Overbearing MIL and SIL am I overreacting???

[Mamasasha]

I've always got on well with MIL and she had a difficult time since 2011 due my DHs older brother quite literally disappearing without a trace and still not returning 2 years later, I have always tried to be a constant support to her and have always made time for her to come to our house for lunches and gardening sessions etc. She was as thrilled as we were when we announced the pregnancy, first grandchild for all our family, so it's a big deal! I understand this but I'm not quite sure if there has been some scientific study to prove whether us DILs character mutates when pregnant and all of a sudden our MILS become "the enemy" or if it's the MILS that mutate into over bearing fusspot that overstep the mark constantly by overriding your views and opinions, desires and crossing that intimate imaginary line you have created with your partner as a family.
We recently moved into our new house (within the last 8 weeks) which is a 5 min drive from hers and boy oh boy how things have changed!!! I thought this would be fantastic as she would be able to drop in and school nearby eventually she will pick her up. I never expected her to come here and move things around at her preference, tell me how to do everything and override everything I say...she also has turned up with no warning and after finding the front door locked with key let herself in through the back and walked up the stairs of her own accord whilst we were napping! (Me in my underwear!) 38 weeks pregnant when she did this gave me the fright of my life!!! this is all before the baby is here so I'm dreading what she will be like after... My face did say it all I guess but I didn't receive the support I expected off my DH... He thinks I'm being mean to her and it's her right to drop in whenever..I'm firmly convinced it's the other way around! I mentioned I was going to buy wooden letters I had seen for my babies door; 2 days later she turns up with a (ugly) boys set which I've had to put up on the door to please her in lieu of the beautiful girls set I wanted to get...when I was deciding how to decorate the room she told SIL she was to come round and paint a drawing on the babies wall, in particular she wanted clouds and a moon, yes lovely except I had already painted the wall blue and chosen my own design, after all, it's my babies room no? SIL was bitterly disappointed but then again she's 4 years older than me, perhaps she needs to have her own baby to decorate and educate? We also went to choose baby clothes and she pretty much pushed me out of the way to choose the items she liked (I kept quiet again) MIL phones constantly to find out how I am, SIL does not stop texting DH, I have been clear regards hospital visits, I want us to go alone to hospital and let them know when baby is here and when we are ready, I don't want people waiting on ward, outside delivery or in the room, but
MIL and SIL are insisting they want to be there?! And that they will come and wait until we're back in room as they can't be expected to wait impatiently with no news at home! I've explained I want to establish BF and us time with hubby and baby on our own and after some reset will love them to pop in and meet her...this was met with a disappointed reaction from MIL as she wanted to be the first in the room and SIL said she didn't care she'd find out when we were in room and she was coming??? I feel tortured by this as my DH also thinks I'm being weird for saying I don't want visits straight awayI feel totally bowled over by all of it and even worse I'm booked in to be induced on Sunday 8am if she doesn't decide to come out tomorrow... So everyone will know when we are going into hospital and they will all be swarming like bees to be the first to hold baby... After everything I feel really awful and stressed about the whole fucking thing. Sorry for swearing any advice?

Oh God, you HAVE to wo(man) up here & that means you and your DH, because if you don't, it's all downhill from here.
You will be setting a precedent if you let them push you around like this.

So: NO to visiting at the hospital unless invited, NO to calling at your house unless they call to check if it's convenient first and FGS, get your house key back & threaten DH with death if he gives them another.
When my DH thought I was being odd re. the key thing, I pointed out that I didn't have a key to her house and said I"d give our house keys & address to random strangers if he gave her a key again!

My inlaws give me the consideration I'm due now, but it took years for them to give it. So start now!

I would change the locks and tell my DH to get his priorities straight or move out until he realises who should be coming first.

Can you warn the hospital you want no visitors? If DH doesn't agree, don't let him know either and ask a friend to be your birthing partner!

(I'm know I'm currently pregnant and hormonal but this sort of thing makes my blood boil, you have enough to worry about with people interfering and disrespecting you!)

And Horsemad makes a very good point about the house keys - try that one!

And if you don't want her set of letters for the baby's room, then DON'T HAVE THEM!!!

You are allowed to have what YOU want, you know!

Be strong, OP.

