · 16/11/2013 22:42

coffeeinbed I'd love to give as good as I got but thats another issue she doesnt like oral any more. Its how I gave her the first orgasm but now she says she doesnt like how it feels, too slippery.

I'm not whinging just looking for advice.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 16/11/2013 23:05

God you sound like hard work. It's great, but it could be better. I'm happy, but I want more. Can't complain but I'm complaining.

You say you are looking for problems years from now. Why? Either you are satisfied with your sex life or you're not. Which is it?

Original poster

side2 · 16/11/2013 23:11

And if I wasnt working at it I'd be thought to be inconsiderate. You're giving out to me for wanting to make sure things dont go wrong in the future. I'm trying to do the right thing but I'm getting the impression I've come to the wrong place.

OP posts:

steeking · 16/11/2013 23:13

perplexedpirate · 16/11/2013 23:32

Gets unwelcome responses, reckons is posting in wrong place.
Seems standard.

Fairenuff · 16/11/2013 23:38

Either you are satisfied with your sex life or you're not. Which is it?

Original poster

side2 · 16/11/2013 23:40

I'm looking for advice not for my posts to be picked apart. If I dont get it and only get negative or as you like to put it unwelcome responses then I know I've come to the wrong place.

OP posts:

HogFucker · 16/11/2013 23:42

Perhaps she perceives you as whiny- not a great turn on.

Original poster

side2 · 16/11/2013 23:45

Yeh thats it, I whinge and moan the whole time

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 16/11/2013 23:46

Either you are satisfied with your sex life or you're not. Which is it?

YouAreMyRain · 16/11/2013 23:47

Hold on, you "want to empower her but she doesn't want to be empowered"?!?!!

What exactly do you mean by empowered? She sounds empowered enough to reject your demands for lingerie etc maybe she is happy enough.

Us "ladies" sometimes know what's best for our own pretty little selves.

ICameOnTheJitney · 16/11/2013 23:47

Off you pop then OP.

zippey · 16/11/2013 23:49

I think you should give her a break, it seems like theres a lot of pressure on her to perform and its all coming from you.

This is as good as its going to get! Maybe ease off a little and see if she makes the first move for sex at any point.

ICameOnTheJitney · 16/11/2013 23:52

The OP has taken a big old post to basically say that he wants her to wear "lingerie" and she's not into it.

OP...tough titty. She doesn't want to "be empowered" by frilly undies. She's happy as she is. Leave it.

Mellowandfruitful · 16/11/2013 23:53

I can see how if, on the one hand you're telling her she's sexy, the hottest ever etc, but on the other hand you're also saying 'but I really want you to do this, to do things differently..' the first bit doesn't really seem credible to her. Why not try just saying the first bit for a while and take the pressure of completely? If you have a good sex life - and you say it's frequent and works for you - perhaps leave the performance review for a bit and see if that allows her to relax more?

Original poster

side2 · 16/11/2013 23:56

YAMR By empowered I mean to give her control, she has up until now always wanted to stick to routine. If you know every night is going to be the same then you're a fool if you think its not going to fizzle out into monotony.

She admits she should make more of an effort but never does. I love how you've decided I've demanded she wears lingerie. She has a drawer full of nice stuff and I occasionally joke that it must be gathering dust.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 16/11/2013 23:56

This is who she is and what she likes, if it doesn't work for you then you need to find someone else.

blueshoes · 16/11/2013 23:56

5 times a week seems quite frequent. She is probably jaded. Perhaps if you ration the number of times, the intensity might go up. Too much of a good thing and all.

stickysausages · 16/11/2013 23:58

coppertop · 16/11/2013 23:59

Do you realise how many times you use the words "I want" and how little you mention what she wants?

basgetti · 17/11/2013 00:01

5 times a week, with oral (for you of course) and you have got her admitting she should be making more of an effort? You sound delightful.

Fairenuff · 17/11/2013 00:01

By empowered I mean to give her control, she has up until now always wanted to stick to routine.

Ok, so you give her control. She chooses to stick to the routine. Then what?

You do not want to 'give her control', you actually want her to do things that you would like to do and think she would like to do. So, it's still your choice, isn't it, not hers.

Her choice is to carry on as you have been. Btw, you have ignored my question about whether or not you are satisfied with your sex life. That's ok, it's clear from what you say, that you are not.

Perhaps you should have been more honest in your OP.

Flip

1 2 3