My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

Hello Everyone,
Newbie here too. You looked like a great group to chat with.
So sorry you are going through this stress upsethusband. I too have been down this road in a previous marriage , many years ago. Twelve years.

It was a kick in the- you know where. Discovery is the worst. It shakes you up. Tons of questions , but it hurts to dwell on it & probably not good for you either. Take your time as you can only decide what to do. It is hard for children , especially with holidays coming. Can you do things out with the children ? Just the three of you? Lunch & playground or something enjoyable? It will help to de-stress maybe & good for all.
Good luck.

Welcome Weeser. And that's as good a first post as any.

My my OP....she's got you right where she wants you-hasn't she? She cheats on YOU,lies and betrays YOU.....and manages to manipulate you into thinking that SHE is the victim here!!! She's already got you thinking that somehow YOU are to blame, i.e your job/personality!!! And you're falling for her games by thinking of ways to excuse her behaviour,by constantly thinking about HER and not about how she's hurt and betrayed you DELIBERATELY. There is no way you can think clearly with her right next to you playing on your feelings for her.

She was NOT coerced into having an affair nor was she forced to lie to you over and over again-she CHOSE to do those things. She did sleep with him...the phone would have proven that in the txt messages...and now she tells you the 'reason' she threw the phone was cos she didn't want you to see the text saying 'i love you' to him-bet she only said that AFTER you told her that throwing the phone showed she had no intention of being honest with you??

I've known women like her. This won't have been the first time she's cheated on you-but she'll never admit to that cos you have no proof. She still isn't telling you the whole truth-just drip feeding you bits when you're close to exposing what she's really about. She knows your 'weak spots' and she's using the age old tactic of tears and emotional blackmail to reel you back in before you get far enough to see through her.

If i were in your shoes i would be asking myself/her WHY she married you whilst still carrying on with him? What were her motives? Clearly she didn't do it for love. Financial security? You admit you have a good job and are doing well....and she's playing to your ego by saying she feels 'overshadowed' by you and 'insecure' cos you're the 'life and soul of the party'.

I'm really sorry you've been put through this,however-in my very blunt opinion.....she's used to secure herself a cushy position where she's always got what she wants-you providing the financial security whilst she has her fun . She would have carried on her affair if you hadn't caught her out....and no doubt she will try and take you for every penny she can if you decide not to stay with her. She knows she can cos you do not see yourself having full custody of the kids ever.

I don't know how you trust someone again after they've done what she did. I know i couldn't.

A note about lying. People think i am a rubbish liar. What they don't know is that they will never, ever find out about the stuff that is important. I'm sorry to tell you that "she is a rubbish liar" is no guarantee that this is, in fact, the case.

Most of us are exceptionally good at lying when our security relies on not being found out

I agree whether they had sex isn't relevant in many ways - she betrayed you emotionally.

Also meant to add....have you actually asked her WHY she married you if she was telling 'him' she loved him? Or was marrying you something she 'got caught up in' and 'carried away with'?!

I agree with squiffy, the woman you thought she was-was just an illusion. An illusion we all believe when we fall in love with someone. Time and space apart from her will hopefully help you see her exactly as she actually IS.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know how devastating it feels.

I think the OP is in shock. He thought he had this lovely life, wonderful wife, kids, job - everything anyone could ask for. Then this Saturday it all fell apart - it's only Tuesday now. I would imagine it just doesn't feel real yet. I think the anger and disillusionment will set in when it does.

OP, Mumsnet is great when people are in this situation. You will always have people to hear you, support you and worry about you if you need it, as well as brutal honesty that those close to you will be scared to offer, in case it offends or you make a go of it after all this and they alienate you. Here, people say it how they see it - some may be wrong, but nobody pulls punches, and there's such a variety of views. I think that's so valuable and I hope you find it so. Conversely, never feel like you owe anyone a clarification or update. Take what you need from this place - it's what it's here for, and what IMO it can at times do best.

To bolster what Christmas said - Partial confession is a great means of hiding a larger lie. In the absence of proof, the only way to get busted in a lie is by failing to remember it. The fewer lies you tell, the easier they are to remember.

OP, to add to the tide you need to pull yourself together and stop arguing her side. What she has done is horrendous and she is already doing a fine job denying, minimising and making you question yourself. Ironically if you want to save your marriage - and rightly or wrongly it sounds as if you do -you have only one option. Tell her to leave your house and quit her job immediately.

If you don't do this she will lose any vestiges of respect she had for you which will make her even more likely to cheat going forwards.

Alright mate, I'm a bloke and I'm going to give you some hard to hear, man to man advice...

I know you must be very hurt and very confused BUT...

Mate - let's get real about who you are dealing with.
A long term affair takes a LOT of lying to pull it off.
That means she has lied to you again and again for god knows how long?

It means a LOT of deception and betrayal.
That means you have been betrayed again and again while she arranged and enjoyed sex with someone else.

It means a LOT of planning and skullduggery and - lets go back to it - a LOT of old fashioned lying.
That means she has planned and schemed and lied and manipulated and tortured and twisted the truth so that she could go off and fuck your mate.

Has she fucked him - c'mon... you know him - so get real...
Real world thinking - it's not Mary Poppins meets the Pope.
It's two adults in a hotel room for hours and hours and hours.

