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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife just had an affair

661 replies

Upsethusband · 12/11/2013 14:33

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 13/11/2013 18:52

I hope your loyalty to her is deserved, op. Recently, she has shown more loyalty to her other man than to you. I hope she can change.

honeybeeridiculous · 13/11/2013 18:56

I didn't mean to upset you OP but think you need to wake up and smell the coffee, someone who married you knowing that she was carrying on with another man, sex or no sex, although I think we all suspect the former, has only now become upset because you have found out and probably had no intention of ending it otherwise, especially knowing that children and the other mans wife would be affected, To me that doesn't make a very nice person

KingRollo · 13/11/2013 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 13/11/2013 19:06

I agree, KingRollo.

Hissy · 13/11/2013 19:11

Oh the betrayal by someone you considered a mate has to be almost as bad somehow!

I'm so sorry that this is happening!

Try to stay calm, this really wasn't your fault, and you can't make it all better. Her going away needs to happen, she needs to have time alone to allow herself to think, and you to heal a bit. Well, gather your thoughts a little.

Upset, this is going to be a long haul, but whatever you need, we're here ok?

Strumpetron · 13/11/2013 19:12

I'm with kingrollo a bit of empathy wouldn't go amis, man or woman deserve it.

OP you're doing great. Keep talking and stay strong, we're here for you

Strumpetron · 13/11/2013 19:13

Anastasia may be my new code word for a nasty piece of work! You've started something there OP!

DownstairsMixUp · 13/11/2013 19:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GetOrfGetStuffed · 13/11/2013 19:44

I agree is there anyone in real life you can really talk to about this? What about your mum and dad? Do you have any brothers or sisters or really good mates?

We can all support you but it's not the same as having someone there who can give you a hug, shoulder to cry on, make you coffee/supply you fags etc.

I agree with --mum- perfect storm, are you eating and sleeping? You sound so very calm it's almost as if it hasn't hit you yet. I'm concerned that it's such a devastating blow. I have been in a similar situation and was absolutely fine and sanguine until a few weeks later where I just started crying and crying.

You do sound very caring, just hope there is someone there to care about you.

Fairenuff · 13/11/2013 20:02

Just a few of questions which you may have missed amongst all these posts OP - has your dw stopped seeing him, has she given up her job and does she use mumsnet?

honeybeeridiculous · 13/11/2013 20:28

I will say again, I am not trying to upset the OP, I have lots of empathy for him and think he is doing really well under the circumstances, but like someone said, he seems very calm and I don't want him to bury his head in the sand and ignore what's going on,
strump I don't think the wife deserves any empathy do you? She's broken this mans heart

KingRollo · 13/11/2013 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeybeeridiculous · 13/11/2013 21:22

Ok everyone, I will do what kingrollo wants and step back, I will say no more on the subject except to wish upsethusband all the best and hope everything turns out well for him and his family,

Original poster
Upsethusband · 13/11/2013 22:24

So no she is not on Mumsnet. Those worrying about whether I am eating, don't worry I am, I destroyed a BK bacon double cheeseburger and it tasted great.

This evening she took our 3 year old down to her parents, my idea, being alone will be difficult so she has someone to focus on.

As easy as it is for people to say leave her, this is absolutely heartbreaking. She has made a huge mistake and lied / deceived but we've been together for 11 years happily.

Some may suggest she deserves it but I am hurting and I love her. Some will say she has probably done it before but I doubt it, I saw a huge change in character so that is how I figured out. Some will say she only cares because she got caught but her reactions are natural.

It is such a mess and every decision seems wrong, some for me, some for her, some for the kids and some for all of us.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/11/2013 22:29

Of course her reactions are normal, as are yours. Both of your worlds have been turned upside down and will never be the same again.

The only thing that makes it difficult to really have sympathy for her is that, if you hadn't found out, she would still be carrying on with him. Right now.

She would be texting, telling him she loved him, arranging to meet up with him. He would be sending pictures of himself and maybe she would be sending back naked pictures of herself. She would still be doing all this if you didn't know.

Is she still seeing him? Has she quit her job?

DownstairsMixUp · 13/11/2013 22:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Upsethusband · 13/11/2013 22:34

She has been to work a couple of half days this week, I don't want to tell her to quit just in case it doesn't work out between us as she'll need the job.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/11/2013 22:40

No, OP, you shouldn't have to tell her to quit. That should have been the first thing she did, off her own back. To prove to you that she is being honest when she says it's over with him and she wants to work on the relationship with you.

It's not over with him.

She is keeping her options open.

I think that tells you all you need to know about her intentions.

Sorry Sad

Original poster
Upsethusband · 13/11/2013 22:45

She offered but I said no. Also I think it is, his wife found out and went mad but now they are trying to sort it out. Seems easier for them but I doubt she knows the whole truth.

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 13/11/2013 22:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Fairenuff · 13/11/2013 22:58

She offered to stop seeing him, but you said no? Why would you do that?

It seems clear that you are so confused and upset that you're not thinking straight.

Hectorhugh · 13/11/2013 23:03

Bitch. Dump her.

TheFabulousIdiot · 13/11/2013 23:07

I think you need time and space. It will do her some good to be left with her thoughts and to be living with uncertainty about the future.

Take your time.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 13/11/2013 23:20

Upset If you plan on working on your marriage, then she will have to leave her job, because you will never feel settled again, knowing she will see him everyday. All those work trips will feel like a stab in the heart.

Jinsei · 14/11/2013 00:10

OP, you come across as very fair and very dignified. You're coping amazingly well with a difficult situation. I hope you get the real life support that you need.

Ultimately, we can all tell you what we would do in your situation (or at least, what we think we would do), but only you can really say what is right for your situation, and that may require a lot of long, hard thought. There aren't any right or wrong responses, only what will be best for you, your children and your wife.