Want to finally leave partner - can any of you MN'er's help me with what to actually SAY?

[wanttofinallyleave]

A bit of the backstory to this -

We have been together for 9 years, but not the past 6 months really (more on that to come). We have 2 DC , one is 8 and one is 4.

The main problem over the years (although there have been others) has been P basically absenting himself from family life. It wasn't so bad until our 2nd DC was born, but it became awful after that. He is self-employed and does not earn much at all , just a very basic equiv of minimum wage, yet he 'works' all hours, loads of hours, on his business. I says 'works' because I know he spends much longer working than necessary ie he just pisses about 'working' after he has done his required 9 hours or whatever he will stay at work 'working' but really he will be tinkering about with things. He stays at his mothers A LOT (she lives nearby). Sometimes with one of the DC, sometimes not. He goes on frequent camping trips also as a hobby, again sometimes with one of the DC, sometimes not.

All of this means he is generally only in the house in the early evening for dinner with us 1 night a week (!) or maybe 2 at a push. He leaves for work in the morning and does not come back until 9pm on a good day when kids are already in bed. At least 2/3 nights a week he stays at his mothers. This means we have next to ZERO family time. I feel like we are strangers and I resent the fact that he does not seem to see family time together as important for the kids. Also when the kids do see him, they see it as a novelty "fun time", because I am the one who does all the boring day to day stuff with them (I work only 2 days a week).

The issue is the next to zero family time. He makes loads of excuses for this (usually involving work). We have argued, I have tried practically begging him to spend more time at home in the past, I have tried threats, tried everything, I used to get really upset and feel rejected but I have hardened myself to him now. He always says he will change it but then does not and ignores it when I bring it up to him that he has not made changes. I have got to the point now that I feel it does not matter the reasons WHY he is hardly here, all that matters is that it is unsustainable for any family to function like this and I want out.

Until 2 weeks ago, we were actually separated since May of this year because of this issue. We had been discussing things and made an agreement that he would be in the house in the early evenings at least 4 days per week. He agreed to this. But as predicted, it has not happened!

I feel he has broken enough agreements and that it is not feasible to go on any further now. However I know him and I know that he will just turn it round on me and say I have "thrown him out" of his family home, denied the children their father etc. He will point blank refuse to acknowledge what I say at all. He is not abusive per se (although I agree that him ignoring me deliberately and pressing the reset button so to speak all the time is a form of abuse, but that's all he does) - so we are not in any danger.

I just don't know what to say to him - the words I mean. If I try to speak in person or on phone as soon as he senses where the conversation is going (I think he knows I want out now - I made it very clear 2 weeks ago this was last chance), he will walk away or completely ignore me or hang up. So it sounds silly, but I need to do it via email and keep re-iterating the same definitive message over and over and over. Also it has to be quite short, as he does not seem to take in long emails / texts.

I know this sounds really silly, but does anyone more eloquent and less rambling (have you seen the length of this post!) than me, have any ideas on how to consolidate a relatively short and to the point email which I can just send him again and again when he tries to say it's all my fault how could I leave him / do this to the children blah blah blah ?

Thanks ever so much if you have made it this far x

ps - house is rented and in my name and anyway he seems to prefer his mothers so I don't think there will be any legal problem there, although he may refuse to leave initially.

Look love, I don't mean to be harsh but if you really want to end it then you need to remember that people have been starting and ending relationships since the Year Dot.

Just do it. What he thinks of you doesn't matter any more. It never did.

So he came in and checked on the DC, went to toilet and went straight to bed. I think he knows what is coming and that's why he tried to avoid it by going straight to bed.

I started trying to say something by saying "This is unsustainable." In a measured, calm and definitive tone.
He mumbled that I was blaming him for going to work and no one else has to put up with that.
I said again "The reasons are not the point - this is unsustainable for us all to live like this and you will have to move out"
He replied "And what about the children, why are you denying them a father in the house....."
I cut him off and said "but you are NOT IN THE HOUSE. You are barely here so there is nothing left to deny them"
To which he sloped off and went to bed and put earplugs in (he does usually wear them but still it is very rude).

