Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

New bloke has vanished, am I overreacting?

55 replies

Roseflowers · 16/11/2013 13:21

In the grand scheme of things this is really a tiny problem, bit embarassed to post it but I don't really have anywhere else to go for advice! I've been seeing this chap for about three weeks now, we've seen each other five or six times since initially hooking up but I've known him for a while before anything happened (he's a semi regular customer where I work). Things have immediately skipped past the 'dating' stage and into the 'coming round his house and cuddling up to watch a film' stage. We always text each other throughout the day, usually initiated by him, and so things have seemed quite full on and not very casual as it were. All in it all its seems to have been going pretty well, and I've basically fallen for this bloke a little, however I've never been able to just relax and enjoy it because i'm basically waiting to be dumped. I've been out with a succession of blokes this year who have all seemed really keen and lovely who then have just disappeared or dumped me out of the blue. I think i'm waiting for the same to happen here.

He went away on holiday for two weeks on Wednesday. Wednesday morning we were texting away as usual, then about midday he stopped replying. Ok, thinks I, he's at work and has got to rush from there to the airport tonight etc, I'll probably hear from him before he flies, no worries. Nothing all night :/ The next day I sent him a nice message saying the I hoped he'd landed safe etc, was it best to contact him via facebook as I wasn't sure if texting would cost an arm and a leg. Two days later and I've had no response :( No problem, I think to myself, he's travelling and I'll probably hear from him when he gets to his final destination.

Last night he was posting a lot on facebook that they'd finally reached their destination etc, putting up pictures of what he was doing. Still heard nothing from him :( Am I right to feel hurt that he hasn't found time just to drop me a quick message at all over the past two days? I hate it when you text people and they ignore you yet are perfectly capable of posting online. I find it quite rude, and I'm really disappointed that he hasn't found time to message me. Am I overreacting in feeling rubbish about this? It feels like up until now he's kind of been treating me like a girlfriend...and now he's just vanished. I've got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Do I take it that things were maybe not as serious as I thought?

OP posts:

Original poster

Roseflowers · 19/11/2013 18:19

Oh wow, it's so lovely to hear that you were thinking of me! Well, I did hear from him later that day, we've messaged a couple of times since then where he's been quite chatty. He's not exactly bending over backwards to be in touch but then hey, he is on a road trip/ boys adventure sort of holiday and so I'm just leaving him to it. Putting the whole thing on a backburner, getting on with my lovely (usually fun filled) life and seeing what happens and how much effort he makes when he gets back.

I am quite low maintainance really, the annoying thing is that I've dated people before who have made loads of effort, said and done all the right things etc, and they've still turned out to be an idiot (ahoy there, sudden unexpected dumping after a romantic weekend away! Then followed by 'Sorry I was wrong I do have feelings for you after all, oh no wait actually I don't shenaigans). Dating is such a ballache :)

OP posts:

niceupthedance · 19/11/2013 18:28

Glad he got in contact. I consider it quite rude when someone doesn't reply to a message but is online posting other things. Has happened to me today and it makes you feel rubbish.

Hissy · 19/11/2013 20:15

You say low maintenance, I see low expectation.

Step back and make him work. It's all way too easy for him.

You have value love, and right now you are marking yourself down as discounted goods.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 19/11/2013 20:17

Low everything, ain't it

You can do better than this, love. Why are you settling for a bit shit ? ?

ALittleStranger · 19/11/2013 20:35

*You call it "snuggling on the sofa".

I call that a very fast progression to a cheap date and him getting far too comfortable that you are so low maintenance at just 3 weeks in.*

Exactly what I was thinking Mist. Yeah, we all end up on the sofa in our sweats but three weeks in you should still be dating. A speedy progression doesn't mean thinks are serious, it smacks of fuck buddy. A home cooked meal or two pretext for a shag is fine in the early days, but you should both be putting in the effort.

