Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overbearing MIL and SIL am I overreacting???

75 replies

Mamasasha · 16/11/2013 00:58

I've always got on well with MIL and she had a difficult time since 2011 due my DHs older brother quite literally disappearing without a trace and still not returning 2 years later, I have always tried to be a constant support to her and have always made time for her to come to our house for lunches and gardening sessions etc. She was as thrilled as we were when we announced the pregnancy, first grandchild for all our family, so it's a big deal! I understand this but I'm not quite sure if there has been some scientific study to prove whether us DILs character mutates when pregnant and all of a sudden our MILS become "the enemy" or if it's the MILS that mutate into over bearing fusspot that overstep the mark constantly by overriding your views and opinions, desires and crossing that intimate imaginary line you have created with your partner as a family.
We recently moved into our new house (within the last 8 weeks) which is a 5 min drive from hers and boy oh boy how things have changed!!! I thought this would be fantastic as she would be able to drop in and school nearby eventually she will pick her up. I never expected her to come here and move things around at her preference, tell me how to do everything and override everything I say...she also has turned up with no warning and after finding the front door locked with key let herself in through the back and walked up the stairs of her own accord whilst we were napping! (Me in my underwear!) 38 weeks pregnant when she did this gave me the fright of my life!!! this is all before the baby is here so I'm dreading what she will be like after... My face did say it all I guess but I didn't receive the support I expected off my DH... He thinks I'm being mean to her and it's her right to drop in whenever..I'm firmly convinced it's the other way around! I mentioned I was going to buy wooden letters I had seen for my babies door; 2 days later she turns up with a (ugly) boys set which I've had to put up on the door to please her in lieu of the beautiful girls set I wanted to get...when I was deciding how to decorate the room she told SIL she was to come round and paint a drawing on the babies wall, in particular she wanted clouds and a moon, yes lovely except I had already painted the wall blue and chosen my own design, after all, it's my babies room no? SIL was bitterly disappointed but then again she's 4 years older than me, perhaps she needs to have her own baby to decorate and educate? We also went to choose baby clothes and she pretty much pushed me out of the way to choose the items she liked (I kept quiet again) MIL phones constantly to find out how I am, SIL does not stop texting DH, I have been clear regards hospital visits, I want us to go alone to hospital and let them know when baby is here and when we are ready, I don't want people waiting on ward, outside delivery or in the room, but
MIL and SIL are insisting they want to be there?! And that they will come and wait until we're back in room as they can't be expected to wait impatiently with no news at home! I've explained I want to establish BF and us time with hubby and baby on our own and after some reset will love them to pop in and meet her...this was met with a disappointed reaction from MIL as she wanted to be the first in the room and SIL said she didn't care she'd find out when we were in room and she was coming??? I feel tortured by this as my DH also thinks I'm being weird for saying I don't want visits straight awayI feel totally bowled over by all of it and even worse I'm booked in to be induced on Sunday 8am if she doesn't decide to come out tomorrow... So everyone will know when we are going into hospital and they will all be swarming like bees to be the first to hold baby... After everything I feel really awful and stressed about the whole fucking thing. Sorry for swearing any advice?

OP posts:
Katiejon · 16/11/2013 01:09

V quickly scanned your post.
Tell them to text u b4 they come.
Tell them am tired & sore.
Have done this to everyone I know!
Has stopped them begging to visit.
Be assertive and stand yr ground, if u dont, it may get worse.

Katiejon · 16/11/2013 01:11

Do u have a named midwife 2 discuss this with.
Sounds like my inlaws, stood my ground and more peaceful with dc2.
Sounds like a right PITA!!!!

Katiejon · 16/11/2013 01:13

Tell DH u and baby MUST come first.
Barging in ur house at 38 weeks.
Barging anytime leaves me speechless - wot if you and dh having sex?!

Bogeyface · 16/11/2013 01:15

First, tell them your induction has been changed to 2 days later.

Then ask your DH who is giving birth, you or his mum? Then ask him who is more important.

Then repost with paragraphs, I dont care because I can read, but you will be criticised by the hard of thinking.

MrTumblesKnickers · 16/11/2013 01:17

To be honest, they don't sound dreadful, just overly keen. They've become a little carried away and no one has said "hey wait a sec, this is too much!" That's your DH's job. Although reading back your SIL is being way out of line telling you she's coming in and that's that!

