My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

Nothing further to add by way of 'advice', but a 'behind the scenes' dynamic could be developing thusly,,,,,

Given the longevity of this affair, it's entirely likely that both DW and OM were content with the situation - cosy homes with (ignorant) spouses - cheap thrills on the side.

OPs discovery has lobbed a stool, if not the entire shit, into the fan.

Right now, DW doesn't know what the OP is gonna do. OM might well get to thinking that his convenient mistress has mutated into a threat to his own marriage. As a potentially single woman who's lost her security, she might well want more attention from him. "I thought you loved me!",, "Ohh, uhh,, not THAT much."
Since DW showed little respect for her own vows, I can't see her having more for OMs.

Who knows where their heads are at right now? They'll BOTH be fretting, for sure.

"Seems easier for them but I doubt she knows the whole truth."

Neither do you.

And you know you don't, because you saw her destroy the evidence.

Because she prefers that you never know than than she should ever be an honest person.

I have to say that there is a chance that she is using this time to "suss you out" to see how you are reacting, how reasonable you are/aren't being and is calculating what you will ask/demand of her and therefore how much or little she can get away with.

For example:

• If you had made her leave the house I think she would have immediately offered to do anything, anything you wanted, and done it. However you would always have it in the back of your mind that she was doing this because she didn't want to lose the children, not because she didn't want to lose you. Anyway, you didn't do this, and I think that was probably a wise move.

• If you had been in floods, begging her to stay, apologising for "whatever it was that made her have an affair", promising to be a better husband, she would have taken it as a free pass to carry on with the affair when the dust has settled. So thank goodness you didn't do that!

• What you seem to be doing though is saying "I am not sure whether our marriage will survive, but if it doesn't I will make sure the children don't lose out." Which is admirable. But - caution! - make sure this is not seen by her as "if we break up you will have lots of money and I will take the children off your hands every weekend so you can spend time with Mr Willy Email." Because I can see that she might act the meek and contrite wife for a while, you catch her out in contact with him again, you end it and are forever the Bastard for walking out on your DCs and she resumes the affair after a discreet period.

Beware beware beware!

OP I think you are in real danger of hoping for the best without preparing for the worst.

TBH the last few posts look like they could have been written by DW on a reverse Thread.

Last few OP posts that is...

What Lazyjaney said here: ' I think you are in real danger of hoping for the best without preparing for the worst. '

I remember reading in a book I bought when my first marriage was breaking up that one of the biggest mistakes that the betrayed/deserted party can make is to be far too generous and far too reasonable in the (possibly only subconscious) belief that when the other party sees how kind, generous and reasonable they are they will see the error of their ways, and will start loving them again.

You can find yourself thinking the other person will slap themselves on the forehead and say "But xx is such a kind, lovely person! What am I doing?" But of course they have already betrayed you once and what happens if you are super kind and generous is that they take it all and think it is their due.

In my own case, I was devastated that my Ex didn't love me any more, and over the preceding few months I had felt that he didn't even like me any more. So when he expressed admiration for how reasonable I was being, it was the nicest thing he had said to me for ages. So of course I wanted to be even more reasonable to impress him further . . . daft bat! Should have hired a plane with a banner reading "Ex is a cunt" and flown it over his workplace.

Hi OP, hope you managed to get some rest. There is a lot to take in at the moment and you don't have to make any decisions right now.

Take some time, look after yourself, as others have said, eat as well as you can and rest when you can. Gather your trusted family around you and let them support you in your decisions, whatever you decide to do.

Whatever you feel, it is ok to feel. It is ok to change your mind. It is ok to ask for help. Keep posting here, keep talking here and elsewhere. Go at your own pace.

The biggest concern that I can see is that she loves the OM and she hasn't stopped seeing him. So, in effect, the affair is still continuing.

Upset No one on here can tell you how this will work out in the end as no one on here knows you or your wife or the RL dynamics between you.

In my experience a marriage can recover from an affair, but not unless both parties want it to. It is a long slow painful route, and not one that can be navigated if the guilty party is still in thrall to OM/OW, still sees them regularly, and still holds feelings for them.

Be careful that you are not the back up plan. Unless she is desperate to keep you, and acting in a way that shows you that, protect yourself and don't be taken for a fool.

Most ppl on this forum angry and wants action taken against the wife. Some wants OP to leave his and children, to go to a lawyer etc. That is human nature, we always seek revenge, want to restore our pride etc. OP can get this sort of advice anywhere, in a pub, on the street etc. But I don't think that this is what OP wants to hear right now and I will like to implore to ppl to rise above this 0815 advice becos this forum is more refined than that.

I think a rational and constructive opinion is better than revenge actions that helps us feel good in the short term.

You shld seek professional help. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Look at the Clintons, Rooneys. Terrys, Giggs etc, it worked for them.

Tiger Woods, Lampards etc, it didn't work for them. It is 50/50. But for that you need to be at peace with yourself and think rationally.