Firstly, you need to tackle your DH, and explain exactly how all this is making you feel. He is letting you down and if this nonsense continues with the newborn, he is allowing you to be at increased risk of post natal depression. He's got to step up and protect his family, not be a mummies' boy all his life. His mother does not have the right to walk into your home, and the home is not just his. She is not your mum. He can't determine your comfort level with someone who didn't birth you or bring you up as being the same as his and it's wholly unreasonable of him to demand that.

Then I'm afraid I think you need to do the same to your MIL. Explain you've always got on well but at this point she is not allowing you to enjoy preparing for your own first child - she and SIL are making it all about their preparation and that isn't fair. Set out that you need your own time to get to know your baby without being interfered with and while you very much value what the extended family will offer your child, they are the extended family, and the nuclear one needs a chance to bed in first. By not respecting that, she is not respecting the best interests of the baby. She's putting her needs and wants ahead of what's best for her gc, which is a bonded mum.

And yes, speak to the hospital and set out your wishes. Midwives are used to this and deal with it brilliantly. My mum was a pain when I was in early labour, bustling about and it was stopping me from relaxing and focusing, and the midwife quietly asked if I wanted her to deal with it - I said I just wanted mum to shut up, sit down and read a book, and the midwife politely told her to do that or to leave - was masterful. Honestly, trust them to bouncer for you!

Listen very carefully to the advice here to take control NOW before the baby is born because by God they'll only get worse afterwards! And you will be a new mum doubting your own abilities, while they play on your insecurities.

I know it's too late now, but you moved too close to them. I live 15 minutes away from my MIL and it's just about perfect - close enough for her to be able to help out in an emergency, but far enough that she doesn't just drop in every day (although in all honesty she probably still would if I let her!)

You can stop anyone you don't want to be at the hospital by telling the midwives. They will back you up, they will be your "guardians" and keep unwanted visitors away. But you have to warn the MWs beforehand, and explain that you get very stressed by this pair.

Your DH needs to work out where his priorities lie. He is still son and brother to his mum and sister, of course, but you are his wife and mother-to-be of his child! You are his nuclear family now, not them. And he needs to learn to be a support to you.

Your MIL is heavily over-stepping boundaries - put them back in place and enforce them, even if it does upset her. After all, if she wasn't overstepping, there'd be no upset, would there?!

I'm speechless. Your MIL should NOT just walk into your house as she likes ... and your husband should insist on this with his mother. If he is too scared to, then he's being incredibly stupid and needs a very good talking to as to where his priorities lie. You may have to change the locks in the end, which obviously is sort of going nuclear ...

As to the crowd at the hospital when your have your baby, I can sort of understand the general excitement, but I can also understand your wish to be just the three of you. When my first grandchild was due, ten years ago, I wanted to be in at the birth, or at least waiting outside, but daughter gently told me 'no' and I respected that ... I was called immediately after the birth and got there an hour later, and was able to nurse the tiny boy (a red head, screaming his head off!) while my daughter, helped with her DH, went for a shower.

Your inlaws are obviously wildly happy and excited, and are going a bit over the top about the hospital stuff. At least they're not demanding to be in the operating suite with you. Maybe you could compromise about them visiting, an hour or so later, when you're back in bed?

But as for the interference re clothes, decorating etc. etc., you have got to be very VERY firm, mainly with your husband, about laying down the law with his family.

A solution to the door key problem, always chain or bolt the doors when you are home, with a bolt or chain as far up the door as you can reach - its a good habit to get into because in 18 months/2years you are going to have a toddler who may be a little escape artist like mine!

Even in the in laws have a key "for emergencies" they won't be able to let themselves in while you are napping/running around naked or whatever.

Chain/bolt can be explained (if the subject comes up) as being a lot more security conscious now you have a baby...

Might add, Susan Forward's book about Toxic Inlaws is excellent - not that I think OP's inlaws are [too] toxic, but as other posters have said, OP needs to get a grip now, otherwise it'll get harder when the baby's here. Start as you mean to go on ... etc.

Hi.
I hope u r ok.
Please read all these postings.
Think about them and act upon them as much as u can.
I was a doormat when dd was born.