Does everyone know you're being induced? If they don't know the date, don't tell them. Induction can take days anyway (sorry!).

I think the main problem is that your DH isn't backing you up. He needs to be the buffer between you and your ILs at this point.

Stress to your DH how you will need space after the baby. Tell him that the first few hours/days are the most important time to establish breastfeeding and bond and this time can never be repeated.

optimusic · 16/11/2013 01:41

Mil and Sil, put them in their place now. Your home isn't a free for all, where they can barge in as and when. If no-one answers the door they go away.

Any keys they possess are leaving them asap. If they won't, change the locks.

Tell them that you do not want them at the hospital. Don't bother showing up, because you have let the staff know to not let them into your room.

Tell your dh to man up and back you up. You are the one giving birth. You don't want them there and if he carries on being a spineless wimp, he will not be at the birth either. You want to spend time bonding, and establishing bf'ing etc and you don't want an influx of visitor regardles of who they are. Could be the Queen herself, but she would be turned away.. Afterwards you can blaim it all on hormones. The keys are coming back either way, and he can help you do this nicely, or it will cost him time and money changing the locks, and everytime he gives in, it will cost him money to change the locks.

Boundaries exist for a reason. If all else fails, move to somewhere further.

Katiejon · 16/11/2013 02:00

Hi opti.
Totally agree with u.
My inlaws v similar to op and ended arguing with a few of them.
Now, my inlaws respect me.
Show them your balls (sorry), otherwise they will always treat u like this.
My SIL parked in my driveway without asking, I was in the house, blocked my way to the pavement cos her car squished against mine, I missed dr appt!
Dh couldn't see what the fuss was about, sided with sister, I told them both if it happens again, am calling police.
(Not happened since - like to see her try!!!)

Twinklestarstwinklestars · 16/11/2013 02:05

Tell them the date has changed definitely, we didn't tell anyone except out friend who had ds1 when we went in for ds2 and it was great, no one pestering and ds3 was an emergency induction so we didn't have chance to tell anyone.

If you tell the ward you want no visitors they won't let them in.

Good luck, I've been induced 3 times and all were born within 12 hours of starting the process so hope it works quickly for you.

optimusic · 16/11/2013 02:09

I should have added in my previous post, I don't tolerate crap from relatives. I don't care if you are related to someone in my home, you disrespect us, and bye bye. I have standards. I do not give allowances because of dna, this is where people sit and tolerate being treated like shit, because we all know, if in the op's case they were mates, it wouldn't be acceptable.

Divinity · 16/11/2013 02:15

Oh dear your induced date has just been put back. Wink

You can also tell your midwife at the hospital that you don't want anyone except your DH. They're very good at handling pushy relatives.

Also get your keys back or change the locks. Your mil has a big boundary problem. Nip this one in the bud before your baby comes. She shouldn't be wandering inuninvited.

Katiejon · 16/11/2013 02:37

Not overreacting at all.
Im angry and I dont even know them.
Please set boundaries.
Hope all goes well with labour.

Lavenderhoney · 16/11/2013 03:25

My mil also thinks she can come and go as she pleases plus rearrange/ redecorate. Its not on. Don't allow it, its the thin end of the wedge with some people.

Your dh has to tell her to stop, and really with you so close to giving birth should be making sure you have no stress.

  • get the keys back or get someone round to put more locks on the inside
  • tell the Mw and get it on your notes that your mil is not allowed at birth or straight after. Tell her even if your dh says its ok its not.
  • get your dm to come and stay after the birth and chuck everyone out after an hour. Say its the Mw instructions and she is God
  • get the house back on the market and move ( not really joking) sadly, if this is impossible
  • get a list of baby groups and whatnot and make lots of plans for when you feel able to do things its not scheduled round your mil and her seeing the baby.
  • insist you bf alone and everyone leaves, not you sit in a bedroom alone.

Good luck. Your dh has to put you first or it will be awful for you.

IfIDontKnowAndYouDontKnow · 16/11/2013 08:37

So you're being induced in the morning? No way to IL's being there.

Your DH needs to respect your decision. You said they can visit when you are up to it. That is fine.

Your Dsis is incredibly rude! You have told her your wishes & she is going to ignore you and come anyway?! Furious on your behalf.