Your wife is a philanderer. She's been having sex with someone else and you have to face that reality. No fun at all but it is what it is.
It's really simple stuff which needs no dressing up - she's been fucking your mate.
SO CHANGE THE LOCKS !

You'll never trust her again AND YOU SHOULDN'T !

You have been betrayed in the ultimate way by someone you thought you were in partnership with AND by someone you considered a friend. Get rid of her and say good riddance to bad rubbish. No brainer.
NOT easy - but required.

Change the locks, get a lawyer, give her the full cold shoulder and get on with your life looking forward to meeting someone lovely in six months.

We're all damaged - we're all looking for truth and honesty.
Don't saddle yourself with this pain and this nonsense as if it's yours - it's not - it's her problem, her trouble and her undoing.

Don't be weird about the kids - they didn't betray you - but don't let her back in the building and don't let her worm her way back into your life so she can do this to you again (which she will).

You've suffered here and no doubt about it. It hurts to be betrayed and there is no cure. But don't go back to the abuser and ask for more - don't say "oh ho hum" and imagine you will save your marriage - you won't. You will only tell someone who is devious and sly that that they got away with it and suffered no consequence. Guess what will happen next ?

As for him, it's your call. I'd smack him but you might want to say - "she's your problem now" as you walk away with your head held high.

Good luck mate and I'm here if you want to PM me and talk about stuff...

What he said ^^.

I don't think you are allowed to change the locks if the other person is on the deeds.

But I very much liked this line from Monty: "Don't saddle yourself with this pain and this nonsense as if it's yours - it's not - it's her problem, her trouble and her undoing."

Spot on mini Monty!

You need to work out what her needs are. You are not meeting them right now.

Now this I call dangerous thinking. There is the road to self blame, and the blame is not yours. It is very possible you were meeting all her "needs" but she simply "wanted" to shag her boss. It's a fallacy that all affairs are caused by someone not getting their needs met in a relationship and a very convenient excuse to let the betrayer off the hook and get the betrayed jumping through all sorts of desperate hoops to "keep" their partner, only for them to get shat on again because the consequences are never faced by the true person who deserves them.

Also, I find the lies that people tell to mitigate against something else can be very revealing. She says she threw her phone in the river because she told him she loved him. To some people that is worse than an exchange of bodily fluids and I am not sure why she thinks that is a better option. That says a lot about this woman.

That is a really kind post perfectstorm - I agree completely.

minty that's good advice as well, but I agree with balloon in that I don't think you can change the locks. However I would definitely be insisting that she goes away for a bit so you can have so,me distance and think, without the distraction of her self pitying tears which will make you feel sorry for her. You need to think about YOURSELF and how you're feeling, not her.

This happened in my family. My sister had an affair with a co-worker six weeks after her first wedding. There was evidence it was going on pre-wedding but she denied it and did a good job on the future DH. She didn't have as much background with her DH (DCs etc though) Undeniable evidence came out at the 6w mark. The marriage limped along and ended at the two year anniversary. Her DH just could not get past the brazen-ness of her taking the vows with him in the church, the lies, etc. It was the fact that the vows meant nothing to her that was the kicker. I know her of old and she has done worse than this and I am now NC with her but he could not get past it, and he genuinely wanted to - desperately. She's re-married but not happy and I would bet my bra strap she is at it all over again but thankfully I no longer have to deal with her crap! : (

So a chance to sleep and think about things.

So...today she is off to her parents to think about things, my parents are coming to help with the kids.

I'm not going to kick her out or change the locks. If we can't fix this the kids won't become a pawn. I work the long hours so she needs to raise the kids and they should stay in the family home.

I can't be bothered to pursue the did they / didn't they have sex. The fact is she married me with him in the room, an expensive wedding where she had everything she wanted and I spent my life savings to give it to her.

I feel like such a mug!

Glad you're OK OP. All of us who have been in your situation felt like mugs at the time. That's what happens when someone betrays your trust and throws your love and affection back in your face. Glad she's taking some time to think about things. Do your parents know what's happened?

Yeah both parents know...a few people know, I looked for revenge against him so I emailed the email he sent to my wife of his cock to the entire football team we played for, probably a bad idea but it felt good.

What is OP by the way?

Upset husband - you sound like a lovely man and deserve better than this.

Just to reiterate the other posters, she has lied and cheated with her boss, and now is betraying the trust you have together by blaming it on you. Disgusting behaviour.
Have a look at controlling relationships on the Internet, specifically woman to man. My speciality is man/woman DA but I know enough to recognise some red flags with your wife- threatening to overdose, sidestepping blame, then twisting it around saying the other person caused it through their job/behaviour/ whatever. I can send you some links through PM if you would like.

Concern yourself with the practical, if she is ok betraying your vows, then she maybe ok with doing you over financially. Gather together any important documents - mortgage papers, bank stuff etc. And see a solicitor to discuss where you stand if you do split with the kids/house/finances. Knowledge is power, and makes you more in control. This is worth doing even if you do not intend splitting up.

Upset husband - that is probably the best thing I've heard on MN!!

OP is opening poster - you in this instance.

Upsethusband was it a bad idea? I don't know. But maybe it will make him think twice before he sends photos of his dick to other men's wives...

OP means Original Poster. It's just a short cut for them what started the thread.

Take care of yourself today.