My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

I'd love to know what the team's reaction was... :)

(OP... original post/er)

I understand the reason for the e-mail :) But, tempting though it is to focus your anger on Dick Boy, it's your DW who is responsible for the mess. You're reluctant to get angry with her at the moment because you're still trying to hold this together etc. But it will come.

minimonty has it right.....maybe not a good idea what you did with the email but i can understand 100% why you did it,
Don't feel sorry for your wife, she has been deceitful and lied through her teeth to carry on with this dick, you are in danger of looking like a mug I'm afraid, SHE IS ONLY UPSET BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN FOUND OUT, she is drip feeding you all the bad bits, there was plenty on her phone that she didnt want you to see I'm afraid
A 'friend' of mine had an affair, she and the other man were both married, she used to take days of work to meet other man, it went on for years before SHE was found out, threatened to take her own life, said the other man had put pressure on her to have sex OP, she now lives with the other man!!

The photo was a bad idea. Firstly, you're well on the way to making him the Baddie and your wife the manipulated innocent. Secondly, now everyone in your football team knows your wife's most private business.

The photo was a good idea. Sod him.

Thinking that he is the baddie though is a very bad idea. She was the one saying the vows to you, no? With him grinning in the room. She was the one who had the wedding of a lifetime while planning secret hook-ups, no? She was the one who threw her phone away rather than you see the truth.

I'm sorry OP. I'm glad you have told people around you and it sounds like they will support you. I don't know how anyone could get over this.

OP = original poster = you

OP I feel for what you are going through. If you are new to MN you may not realise that a lot of folk post in haste and write with their hearts and not their brains. That is understandable but it does not always lead to temperate practical advice. There is a particular bias on MN that you should bear in mind.

As a Dad, you are quite right to acknowledge that the DC (darling children) should not become pawns, and that your DW (wife) is the appropriate one to bring them up and so should stay in the family home. This makes any decision about leaving much more difficult for you as you will (largely) lose the DC even if you do get the usual shared residence. You need to think long and hard before you ever move out as you may never move back in.

I am going against the grain here and will say it is quite possible that your DW is genuinely remorseful and that you both have a future together if whatever it is that gave you those perfect years is still there. You have both taken an emotional battering and are feeling destabilised. Perhaps some counselling could benefit you both before any decisions are made. Explore what made your DW feel the need for external validation - I think it is telling that your youngest is 3: your DW is emerging from years of having been tied to the house and (sorry) drudgery of small children and may have needed something to make her feel adored as a woman and not just as a mother. This is NOT an excuse for her behaviour but is a possible explanation. Many marriages do survive a brief dalliance by one or more partners and it does not have to be the end of the road if you have something valuable to salvage. Is your DW still the woman with whom you want to spend the next few decades, and are you the man she wants to be with? If yes, then I wish you luck in getting through this patch.

Re the overdose attempt: please ask your DW directly if she has thoughts/intention/ plan to take her own life. If yes, then please do not assume this is simply a cry for help. Please seek immediate help. I cannot stress this enough whatever your intentions are regarding the future of your marriage. Any such event would turn a rough patch into a heartbreaking tragedy.

Good luck. You sound lovely btw and balanced and right thinking. Those qualities will all help you to get through.

How are things at work with your boss? Do you need to find a new job? Gosh, it never rains but it pours.

OP: Your come across as a great guy, I am so sorry you have deceived in this way. Your wife is lucky to have a man like you, so committee to the happiness of your children above anything else.

Unfortunately, in this day and age, people are not taking their wedding vows seriously. Some people think getting married is just about having a big party in a nice dress with good food and drink. I wish this could change. I wish our society would go back to caring for family values and going into a marriage with a life long commitment.

Marriage is not easy, but for it to have gone wrong so early on seems inadmissible. All the best to you, and I hope you find the right path to your happiness.

Im sorry but I agree with cooljazz
She didn't stop it after you wed.
Theres a few words that come to mind when thinking about her.
Ive been with hubby over 7 years. Im pretty young myself but I pray and hope that a day like this never comes for us.

It all comes down to trust. Do you think you would be able to trust her again?

The next time shes late from work,would you believe she was stuck in traffic or would you think she was back in his arms?

When her phone goes off next and she says it her friend would you believe her?
I doubt it.

How are you and the kids?

