My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

Upset husband glad you are feeling ok and in a calm place x

We're happy to help upsethusband, you are dealing with the whole situation, including the many faces of Mumnset, with dignity and conviction. She was a fool to turn her back on you. Some people don't realise what they have until it's gone.

I wish you all the very best for the future and I hope you find your happy place soon.

@Upsethusband

we all say nasty things in the heat of the moment. That kills most times the emotion of a woman a little bit. That's why I tend to keep quite in heated arguements and then talk when everyone has piped down.

What I also noticed is that some women don't tend to tell their man exactly how they feel abt issues until it's 2late.

Just try to be fair in your decision. The world is bigger than you actually think.

On a more practical note: If you think you cannot move from this, forgive her and give the marriage another go, then since you have not been married very long maybe you should try annulling the marriage?
It's correct for you to look after your kids, but why should the cheater take all you've worked for so hard.

She can't take everything from me, she can take material things but in the end it doesn't matter. I'll be okay, I'm not that money motivated, I like nice things and a good life and I'll always have that whatever she takes.

However much other people think she is a demon or think she deserves nothing I wouldn't take any pleasure in watching her struggle, even though maybe I should.

I really didn't know what posting on here would achieve but it has helped a lot through these days. The whole thing has taught me a lot about myself too - obviously I am not to blame but I will approach certain things differently in the future.

I

Upsethusband

The whole thing has taught me a lot about myself too - obviously I am not to blame but I will approach certain things differently in the future

That is the most important point for me.

What sorts of cutting things is it that you say to your DW in arguments? Do you think that might have a bearing on her self esteem? It strikes me that often women who have low self esteem are the ones who seek the boost of an affair - of being openly wanted, admired and wooed - even if they don't want to leave their marriage and would really prefer it if it were their DH doing the wanting and wooing. IME this seems especially common as women are coming out of their childbearing years, lifting their heads and looking around wondering what there is in life for them that is enjoyable and frivolous and not all nappies, fishfingers and bedtimes.

I don't think anyone thinks she's a demon op.

The question for me is why did she marry you when she was having an affair with your friend?

I can only imagine that she's very calculating - you say not - or very weak. Both reasons are horrible for you...

You sound v strong tho and it sounds like you've got healthy self esteem and lots of people cheering you on.

To me it kind of sounds like you indulge her like a child rather than seeing her as a grown woman who had full agency in her decision to have this affair.

You blame the guy, you say he manipulated her and was a player, you talk about the whole thing as if she was entirely passive in it.

ProfPlum as much as I admire you for wanting to see the other side of this, I don't think that trying to read things into what the OP has said will achieve much. He doesn't come across as the emotionally abuse type.

Haven't we all looked around us after our childbearing years and questioned our lives? We've not all embarked upon an affair though. It's a conscious decision that she has made. She could have chosen many other ways to express herself. She already had a career, she had friends and she sounded like she had a life outside of the humdrum of nappies and fish fingers as you put it.

She made a decision to have an affair with her boss, and friend of her partner, even before she got married.

I don't think that poor self-esteem is an excuse for lying and cheating. I don't think that anything is really.

Enjoyment takes many forms. I wouldn't find lying to my dh and carrying on an affair behind his back as an enjoyable activity. If anything, that sort of thing is bound to create more stress.

I think I also read that he was married too, with children of his own?

I definitely effected her self esteem - during our biggest arguments I said some bloody awful things. I can't pretend I didn't.

Also I honestly believe this was much more an emotional affair than a physical but crossed the boundaries. From everything I have found the evidence shows this.

Look mate, we all say things that are bloody hurtful and that we don't mean, that is the danger of arguments. However you can't just go off and have an affair after every argument, otherwise dh and I would have had loads!

You had arguments so perhaps that was a sign that things weren't quite right? The big argument, am I right in presuming that was when you were getting suspicious?

