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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New bloke has vanished, am I overreacting?

55 replies

Roseflowers · 16/11/2013 13:21

In the grand scheme of things this is really a tiny problem, bit embarassed to post it but I don't really have anywhere else to go for advice! I've been seeing this chap for about three weeks now, we've seen each other five or six times since initially hooking up but I've known him for a while before anything happened (he's a semi regular customer where I work). Things have immediately skipped past the 'dating' stage and into the 'coming round his house and cuddling up to watch a film' stage. We always text each other throughout the day, usually initiated by him, and so things have seemed quite full on and not very casual as it were. All in it all its seems to have been going pretty well, and I've basically fallen for this bloke a little, however I've never been able to just relax and enjoy it because i'm basically waiting to be dumped. I've been out with a succession of blokes this year who have all seemed really keen and lovely who then have just disappeared or dumped me out of the blue. I think i'm waiting for the same to happen here.

He went away on holiday for two weeks on Wednesday. Wednesday morning we were texting away as usual, then about midday he stopped replying. Ok, thinks I, he's at work and has got to rush from there to the airport tonight etc, I'll probably hear from him before he flies, no worries. Nothing all night :/ The next day I sent him a nice message saying the I hoped he'd landed safe etc, was it best to contact him via facebook as I wasn't sure if texting would cost an arm and a leg. Two days later and I've had no response :( No problem, I think to myself, he's travelling and I'll probably hear from him when he gets to his final destination.

Last night he was posting a lot on facebook that they'd finally reached their destination etc, putting up pictures of what he was doing. Still heard nothing from him :( Am I right to feel hurt that he hasn't found time just to drop me a quick message at all over the past two days? I hate it when you text people and they ignore you yet are perfectly capable of posting online. I find it quite rude, and I'm really disappointed that he hasn't found time to message me. Am I overreacting in feeling rubbish about this? It feels like up until now he's kind of been treating me like a girlfriend...and now he's just vanished. I've got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Do I take it that things were maybe not as serious as I thought?

OP posts:
Thants · 16/11/2013 13:46

Have you facebooked him? It's possible he didn't get your text Shen travelling.

Suelford · 16/11/2013 13:50

Have you tried contacting him on Facebook? It might be that he turned off mobile service on his phone to avoid charges, but got Facebook through WiFi.

Also, three weeks is very early, he might not know that you expect contact during his holiday.

Suelford · 16/11/2013 13:51

Ah, snap.

Putitonthelist · 16/11/2013 13:52

Sorry OP but how can things be serious after 3 weeks?

Unfortunately this is how some men appear to be these days - full on and then silence. It sounds like he just hasn't got the balls to finish things with you the decent way.

showtunesgirl · 16/11/2013 13:52

Definitely possible that he may not have received your texts.

In the early days of when DH and I were going out, I sometimes asked why he hadn't responded to some of my texts. He always said that he had not received them. As it was all still new, I wasn't sure if I could trust him.

Then about four months after we started going out, we were on the DLR and his phone went mad and he got LOADS of text messages through, all from me that for some reason had got lost in cyberspace until right then!

Roseflowers · 16/11/2013 13:54

Maybe, I didn't want to seem like I was over keen messaging him on facebook as well as texting! I don't really know what to expect for contact either, that's why I was waiting for him to take the lead really/ put out some feelers as to what other people would expect in this situation. Dating can be a pain in the balls sometimes...

Thanks for you replies ladies!

OP posts:
Roseflowers · 16/11/2013 13:56

And yeah, I know we've only been going out a short time, when I say 'serious' I guess I was using it as shorthand for 'progressing into something other than totally casual dating/ hooking up'

OP posts:
Putitonthelist · 16/11/2013 13:56

Sorry OP - my messge sounds really cynical - was just reading the dating thread! Keep yourself busy and step away from the phone

KouignAmann · 16/11/2013 13:59

If he is making you anxious that is a bad sign. Does he know about your fear of dumping or disappearers? If so he should be reassuring you. One way or another you will find out what he is like through this. He may just be putting you in a nice box while he is away to be opened on his return!

ImATotJeSuisUneTot · 16/11/2013 13:59

The un-romantic side of me says he wants to be "single" whilst on holiday, and that the intensity will pick back up once he gets back. That's if you want it to, of course.

wontletmesignin · 16/11/2013 13:59

You could always comment on one of his pictures telling him you hope he has a great time.

I agree he may have switched his phone off, or even maybe left it at home?

3 weeks is still really early into the relationship.
Try not to worry too much. Whats that saying...distance makes the heart grow fonder? I may have it completely wrong, but you know what i mean lol

mcmoonfucker · 16/11/2013 14:00

Get on with your weekend.
Make yourself.

He'll contact you if he wants/when he's got time/when he feels like it.

Definitely don't contact him again.

Not all men are bastards and it's good to filter the ones who are quickly and swiftly.

