happy with sex life but..

[side2]

Our sex life is great but just have a couple of things to run by you ladies.
The details, going out 2.5 yrs living together 1.5 Both in our 30's.

I want to empower her but she doesnt seem to want to be empowered. We've talked, argued, joked and still she doesn't get hints, requests, wishes. I think she's the hottest girl ever and have told her this but she doesnt get it. I want her to be more active in our sex life. I've talked to her on walks so as its not in a pressured situation about how I feel and what she can do and asked her what I can do. I've reassured her that she has nothing to be afraid of and that she knows how sexy I think she is and that if she does do something like wear lingerie she'll feel sexy doing it and that it will be a major turn on. How do I convince her that she can feel sexy and to get more involved in our sex life? Any help, advice gladly appreciated.

Its nothing to do with lack of sex, definitely cant complain about 5 times a week with oral (for me) every time and no problem with trying new positions but you cant beat the standard few imho. :)

She's a creature of habit and likes a bed time routine and doesnt tend to deviate from it which means sex is a chat, a cuddle, a few pecks on the lips (I'd love a make out session with wandering hands) and then oral and sex. It works but I want variety so down the line we dont get bored.

You sound incompatible. In all likelihood it's going to get worse, not better, because this one way street of dissatisfaction coming from you will ruin her confidence and self esteem, and lead to resentment, when in fact there's nothing wrong with the way she likes things, it's just not what you like.

You can't make someone be or do something that just isn't them, in or out of bed.

Zippey I've given her months at a time without saying anything to give her a chance. She admits she should but then doesnt, I dont know where/why this happens.

ICOTJ its not just a lingerie thing its about sex in general and breaking away from the routine. I'd like there to be a new spontaneity to it. I'd like her to think about keeping our sex life fresh (not sure if thats the right word) not just me.

Perhaps your lady doesn't quite understand what it is that you want. It isn't clear from your posts here. It might be best if you were to describe in graphic detail what she should do to you and then we can assist in answering how you might get it.

She wears the underwear that she wants, not uncomfortable 'nice stuff' that you keep bringing up in conversation.

She likes her routine and wants to stick with it.

She has told you what she doesn't like (oral).

She sounds pretty empowered to me. Maybe you meant the opposite to 'empowered', OP? Umm ... emasculated?

If you know every night is going to be the same then you're a fool if you think its not going to fizzle out into monotony

The problem is that there is a finite number of ways to have sex.

Have you had this spontaneity in previous relationships, OP?

I'd imagine the previous relationships have been rather two dimensional.

So, rather than trying to change her, why don't you end the relationship and look for someone more...compatible.

was going to post ODFOD but I see I didn't need to ha ha

Fucking empowered ......!

I think you misunderstand the term "empowered"

If you want her to do stuff she doesn't want in order to please or excite you then surely you mean "disempowered"

I would call you a fuckwit but I don't want to get deleted so I won't.

You talk about getting bored down the line,seems to me you are already bored.
Maybe she is too.

Possibly with you.

Maybe give HER oral.
You can change things of you want them to, it's not up to her.

Keep it fresh. FFS, is it term break at Uni?

Do you mean you have a 'shopping list' of things you would like to try with your partner and she isn't reading your mind?

That perhaps you aren't as open with her about what you would like your sex life to be like?

Another possibility is that you've already discussed with her that she should take control in bed whilst she isn't interested in it.

What you posted reminds me a bit of me and my hubby. We too have a very good sex life but he is the first to want to try new things and often feels like a sex pest because he feels initiates sex the majority of the time.

He also gets worried that my love of routine and what we are doing comes across as me not having the same drive as him, he feels like he wants to be ravished by me and for me to spontaneously want him. He worries that because he's the first to want to mix things up and try new things he's imposing his will on me.

From my point of view, I LOVE the various things we do, feel I need time to get to where he is. I'm like that in all aspects of my life. I like routine, I like to plan, I like to be in my comfort zone. That's not to say things never change, just that I have to get my head around the idea first and am not much of a spontaneous person.

We have a rich and varied sex life but have been together for 19 years. 19 years gives us loads of things to choose from that are within my comfort zone and we do whatever we feel is right each time. If he hadn't wanted to try new things and be confident to broach the idea of new things then we wouldn't have such a great variation of ways to have sex for the times when we aren't just making straight love and it more an animal type sex. There's not been a single thing that we've tried over the years that I haven't loved, despite me being slower on the uptake than him. He's the ideas man and I lack imagination and am glad he's not like me.