Put your foot down OP. Sorry that your DH is not respecting what you want. Anyway that midwife can speak to him? Explain how important that first day is for bonding time/ recovery/ establishing breastfeeding?

IfIDontKnowAndYouDontKnow · 16/11/2013 08:39

Sorry. SIL not dsis

laughingeyes2013 · 16/11/2013 08:55

First of all you are not overreacting at all. But when people (namely your husband) don't stand with you on something like this, it can make you doubt yourself because you're in the minority. But they are ALL wrong.

I live with a pushy family in law too so you have my understanding as well as my sympathy. Yes it is true that your husband should stand with you and not his family, the reality is that he may never do the right thing when it comes to standing up to his family.

He is likely accustomed to their overbearance all his life and possibly doesn't recognise it, or particularly want to. Unfortunately you can't change that, and if you try, you will always be seen to be the baddie.

But while that may be true, you don't have to put up with it. Just don't wait for him to change things, you're going to have to. I know when I first stood up to the in-laws it almost ended my relationship with my husband, it was horrendous. But we all came through it and have forged a new and better relationship. I don't trust them as they were extremely damaging at the time, but we are amicable and there is a begrudging respect from them now.

So, in your shoes I would tell health care professionals that you don't want ANY visitors. Your husband can't override this. He may try to pressurise you but smile sweetly and say how tired you are and it's rest you need for now, but that you'll tell him when you're really for visitors.

I couldn't tell from your post if your MIL used a key or whether the back door was unlocked. But if she has a key I'd say there's no point in changing locks as husband will need a key(!!!) and will probably succumb to pressure to hand one over - victory for the in laws - don't go there! However I don't know what your relationship is like with them and how approachable you might feel they are for you to spell it out to them that you were horrified a bit surprised when they let themselves in upstairs. Maybe make a joke about how you could have been caught in any manner of uncompromising positions (literally!!) and then explain that you anticipate after giving birth than you will need complete rest for a while.
I told my in laws that I had asked EVERYONE in my life to call before coming round to see the baby in case I was asleep. They managed to observe this for a while, then then SIL clearly decided that I must be ok by now and reverted, so had to be pulled up again reminded.
If they ignore you from the outset then your other options may be to remove yourself from the house for a while. Maybe stay with family or a friend. I once threatened to book in to a hotel (and fully intended to if I needed to) but didn't need to as miraculously my husband changed his mind. That will possibly mobilise your husband!

She is not respecting your home or your taste by moving your things around. I would either say "oh no, I put it there deliberately, thank you" or mock-horror "oyyy!!!" Or sit down and explain that you just don't move peoples thighs around in their home, that's why everyone has a home of their own. Only you will know how best your relationship with them will allow you to communicant this. But don't roll over!

You didn't have to put the wooden door letters on. You chose to, to spare her feelings. I remember feeling the same about my MIL raving about some hideous net curtains that she loved and put up in my home. I put up with them for a few months then found a 'bargain' alternative and switched them without a word. I would buy the girl letters that you like and replace the one your mil gave you, saying (if questioned) that you like to ring the changes in your home and rave about how variety is the spice of life.

You mention that you kept quiet when choosing clothes and being pushed out of the way. Careful with that, it can be seen as being a doormat and they will do it more and more if you let them. But if THEY were paying then fair play. Go back and buy the bits YOU liked with your own money.

You also say they are constantly texting and phoning. I take it they contact your husband rather than you? If so, nothing you can do about that I'm afraid. But if it's YOU they're pestering directly, just don't answer. They will start to get the message and you can use it to your advantage as a teaching session "I was resting - boy, if I need this much peace and quiet before the baby, just think how much I'll need after! I am DEFINITELY going to need people to call before visiting..."

But when all is said and done you will walk a lonely road standing up to them. But start as you mean to go on and it will pay off. Expect it to be rocky to start with though! Last thing you need on top of a new baby, you have my sympathy. Good luck!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2013 08:57

Mamasacha,

What the others have advised you and you seriously need to take heed now. You do realise of course that when baby does arrive this is going to go to a whole higher level of power and control. They will in time start criticising your every move and thoughts, treat the baby as their own and will use the baby to get back at you. This is what all this is about; these toxic twosome want absolute power and control over you both. Your DH has already acquiesced to their mad whims but you cannot afford to have your own family unit trodden on like this. You have to take a stand.

