My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

emailed the email he sent to my wife of his cock to the entire football team we played for, probably a bad idea but it felt good.
I bet it did.

I'm glad you are getting some space with her away from you.

And no matter what has been said here, this is YOUR decision. Do NOT let her control that decision. What she has done, SHE has done. It's not to do with you. SHE chose to do it and if you do decide you can't trust her again then it's not your fault at all if you do split. It's all HER doing.

I tried to forgive and forget, but it didn't take long at all to realise I couldn't do it.

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair. If it's lost it's not easily found and if it is found it's never the same again

Good luck OP in whatever you decide to do.

Well done Upsethusband to taking time apart to think and evaluate things and the future.

I hope you both find the clarity you need to progress forward be that together or by separating.

It's not easy finding someone you love has cheated on you and I know how you feel and what you are going through

Even criminals derserve our respect. But she did not not commit any crime outside hurting and betraying her hubby. She deserves my respect absolutely.

I'm sure she'll be very grateful...

"Even criminals derserve our respect. But she did not not commit any crime outside hurting and betraying her hubby. She deserves my respect absolutely."

Must remember to use a gender-reversed version of that one on the next 'My Husband is Having an Affair' thread. Bet it'll go down really well.

OP you sound amazingly together given the shock you've had. I'd probably fall apart completely if DH did that to me.

But she did not not commit any crime outside hurting and betraying her hubby. She deserves my respect absolutely.

I think that's fine, so long as you write similarly when women are posting in absolute shock and heartbreak after discovering their husbands' affairs. "He hasn't committed a crime beyond hurting and betraying you. Your husband deserves my absolute respect".

Bryant

Criminals do not deserve our respect. What an odd thing to say.
Cheating is not a crime, but cheaters do not get respect from me either. Respect is not a given right, it is earnt, through behaviour. Shitty behaviour (breaking the law, for example, or having the om watching you get married) lose my respect

Trying to see things from a different perspective will provide OP a solid platform to form a judgement. It would have been easier for me to join the bandwagon and tell him to throw her, that she is disgrace etc.

But the reason we have a forum is for people to offer different opinions and angles to a topic.

I believe that friends of OP would have told him all that has been written and suggested in this forum.

At the end of the OP has to decide not us.

Lulu1083

Pls don't take my point out of context. Shld read the thread before this throughly before commenting. I was just responding to what someone wrote before.

Well I don't respect criminals!!!!
Why on earth should I????
That makes no sense to me what-so-ever.

"Trying to see things from a different perspective will provide OP a solid platform to form a judgement. "

Looking forward to you posting the same advice to a betrayed wife then, Bryant. Will be looking out for it, in fact.

Hi upsethusband,

So sorry to read about what you're going through. I just joined myself ( I am man) to ask some opinions from women too, so I think it's fine to post here.

Echoing many of the comments above, it sounds to me like she has been deceiving you on a few levels-and I think that it doesn't really matter if they have had sex or not now it's got to this stage. It all sounds a bit fresh; I think you need some time to see how you feel about her and what's happened. If it were me, I wouldn't make any snap decisions. I would need to work out how I was feeling. You do, of course, deserve the truth and maybe you can illicit that from her. Any decision you make needs to be based on the facts.

If my girlfriend had done this, I think I would find it hard to get past it, but it wouldn't be impossible. She definitely needs to have no more contact with this other bloke though (who sounds like a real nasty piece of work, by the way).

Best of luck mate.

OP. You will always get a mixed barrel of opinions. You do sound very sensible and obviously want to do what is best for your children. There are always shouts of LTB (leave the bastard) when something like this happens, but you and only you, can decide what you want to happen next.

Some time apart will give you both space to work out what you both want to happen next. As I said previously, she needs to stop all contact with this man.

She has betrayed you and hurt you badly. Yes there are two people in a relationship, but if there have been any problems, then you sit down and talk about them, you don't find somebody else to put your time and emotions into.