In general though I think 3 weeks in is very early days and I wouldn't expect holiday updates. But I'd be peeved given the ubrupt downturn in contact.

Original poster

Roseflowers · 20/11/2013 00:17

To be honest, I felt more comfortable doing the whole 'come round and watch a film' thing as that's the scenario I tend to feel more at ease in! We did go out and do the drinks/ meal thing a couple of times. To be honest the whole thing happened rather quickly, after our first date we ended up spending the next 2 evenings together as well (he very enthusiastically asked to see me when other plans I had those evenings fell through) and so things felt a bit more couple-y and intimate than date-y to be begin with. And he was the one making most of the effort with texting/ arranging things before he left. He was also more than happy to see me/ spend time with me/ be affectionate and cuddly knowing sex wasn't on the cards (if you catch my drift).

I do have a pretty solid sense of self worth and so this has made me step back and think 'Huh, based on how things were progressing this dude should be trying a little harder right now' and have thus mentally bumped him back a good few levels on the 'potential boyfriend material' scale.

OP posts:

AnandaTimeIn · 20/11/2013 00:37

I've been out with a succession of blokes this year who have all seemed really keen and lovely who then have just disappeared or dumped me out of the blue. I think i'm waiting for the same to happen here.

It feels like up until now he's kind of been treating me like a girlfriend...and now he's just vanished. I've got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Do I take it that things were maybe not as serious as I thought?

I think you need to take time on your own instead of this mad merry go round of men...

Once you get independent of men, there may be someone who appears in your life.

Live your life! Only you can do it.

Cos desperation is not sexy or relationship material... sorry.

gingerpig · 20/11/2013 00:37

I'm sorry but in my experience if a bloke (or woman) is really into you - they will find a way to make contact regardless. Especially if he can access FB. I think you are right to feel hurt and anxious, that's your gut - listen to it.

whatdoesittake48 · 20/11/2013 06:41

Knowing he was going on a boys holiday, he may have wanted to keep things casual with you. He probably wanted the freedom , understandably, to enjoy himself while away. You should probably be prepared that he has done exactly that.

That said, when he gets back he might be more ready to commit.

Original poster

Roseflowers · 03/12/2013 23:57

Apologies for resurrecting my own zombie thread. So the bloke I posted about is back from his holidays. We messaged a few times in the first week he was away but the last time I messaged him was almost two weeks ago and I haven't had any sort of reply back. He was regularly on fb posting statuses about (e.g.) how him and his friend were stuck at a bus station waiting for their connection for three hours with nothing to do (maybe drop that girl you were dating a message back?). According to facebook he got back yesterday morning, and I was leaving it a day or two to forestall the inevitable cries of 'Christ he's got jetlag, leave the poor bloke alone' but hey, here we are and he's not been in touch at all.

It all just seems a bit weird, and it feels so bizarre that before he left we were in touch loads and seeing each other a good amount and now nothing. It feels silly and immature, but I don't want to be the one to text him because I feel as though he should be making the effort to text me, he was the one who went away, I was the last person to message etc. I just feel a bit rubbish :/

OP posts:

TheSontaranPussycat · 04/12/2013 00:03

Do Not, Repeat Not, text him.

Monty27 · 04/12/2013 00:10

Are you likely to bump into him through work OP?

Its not looking great tbh, but then they are from Mars. :)

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 04/12/2013 00:19

OP..if a man really wants to contact you, then believe me he will move mountains..

There is no excuse for not contacting you if he was posting on FB (if he wanted to of course) I'd give him a wide berth to be honest..but then I'm old/bitter/twisted and dreadfully cynical

anapitt · 04/12/2013 00:24

only on mumsnet can a night in snuggling on the sofa be interpreted as a reason to DTMFA

report back in a few days and good luck x

Original poster

Roseflowers · 04/12/2013 00:31

I will not be texting him, don't worry. And yes, as he frequents my place of work (and its how we met) its possible we will cross paths at some potentially awkward juncture. Hurrah!

