My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

A good counsellor won't accept excuses. It's not meant to be a comfortable process, just a supported one, if that makes any sense? And at least you'll have some answers, if it's constructive. If it's not... well, you won't have lost anything, I guess?

It might also be worth having some individual counselling, so you can work through how you feel about all of this. It's so hard to do that, in my experience anyway, when something hugely life-altering happens.

x-post, iFad. :)

haha, sorry did I typo.

I don't think she is doing well, she is very upset, I don't think they are all crocodile tears, I think the reality of the situation is kicking in.

Kids are fine, and I am not making the decision of the kids. It could be worse for the kids for us to stay together unhappy. Also we're good enough and loving enough parents to make sure they come through it as best possible.

Bryant I have agreed with some of your posts but you do seem out to cause trouble with particular posters and I don't think this is the thread to do it on. If you respected the OP as much as you said you did, you would restrain yourself. It's not that difficult to do.

Librarybook we are in the middle of a recession with people losing their jobs and taking what they can, often working more hours just to make ends meet. Certainly that is what is happening to us. Dh works hard to pull money in and I have to juggle 3 jobs around the kids. We hardly spend much time together but are busy just keeping our heads above water. It's not ideal and trust me, we have both looked for other jobs. Neither of us are stupid enough to think that an affair is the answer though.

I wonder if the OP was a woman, whether they would be subjected to this much interrogation and certain amount of blaming?

Let's respect the OPs wishes and not start infighting again. It's disrespectful when you can take it to PMs.

Any idea which counselling service you are planning to use?

upsethusband be careful she isn't just upset because she has realised that actually she meant nothing more than a fling to lover-boy. Now she risks losing both her lover and you. I can imagine she would be crying real tears, yes.

You need to decide what you want too. If you feel you can't trust her again (and why would you?) then you might be better off going your separate ways as amicably as you can.

Lots of people have suggested counselling. I hope you do look into it.

I wonder if the OP was a woman, whether they would be subjected to this much interrogation and certain amount of blaming?

I've never, ever, in all my time on MN seen a thread where the victim of an affair is asked so often what they may have contributed to it. In fact I've never seen an affair when anyone has asked that at all before (they may exist, but I've never seen one), and when the OP worries about it, they are usually promptly reassured and references to the cheater's script made. It seems really unfair actually. This is the OP's support thread, and all other MN threads on infidelity are just that - unanimously supportive. Not sure why this one is so very different unless, as Rhubarb says, it's down to gender.

We're going to Relate

upsethusband that is such a good start. I am actually quite relieved for you as I've been worried about some of the advice on here. I'm sure Relate will help you both to determine your future either together or not.

Yes perfectstorm it does seem rather telling does it not? That's why I warned the OP about posters using this thread for their own means.

I can believe she's really upset, actually, and not just over the OM. I would imagine she's been living in a bit of a bubble and the whole thing just crashed down in a very humiliating and shameful and reality-checking way. She's created a monumental mess.

I do think counselling would help work out if she's sorry she messed up and wants to work her backside off to sort it, or just very, very sorry for herself and that she's been caught. But nobody could blame you in the slightest if you were to reach the point that you honestly didn't care which. In this situation, all you owe anyone IMO is to be a decent co-parent.

If I were the wronged party I would very keen to hear just what thought processes lead to my partner cheating. Even if it ended up being no more than a learning curve for the future.

Sometimes it can flag a pattern of behaviour. Let's say OP unwittingly has to ability to systematically crush his partners self esteem over time through cutting words and arguments (honestly this is hypothetical). Through the course of Relate counselling he sees that a pattern of behaviour developed through the relationship and solely things deteriorated but the crumble was so slow it was almost intangible.

With this information the OP could go into future relationships making sure he didn't repeat the same mistakes. So to my mind it's not about proportioning blame, but listening (assuming other party decides to be honest) and really hearing what is said and then choosing to take it onboard or dismiss is out of hand.

upsethusband

My next step if I were to be in your shoes, will be

-Filling the void, let her tell me again when it started, why etc. Just to fill the voids. Sex or no sex is not relevant
-Let her know how the situation will be if I were to take her back. If she can be able to cope with till I can trust her again.
-stop working for her boss.
-minimal secrets, acess to emails, telefon bills, handy messages
-Ask her why she still wants to be in the relationship
-Try to be fair when dealing with her. Being the victim can also be very stressful.

And counselling of course

sebsmummy1 this is one of the reasons I want to go, whilst I know I am not to blame there are definitely things about my character which are contributing factors to her state of mind and thus decision making. I need to understand what these are so I learn and don't make mistake.

Bryant247 I completely agree - this is a very very stressful situation for her and I take no pleasure in it. She is very distressed and the easy thing is to say it is all because she got caught etc...

I agree, Sebs, and that's what good counselling is for. What I don't agree with is posters on a support thread constantly asking such questions of the poster, when as far as I know none are qualified counsellors, and this isn't the place for it if they are.