If you think that you went over the top with the things that you said to her then do consider this. If she was already having an affair at that point then it hardly makes any difference, but for your own sake, if you react to confrontation by tearing strips out of someone then maybe look at analysing why you feel the need to do this? To get a reaction? To see if they still care what you think about them? Or purely as a way to vent your anger?

But from the sounds of it, you are already considering the changes you need to make to your own attitude. You weren't the one having an affair, no matter what anyone else says to you on here, just remember that.

Some women on Mumsnet are having affairs themselves and may use this thread as a means to justify that.

This is so sad to read. I almost hope y

Upset when my DH was having an affair he he behaved is way that drove me to say things I would never normally say. In short he turned me into someone I wasn't, as a way of justifying to himself that his affair was perfectly reasonable as his wife was a half mad nag who hated him. That's normal, everyone who has an affair does this. It's how I'd know if he did it again. It's how most people find out in the first place.

Rhubarb talks a lot of sense, I agree with her post.

Good to hear that you are sounding a bit more upbeat today. Bear in mind that you will have good days and bad. I think your decision to give it some time is best for you. You can sit back and watch what she does. Actions speak louder than words.

If she continues to see him then I suppose you know that your marriage is over.

Honestly this phone has not been the same since the baby dribbled on it. Apologies ....

What I wanted to say was I almost hope you guys can find some way to be happy again as it sounds there was / is a lot of love there.

Do you think she'd have done anything if it wasn't for this guy? Not that it changes much but it kind of helps if your partner isn't someone always on the look out.

For some reason half my post is illiterate garbage. Apologies. I do have a brain, but it would appear to have taken the day off.

No I don't think it was about getting someone else, I think it was about him and the work situation. That said it could have been another job and another bloke - what I am trying to say is she isn't a slag.

Like Bryant I also don't believe that the wronged party in affairs is usually saintly, it usually takes 2 to tango. And I can see the OP leans to this view too.

But, in this case, with the affair happening before, during and after the marriage, plus little points made like phones in rivers, I think there are grounds for believing his DW may be playing a far more cynical game, and it's worth at least being as prepared for that case as for the former.

Hence I reiterate what I said earlier - I think you are behaving as if your DW is the best person she could be in the aftermath, while not covering yourself if she turns out not to be.

We all say bloody awful things.

I split temporarily with my partner last year. We love each other enormously, but there were a combination of things which upset us both. His business was affected by the recession, I started earning loads more than him, he felt emasculated, I was working stupid hours (leaving the house at 6, getting home at 9pm) in a really good job in London whilst he was just doing odds and sods, and I would waltz in and moan that the housework hadn't been done. We never spent time together and mutually resented one another and both were very unhappy and heartbroken.

We rowed and were spiteful to each other, said things we didn't mean just because we wanted to hurt the other person. It was bloody awful.

But in that time neither of us sought solace in someone else. We knew that that wouodnt be the answer and, difficult as things were, we KNEW that doing something like that would be so destructive and hurtful it would ruin everything. Even in the middle of real misery you CAN make a choice not to cross that line and have an affair with someone, as tempting and as easy it may be.

So I have little sympathy for her. She had a choice, so wasn't coerced, she is a grown woman who took a huge risk and now probably is very sorry and embarrassed she got caught.

People are confusing 'problems in a relationship' with 'having a affair'. If there are problems, the couple talk to each other about them, make compromises, resolve differences, seeking mediation if they need it, independent counselling, couples counselling or perhaps help from their gp if appropriate.

Cheating is not one of the choices. Cheating is an entirely different choice made by one of the couple, deliberately. The person who has been cheated on can never be responsible for that decision. The cheater is always 100% responsible for cheating.

The other party, the cheated on person, is responsible for their role in their relationship with their partner, and that is all. That is where their responsibility ends, so they cannot ever be blamed for their partner cheating. It is not their decision.

Fairenuff said what I wanted to say far more articulately and concisely.

And people who cheat do take a risk. They know what they might lose and they decide that the affair is worth the risk.

GetOrf