Raisin But this wasn't a "brief daliance". This was an affair that pre-dates the wedding, that was happening whilst the wedding was taking place and has continued since. The OM was at the wedding, hugging the OP and congratulating him whilst all the time fucking his new bride. The new bride didn't even have the decency to tell the OM to stay away.

That's about as low as it gets, tbh.

The OP is not responsible for his cheating wife's mental health either.

OP you sound like such a lovely man.

I would imagine that even if you do make a decision to continue with your marriage- this will be the cancer that will inevitably kill it.

She sounds like an incredibly selfish woman.

My mother had an affair when I was 17 and my brother was 14. It was with a man who was managing a local pub and our neighbour (and my mums friend) worked there. My mum and dad had a summer BBQ and my mum invited the man she was having an affair with (obv we didnt know at the time)

She went on to leave my dad (well he actually threw her out when he discovered the affair a few weeks later) and is now married to this man - however I cannot ever forgive her for blatantly parading him around OUR HOME in front of us and the deceit that would have involved. He shook my dads hand etc.

The rest of the 'affair' is neither here nor there for me- my dad is very happily married now to my Stepmum- but as already stated, the knowledge that he was at our home that day is something that i will never ever forget or forgive.

Just wanna add my thoughts on this topic.

I always believe that when a marriage goes bad, that there are always 2 ppl accountable for that. Relationship is always about relating with one another either with someone you love or friend. From following your story, I would like to advise you not to rush your decision. Take your time to meditate and pray for God's guidance. It's not always easy when kids are involved becos they are innocent and shld not fall victim.

In a functioning relationship you have you, your partner (in this case your wife) and your relationship. All these three needs taking care of. I dont want to go into who did wrong and who did right becos I'm not living with you. My main point is for review your whole situation and evaluate what is more important to you, working long hours, being the dad at home and caring for wife. You have to find a practicable balance. Your kids don't really see enough of their dad due to your long hours at the office, so for them moving would't really make a big difference in their life.

I believe that your wife loves otherwise she wouldn't say yes on your wedding day. The problem is that she is human and human make mistakes. In throwing away her phone, she is trying to protect you from more hurt. I would suggest that she severe ties with her boss and job. An ideal situation is to change enviroment and start new again.

I can't judge if you are nice man or not becos I've not heard from your wife. But I do have sympathy for you and know how hurtful it is. Just LISTEN to your self and decide with your head.

Some kids come through their parents separating, others do not. Eitherway what is more important is showing your kids how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Becos with your current career situation I don't know how often you've been doing that.

I'm afraid I agree with FolkGirl. Your account of the wife's behaviour is too generous, Voice.

This was an on-going affair and if OP hadn't discovered it, it would be continuing. She lied, and lied and minimized and he still hasn't got to a plausible truth. He has seen talk of love, etc.

And worse for OP, this is over the period of their wedding. The lead-up to it, the day itself and the aftermath. This timing does make it particularly horrendous. How can he ever look back on his wedding day with happiness?

folkgirl "the OP is not responsible for his cheating wife's mental health"

He loves her. She is a human being. He is a decent person. They are married. She parents his children. They love her. Of course he should take some responsibility for helping her to get through if she is at risk of self harm. It is not, of course, in any way his fault but that is a different point.

Your comment has absolutely taken my breath away and is what I meant when I said some posters are not engaging real thought and an understanding that this is not a game when they post. Think about the possibility that someone might just take you literally before you say daft stuff on forums. Seriously. Knee jerk emotional responses are not necessarily helpful to the OP.

If the wife loved him - in the proper sense of the word - of love and respect - she wouldn't have invited her other man to be at the wedding, she wouldn't have been fucking the OM before and after the wedding.

Bryant, you are victim blaming here. The OP was working hard to support his family. If the wife had a problem with that, she should have told him, not embarked on an affair.

Last point for folkgirl: As a purely practical matter, how exactly would it help the OP if his wife had a nervous breakdown and/or took an overdose? How would it help his children? How would that make him feel any better?

On the main point of this thread, human beings make mistakes. ALL of us. And we need a chance of forgiveness. If the OP and his wife can resolve this, then that would be the best outcome most of all for the children and so should not be written off as a possibility. An affair is not always proof of the cheater not loving their spouse. There can be all sorts of factors at play.

OP take some advice in RL from experts and not from MN. I wish you well.

