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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife just had an affair

661 replies

Upsethusband · 12/11/2013 14:33

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

OP posts:
GetOrfGetStuffed · 14/11/2013 23:42

Also agree with IFAD about the working hours. Of course it's not ideal to work so hard, god knows I have been there and it causes resentment unless you talk about it. If she felt unhappy and neglected she should have told you, and you could have worked it out. Not fall for the charms of some bloke who showed some interest.

Lazyjaney · 14/11/2013 23:43

"But just say everything she has revealed now is true, it was just kissing, pictures and fantasy, does it make a difference?"

That's a red herring, she's crossed a line.

What's more important is you get to the bottom of whether you are with someone who sees you as Plan B or not. My impression over the last few posts is you are trying very hard to believe she is really-nice-but-led-astray-by-Mr-Player.

While it's very worthy to hope for the best, I'm afraid there is enough circumstantial evidence to prepare for the worst.

IMO it's better to get your legal etc advice sorted sooner than later, hard though it may be to want to do that. You lose nothing by doing so, but may lose a lot by not doing so.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 15/11/2013 07:52

Thanks iFad, nice on you to say.

Wow what a rollercoaster this is.

OP posts:
worsestershiresauce · 15/11/2013 07:58

OP there is a lot of theorising going on here, but what jumps out at me is you have only known about this since last Saturday. That soon after discovery as I was still at the stage where I blamed myself and would have done literally anything to keep my DH.

Your emotions will move on with time, and you will be able to see that regardless of what you did, or said, her affair is not your fault. You might not feel that way now, but you will with time.

I'm with DH now, but it took an initial separation, my filing for divorce, many many conversations, and a complete change in him for me to get to the stage where starting again became the right decision.

For your own sanity I would ask her to move out to give you head space, and get some legal advice on your rights and obligations should you split. Many people on here advocate non communication, I don't, what saved my marriage was talking, reconnecting, and realising just how wrong we as a couple had gone.

I wish you luck. I also wish you a clear head and a strong will.

HogFucker · 15/11/2013 08:32

Agree long hours no excuse to have an affair. My DH has been away a lot in the last decade - it can be an excuse to sometimes feel resentful that they are not, through no fault of their own, around more, but not to have an affair.

LibraryBook · 15/11/2013 08:46

We have a choice as to which jobs we take and what hours we work. It's not something that's imposed on you.

I'm wondering if the fact that the OP was only married when his eldest child was well into primary school is significant. Why did you wait so long? Was it because you didn't ask her to marry you or because you or she didn't want the commitment of marriage. Sometimes the damage in a relationship is historic but children and wider familiy keep us together, to hobble along, feeling aggrieved and wounded.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/11/2013 08:59

Librarybook not only is that post full of wild assumptions which go against everything that the op has said about his relationship, it also implies that the op is somehow to blame for the affair by not proposing soon enough.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/11/2013 09:00

And not everybody has a choice what hours they work, or what job they take if they are providing for their family. How naive.

Bryant247 · 15/11/2013 09:22

@BitOutOfPractice

you seem to attack anyone that has a different opinion as you. I don't in what world you live but you have to learn to be accomodating. It's pissing me off really. Calling ppl naive just becos they offered their like you.

Bryant247 · 15/11/2013 09:23

@BitOutOfPractice

you seem to attack anyone that has a different opinion as you. I don't know in what world you live but you have to learn to be accomodating. It's pissing me off really. Calling ppl naive just becos they have a different opinion

perfectstorm · 15/11/2013 09:29

Completely agree with BitOut.

perfectstorm · 15/11/2013 09:30

Bryant, coming from you that's unintentionally hilarious.

Bryant247 · 15/11/2013 09:33

@perfectstorm

Insulting someone is not giving an opinion or arguement. This attitude has to change really!

perfectstorm · 15/11/2013 09:48

Bryant, perhaps you should look to your own postings and then reflect on why you're the one constantly in dispute with pretty much everyone here?

Bryant247 · 15/11/2013 09:52

perfectstorm

Becos I don't think the way you do, doesn't make my posting wrong or right. There are a million different opinions on this subject. That's why its called a forum!!! Pulling thoughts together.

perfectstorm · 15/11/2013 09:55

Many, many people manage to express different views without upsetting and/or angering almost everyone they encounter. If you aren't achieving that, then I would suggest you actually look to your own contributions and behaviour to others and reflect on why that is.

I am now going to go back to completely ignoring you, as I've done throughout the thread before now, because anything else is not going to help the OP, and this thread is about him, not you.

Bryant247 · 15/11/2013 09:57

perfectstorm

I don't know what your agenda is on being here, maybe to pass away time. You know better.

I'm just here to assist OP to reach a fair and balanced decision, taking into consideration all that might have before this unfateful situation!

Bryant247 · 15/11/2013 09:58

perfectstorm

you jumped into this. Never talked to you, rather to "BitOutOfPractice"

Original poster
Upsethusband · 15/11/2013 10:15

Please no arguing or name calling, everyone is entitled to an opinion and everyone should respect it, we're all made differently and we all have different opinions. Nobody is right, nobody is wrong, there is no right answer and there is no wrong answer.

Sorry if that sounds all hippy but I don't really enjoy people attacking each other.

LibraryBook so we've been together 11 years and we have a child who is 10 in April - from this you can probably guess the first child wasn't planned and the early days were difficult but we got through them and we had another child 6 years later.

I asked her to marry me when she was pregnant with our 3 year old - it just took 4 years to get around to actually pulling the wedding together. And yes it was me holding it up, I was still in my 20's, my friends didn't have kids and I had a 5 year old.

There is no doubt lots of history, lots of good times, bad times and pain. Still we made a commitment to be a team, for better for worse, to figure these things out together but she chose to figure it out with someone else. Whether it was emotional or physical it was outside of the marriage and with a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upsethusband · 15/11/2013 10:17

Sorry it was me holding up asking her to marry me, not me holding up the wedding.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 15/11/2013 10:27

This is starting to feel like a court case. I think the only thing missing now is the other side of the story from the wife's perspective.

We've heard the prosecutions case, then the defence (these are now in tense negotiations in front of the judge). We've had the main witness take centre stage but I am sure there is mitigation if the whole story was to be heard.

I still think if there is love there is a way, but counselling would be the obvious route to find out why the affair took place.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 15/11/2013 10:29

I've agreed to do counselling and definitely want to avoid court - hopefully that can be the case as it will just cause more pain.

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 15/11/2013 10:35

Has she agreed to counselling?

Original poster
Upsethusband · 15/11/2013 10:37

She suggested it - feels like we are off to find excuses

OP posts:
Bryant247 · 15/11/2013 10:37

Upsethusband

how are you, your wife and your kids doing?

You have not mentioned what effort (if any) your wife is making to get back to you. Are there common grounds for counselling?