Sil and BIL arrived on doorstep 10 pm to announce they were going to hold our house warming party the next day, in our house!
I was 7 months pg with borderline high blood pressure. It was skyhigh after that!
Another time, arrived on doorstep late evening cos dh not answering mobile, I thought mil had died!
Don't even ask about the SIL calling 11pm on honeymoon to wish us a good holiday!

Don't even ask about the SIL calling 11pm on honeymoon to wish us a good holiday!

Oh, there are so many different ways you could have dealt with that!

Mayb I shouldve told her we were trying to give her a little niece/nephew!

I agree with what most of the others have said - everything you do over the next few months will set the precedence for the future.

Be firm. You know they will be turning up in a few weeks when you are exhausted, baby has just been fed and put to sleep and you are finally having 5 minutes to yourself!

Try to be fair as help is always needed when u have a newborn but be firm. I have had to do this with my mil.

• if it's ok we are having a quiet meal in together tonight as we are tired but you are welcome to come round 2moro when we will have more time to see you.
• try not to mention something they might buy! My mil always does this meaning to be nice band I know it's ungrateful but I tell her I am biting 'ds an advent calendar / new coat / wellies etc and she will go and buy them and they will be awful!
• if they make 'suggestions' for YOUR baby 'you should do this, that blah blah', don't nod and accept it. Change the subject. Get up and get a drink. Do not let them think this pushy advice is welcome.

The hospital we had our ds at doesn't allow visitors other than 1 or 2 birthing partners so tell them that! There's no point them being there... Pretty sure most delivery suites are the same!

Thank you all so much for your advice and for taking the time to write a response!
Today I made the effort before the dreaded induction tomorrow to pop round and see MIL and SIL, I advised DH that I didn't think it was a good idea to mention that I am definitely being induced at 8am as she probably won't sleep I tonight and will be up from the crack of dawn panicking, and no doubt phoning him and before we know it on her way to hospital to stand around outside in waiting area...put like this he agreed with me which I was rather pleased about, but then the dozy thing during conversation with her told her we were booked in for 8am!! Her face!
What i didn't expect was SIL telling him off for telling MIL exact time of appointment, she said the same as me that she would now worry all night and all day tomorrow (finally some common sense I thought) SIL then followed up this moment of brilliance with the killer "just let us know tomorrow afternoon within reasonable time so we can get showered And ready to meet her tomorrow"
DH finally turned and said when were ready we will, but it more than likely won't be tomorrow afternoon.
This did bring up the whole debate again of why they weren't allowed to be in the waiting area whilst I'm dilating/giving birth but for once and thank god DH actually said WE don't want you there that soon, when WERE ready we will let you know" I was so pleased and thrilled he stood up for us!!!! (Me and his DD that is) as I've been made to feel like a villain for requesting this precious time as a family before presenting her to everyone...
I'm not sure who mentioned in previous post but the house is ours, just bought and moved in after renovations, so we won't be moving away again anytime soon! and Mil has an emergency key which hubby refuses to remove from her...but the day she walked up the stairs after gaining access via the back door, our keys were in the locked front door, no one but her knows we leave the back door on latch for kittens to get in and out at the moment, so it's quite insulting to think she would find main door locked and not guess that this is for a reason!!!
She's not all bad, in fact in some aspects I am lucky to have her, she's always been a bit "know it all" but since the pregnancy she has got worse and more dominating and intrusive, she now visits and walks into any room to check over almost, it's quite strange for me really as my parents are much more relaxed!! Sometimes when she's turned up I feel like she come to check I've not had the baby and am hiding it!!!
She's always willing to help and kindly send food over for us, which I really do appreciate but I think most of the way she has control over us and our decisions is because DH allows her to have that control...I'm hoping that when our daughter arrives he may realize his role as man of the house and start to reinforce visiting etc so we can settle into becoming a family.
Any way thank,so much formate support I have read your posts throughout the day and it's comforting to know I'm not alone in my POV!!!

Ha!
Don't want to worry you OP but my MIL managed to barge her way into the DELIVERY ROOM whilst I was there having contractions giving fucking birth and I was LIVID. You have to get DH to lay down the law here.
MIL also used to just turn up. I would sit there, in full view, TV blaring, totally ignoring her as she hammered on my door and windows. I mean how fucking rude and thick do you have to be when someone has told you they do not accept uninvited guests and you STILL turn up whenever it suits you? It's definitely a boundary issue. Clearly they will not accept that you have any right to boundaries
The real issue here is, will your DH accept that you have these rights or are you doomed?