Should have taken the advice about not engaging! But still a start. Think it will have to be via text / email though and just re-iterated like a broken record over and over without engaging.

It was a good start. Just repeat the basic facts and stick with it. No need to get bogged down in the whys and how's etc. as you say , he's not there must of the time and you can manage. That's it.

What a flamin cheek, coming home, and going to bed. He knows you're serious. Good luck .

Donkey, thanks for explaining.

Mist, I know! I know! However he is the only real relationship I've ever had, other than a couple of non-serious "boyfriends" at college etc who were particularly vile. I have no experience of ending relationships at all in my own life, ever. The silly college boyfriend scenarios - one just petered out and the other I found out was sleeping with lots of other women and then he duped me for the woman who worked in the chip shop and I was upset for like 2 days!

Thanks redundant and bitter

I'm reading this and you could be describing my stbxh too.

Amazing how many similarly dysfunctional men there are.

I'm sure there an equal number of dysfunctional women, too, it's just the way in which men are described on here repeatedly and they all seem to come from the same mould!

He sounds sooo much like my ex-p who I split up with in Feb. he absented himself from family life in just the way you describe although in his case he went to the pub and then developed an alcohol problem but the more I've thought about it the more I think the alcohol came second and he was really drinking more as a further way of becoming absent iyswim?

I feel much better alone, the lack of anger and resentment and frustration is immense. His constant neglect of my needs and the needs of the children was depressing and made me question my own self-worth but not any longer.

Please don't turn back now, you are doing the right thing for all of you!

You had a good go at it and that must have been hard. Is it tomorrow he is off on his trip? Now you've tried to say your piece and he has cut you off, I think you can go ahead and move him out - pack some bags and take them round to his mum's, get a new lock on the door etc and then while he's away text him and say you tried to tell him, and even though he didn't want to listen, you have made a final decision and that things are over as of now.

I would not advocate this with anyone who would be remotely reasonable and listen, but it doesn't sound like he is or will.

That was a start, love.

Now take mellow's advice.

How about...

Change the locks.

When he tries to get in, can't and knocks on the door tell him that by not keeping up his agreement to be included in the family means he is no longer part of the family and as such, has defaulted on the right to live with the family. Hand him his clothes and stuff in bin bags and calmly close the door.

I think that was a great conversation with him that you had - you couldn't expect any better, really, and at least it didn't drone on pointlessly! You made your point and stuck to it.

I also think that you could now move to backing up what you said with actions, since he is not being reasonable. But if you feel that is too much, you could ask him when he is planning to move his stuff out as an in-between step.

It is really hard, ending it for good. Focus on the outcome while you take the steps to get there.

I was rather soft and gave my H weeks to get used to the idea. Guess what: months later, he's still partially in denial!

"You are hardly ever here. We broke up because you were hardly ever here. I agreed to have you back because you promised to be here more. You are still hardly ever here. So we are broken up for good now."

< bleat bleat bleat you're denying the children of a father in the house bleat >

"We are breaking up due to your utter failure to be a father in the house."

< bleat bleat bleat >

"You have had your chance and blown it. I have made my decision"

< bleat >

"I have made my decision."

Rinse and rebleat repeat.

changing the locks would have made my x so mad. He would have broken a window, got in that way, pull my hair, shoved me around, screamed abuse at me for about five hours.

I guess it depends what kihd of man you're dealing with. I wouldn't recommend that.

Agree with balloonslayer.

It's called the dripping tap technique. you don't keep countering their arguments. You just keep repeating your own position.

REad your update. well done. but wow with the ear plugs. My x used to do that. It is literally a gesture like sign language which looks inoccuous but screams your voice will not be heard

BalloonSlayer that sounds good.

Well to update he got up and went straight to work at 6 am so didn't get a chance to speak to him as I was asleep cause I'd been kept up late with DS coughing fits. 6 am is quite normal for him but still he made no attempt to speak to me on phone all day.

I think he is coming "home" later just before the trip, so I will text him asap something to the point and resolute and see what happens. At least he will have the trip to digest the information, although it probably won't sink in until I say it again after the trip. He will think it will blow over after he comes back no doubt.