Funnily enough, we've recently hit a stage where for the first time ever, I've wanted to try new things that he isn't ready for and is mulling over. That's been very useful to us both because he understands more how I've felt when playing catch up, that feeling of holding us back and I realise how he must have felt all these years to be treading that fine line between wanting to improve an already great sex life without it being seen as a criticism of the current sex life or that the current sex life is lacking in some way. It isn't lacking, it's just that each of us have ideas of new ways to have fun. It doesn't mean that sex as a pure expression of our love isn't satisfying, we still do that too, but we are also very in touch with our lust for one another too.

My advice then, share your ideas and see if she's happy to take them up, don't be surprised if she doesn't immediately and if it seems that she does like your suggestions then get used to being the ideas man. Being the ideas man doesn't mean you are sexually incompatible or a bad person as long as you are sensitive to her reactions and aren't pushy. If she's horrified and uncomfortable at your suggestions THEN you are sexually incompatible. If you continue to push your rejected or avoided ideas, THEN you'd be a sex pest and worthy of some of the very harsh comments you've attracted so far but to me, you haven't been deserving of anything harsh.

Good luck

Funnily enough, we've recently hit a stage where for the first time ever, I've wanted to try new things that he isn't ready for

I don't really understand this. If you've been together nearly 20 years and you've been constantly experimenting sexually all that time, what on earth is left to try?

There's lots of variations to sex.

Clothes, situations, places, toys, scenarios, positions etc. I'm not very imaginative myself and I'm so glad hubby had been over the years because if he hadn't been confident enough in our relationship to be able to broach new ideas then our sex life wouldn't have been as rich and varied as it is now and if you're having sex 5+ times a week then it's very fulfilling to have that variation for when you're not just making love and are having sex (if I can make that distinction).

We have a locking suitcase full of fun things we've collected over the years and if we are having lustful sex (rather than making love) then out comes the suitcase (to keep things from being discovered by DD) and we pick out what we are in the mood for.

All too often it's easy to get stuck in a rut when you've been together for a while, but things have never been better for us and will continue to do so all the time we are open to ideas and confident enough to be able to talk to each other and explore together.

Finally a helpful post from someone. Not sure why the response has been so hostile? Lots of people want their partners to be more proactive in the sack. Nothing wrong with that.

OP you are getting a hard time. That is because you are coming across as an arse.

"But I'm not an arse" you cry, "I just want to future proof my sex life".

Well self-reflect my friend. If we all think you're an arse, think how your poor GF feels being on the receiving end of this.

What do you actually want? It is not actually an empowered girlfriend, as that would give her the freedom to say she feels silly in fancy undies, five times a week is quite enough for her and she doesn't want to try any handstands and you're shit at oral sex.

What you seem to do is want her to perform. It's perfectly reasonable for her not to want to. Have you watched a lot of porn growing up? You seem to think sex has to be an elaborate shopping list.

There may be a compatibility issue and you're allowed to be frustrated by that, but you need to work out what to do rather than just turning the problem onto her. Honestly your language is horrible and treats her like a problem to fix.

She doesn't enjoy the way you give oral sex. Have you tried working out what does do it for her. (Don't assume it's her sexually repressed problem, it could be your technique). You want a "proper make out session", have you tried this rather than just lying back and waiting for that day's blowjob. If there is something specific you want to try, try it (take note of the posters who say they are adventurous but at this DH's instigation). Many have sex less frequently to build up the frustration and desire, and to break the habit you claim to be in.

Don't just talk about this in a "non-pressured" environment (oh how considerate of you), do it in bed so you can actually turn each other on. Unless sex in the wood is on your bucket list.

On the undies; is this the first GF you've lived with? Domesiticity does funny things to a relationship. If you've spent all sunday looking at someone in their sweats it frankly feels ridiculous to go and put on something frilly.

If she wanted to do other things then she would.

Side, i have tried to make my DH empoweved for 8 years but still end up with about 7 min intercourse and nothing else.

Oh God you sound like my DH.

Empower, my spotty arse.

You mean behave like the women in the porn you watch.

ACTUAL empowerment would enable her to be confident enough to decide exactly the type of sex she wants and to decline what she doesn't want. She's already there! If she's anything like me she DOES NOT WANT to put on silly underwear, cavort and groan and moan.

Be honest, you find the sex too vanilla but are scared to moan about it in case the 5 nights a week suck/fuck fest is withdrawn.

BTW I would bet a month's salary that you are performing oral sex badly and that's why she is declining. Sorry.

Great post ALittleStranger.

Personally, I love sex and feel perfectly 'empowered'. From time to time I'll try something new, but usually because DP wants to. I like the more vanilla stuff, I know my body and what works for me during sex and I am 100% happy sticking to that most of the time rather than faffing around with new stuff that doesnt do it for me more often than not.