T could take days for the induction to work you aren't suddenly going to go into labour at 8am in the dot so their are no point in them waiting around. Plus a hospital won't allow them to wait there anyway.

I bet your DH wasn't being 'dozy' in the slightest he was doing as he pleases because he cares more for his mothers feeling than he does with yours.
He needs to wake up an realise you and the baby are his priority now not mummy.

As many other posters have said be forward and clear on where your boundaries are because it will get worse unless they know you won't tolerate it.

AS it's first baby perhaps DH doesn't quite know what is involved in giving birth. Set him in front of an evening's recordings of ONe born every minute and he might change his view about all and sundry visiting you when baby is born.

Darling you need to seriously wake up and smell the roses.

So many terrifying things in your post, its like Listening to the woman in REBECCA talking kindly about how helpful Mrs Danvers is....

Near the end I particularly disliked SIL kindly informing you to make sure you give them enough time to get showered.

Of course it will be very tiring and strenuous for them wont it to be waiting while you are in labour, do make sure to give them, her plenty of time to get her shower....

Its very late in the day for you. I pray when the baby comes you are going to be OK and strong enough to tell them where to F off too. It sounds very much like that evil but well known MIL and DSIL toxic pincer action. Your just the conduit to deliver sil and your DH baby...its really their baby in their eyes....you are just the carrier hence the need for her to even be thinking about what to paint the nursery .

My DH can be dozy too and lead to monumental fuck ups that have greatly affected us.

I do not know what to suggest for you except you are simply going to have to be more forceful than perhaps you feel comfortable with to lay down the law to your in laws once baby is here.

Good luck.

Tell the midwives you want no visitors. Your word is final on the ward. What anyone else wants doesn't count. Just make it clear to the nurses.

Secondly if they keep taking your baby off you and it upsets, invest in a sling so you can wear baby and feed baby on go.

It sounds like you have a lot of work to do. The problem with being so passive in situations like this is that you will end up exploding. It might be an idea to stop her helping you out so much.

Your dh wasn't being dozy. He told her because he wanted to and didn't want to risk the fallout when she found he didn't tell her.

Get a cat flap fitted and get a bolt on your back door. You should anyway, for security, plus if you have a back gate, get a chain on it and lock it with a combination lock you can change if your dh gives her the code in another dozy moment. You'll need to do this anyway for when your baby is a toddler.

A sling is a brilliant idea. And don't forget the baby is supposed to be bonding with you, not your mil so don't let her take over. My mil once pushed me out of the way so hard I stumbled a few days after a cs to get to ds before me when he cried. And wouldn't hand him over, jigging him about and shushing him whilst I sobbed and milk gushed.

My dh also would rather upset me than him dm. On this occasion he took ds and gave him to me, mil went ballistic (!) and sulked for 2 days, until dh apologised and so it goes on.

"MIL has an emergency key which hubby refuses to remove from her." There is your problem OP, right there.
I wish you loads of luck with the birth of your baby, hopefully today.

Please do come back and tell us how you are getting on

Yyyyyyy on the sling. I recommend a Caboo Close Carrier from Ebay (they aren't faked as far as I know, and are a third the price of new) because they're a simplified wrap, so easier to put on BUT enough of a palaver to get the baby out of that you can smile serenely and say you think she's sleepy/settled/fine where she is, thanks. It's a lot harder to stop someone getting the baby from your arms than it is sling - they can't grab when they need you to physically manoeuvre the baby out in order to hand them over. It just ensures you have complete control over who holds your baby, and that you're the kangaroo with the pouch, so to speak.

Hang on . You moved so this poor woman could pick up and deliver your DCS from school. She is thrilled to bits and doesn't see your invisible line. Yes you can serve us ,bring us food ,give us all the help we want but don't what ever you do overstep the invisible line with your awful taste in wooden letters . If opening the open back door and going upstairs is intrusive which it is thank god it wasn't your local burglar. Print off this thread and read it when you are a MIL so you'll be a paragon. ( and my MIL was much much worse)