My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

I hope you're OK op - your last few posts are odd!

I don't think anyone has said she's a slag OP. We have said she's a liar and a cheat yet you seem to portray her as some kind of victim, swept along on a tide and not responsible for her actions or able to face the consequences.

I can tell you that to conduct an affair for the length of time she has, you have to be pretty calculating and sly. Not some poor defenceless maiden. Sorry but I cannot understand your reactions - possibly because they weren't mine I suppose and we are all different. Don't you feel angry at all?

I'm worried that she's worming her way out of this. spinning you a yarn that she was just a bit naiave and he did all the running. But you have seen the emails where they plot to deceive you next month. I want to tell you to wake up and smell the coffee a bit!

Can I add my agreement to everything Fairenuff said?

Cock pictures really do not usually form part of an emotional affair.

Not on his side no. But she texted him to say she loved him Mist

Indeed she did. For many women love and sex go together (not always, I might add). She might love him, but she has also had sex with him.

Nor does kissing, groping and hotel rooms.

I'm sorry op, your argument that he was the instigator and it wasn't a physical thing just don't add up...I worry that when these beliefs are shattered you will be in shock all over again...

bitoutofpractise you cant tell OP to wake up and smell the coffee. i said exactly this upthread and got slated for it

"I hope you're OK op - your last few posts are odd!"

I said the same this morning, the last few OP posts seem almost like the DW is reading them ( or even writing them!)

My impression is the OP is desperate to believe in DWs innate goodness as a way out of this, when in fact there is a good possibility that is not at all the case, and he could be being outmanoeuvred as we speak.

And this was not a mainly "emotional affair", sorry, all the evidence points to something far more basic.

The reason we keep banging on about it, is because it will be near impossible to recover from unless he has the truth.
So far, she's been v economical with the truth.

• she said the photos were sent by a mistake- she lied.
• she said it finished before the wedding - she lied.
• she said it was just kissing...she threw her phone in the river.

How can he deal with this when she is refusing to let him no what he is dealing with? It seems cruel to me and I think op needs to be aware of this.

He posted here- he's going to get a variety of views. I'm sure he can sift through them and take away from them what he needs.

"You know what, it doesn't matter what form the affair took or how the OP sounds"

I disagree, it matters hugely if you are basing your future life plans on a view that is possibly false.

I've seen so many heartbroken wives post here, with their husbands justifying affairs by complaining that the daily grind of work, young kids and money worries is boring and nobody ever thinks of their needs. Often to a wife with kids still waking through the night. I have a lot of sympathy with men and women who find these early years hard - my own husband does. So you know what he does? He talks to me. He arranges to see friends. He focuses on the reality that sometimes in life, in order to get what you want, things can be boring along the way, and that life is not all sparkly and exciting and delightful all the time. In fact, we're lucky we have it as good as we do.

The realities of adult life and adult responsibility don't justify affairs. That's adolescent entitlement. I've seen that said over and over again to women about straying spouses, and I'm afraid sauce for geese is equally palatable with ganders.

OP you do, as has been said, show immense dignity and fairness. I hope that your wife appreciates what she has jeopardised. As someone very happily married, your thought processes sound like my own husband's. And she is crazy to risk that sort of decency and genuine friendship and solid commitment to the wellbeing of her and your shared children for a deceitful, hurtful, emotionally feckless player. I don't know what you'll want from the future, and I suspect it's too soon for you to know that either, but I do very firmly believe you will be just fine, whatever transpires.

I think, once again, that people need to remember the OP only found out this weekend. He is very likely not yet connecting emotionally with the realities of all that has just changed. And I don't see any purpose or benefit in forcing him to, especially not at this painfully early stage. I do think he needs a chat with a solicitor just to work out where he stands - no commitment whatsoever to any particular future path, just information. But other than that, there's no rush. She's left the house to give him some thinking time, and nothing major is going on that requires him to act at once - there's no joint account clearing, or house sold from under him because it's in her sole name, or children removed permanently. There's no very time-constrained situation here; nothing to be risked or gained by speed. So how about people allow him to process all that has happened at a rate he can deal with?

Okay sorry if I sound odd at times. Never been in this position before and every day is different. Some days angry, some upset and some practical.

I doubt I'll ever know the full truth and on paper I am sure it sounds terrible.

But just say everything she has revealed now is true, it was just kissing, pictures and fantasy, does it make a difference? I mean is there a line which you can't cross? I feel like that line has been crossed with or without sex.

Oh I do hope I'm not trying to force him into feeling anything perfect storm and I'm very sorry if that's how I've come across. I also remember all too well and recently just how this feels. And the huge gamut of emotiosn you can go through in the space of 5 minutes, let alone a few days!

I am, TBH a bit concerned at some of the posts here. They just don't read "right" compared to the first post. But that may be because OP is just snatching a second on his phone or whatever to post here.

Whatever I hope the OP is OK and getting though

honeybeeridiculous I await my flaming!

Sorry, X post OP (it took me a long time to type that!)

I don't want to tell you how to feel. Just hope you're OK and not being crushed under this

Yes. They have most definitely crossed many many lines!

Op, you haven't said anything about how she is reacting to all this. What is she saying to you? Do you believe her to be remorseful?

What was the reaction to the photo you sent to the footie team?

I hope it works out for you but from reading your posts, I think you will be ok no matter what the outcome.

I firmly believe that people can recover from affairs and I would be inclined to forgive if I thought she was truly remorseful and I understood the reasons why she did it.

BTW, I know your parents know, but do hers?

I agree with Fairenuff on differentiating btw having an affair and running a relationship. That was spot on. Thanks for those words of wisdom.

OP has everyright to run thru emotions. That's what makes us human beings.

I believe the wife lost a bit of her self-esteem thru all those cuttings in arguements and the family friend being the boss (he is known for it and also handsome) manipulated her. But she has to take full responsibility of her actions.

I don't think OP is trying to defending her, he is only saying the facts, trying to be fair and expressing his opinions.

But it's still early days.

OP: Why don't u arrange to meet the wife of the boss, maybe she will help in filling the voids.

I agreed with perfect storms wise words (again).

It is so new, the OP is probably still dazed by it all. It wouldn't be a good idea to make any decisions in the wake of what he had found out so recently.

upset the line is where you choose it to be. To be honest, I still the think the sex thing is a red herring. The fact is that even if they have not had full sex, they have done heavy foreplay anyway. And more than that they have really given theirselves to each other emotionally. That is the hardest betrayal I think. I think, looking pragmatically, of my DP got plastered one night and slept with someone he had never met before, I might be able to forgive that. But a long standing affair where they are emotionally entwined, in love, and all this going on when you are planning a wedding - that would cross the line for me. But that's me. Only you can know if what she has done is a compete dealbreaker for your relationship.