DH has to decide who is now more important; his mum and sister or you.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are no different.

It is usually when the first child is born to a couple that such problems arise. You and he probably did not have all that much to do with them really beforehand.

Your own boundaries to date need to be now set a lot bloody higher than they have been, your own niceness has cost you dearly and they have exploited it for their own gains. Their keys to your house have to be returned as of now. The baby's room is repainted as to how you want it done, make DH do that, the boys set is sent to the charity shop. What they have done has to be removed, its your child so its your way. You have also likely come from a family unit who are in no way as dysfunctional as his lot are so it is hard to deal with as well.

Your DH is also a big part of the problem here because he is currently (and I warn you now may always be) unable to stand up to his mother and sister (due to a lifetime of conditioning). He is going to have a hard time realising that his birth family are infact very dysfunctional indeed.

I would also think now very carefully about having either his mother or her joined at the hip daughter at all around your child.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2013 08:59

I would have the locks changed. The keys will not be returned willingly.

Meerka · 16/11/2013 11:22

I would have a long and rather ultimatum-y talk with DH - this has gone way too far.

With everyone else here, they are way way out of line.

RandomMess · 16/11/2013 11:28

I would also make some notices so you have them ready to put on the front and back door "Do not disturb baby napping" and disconnect the front door bell.

funnyvalentine · 16/11/2013 11:38

Your hospital probably has a strict policy about visitors, especially through induction, recovery, post-natal ward etc. you could ask the midwife and pass info to MIL and SIL? Not much help in the long term, but might help reassure you for the birth?

My induction for DC1 took 2.5 days from admission to birth, and there was nowhere except hospital canteen for interfering relatives to wait.

Roshbegosh · 16/11/2013 11:38

They may not be put off by messages about you being tired as it is only the baby they are interested in seeing, most likely. I would go with randomMess's suggestion. And definitely chuck out the wooden letters you don't like. Just do it and say nothing. That was a bloody nerve they had, it is imposing and controlling and interfering all dressed up as helping.

eatriskier · 16/11/2013 11:41

YADNBU. I slightly agree that your DH may give new keys to MIL. Easy way around that though - put chains on both doors. She can use the keys all she wants then, but she's not going to get in without causing a lot of damage. Although that only stops her from doing it when you're not it. Unfortuately your DH is ingrained by this behaviour it sounds so you are going to have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it. You don't have to be aggressive, just assertive:

  • you do not let yourself in
  • you warn me when you want to visit
  • if I do not feel like that visit then you do not come round
  • you do not move things in my house
  • you do not redecorate my house
  • if you can't respect this then you are not welcome in my home
Just the laws, laid out - no discussion.

Failing that, do the exact same to her. Go round and move her things. When she moans just say 'oh, I thought that's what we did'. Call in some decorators to her house. When baby is old enough go round, dump baby and say glad you're in - here's the spare nappies/food/etc - I'll pick her up at 5 Wink

Ursula8 · 16/11/2013 11:47

Your problem is DH rather than MIL and SIL as he isn't backing you.

If you change the locks will DH secretly give MIL a key if she asks? If the answer is yes then you have a whole big problem here OP that isn't gong away without some real ultimatum style convos with DH.

I couldn't stand this bullying behaviour and I don't see why you should but ultimately it is your decision. Did you buy the house? If not can you move FAR FAR FAR FAR away once the lease is up?

ems1910 · 16/11/2013 11:53

Oh you poor thing :( My ex mil told my ex H she would drive straight to the hospital (from Blackpool to Glasgow I might add) so she could be at the birth to support ex H. Luckily he said no.

Put it in your birth plan, no visitors until you say so. They won't be allowed on the labour ward anyway, ours is locked and wards have specific visiting times.

Talk to H today, even if it ends up an ultimatum :/

Anniegetyourgun · 16/11/2013 12:04

You're an adult woman and you're about to become a mother; you're not a receptacle for their baby! What you want and need right now is most important, and a properly loving and involved grandmother and aunt would respect that and support you. With any luck they're just over-excited and not terribly good at boundaries, rather than a pair of toxic menaces, but either way they want managing. It won't get better on its own.