My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

I am de-lurking to give you some cyber moral support.

OP, you have acted with dignity throughout - until you sent the naked picture to the football team. But I understand why you did it. Just be careful that your need for revenge doesn't plunge you into a space where you breach the law on 'indecent communication'.

^If a message sent is grossly offensive, indecent, obscene, menacing or false it is irrelevant whether it was received. The offence is one of sending, so it is committed when the sending takes place. The test for "grossly offensive" was stated by the House of Lords in DPP v Collins [2006] 1 WLR 2223 to be whether the message would cause gross offence to those to whom it relates (in that case ethnic minorities), who need not be the recipients. The case also said that it is justifiable under ECHR Art 10(2) to prosecute somebody who has used the public telecommunications system to leave racist messages.

A person guilty of an offence under section 127 CA 2003 shall be liable, on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding six months or to a fine or to both. This offence is part of the fixed penalty scheme. ^

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/a_to_c/communications_offences/#an12

If one of the wives of the football team opens their DH's mail, you could find the police knocking at your door. That is the last thing I would wish for you at this time. There is enough trauma in your life at the moment without you facing any more issues because of a moment of weakness, anger and revenge.

You could have reported that indecent picture to the police and they would now be knocking on the door of your wife's boss/adultery complicitor.

I am glad that you and your DW have agreed to have some space to think. I am heartened that both sets of parents have been told. It signals an honesty and openness that is necessary to move forward to the next stage of your marriage (whatever that might be).

The fact that both sets of parents have rallied round and given the necessary space is laudible. It is not for them to sort out the issue; their role is to give space and unilateral support.

Like you, I can't understand how someone would make marriage vows knowing that they were having an affair and would continue to have an affair for as long as you didn't find out. And to have the affair partner in the same room is just a slap around your face!

I do suspect that the phone went into the river because of more damaging evidence than a message saying, "I love you". You already know that that they were planning a joint (double bedroom) trip in December, and then when you were going to work away again next year.

Whilst there are secrets and lies, there is part of a person which isn't available to their partner. There are plans for a 2nd, parallel life that don't include you or the DCs. Those plans signal disrespect for you, her current life and her children.

It is okay for someone to cancel a wedding if they have doubts - even after 2 children and many years past-history together. The taking of the marriage vows 3 months ago with the adultery-partner in the room is beyond forgiveness for me: particularly when they were now planning a December meet-up. That would be my deal-breaker!

But!

This is a forum for discussion. You will get different opinions.

It is your real life - and only you can decide the way forward.

I wish you the very best of luck and love in your life ahead. You definitely deserve happiness and a totally loving partner who puts you and your family above all else.

Great posts from Rhubarb and GetOrf. And can we ignore the more... unusual postings? I don't think, infuriating as they can be and atrociously bad as I am myself at not rising to it, that the derailings on this thread are helping the OP.

OP I think you're handling things just fine - you're 3/4 days in and things are still very surreal, I'd imagine.

You can't legally change the locks, so I'm glad you aren't doing it. And amping up the hostility won't help anyway. But I do think legal advice would be a very good idea, just so you know the lie of the land.

People caught cheating almost always insist there was no sex. It happens on threads here way more often than any other response from the cheater. The OP often thinks it was probably true because they're used to trusting their partner, but posters always say "nyah, they're lying." Then as the OP posts more, the cheater eventually admits it. I think cheats deny because they're on the defensive, and so in the habit of covering up by that point they do it as a reflex. It won't be about divorce - the only grounds for divorce is irretrievable breakdown of the relationship, and then you have facts you can use to prove that. Adultery is one, but so too is unreasonable behaviour and what she's done is ample proof of that! So the sex aspect is only relevant because if she's genuinely remorseful and wants to try to rebuild, she has to be honest, even when she doesn't want to be. I agree her betrayal is huge irrespective of the mechanics.

I hope you're trying to eat and rest. I know I keep banging on about this and probably sound like your mum, but you do sound so kind, calm and reasonable and those traits are unlikely to hold, or combine with rationality, if you're sleep deprived and malnourished even more than you need to be.

You can't annul the marriage under these grounds in England and Wales. Possibly in the USA, no clue, but they do have fraudulent misrepresentation there as grounds I believe - we don't here. I'm happy to go over the grounds if people want me to, but these facts would not provide grounds for annulmentI. The affair itself is not legally relevant to the marriage's validity in this country.

Yes, that's why I didn't post suggesting annulment when I thought of it, because I wasn't sure of the legals.

However, the fact that an annulment wouldn't be possible doesn't remove fear of annulment as a motivation for lying about the sex.

She might well be lying and destroying evidence in the mistaken belief that if sex is admitted or proven that it will affect her in any divorce/annulment proceedings.

Yeah, that's possible - but the thing is, people always do lie about that from the evidence of threads here, even when they aren't married, don't they. I think it's more reflex than that: they're caught out so they lie instinctively (after all, they've been lying by omission and usually directly for a while now so it's nothing new), and then they don't want to shift from that position. It could be more calculated, but given how universal it seems to be, I think it's more a reflex. Whether that's habit through the affair, or just a defensive response, I don't know. But they all seem to do it.

Sorry further background, I've known him for around 9 years, first started working with him and then he invited me to join the football team he plays for. We've become closer friends as time have gone by, drinking sessions, trips away etc...

5 years ago I left to setup my own business and my wife went to work for them 5 years ago. She stopped for our daughter (don't worry she looks just like me) and then she went back to work a couple of years ago.