Where is the OM in this situation. Has he been in contact with you since discovery/ Is he shitting himself that his DW finds out about this longstanding affair,
OP your wif must be a very good liar to have managed to conduct this affair so discreetly for so long. Your life for a long time and your entire married life has been built on a lie.
I am so sorry but an affair conducted so successfully and so close to home for so long would have me running screaming for the hills.
You deserve so much better

Mini monty.. Wise words I couldn't have said it better and OP that's exactly what your mates will say to you.
As for the small... I'm all about the revenge.. Love it. Glad it made you feel better! I'd have done a lot worse
It really is early days, you need time for all this to sink in.. The anger will come, it always does. You don't have to make any decisions now.. Leave her hanging. I find silence works wonders in situations like this. Let her do the talking she will dig a very big hole and you won't have to say a thing.
You sound like a lovely Guy, who has been seriously unappreciated. You deserve better than this.. We all do. Marriage vows are the glue that holds us together she doesn't believe in them. What was the point in getting married. Your coping so well hang in there.

email! Not small bloody iPhone

VoiceofRaisin I have been where the OP is. My stbxh has threatened suicide and had a breakdown all brought on by the exposure of his affair.

I pushed him to it and he sought medical help. He is now receiving CBT to deal with the feelings of guilt he has that are so great he has, on occasion, considered ending it to escape. Feelings of failure as a father. Feelings of failure as a husband. Feelings of failure as a man and as a human being.

I don't want him to feel like this, of course I don't! I married him, I still care about him, he has two children and other family who love him. I would be truly sorry if anything happened to him, because he made a fucking huge clanger of a mistake, yes, but he's still a person!

But it is not, and was not, my place to take on the responsibility for his mental health. I have heard a lot over the last year about how his feelings are more important than mine, about how what he feels trumps everyone else's feelings. My priority was making sure that I was ok and that the children were ok. And that needs to be the OP's priority too.

Hey OP

I'm sorry you're going through this. I discovered my ExP had been lying to me for 2 years and he left me for someone else. That was nearly 9 years ago and it's been one of the most formative experiences of my adult life.

I simply did not know how capable he was at lying and how little I really knew him. It took another 2 years of "drip drip" for me to really know in my soul who is was and how manipulated I had been. It was unsettling and hurtful and depressing. I was changed as a person fundamentally.

What I learnt is what you are told is the tip of the iceberg. This could be because of shame, embarrassment, self preservation or the desire to remain in control. Recently there was a study about those who lie and it was shown to be addictive like gambling is. There's a thrill in the getting away with it, a power kick and buzz. I think this describes my Ex perfectly. Even in the face of irrefutable evidence he would continue to lie - he was in a hole so he kept digging!

I have no definitive opinions about your wife.

My advice to you

1. Try to eat well
2. Try to sleep / rest
3. Try to remove yourself from any dramatic situations with this other guy / your wife (her histrionics are designed to deflect and make her seem like the victim). Don't get sucked into their dramas.
4. Make no important decisions. Sleep on everything. At least 7 times!

I imagine You're wired on adrenalin / stress / anger / confusion and hurt. None of those are sensible foundations for good decisions. It's fine to say nothing to your W. it's fine to reserve judgement. It's fine to bide your time. It's fine to say you don't know if you want to stay together or forgive. It's also fine to change your mind if you feel differently next week.

Most importantly surround yourself with those you love and trust. You're vulnerable and wounded and like with any injury you need time to convalesce and recover.

@Thisisaghostlyeuphemism

I never said that what the wife did is right. My point is based on identifying the cause of such an action, evaluating and moving forward. Maybe the wife is very good at lying, I don't know. I wouldn't be too quick to condemn someones character afterall OP married her after 10 years of being together. So she couldn't that bad and don't forget she is the mother of his children. She deserves respect from us.

Just because you've jettisoned a baby through your fanny, it doesn't make you the Virgin Mary. Mothers can be nasty people too....

FFS, I married my stbxh after being together for 10 years. Before we got together, I used to wish he loved me because I thought the girl he ended up with would be the luckiest person alive - he was so kind and thoughtful and romantic.

Didn't stop him though.

I am absolutely astounded at some people's comments about the wife. She is no different to a cheating husband. And I don't see too many people as quick to defend them and their actions on this type of thread. And certainly no one ever suggesting they deserve our respect!!!