It's also worth mentioning that a lot of affairs happen because people get too close and the new and exciting seems shinier than the mundane and everyday - which, to an extent, all marriages with small children will be. I don't think the traditional narrative - that there is something deeply and fundamentally wrong with the marriage, or people wouldn't stray - is universally correct at all. It would be as accurate to say that affairs happen because the cheaters are seasoned players and will cheat constantly whoever they're with, which is also possible, but from my observation not the norm. I think the norm is people assuming an affair could never happen to them because only bad people have them, and then wow! don't they get along well with this person, don't they make them feel alive... and then before they know it they've crossed one line... and then another... and suddenly the Rubicon is passed. Which is a situation without villains, just fuck-ups. And that tends to be the norm, in my exposure to human behaviour.

Nobody here is in a position to know which of those scenarios, if any, are applicable, and I just don't get why people think interrogating someone in a vulnerable position, when they lack the qualifications or experience to be sure that needling isn't destructive, is a good idea. And I have never seen it done to a woman in his shoes on Mumsnet, either. Not once.

Perfectstorm - I think you are incorrect. Infidelity is a shitty thing, if you've both agreed to be monogamous, but it is relatively common and lots and lots of couples do recover from it. It's my belief that it does signal something missing from the main relationship. It can in some cases mean one of the parties isn't truly committed to the relationship (and seeks to exit) and isn't just looking to fill a gap that the main relationship no longer fulfils.

If one spouse changes and no longer wants to have sex/go out/talk about hopes and dreams/build their own house/share the responsibility of raising children/share a political ideology etc, the other spouse shouldn't be too surprised if their spouse goes elsewhere to fill what can become a gap in the relationship. I'm not saying that's what's happened here, but it is sometimes what happens.

I have heard varying opinions about Relate's services but they're good start.

In your earlier post, you said that you felt you were off to find excuses. Hopefully, during the process, you wife will come to the conclusion for herself that that's what they are - excuses. Though initially they might seem like reasons. The real reasons will lie within her own self and have nothing to do with you or the affair. And in the end, she'll see that, if all goes well.

It's early days though. Be kind to yourself.

I am so glad you are going to Relate.

It is true that often when women post they are told to LTB (leave the bastard), which is just as counterproductive for them as it would be advice for you. perfectstorm you must have missed my posts before on other affair threads (different name until recently). A marriage is a big emotional, financial and social commitment and is not to be jettisoned at the first sign of trouble (absent abuse). All marriages will have bad patches and are sometimes better worked through than abandoned. A split family can (and I am not judging those who have left bad marriages) impact very negatively on all involved and there is a lot of weighing up to be done.

It is a good sign that you find your wife beautiful and lovable and appreciate her qualities as a mother. These are all indications that you may be able to get through this as you have something valuable at the core.

I am sure your DW's tears are real and not crocodile tears and I am not with the cynics who say she is only crying because she has been found out. She will also have had a sudden realisation of what she may lose and may be regretting every moment of her affair (she may not, of course). I know many couples who have gone on to have long and happy marriages after this kind of incident. I hope you prove to be one of those. Good luck.

"It's my belief that it does signal something missing from the main relationship."

I don't believe that.

That may be the case here (I doubt it), it may not. Suggesting that it is definitely the case is not fair to the OP.

Gender doesn't have anything to do with giving opinions. I give my opinions based on principles and experiences that I have in life. I'm not that type to go with the flow. I'm never afraid to give my opnion or being the outsider. But what I don't do is insult someone or dissrespect someones opinion.

Let's stop these gender issues if it were a woman and so on.

Library, I've already agreed that can happen, just as some people are systematic players and will cheat, come what may. I've just said that it isn't the only thing that can happen, and people in perfectly happy marriages can also have affairs, because the one thing the happiest of marriages can't offer is novelty, and the huge rush of dopamine of the first throes of love - at least, only in waves, and sporadically, because nobody lives on that high permanently without purchasing it from someone illegally. One of the reasons I think it's really important to emotionally boundary a marriage is that people (who are often firmly convinced they would never stray) can blunder into an emotional intimacy, without twigging the risk of a sexual element until they're already so engrossed that walking away is massively hard. And at that point, they start to romanticise what they're doing, and reframe their marriage in their own minds, in order to justify it. I certainly know people who are very happily married after a grisly first marriage ended in their affair - and it really was grisly. That can happen. Slow rot must, too. But the assumption that there is always something wrong with a marriage if someone cheats is, in my opinion and observations, just plain wrong.

Work on marriage if you want to, dude.

Being one that is affected is a responsibility, and I trust you handle this situation perfectly.

One thing I can say about your is that she is not a lazy person and she will come good no matter what decision you make. Many make her seem like a money grabber and criminal, which I don't think she is. At least she choose to work.

I agree with perfectstorm.

I do hope Relate are helpful, Upsethusband, but I too have heard mixed reports of them, and I suspect it's a bit luck of the draw. Do not let anybody - including a Relate counsellor - lump any responsibility for this onto you just to satisfy their own psychological need for a "it takes two to tango" narrative.

Many, many people seem to seek this narrative; I think it helps them persuade themselves that the world is fair, and terrible things like this are explicable and hence preventable - but they aren't always.