My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

I believe the OP and his wife are having a few days apart to clear heads and reflect on what has happened and what they both want from the future before he goes charging off to the solicitors.

I think he is being very sensible in asking for this time apart (and also this stops the children picking up on stress and atmosphere in the house). The solicitors will still be there if/when he decides that is the route to take once they have had chance to sit and talk.

Some of you seem to be asking questions he probably hasn't even asked himself yet let alone answer them, hence him asking his wife for some space.

Hope you are doing as well as can be expected OP

OP I've PM'd you.

It's in your inbox at the top right of the page next to My Mumsnet tab.

Vivacia

what obligations are you accusing the OP of not fulfilling that would cause a partner to cheat?

NOBODY is accusing OP of anything, for your correction. Let me turn the question on becos I'm not a woman, what would make a woman with such a background cheat on his hubby? Neglect, attention, doing things together or love.

I'm curious to know the state of the relationship before the marriage. Was the marriage meant to steady the ship, or was there already cracks in the relationship.

I think Bryant is just trying to offer an alternative view which might be relevant to some marriages but I don't think it's relevant here. Yes some partners can ignore their wives, leave them to bring up the children and never spend any time with them but upsethusband sounds like a sensitive and caring bloke who worked hard for his family yet still tried to spend time with them. He obviously dotes on his kids and is a very loving husband so I doubt there is anything he could have done to have prevented this from happening.

His wife was seeing this bloke before they got married and then afterwards. I think her heart was involved and possibly she really did love her boss and hoped that he would leave his wife for her.

As I've said before, my dh works 12 hours shifts and we often don't see him until 7pm. By 9pm he's asleep. It's a problem but I'm hardly going to be tempted to have an affair because of it. I love my husband and promised to be with him through the good times and the bad. We've had a chat about his hours and his tiredness and we're trying to resolve it. That's what you are supposed to do in a marriage, not just give up at the first hurdle and find someone else.

This man was always on the scene though by the sounds of it. It's bit like the Princess Diana situation in reverse.

Bryant the OP has said they were together for 11 years and were happy. He picked up on the affair after noticing a change in his wife. So we know that he's sensitive to changes in his wife and actually cares enough to explore the reasons behind those changes.

Her boss was his friend too and they spent a lot of time together, as mates do. His wife was seeing her boss before she got married to the OP and afterwards.

I think that answers a lot of the points you raised?

Hi there,

I do need to take exception with one point:
A couple of my friends have recovered from affairs. One of them even says it was the best thing that ever happened to them as a couple as they were inhabiting a relationship death-zone and something needed to change. A horrid way of making positive changes but still.

This happened as were planning our wedding and after we got married. I thought we were happy, this was meant to be one of the best periods of our life. Yes we argued pre-wedding about the wedding, and we argued after but this was mainly about her drawing away from me and spending all her time with her work colleagues.

What if we had of been in the 'death-zone' - who knows what would have happened.

I agree upsethusband I don't really see how an affair can be the best thing that ever happened to a marriage. All it shows is that the other person is capable of being a deceitful, cheating, selfish shit.

I would hope that my dh would at least give me the option of making positive changes before embarking on such drastic action and of course I would do the same. If someone doesn't even tell you what's wrong and decides to go off shagging someone else then how can you possibly be accused of not trying hard enough?

Oh blimey balloon slayer - awful that you have lived through something similar.

That is so wise what you said about not being too nice, of course you want to be reasonable, but dont be too reasonable to your own detriment.

Upset hsuan I didn't see that post about 'the best thing to have happened'. Of course you can never see it like that, as you say you were planning your wedding whilst she was having the affair. That's not a death zone of a relationship.

I find it quite upsetting that some people on this thread are kicking you when you're down, saying that you were building up your business, didn't have time for your wife, both of you were at fault. I think that is incredibly unfair. You being busy etc is NO excuse for her betraying you with someone else. It is NOT your fault whatsoever. I don't think anyone would say such a thing to you if you were a woman whose husband was having an affair, and you had just had a baby or something and were spending all your time looking after the baby.

Very good point GetOrf, I think a woman would get a very different response.

@GetOrfGetStuffed

I made those comments. These are facts and not like I invented them. Not trying to kick him but I want him in the future not to make the same mistakes. I never said it was his fault whatsoever. In life we make choices and the made a choice to betray him.

Correction: I'm a man though.

Don't worry, I can take it. Everyone is entitled to a view and I know there are things I have done which have contributed but I am no way taking responsibility. She made her decisions and has to live with it.

