My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

I agree Cogito

It is harder for men than for women because the children have to come first, as the OP says, and in this case they will stay with their mother as she is best placed to care for them and bring them up. This means that if the OP walks away from his marriage, he will largely walk away from his children and his family home. That is a very big step.

folkgirl sorry for what you have gone through. Well done for ensuring your STBXH has got the help he needs. I am sorry you were told that his needs came ABOVE those of you and your children. Clearly that is not right. You have however adopted a slightly more nuanced position than in your earlier post - you recognise completely that you don't want anything bad to happen to the cheating spouse and that you helped yours to receive treatment. That is all I am advising the OP. Your first post came across a bit as "wash your hands of her mental problems" which would have been poor advice and, if taken, could result in a sad outcome for everyone involved. I think we agree really!

Breakups is a common social trend

You know, I'm thankful they are if they reflect the fact that people have choice and don't have to stay in an unhappy relationship due to financial or social or religious reasons.

Lets all hold hands now.

Is it OK to knock people's religious beliefs on Mumsnet now then?

OP - I hope you photo-shopped the photo! I'm sorry I haven't anything more constructive to add and I hope you are bearing up.

..I am amazed to see the kind of bigotry on here that I would normally associate with the mail online. Although I am new here, I would imagine that religion bashing/mocking belongs elsewhere.

OP, you sound like a lovely bloke, and your determination to do the right thing for your children shines through! Good luck finding your way forward, and I hope you heal from this, find a work-life balance that enables you to spend time with your children (don't put yourself down by saying things like "she's a better mum than I am a dad" - as a single parent myself, I know how hard it is to find time and energy with your children after a whole day at work, but honestly I'm sure you're doing the best you can, and you certainly don't come across as having a "Disney dad" mindset, i.e. cherry picking the fun bits of parenting). And long term, I hope you find someone who appreciates you properly and deserves someone as nice as you.

And Vivacia - Amen to that sister!

Pouchy, NormalDude - Religion can be a force for good, but is also frequently used as an excuse to keep people in relationships which are dead in the water (I will never forgive the religious elders in my sister's community - non Christian - for encouraging her to stay in a physically abusive relationship because "marriage is sacred" - balls to that, there's nothing sacred about a husband beating the shit out of his wife). The poster who's come on here is not offering Christian compassion (I have been privileged to know a number of very lovely Christians who offer enormous and loving, and importantly, no-strings-attached support - like the wonderful Catholic priest who supported one of my best friends through the catastrophic aftermath of an affair); rather he/she is on here to push their own religious world view on people who don't want it.

I see it differently- they were offering the advice that was asked for- advice comes in many different forms. The OP takes what info/opinion/advice he wants and ignores the rest. I'll not debate further; it's detracting from the original purpose of the thread.

I have screen grabs of all the emails and FB messages colluding afterwards.

You mean they were colluding after the discovery?

You are being very generous to her in that case Upset.

colluding after when? The wedding or your discovery.

And apologies for all the bickering going on here, without consideration of you, upsethusband.

I think you are doing the right thing with getting space, and posting on here. You sound like you are really dealing with it, one step at a time.

The photo to the footie team was a great idea! Your wife is not going to come out of this smelling of roses. She will have to grow up a lot in order to deal with the humiliation, but I hope she can and will do this.

Does the OM (other man's) partner know?

I'm guessing she'll know everything after the photo stunt.

OP first of all! I hope you're ok. Of course you're not really but I hope you know what I mean

Secondly, one thing shone out like a beacon from your posts yesterday. You said "I know when she's lying." Well, sorry to be brutal but quite clearly you don't. Because otherwise she wouldn't have been able to conduct this affir for goodness knows how long.

People in these situations change into someone you don't know. They look the same, they act the same in many instances, but all the while they are conducting this second secret version of themselves. It is devastating when you realise it. And see it. I also speak from bitter experience.

Take care

Hmm...I can understand why you felt the temptation to forward the photo but it was probably not your best move. Sending indecent material by email constitutes a criminal offence under the Communications Act. I wouldn't do any more forwarding if I were you.

"Does the OM (other man's) partner know?"

Time to send another cock pic

Probably also worth taking the advice on getting lawyered up, OP. Better to assume the worst could happen at this point

Please please please op don't send any more pictures. It might've felt good at the time but I promise you'll regret it later if you do

Is there any chance they are denying sex and hiding evidence because full sex affair is needed as grounds for divorce because of adultery?

I find it how easy it is for some ppl to mock my religion without even touching the topic on board. I'm fine with it.

The problem is that my opinion was not meant for them but for OP. So pls keep your thoughts and believe to yourself.

No religion is telling you be in a relationship even if you are unhappy. Pls for God's sake, try to be objective!!!!

God bless USA!!!!

Unreasonable behaviour could definitely be cited here I think.

Raisin if it did come across as "wash your hands" then it wasn't intended to . But it's really unfair for the wronged person to feel responsible for the MH of the person who betrayed them. When you're in that position it's all you can do to get from one end of the day to the other, eat, get dressed, get the children to school... feeling responsible for another person's MH, when they have caused so much damage to your own just isn't on.

Because of the confusion, shock and betrayal, though, you can end up thinking it was your fault or that you should be the person to try and make them feel better because you aren't thinking straight and your overwhelming drive is to Make Things Better.

The OP is clearly a decent chap, who sounds like he'd do the right thing anyway. I just didn't want him to feel like he needed to take care of his 'wife' now too.