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 04/12/2013 00:32

Poor you, what a cowardly sadfuck. Next time you have to see him, go for dignity and aloofness. If he speaks or you're introduced, feign forgetfulness. Think: Next!

Monty27 · 04/12/2013 00:35

Rose, yes I guessed that. Well I hope he's suitable embarrassed, don't give him one reaction, not one. Total indifference. And if he asks to see you just look at him like he's weird a giraffe.

There's a story behind the silence I tell ya. (old and wizened)

Jan45 · 04/12/2013 11:21

3 weeks! I'd be expecting the man to still be wooing me, not coming round to mine to get too comfortable. Does he take you out? Ok, you've now realised that's he's a bit hot and cold so you do the same, step back a bit, don't be so available - 3 weeks and it sounds like you've been with him 3 years - nothing worse than being over eager, have a wee bit mystery about you, it's been 3 weeks!

Jan45 · 04/12/2013 11:28

Oh sorry, just read your post above, well you have your answer, he possibly got what he wanted and is now off looking elsewhere, don't allow him to make you feel rubbish, see it as it is, he's pretty much a sad unlikeable person, you, on the other hand, sound lovely, Mr lovely will come along one day soon, you will see.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/12/2013 12:21

No, don't text him.

The timing of his trip probably made it inevitable that there would be a break in communication.

You guys had just started seeing each other and then he was off on holidays miles away, immersed in a different world with different people.

You didn't really have enough on the clock to justify regular messaging, and it probably started to feel a bit weird after a while.

Remember, his timeframe being away is pretty different from yours. For you it was just a normal two weeks, for him it probably feels like he was gone for ages.

I don't think you can tell much about how he feels (or felt) about you from what has happened so far.

All you can do is see what happens from here. His lack of immediate contact on return might mean he's forgotten about you while he was away.

Or it might mean he's just working up to getting back in touch.

Maybe you're no longer interested either.

I don't think being low maintenance is having low expectations at all.

Being difficult for the sake of it to make someone prove something to you is certainly not about having high expectations.

Helltotheno · 04/12/2013 14:07

OP you sound nice :)
But this guy isn't that into you so what you need to do now is distance yourself. Even in work if you see him, short breezy chat and move on. When things get quiet on his horizon ie, his shag diary is empty he'll more than likely be in touch again and at that time, you shouldn't be available.

Sorry about that. As someone else said upthread, just keep enjoying your life and sideline men and bad dates for the time being

Original poster

Roseflowers · 04/12/2013 17:24

Thank you for your kind words guys. It's clear that really he just isn't that interested despite being dead ken before. I've been in a similar situation a few years back where someone I had just started dating went away fr a whole month. However that guy made the effort to keep in touch, was straight back in touch when he got back and even bought me a lovely present etc. So this situation, whilst potentially awkward is really easy to manage with a little effort. I've never been dumped by silence before, the whole thing just feels totally weird and childish!

OP posts:

anapitt · 06/12/2013 04:57

have you heard from him, Rose?

Original poster

Roseflowers · 06/12/2013 15:23

Kind of anapit, I cracked and sent him a brief text just asking him how he was (I'm a big fan of closure and did want to know what the deal was). Turns out he lost his job whilst he was on holiday and moved back to his parents house the day he came back. Asked him what he was going to do now etc and he never replied! I then bumped into one of his housemates in the pub last night who said he's gone back home for good as he's got his old job back down south. Would have been nice to have been told this by him, I figure he wouldn't have even bothered telling me he'd moved away if I hadn't have texted and asked. Still find the whole thing really strange, him going from basically acting like a boyfriend to total absolute silence is just so rude. I'd at least have had the decency to call the other person and tell them what had happened! I definitely deserved at least that much.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 06/12/2013 15:32

So what are you going to do differently next time then to stop the cycle repeating itself?

Flip

1 2 3