I couldn't lock him out just like that unless he repeatedly refused to budge and was making my life hell. He would not be violent or abusive or smash any windows but he would be shouting very loud and banging on the door and possibly scaring the DC. he would prob leave quite quickly and go up to his mothers.
But she can be worse than him - I'd imagine her calling the police that I was abducting the children or some such ridiculous thing. She has called the police over ridiculous things before, like the time where I made a flippant comment to P in an argument on the phone saying that IF I was to hire a private investigator to sit outside his mothers they would prob find him there much more than he says he is. His mother heard this because she is nosy and has a habit of listening into phonecalls. OBVIOUSLY I was not going to do such a thing - that is ridiculous and couldn't afford it even if I wanted to, it was just a throwaway comment - but she phoned police saying that I was going to get people to watch her house and she was frightened for her safety !!!! . the police called me and were completely satisfied I was no danger to her, and then called her and gave her a bollocking for wasting police time !!

I will just have to keep blindly stating my position I think.

The advice and things to say on here has been so excellent I am glad I posted x

And I'm sure they'd give her another bollocking if she rang them with any nonsense about a mother abducting her own children! (It'd be laughable if it weren't so serious.)

By the way, shouting very loud, banging on the door and scaring the DC is all violent and abusive behaviour!

Its like mammy and son bingo. My x called the police on me too. So ludicrous. If the cant control u they will use the police to control u. That is the mindset. Expect to their confusion the outside world doesnt judge u. My x 's mother never said anything sensible to him like "well so she left u, but u weremt happyveither". She stoked his rage amd his belief that he'd been wronged.
Still! Nothing like having an xmil!

Yes his mum is very strange. I know she hates me, always has ever since we met. And also all his previous girlfriends before me! . She has a bit of a screw loose and it's generally a hysterical and childish person in many ways. However that doesn't excuse his behaviour! She is ouwardly nice to me USUALLY (sometimes she will snap and reveal her true thoughts ie the police incident). However she is of the generation where the mother always kept the children after a split 100%, and so I think she is only outwardly nice to me because she's terrified I'll take her grandkids away. When me and P split up in May my eldest told me she had (repeatedly) asked her if mum had met any man friends yet .

So I have sent THE text. As yet no reply. Assume he has not got it yet as he plays radio on weekend nights quite loud at work and wherever else.

xx

Good luck OP

Great, well done, So, make your plans now. Don't wait to see if he's understood and accepted what you've said! Otherwise he will mysteriously never get it. Even if he plays dumb, don't feed that. He's not stupid. He does get it.

Work on the assumption that he will go 'la la la', ignore your text and come sloping back in as usual (probably with headphones in) pretending that nothing has happened. Figure out how you are going to deal with that. Personally I would pack his bags and have them ready by the door / take them to his mum's, and if he gets angry/shouty tell him you will call the police if he doesn't calm down - you will be happy to let the DCs see him and spend time with him but as of now it's over and he needs to move out properly and let you get on with the job he has always left to you anyway of looking after the family.

Yes, by acting as though nothing as happened, he could confuse you. make you wonder if you do really have the power to end it. After all, if you tell him it's over but he doesn't even react to that, then what next? It is hard to know what to do next.

I would suggest boxing up some of his stuff and taping it shut. Ring a moving company and ask them to drop off some boxes. Put all his clothes in one huge box. Ask him if he would like it sent to his mother's or to storage. Maybe you could even pay the first month on a storage unit and put his stuff there? I don't know. But just make sure that when he walks through the door, he realises that he can't let this slide off him like teflon. He can't just ignore your decision.

Good luck wanttofinallyleave... Let us know how it goes! I really hope for your sake he gets the message (text message and message about your feelings) and gets his acts together for his children's sake!!
You would really think his bloody mother would say go and live at home with your partner and children! That's where you should be not here with your mother! Grow up you have responsibilities!! But like you say she's got a screw loose! It sounds like a lot of it stems from their relationship.. He sounds like a mummy's boy!!
Like I say good luck!!