My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

I agree with perfectstorm's post.

Actually sometimes the cheating spouse is really happy and content, but life is a little samey and after being together a long time the physical relationship is a little tired and predictable. Then along comes a shiny new person who makes your insides jump and life is suddenly a bit more exciting and unpredictable. You feel sexy and desirable, away from the family all those responsibilities fade and you feel youthful again.

Obviously at this point we should all smack a wet fish round our chops and come up for air spluttering. Acutely aware if what we could lose if we inch one step further towards the forbidden fruit. But the line is invisible and can be crossed at a moments notice and before you know it you could be in the midst of an EA. To my mind it's not so much what went before, although the sordid details may have to come out to aid the healing process, it's more what happens now and whether the OP and his wife can become a team again.

I haven't ever been in this position but I have seen some things from the inside that may be helpful to you.

I have written on here before about how I had an affair for some years with my married teacher from the age of 16. He had been cheating on his wife on and off for years before he started on me- including with a mutual friend who was a bridesmaid at their wedding.

Now he did a lot of really bad things and I was probably the worst of it but I never could get my head around the kind of arsehole who would shag someone behind their partners back and then have them at their wedding. The idea of that seems more heartless than a lot of the other "worse" stuff he went on to do. The idea of his wife resplendent in her big, expensive frock pledging her life to him whilst he and the bridesmaid gave each other conspiring little looks over the aisle is really.... tacky.

Oh and for what it's worth when he got found out by his wife he also did the drip feeding "we just kissed...." ...... "it was just foreplay...." ..... "it was just the one time..." bollocks before finally having to tell her that oh, actually it was a fully sexual affair that went on for five years.

Please, please do not spend you life with someone like that. My teacher did it again and had done it before and his wife is still there, in the dark about it all (or so I have heard). But the problem is she knows what he's like now and no one has any sympathy for her: her friends abandoned her and her parents and brother said they couldn't continue to support her if she was going back to someone like that. I personally find that a bit harsh but can see the point they're making. Don't be a doormat.

I think you need to enter relate wanting to explore your relationship including the affair.

I agree with Mad's middle paragraph. While it does take an enormous amount of work by both partners to create and maintain their new marriage, it only takes 1 to break their 'old' marriage. Please hang back from accepting responsibility for your DW's choices OP. It won't do her or you any good.

I absolutely understand the temptation to accept some of 'the blame' though - even when the cheating partner isn't handing you any. For me, if Iwas at fault, I could put it right. If I wasn'r at fault, then I was powerless to put it right. So it was more scary.

It's very early days for you though. Not even a week? Still in shock and almost disbelief?

And not enter relate wanting to explore only her affair.

I agree Library. Really thorough relationship therapy will look at the relationship, what led to the affair and by extension look at each partner as an individual and together. I have heard that Relate isn't always as thorough.

This article might be helpful to you OP. I also found this website very useful following discovery of my DH's affair when my need to understand what had happened to him, me and our life was at its greatest.

A couple of things I would recommend, please do got and get some legal advice (you do not have to act on it but it gives you a sense of some control when everything seems out of control) and also do not make any life changing decisions whilst in the initial stages of shock, 3 months is the recommended time frame.

My DH initially moved back in with his parents (he actually lived with OW for six weeks) and in that time we went to Relate (ended up going for about 6 months and luckily had a no nonsense counsellor who took no prisoners ). We also took the time apart to date again, rebuild the relationship etc. I also worked on myself and lack of boundaries, my people pleasing issues etc.

You have to do what you want. As for your wife, look at her actions not what she says. Ideally a new job would be the first thing and complete no contact with OM - after all what price is a marriage worth?

Good luck - any path chosen will be difficult to walk in these circumstances. BTW my DH's affair happened nearly 5 yrs ago now and I can honestly say our marriage is better than ever now, it is just sad that it took an affair to bring that about.

@countingto10

How did you handle the kids?

Good to have you onboard becos I think your experience can be useful to OP. At least someone who does not believe in conspiracy theory!

"I doubt I'll ever know the full truth"

If you never know the full truth about this, you have no hope of saving your marriage.

If she won't even be honest with you, then you are basically on a hiding to nothing.

The problem with going for relationship counselling, particularly so soon after she did this to you, is that it is about fixing your relationship.

But the problem is with HER. You didn't have an affair with a friend and bring them to your wedding. She did that. So what is the purpose of you sitting in a room trying to fix a problem you didn't cause and didn't even know about?