Roseflowers · 16/11/2013 14:02

Haha, no problem! I think the thing is I am very much of the cynical mindset too. Loads of quite frankly rubbish dating experience this year has lead me to being extra wary. I'll send him a casual message on facebook and then if I don't get a reply I'll know where I stand :)

OP posts:
Pippilangstrompe · 16/11/2013 14:03

It may very well be that his phone isn't working properly abroad. It isn't an uncommon problem. Don't worry about it yet. I think you should send a short messag on fb asking him if he's having a good time so far. Nothing heavy or insecure.

EllaFitzgerald · 16/11/2013 17:22

I agree that it's entirely possible that texts from you to him may not have been received, (although he was still in the UK until Wednesday evening) but if the texting between you had been fairly regular until then, why wouldn't he have sent you a text or message through Facebook just to say 'Hi' or let you know he was going to be a bit quiet for the time he was away, rather than just complete radio silence?

I hope I'm completely wrong and just being massively over demanding, but I suspect ImATot may have hit the nail on the head. I definitely wouldn't contact him at all.

AuntieStella · 16/11/2013 17:28

Early dating is the time when you are auditioning each other to see if you're worth more emotional investment. It doesn't matter if you're going out on what looks like 'dates', snuggling at home, or doing whatever else floats you boat.

This is 3 weeks old. Don't contact him. He knows where you are, and how to fontact you if he wants to. He probably knows you see FB.

Get on with your life - just what it was like 3.5 weeks ago. You surely can't have burned bridges with all you other friends/activities in such a short time?

sunbathe · 16/11/2013 17:36

I wouldn't contact him. I'd want to see if there was enough there for him to want to contact me.

beaglesaresweet · 16/11/2013 17:43

yes, why should you comment on his photos on FB - presumably he can contact you on fb himself! If he did receive the text then he doesn't want to contact you so you commenting wouldn't help - if he didn't he must have assumed you may be trying to text as per normal and will explain his phone diesn't work on fb - but give him a day or so, don't jump to negative conclusions yet.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 17:55

I agree it may just be a technology fail. I travel quite a bit, it's easy to get on FB through free wireless everywhere but international texts can cost a lot depending where you are (he may even have gotten a sim card for the country he's in, if he's there for 2 weeks).

It's only been a couple days, I think it's too early to worry. Give it the weekend or til Monday.

I know it's hard to turn off the worry, but IME sometimes you can end up making it a self-fulfilling prophecy and ruining things.

SirRaymondClench · 16/11/2013 18:18

I know it's possible his phone hasn't been receiving texts but why hasn't he tried to contact Op if he's found the time to post pics on FB?
Get on with having a nice evening Op and see how you feel when this bloke gets in touch.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 19:22

Because if he's busy having fun, he might take only 5 minutes to check in with home, and posting a few photos will update everyone he knows rather than having to contact people individually. I've done this.

I do contact my DH individually but he's my DH, not someone I've been dating for a couple weeks.

Maybe he's distancing himself but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for a couple more days at least.

Mumsyblouse · 16/11/2013 19:26

I would see this as a good opportunity for you to all sort out how you feel- if he doesn't get in touch, you know that despite all that snuggling he's not really that into you and if he does, then he is keen to keep going and this will happen naturally on his return. However, when I travel, my mind is mostly on my work/holiday and not on home, so I don't think him not getting in touch immediately is a big deal and I would let it play out rather than keeping pestering him when he's away-but I am not big on daily texting/fb anyway.

He should be worried about you possibly seeing other people/going off him in this holiday and keen to show you his interest. If he's not I'm afraid I would let it all slide gracefully (one text of 'how are you?' is fine but I wouldn't be bothering beyond that).

Roseflowers · 16/11/2013 19:54

Some really great advice guys, thank you all for taking the time to post! I agree with those of you who said that as he's got time to put stuff up on Facebook he should really have time to drop me a message, regardless of whether he'd got my last text or not! I know I certainly would have been in touch if roles were reversed, especially if I had turned off roaming etc.

Well, he's been on Facebook messenger, (about half an hour ago) but I've had no response to my message. It doesn't say that it's been read but sometimes I know that takes a while to refresh. So I'm basically operating under the assumption he isn't as fussed as I thought. I haven't ditched my social life at all for him, so will carry on as usual and say stuff it until if/ when I get a reply. I know he's away having a good time but I did expect a little more (well, a little anything really) Bummer.

OP posts:
Putitonthelist · 19/11/2013 17:58

Hi OP. Just thinking about you. Did you hear of him? Hope you're ok.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 19/11/2013 18:04

You call it "snuggling on the sofa".

I call that a very fast progression to a cheap date and him getting far too comfortable that you are so low maintenance at just 3 weeks in.

Now he's blowing cold. He's pretty crap, isn't he ? Why on earth are you waiting for him to make his mind up ? Take the initiative, I say.