My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

Ewww at the penis photo. Nothing like keeping it classy.

Having an affair at the time of your marriage is horrible but actually no more horrible than having an affair after 10 or 20 years marriage. Whatever vows you choose to make to one another are enduring and don't just last for the wedding day. And given you already had children together, the wedding was late in the day in your relationship. Was that because you didn't ask her before then or because she refused you, OP?

I try not to be too dichotomous a thinker when it comes to affairs and relationships. And I certainly would not shun a friend for having an affair. I could personally forgive an affair but there was a time when I don't think I would have been able to. In France it's practically compulsory to have and forgive affairs.

Only a gay man would be interested by a dick photo. Most women find them utterly off-putting. Just shows what a dick he was in sending it (ba boom!)

As for it possibly happening to you Bryant, well that depends what type of person you've married. As I've said, my dh also works long hours but we tend to talk about our problems. An affair isn't something women generally resort to whenever there's a problem in the marriage. In fact it's not as common for a woman to have an affair because by our very nature we tend to be more communicative and open.

If you think that your wife might have an affair if you didn't get the work/life balance right then you need to perhaps re-evaluate your marriage and your attitude towards her. I wonder how she would feel if she knew how you felt about her loyalty to you?

There are women (and men) who have stood by their partners through long periods apart (army, navy and so on), through dehabilitating illness, through extreme poverty and hardship and even through death, so don't taint everyone with the same brush. Yes you do have to work hard at marriage but an affair isn't a common occurence for when things go wrong.

LibraryBook huge generalisation there. Huge. I think many of my French friends would disagree with you.

"Having an affair at the time of your marriage is horrible but actually no more horrible than having an affair after 10 or 20 years marriage."

No, it's way more horrible.

To go through with a wedding while you are actually boffing a mutual friend, to say your vows and not even mean them AT THE TIME YOU ARE SAYING THEM.

That's different from having a lapse in monogamous feelings a decade or two in, when everything is settled and comfortable and life has got in the way.

I think a few people might be making excuses for affairs here. Like I said yesterday, posters can only speak from their own experiences.

"Having an affair at the time of your marriage is horrible but actually no more horrible than having an affair after 10 or 20 years marriage."

I disagree. It is terrible that at the point where you are making promises to share your life with each other, you are shagging someone else, someone who is your husbands friend and who is actually in the room watching you.

Of course, some affairs are worse than others. To me, this ranks pretty bloody highly on the out and out brutal scale.

For many couples, when times are hard, the wedding day is a day you look back on as a reminder of how in love you were. The OP doesn't have that now.

@THERhubarb

If you think that your wife might have an affair if you didn't get the work/life balance right then you need to perhaps re-evaluate your marriage and your attitude towards her. I wonder how she would feel if she knew how you felt about her loyalty to you?

I think you misunderstood the point I was trying to make there. I wanted OP to know that I was kicking when he is down like someone suggested becos it can happen to me. I dont question my wifes loyalty but I do know she is human and humans do make mistakes.

The point I found interesting in your comment is that women dont tend to cheat when there is problem in the marriage. So it is the attitude, if I get you right.

By going through with the marriage it does make me wonder if DW now has more claim financially if they were to divorce?

Missed some keywords from my previous post

I think you misunderstood the point I was trying to make there. I wanted OP to know that I was not kicking him when he is down like someone suggested, becos it can happen to me. I dont question my wifes loyalty but I do know she is human and humans do make mistakes

The point I found interesting in your comment is that women dont tend to cheat when there is problem in the marriage. So it is the attitude, if I get you right.

Bryant - I didn't say women don't "tend" to cheat, but statistically it is men who hold that title. I suggested this may be down to the fact that we can be more emotional and open with our feelings. Women's affairs, I would say, are more dangerous than men's affairs because women tend to have invested more (hence her saying that she loved her boss). Have you ever noted that it's usually the women who are convinced that he will leave his wife for her and not the other way around?

I suppose an affair can happen to anyone but personally I would blame the person who lied and cheated rather than the partner who worked hard and stayed loyal. I don't think there is any excuse for such deceit. If you no longer love your partner then you owe it to them to tell them, not to humilate them by holding onto them for convenience whilst you get your jollies with someone else.

I'm one of those who wouldn't forgive an affair, in case you haven't noticed . For me it wouldn't be so much about the sex they had but the feelings and emotions caught up in it all, as well as the sheer disrespect shown.

Bryant, with respect, you miss words, letters and punctuation all over the shop.

With respect and repeating what I and others said earlier, sometimes it is better not to engage with some posters as all it does is derail a thread and provide little of use to the OP.