Why doesn't she go for counselling on her own? To work on her own issues?

Relationship counselling might be useful later, if you are at the point of figuring out what kind of future you have (either together or apart).

But for now, I think it's too early to ask that of you.

If it was something you asked for that would be one thing. But I think it's interesting, and slightly problematic, that her first instinct was to ask something of you rather than do something herself.

The fact that she fancies a bit of relationship counselling in the middle of this crisis suggests to me that she is looking for excuses and looking for somebody else to help convince you that you need to take part of the blame for what she has done.

OP - you said Still we made a commitment to be a team, for better for worse, to figure these things out together Um, I don't think she did. She was (probably) sleeping with your mate before and after your vows.

What Counting said re legals and looking at her behaviour, not words. IMO there is still a good possibility you are being bamboozled.

Also keep your eyes open during counselling, and if it starts to be all about your failings, time for a sharp exit.

"But just say everything she has revealed now is true, it was just kissing, pictures and fantasy, does it make a difference? "

Kissing is a very intimate act. The emotions involved/awakened can be quite intoxicating. She did not stop at that first kiss thinking "oh, this is not right". She continued. She let herself take her focus away from her relationship, she moved her emotions over from you to him.

Many women cant separate love and sex, and many women cant love more than one person. Not saying your wife is like that, and I dont want to generalize.

To be quite personal, if I liked somebody a lot, and they kissed me, I am not sure I would be able to stop myself from letting it continue. (Which is why as a married woman I would not put myself in a position where I kissed another man in the first place). Even a celebrity crush can be quite intoxicating, never mind a crush on a real life person who is wooing you (for lack of a better word).

Based on myself, I therefore cannot believe that it has not progressed beyond a kiss, when it has been going on for so long.

Counselling will only help if you are both BRUTALLY and TOTALLY HONEST. And prepared to deal with what you may hear.

I truly wish you all the best.

Quint is right. Kissing is an extremely intimate act. More so than sex for some people.

FWIW I think they have had sex but your DW thinks that it would be the unforgiveable thing for you so she'll cling onto the lie until she realises that only the truth will save her marriage. She needs to realise that the marriage can survive the infidelity itself, but it can't survive continued lying.

Also an affair is an affair regardless of whether there were genitals involved.

join I'm not sure you're right.

I would be concerned that if DW set about counselling on her own she would get very attuned to counselling 'speak' and how the process works. It could allow her to get pretty slick and OP has even less chance of getting any truth on the situation as she would have worked things through on her own and brought him the slimmed down, edited version.

Personally I would rather have it raw and unabridged. Let them both sit down and start the process together unguarded.

OP has already said that it is not about whether they had sex in his mind. She has been unfaithful mentally and to some extent, physically. How will he really know unless someone fesses up to him?

Wandering down the sex or no sex path only has madness at the end. Torturous.

My personal opinion is cock shots tend to be a prelude to sex, ie look what you have in store for you!!!!! If the cock shots were relatively recent I would suggest they were gearing up for it.

Well I'm not sure I'm right either.

If she's at all genuine in her desire to get this sorted out, it won't be a problem if she learns the language of counselling.

I mean, maybe she is a psychopath who would use that knowledge to her advantage later, but it's more likely that she's not but that she's reaching for the first thing that comes to mind during a relationship crisis.

"Oh, let's go to counselling, that will fix everything."

But it won't necessarily.

The advice on here from people who've done counselling immediately post-discovery is that it's too early and it's not helpful at that point.

I still think you should get an sti test, OP, purely because you cannot know for sure that they didn't have sex.

I'm not asking for an STI test at the moment if ever. I think it is a very destructive question and is not relevant to me as we're not sleeping together.

Unless you haven't slept with her since your wedding, then it is relevant.

Why is looking after your own health a "destructive question"?

I agree with Fellows, you could have picked something up, dont be a fool in thinking its not relevant, its very relevant.

You don't have to ask your wife to get an STI test for yourself

I also think you should make it a condition of going to counselling with her/having any dialogue at all that she get one too. Nothing like giving your sexual history to a stranger and baring your privates to focus the mind.

Actually, going off her history, I would say that unless you haven't slept with her since you met then it is an essential.

" is not relevant to me as we're not sleeping together."

It is though, if you have been sleeping together at any time between the wedding and now though, so at least get one for yourself.

Two questions for you;
If you made a go of it, could you resist the temptation to bring this affair up every time you had a row?
Do you think that she would lose any respect she ever had for you if you forgive her for treating you like this?