Over the last year they have become closer, after work drinks became a London to Brighton with training rides, to conferences in London where they stayed over to work parties to booking a work ski trip.

Every event was booked with other people there, obviously now to look normal. She has been distant a number of times, neglectful and always looking for something else. I confronted her 4 weeks ago and she flat denied it but has continued.

He has become a lot closer recently, some how ending up at all the events we were going to and interested in ones I am going to only to not be able to come. Obviously after reading some texts he was just doing this to find out when I was away.

What a mess!

Hello ppl we are not discussing criminal proceedings here.
I don't think she thought these far. Those of who have had such experiences knows that the cheating one doesn't think that far. She's so focused on not getting caught. I wonder if she shares her "adventure" with her best friends like most women do

Oh yes, absolutely, I agree.

But the OP was looking for possible motivations for her lies (rather than just ongoing deceitfulness and unwillingness to be honest) and I think that is a possible motivation.

The point, I guess, is that she might have reasons to believe it is in her interests to lie that go beyond trying to preserve her reputation.

OP one reason I think you need to see a lawyer is that while behaviour has no impact at all on financial arrangements, length of marriage usually does (or did, anyway) and I don't know what current thinking is when a long relationship but very short marriage is at stake, especially with kids. It may make no difference, or it may reduce your liabilities - to her, as opposed to the kids. I absolutely appreciate that you want your kids housed in their own home and well provided for, and I completely applaud that, but you have things such as pension splitting and any other assets to consider, too.

I do think in this situation a decent solicitor's advice might be invaluable - whether or not you ever need to rely upon it.

There's not really any downside to seeing a lawyer to find out what your position would be in the event of a divorce.

It doesn't commit you to any course of action, but it might provide some clarity for you.

Yes, that would be my thinking too. Knowledge is always a handy thing.

Well after hearing that OP I think this has been going on a long time, he is no friend and would be very interesting what his wife makes of all this?!
Stay strong, it's gonna be a difficult time but your wife is only upset as she was found out, to be honest she sounds a nasty piece of work, I'm sorry

She does not sound like a nasty piece of work!

She sounds like someone who has fucked up big time for, probably, stupid reasons.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work to me.

Whatever her reasons were, the way she has behaved is incredibly callous and cruel and her response to being found out is manipulative and self-serving in the extreme.

Totally agree with you Nauticant.

Least they are being sensible and she is respecting Upsethusband by staying elsewhere so they can clear their heads.

Hopefully they both will reflect on things and what has happened and come to a decision as to where their futures lay

She may not be a nasty piece of work normally but what she has done is exceptionally nasty.

Your wife has played you and so has your friend.

I am so sorry.

Stay dignified and perhaps seek legal advice.

Perhaps she has it in her not to be a nasty piece of work if she does some serious work on herself, but right now her deliberate actions over recent months show her to be selfish, uncaring, cruel, heartless, dishonest and manipulative.

There's nastier than that, but not much.

She may well be a nasty piece of work and has been selfish and stupid.
All I'm thinking is that the 9 year old will have some idea of what infidelity is and will be heartbroken and the 3 year old just wouldn't understand anything apart from that her mum has been kicked out of the house.
Vengeance and retribution in this instance has more than one victim.

This was posted a while back now, by saggytummy but it is really bad advice:

I would not insist on an sti test, she had an affair she wasn't sleeping around with lots of men and yes I know it only takes one but she only may have Dtd with the om.

Please get yourself tested asap OP. She may not have had sex with him but if she did, as I am sure you are aware, she may have put herself at risk.

Saggy suggested that it's ok because it's only one sexual partner but, in all honesty, you don't know if he is sleeping with anyone else, or if his wife is. No-one knows. The only really safe and sensible action is to get yourself tested and do not have sex with your dw unless she has a clean bill of health.

upsethusband do you have anyone in real life you can go to right now? You see, advice on a forum is all very well but we don't know you personally and some people will say things on a forum that they don't mean or wouldn't say in real life. Everyone is advising you based on their own experiences of relationships, as I probably am. This is where counsellors come into their own because they are trained to look at your situation completely unbiasedly and offer straightforward advice accordingly, often encouraging you to form your own conclusions and come to a solution which suits you both.

For now I think you need some proper emotional support. Formerly you would have turned to your wife for this but you can no longer do that so you need to turn to someone else. Do you have a good friend who can come round or who you can meet in the pub? Any siblings? Could your parents look after the children whilst you take a couple of days off work to try and sort this whole thing out?

Please do take whatever is posted on here with a pinch of salt. Obviously there is some very good advice here that you can consider and will help you to ask all the right questions, but others may not be relevant to you or your situation.

You need to have a heart to heart with someone who knows both of you.

Kids don't know anything, she is going to her parents with our daughter to see her mum who is 'unwell'. It's all cool.

Also she has screwed up massively but she isn't Anastasia piece of work, I'm not being naive but she just isn't, she never has been. I don't need her slated, just the advice.

The great thing is that I have ignored a lot of the more extreme views but picked up some key things I would never have considered so thanks and much love to all!

Anastasia = a nasty

Anastasiapieceofwork would make a neat username.

I agree a counsellor would be great - help you untangle how you feel about it all, in a safe place and with someone impartial.

I admire the ability to separate actions from person themselves - that's always hard. And I hope you get some useful honesty and constructive conversations, both with/from her and with/from yourself, in the days and weeks ahead. It's a hard road but you do sound like you have your head so thoroughly well screwed-on.