@Vivacia

you are right but men are not gifted like women who can do many things at the same time.

Irrespective of what happened, I think we shld still respect her wife. That's what I was taught by my mum, haha. The "victim" is also someone's sister and some kid's mum.

Bryant I got deleted yesterday when I spoke to you about this and no doubt will again. But please, this thread, where the op needs good strong practical and emotional support is not the place for you to beat your personal drums or have some esoteric debate about the propensity of women to cheat v men. Really it isn't. If you want to do that, start your own thread.

@BitOutOfPractice

Thanks for your understanding and tolerance

Bryant247 don't worry, I don't really think there is anything someone I don't know on a message board can say to bother me. I am dealing with the last week quite well, silly posts are minor in the grand scheme of things.

I work hard but I don't neglect - I get home at a decent time, help with the kids, homework when I can but naturally she did more of that. Naturally I did more of the financial side. I thought it was a team effort.

She also didn't mind me working long hours as she knew our kids education was important and we like to have nice things in life.

I don't think work made that much difference, I expect it probably is the things I would say in a argument, I can be pretty cutting. But so could she. This is what makes it all so difficult to understand, life was pretty good.

I think Bryant makes some fair points and is no more controversial than some women posters I've debated with. Not on this thread anyway, I'm not on several threads at once and have no idea of his 'history' if he has one but I see no reason not to engage with him.

It's ok to remind us that his wife, who posters are calling a nasty piece of work, is also the mother of his children and someone's daughter. Sometimes we can dehumanise people in order to knock them and that's not always fair.

But Bryant, sarcastic comments about women are not conducive to the thread so please stick to giving advice to the OP. When someone's life has just fallen apart and they are asking for help, it's hardly the time to indulge in a little goading is it?

My point that I made earlier is that when a woman has an affair, at the risk of generalising, they 'tend' to invest more emotionally in that affair whereas men 'tend' to indulge in more lustful affairs. That's why a woman usually falls for the patter that he'll leave his wife for her, etc etc. I think that makes a huge difference in this case because she's already said that she was in love with her lover.

"life was pretty good."

It often is.

That's why people are saying that it's all on her.

SHE made the decision to cheat on you for her own reasons.

It was something she WANTED to do.

From the sounds of things this guy is a bit of a bad boy and a bit of a player and your wife found him more exciting and sexier than you.

I suspect she flattered herself that she'd finally be the one he left his wife for, but carried on with your wedding plans as a Plan B, until he was ready.

But the deficiency in your relationship was with HER. It was with the fact that she was able to make the decision to cheat on you and lie to you because that's what she wanted to do.

Could it be that although nothing was wrong in your marriage, she simply enjoyed getting the attention from another man?
Is she very pretty? Because if she is NOT, and she is not used to getting lots of attention, then suddenly getting it could be rather flattering.

I think she loved the attention and possibly because he is a good looking guy and a player it made her feel good.

And yes she is pretty, not just because I am saying it but she is absolutely stunning. Don't get the wrong impression of her though, it might seem like I am describing her as a WAG - far from it, she doesn't ever see how pretty she is but I always get the comment "you've done well lad" ;)

upsethusband stop beating yourself up so much, by the sounds of it there was nothing you could have said or done any differently. She was emotionally involved with him before she married you and I think she just wanted both of you personally. You to provide the stability and to be a father for her children and him to provide the excitement.

I am sure there have been lots of times when you have supported her, when you have sacrificed things for her sake and you did all of that willingly because you loved her. It seems a shame she couldn't do the same for you.

Don't let this experience turn you bitter. You can get through this but the fact that you are on Mumsnet all the time seems to me that you are thinking about this and going through this way too much. Switch off the pc, distract yourself and so something completely different. You can't clear your head whilst you are constantly reviewing every little detail.

Bryant. It's a pleasure. And thanks for the passive aggressive bullshit.

OP I'm struggling to see why you are defending her so vehemently and praising her up. Are you feeling defeated by it all? Don't be bamboozled by her pity party.

I'm not defending her, I'm just trying to understand without jumping to the most negative possible reason. I'm not in a bad place though, I'm starting to feel good, like I have clarity on many of the possible reasons it has happened.

Shit happens, life moves on, it won't ruin me in any way at all.

I'll be sorted, kids will be fine, her - who knows!!!

It is very therapeutic coming on here.

"like I have clarity on many of the possible reasons it has happened."

It didn't "happen".

This is something SHE did TO YOU.

There was no force of nature here, no inevitability.

This is a series of choices made by one human being, KNOWING how much they would devastate another.