My Xh walked out with no warning, suddenly announced that he didn't love me. He came up with a million reasons why, none of which he had ever bothered to sit down and talk about, so I was oblivious to these many "problems".

You can only fix a problem when you know it is there.

Your story rings bells with me in that the OW that my XH is "best friends" with, was cheating on her boyfriend. She stopped seeing OM, married the boyfriend, then started seeing OM again. She then left her husband within 12 months and married OM a couple of years later. Her parents were still paying for the wedding when she left her first H. She is now cheating on husband number 2 with my XH. Sometimes people get caught up in a situation, other times, they simply don't give a toss about what they are doing and who they hurt.

Please do think very carefully about what you want and if you both want to continue the marriage, whether or not you could ever forgive her for what she has done.

As for the photo, probably not a good idea , but . We all have dreams of revenge like that, but it is better to remain dignified if you can.

OP I'm glad that you asked her to leave.

You do need the space to think, and process what has happened.

The crying and threatening to take her own life is because of the shame, humiliation, and horror that all has been found out, and all the sordid details as well. She realised that the shit had hit the fan, and that your family, her family, all your friends and all her work colleagues would find out now.

Getting her to leave is the best thing. Good luck with the future and keep posting.

Bryant I have already read the whole thread, and am well aware what you were responding to. My position regarding respect still stands. What she has done is massively disrespectful to the OP. I think she deserves compassion for her 'mental health issues' if they are real, and not just a ploy to manipulate her poor dh.

I don't think OP should throw her out, but temporary space is necessary for him to decide what he wants. It's too hard for him to see clearly what he wants/needs while he is more inclined to care for her because she is upset.

@FarmerSueTickle

Looking forward to you posting the same advice to a betrayed wife then, Bryant. Will be looking out for it, in fact

My opinion is not based on gender. I'm a man.

I'm not trying to be biased.

@hellsbellsmelons

Well I don't respect criminals!!!!

Try to read the whole context before jumping to conclusion.

Even criminals derserve [sic] our respect.

Yes, I can't think how hellsbells jumped to the conclusion that you were suggesting criminals deserved respect.

If you do go down the divorce route, then you need to think about childcare for when the children is with you. I know you say that she needs to bring them up because she works shorter hours. If the marriage breaks down she may chose to pursue a career and work much longer hours, and your children may anyway end up with a nanny, while you get to see them just every other weekend. In your shoes I would push for 50/50 custody and have a good nanny in place yourself, preferably the same nanny for stability.

Remember, you did not cause this. Your wife opted to marry you, have you pay out for a big wedding, while she was engaging in an affair with your mate.

As usual, please lets not derail, and feed it.

Sorry

Upsethusband, emailing photo to football team :) :) Good for you.

Please allow yourself plenty of time and space to grieve and be sad.

Your wife has carelessly (and deliberately) broken something incredibly precious. Your relationship with her will never be the same. If you decide you want to stay with her and try to make things work, you will be embarking on a new relationship.

If an adult is unhappy in any relationship, they have a responsibility (to that relationship, if they care) to talk about their dissatisfaction and attempt to find a solution to improve things with their partner. A solution which does not involve hurting the someone who you are supposed to love and care about more than anyone else.

Ditto

My DB is going through this atm, his wife of 2 years had an affair with a family friend, they were gonna start trying for a family very soon, and he is naturally devastated, but hes not willing to forgive her, i dont think he could ever forget her betrayal and the public apology on FB (boak).

My ex had an emotional affair and he eventually left me after 8 months, i wish i had kicked him out on day 1, things might have been different, but i left it 8 months, took an overdose because i was so depressed and he left the same day. I dont know how someone can be so cruel.

Now that the first step is taken.

The second step is to evaluate your position and try to be objective about it. You know your wife better than any of us. I trust you to make the right call. But before you do that you need to find peace within yourself.

Breakups is a common social trend but it is not always the solution. There is no solution at all. This is the point where you need your whole knowledge of your wife, your family daily situations, your children and lastly your relationship.

Lastly pray that God will assist you in whatever way you choose to go.

God? FFS....