She knows why I was working hard building the business and enjoyed the lifestyle which came with it and the education it provides our children.

I may seem soft but I am not, just tired, can't be bothered with confrontation.

Well, you didn't come on here for a row upset husband. You don't have to defend yourself or anything. Just take any advice that you want from here.

How are you feeling today? (Stupid question). Have you been able to talk to your parents or something?

Oh you sound so utterly fed up with it all!

I am so very very sorry this has happened to you. You don't deserve it, as you say, she enjoyed the lifestyle you provided and it's not like you weren't attentive. You noticed the changes in her personality and cared enough to investigate.

At the end of the day, she didn't have to go through with the marriage since she was in love with this other man, but she did and that was very cruel of her. She made a public commitment to you, in front of her lover, whilst no doubt her fingers were crossed behind her back. Why on earth did she do that?

Look after yourself. Don't be afraid to lean on friends, that's what they are there for. Take some time out for yourself and don't just mope around thinking the same old things over and over; get out and be distracted.

All of this will combine to grind you down if you let it. Go for a run, work up a sweat, arrange to meet friends in the pub this weekend, book yourself a fun day out with mates. You have worked very hard and there's no reason why you shouldn't also enjoy the fruits of your labour, so take a few days off and cram them with enjoyable things for YOU to do. Whether that's watching your team playing or going for a curry with the lads, now is your time to give yourself a little TLC.

I agree with rhubarb.

Try to lean on people as much as you can because you really need some support and some love and care. I don't know what your personality is like personally I am very 'everything's FINE' and try not to bother others and cut off my nose to spite my face. Try not to be like that, people generally will want to help.

I expect it feels bloody humiliating as well, but don't beat yourself up and try and think what you did wrong. She is the one who has betrayed you awfully and should be embarrassed by what she has done.

Are your family or friends spending time with you and helping you through it?

You know what it doesn't feel humiliating, it does for them two, news is spreading and it is shameful for them. I don't expect anyone to be laughing behind my back and f**k them if they are.

I am actually okay.

And yes plenty of friends to lean on...it's all good!

You sound very strong. I think I would be blaming myself for every last bloody thing and going over all conversations and scenarios in my head. Which is where madness lies.

Upset You need to spend a bit of time on you and your boundaries, and just do thinks that make you happy, you need to time work this all out, get over the shock and actually work through it, dont force yourself into deciding saving the marriage or divorcing, you just need to reclaim a little of time for yourself.

That's good about the friends.

Have you any idea what you are going to do next? Or are you still just using this time as breathing space.

You can swear on here as well! Many if us are potty mouthed twats

Upsethusband I keep reading this thread to see how you are - and you sound like you're coping extremely well.

My own brother in law is going through a similar situation, and is being similarly accommodating and lovely. I am in both parts sad for him that he is just 'rolling over' and taking it, and not fighting - but also proud and happy for him that he is shining through this horrible situation and showing himself to be such a good person.

I think the same is probably true for you - get through this with your head held high, and you will be the better person for it - and other people will see that too. Your wife, and the other man, are scrabbling around in the gutter trying to clear up their mess - you are shining through as the good man that you obviously are.

(as for emailing the D*ck photo - I thought that was hilarious, serves him right!!)

I hope you haven't been put off from MN with the heated responses you've had here. Keep filtering out the irrelevant and focus on what is relevant to you. There is a wealth of wisdom and support here.

My DB is currently getting loads of support from people after the discovery of his wife's affair, its times like this that you work out who your truely supportive friends are. DB's wife said to him, "Sorry, i love you, but im not ready to move back in yet", sure ok, she betrays him but she thinks she can decide if she gets move back in or not.

Point is Upset, You were betrayed, you have the right to make the right decisions, not just for your kids but for you aswell.

Also, what was the reaction for the dick photo, because i kinda hope OM is getting the cold shoulder, like he deserves.

Ouch Lucius, that sounds awful for your poor brother.

I know we shouldn't laugh at the dick photo, but I don't blame you for sending it. I hope it is as embarrassing a photo as can be, the smarmy git.

WHY send dick photos anyway. I have never understood it.

@Upsethusband

We can all be a victim of this kind of situation. I'm a man like you and I work sometimes long hours but I had to find a balance btw work and family.

I hope you dont take my comments personal becos I just wanted you to evaluate your own part in this whole marriage problem for the future. Its good to know that you have realised your own contribution but that dosent mean you are to be blamed for that.

I might be blunt in my comments but I do care abt what you are going thru. It can also happen to me.

GetOrf. I think men send dick photos because they find tit photos titillating and think women think the same way as them .