In my first Post, I mentioned that when a marriage dosen't work, the two involved shld look at themselves and take the blame. From your Posts, I think that your wife got close to her boss over the years of knowing each other and working together. When adults get that close, most times the outcome is not always good. I'm not trying to excuse her from her wrongdoing. What she did is not right but we are over that point by now. Maybe in the last 5 years, you were so busy in setting up with your bussiness that you failed to notice the signs.

Looking at the future, you have to learn to make out time for your loved ones. Partners need to communicate more with each other. Some are good at that, others are not. That's why we go into relationship, to find someone who complement us.

The difficulty is if your DW still has strong feelings for the OM how does she stop that? You can't just turn feelings off, especially if they are strong lustful ones.

There are times when I still think of my ex. We had a great physical relationship and I yearn for it sometimes, but mentally we didn't work and I love my DP very much. However if I saw my ex everyday I would struggle, I'll be honest, I think my feelings would get very confused and old sparks could start smouldering again.

I just can't see how she can continue to work with this man and make the marriage work.

Bryant the betrayed party is not to blame because he was busy trusting his partner and the vows she made, and working hard to provide for his family. He is not to blame one jot because of that. I don't like your victim-blaming attitude.

@Vivacia
the betrayed party is not to blame because he was busy trusting his partner and the vows she made, and working hard to provide for his family. He is not to blame one jot because of that. I don't like your victim-blaming attitude

I'm not blaming OP but rather stating the facts. Everyone works hard but still we have to fulfill our obligations as father or hubby. Otherwise you remain single and pursue your career. I'M NOT BLAMING HIM BUT WHEN A MARRIAGE FAILS EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAND UP & BE AND LOOK AT HIMSELF, OTHERWISE WE CONTINUE MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES.

The partner and the kids are not furniture that you maintain with money. I'm not saying what the wife did was right.

upsethusband so she has offered to quit her job, but has she stated that she will stop seeing him?

You haven't really told us much about what she is doing to and try and salvage what's left of her marriage.

She married you whilst seeing another man.
She spent most of her time juggling things around so that she could spend more time with him.
She colluded with him to lie to you.
She told him that she loves him.

Have you asked her outright what she wants from all of this?
We know that you want to save your marriage and do what is right for you and her and the kids - but what does she want?

It's no good if she decides to stay with you because of guilt alone. That will not make a happy marriage.

You say you have been happy for 11 years but has she? Obviously not if she got involved with him.

She took the cowards way out of having an affair but the cause remains the same; she must not have been happy with her life the way it is. Now there could be a million reasons for that; she might have been bored; it could have been pure lust; she might have wanted an escape or she might have actually loved him more than you.

I know this is not what you want to hear or even think about because it's bloody painful but mate, your wife said she loved another man. I doubt she would have said that unless she meant it.

You may want to work things out but do you have a Plan B in case she doesn't? Her boss may be patching things up with his wife but that doesn't mean to say that she can now transfer all her love to you. Something is terribly wrong with your marriage if she loves someone else.

Right now she is scared. She is scared of losing the children; of her reputation being torn to shreds; of losing the nice home she has with your income helping to support her. She is probably even more scared now she realises that her boss has no intention of leaving his wife for her. Perhaps she was hoping that he would? She'll probably go along with your suggestions for now because she knows that you love her, that you want to forgive her and she has a chance of getting everything back to normal - but is that what she really wants?

I think you need to be booking that counsellor and have a Plan B prepared because as much as you might be ready to forgive her and welcome her back into your arms, she could have other ideas.

If the love isn't there, you need to accept that and not push her to start again. You can't force her to be happy with you and as much as it might hurt, you may need to just let her go.

A couple of my friends have recovered from affairs. One of them even says it was the best thing that ever happened to them as a couple as they were inhabiting a relationship death-zone and something needed to change. A horrid way of making positive changes but still.

Good luck, OP.

I think it best if we all ignore certain postings. They often derail the thread.

THERhubarb

I like your line of thoughts.

DownstairsMixUp

Forget about this victim blaming comments becos I dont know OP.

"She married you whilst seeing another man.
She spent most of her time juggling things around so that she could spend more time with him.
She colluded with him to lie to you.
She told him that she loves him."

All this, as Rhubarb says, plus she still won't admit that they were having sex.

The changes, the running, the effort, has to come from her, not you, and I fear that if you just accept what has happened, then she will lose whatever respect she has left for you. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, Op, I get that but I would suggest you get a solicitors advice quickly.
She has to stop seeing him, as a minimum, and for you as a couple to have any chance of a future, she needs to tell you the truth now and why she said she loved him etc. etc.

Everyone works hard but still we have to fulfill our obligations as father or hubby

Bryant what obligations are you accusing the OP of not fulfilling that would cause a partner to cheat?

OP what actions is your wife taking to win back your trust and marriage?

I think she needs to leave work, OP. She can look for another job. It will be impossible to mend either marriage whilst they are working together. The discovery has been recent, everyone is in shock and doing their best. Give it a few months - how can they put that level of desire/ lust/ 'love' on hold forever? In my experience, affairs can become even more intense when it is 'us against everyone else'.