My wife just had an affair

[Upsethusband]

Sorry I am not sure if men can post here but I feel like I need the advice of some women as I am so confused.

Background I have 2 children with my wife, 9 and 3 and we just got married in July. This Saturday after a number of suspicions I decided to look at my wifes email and found a number of emails from her boss, also a good friend of mine. Most were of his body but one fully naked holding his p.

I confronted her about these and at first she said he sent it by mistake but after time admitted that she was seeing him but it isn't an affair, it was only groping and kissing.

She said it ended a month before we got married but after reading her texts it started up again and they were continuing right up until the weekend.

They have organised trips to be on with work colleagues, parties and events so it doesn't look suspicious that they are away together but every time they have used it to snatch kisses and time together.

There messages discuss being together and also when I am away so they can book hotel rooms. They both insist there was no sex and whether there was or not I don't feel like it should make a difference.

I am so upset as we only just married and she said her vows with him in the room and he was there giving me a hug congratulating me after. I feel so let down and deceived and believe it would have become sex if I had not confronted them.

I don't know what to do, I want to leave but I am worried about the impact on my kids and whether I can ever be intimate with her without thinking of them together.

I don't know whether to let her off because there was no sex or consider it worse because there is so much emotion involved.

I asked her to show me the entire phone history so she threw her phone in a river. I now don't know how close to our wedding it ended, started again, whether they spoke on the day, whether they spoke since I found out and what actually was sent.

If I am not meant to post on here being a man then I am sorry but if anyone has any advice then I would love to hear it.

Thanks

Full sex affair is not needed as grounds for divorce.

They could be denying it for any number of reasons: They've been lying for months - they are used to it/this is what they do. They don't want you or his wife to find out because you will be so hurt/angry/leave/go for custody etc. etc. They don't want you to find out because this will destroy the image of themselves that they have as 'good people'.

I think you were right earlier when you said it hardly makes any difference. She is still communicating with him, covering up with him, going to him before she goes to you and lying to you. If she were serious about making this up to you, this would have to stop.

FWIW: I would say Cock shots, 'I love you's', hooking up at parties and events away, in most cases would indicates full sex.

Is there any chance they are denying sex and hiding evidence because full sex affair is needed as grounds for divorce because of adultery?

Its possible, although you can cite unreasonable behaviour, you dont need that to be granted a divorce.

Its also possible, that finding the full truth means she can claim it wasnt the worst you think it is.

Well done for trolling a thread where someone really needs help. Marvellous.

OP I have no idea about the adultery question. I think maybe they're not thinking that far ahead and just are about damage limitation.

Who knows why peo

Oops sorry - bl

Re the colluding afterwards, do you mean colluding after they have been found out? Because if that is so that really means she has bugger all respect for you and is only concerned with herself and the other man.

Sorry OP that there is a bit of strange posting on the thread.

You take what advice you need. If you are a very strict Church attending Christian and/or Captain America I am sure there are some posts on this thread which will have pertinent advice. If not you can just ignore them or treat them with the contempt they deserve.

I don't think there needs to be any particular reason for them to be denying having sex. If that is indeed what's happening, they're just doing what cheaters do, which is minimising and admitting the least they can get away with. And if I understand you correctly, they are colluding after discovery, so it is quite possible they would be telling the same story and sounding very plausible about it.

Personally, I would bet my last tenner they have.

I realise you don't necessarily see the sex as the important bit. The reason people have been very focussed on it here is that if your wife is still lying to you, you have no hope of really moving forward or making a truly united attempt to save the marriage, if that's what you both want. Full disclosure is the only possible first step.

Bloody phone!!! Sorry!

I was trying to say I wasted years hours and hours of my life trying to second guess why ExP had done what he did, whether he loved me, whether he was depressed, why had he walked out, why wouldn't he see DS etc. the list goes on.

My point is maybe they are lying / maybe they aren't. Deal with the facts and the truths you have. I nearly drove myself insane trying to piece it all together. The whys, the how's destroyed me and I thought if only I just knew then I would feel better / understand.

But the reality is ExP never gave me a straight answer and I wasted a lot of energy on trying to find out.

If you want to divorce for adultery, then you do need evidence of a sexual relationship. an emotional affair is not grounds for adultery, although I used it for Unreasonable Behaviour grounds.

She is lying because she does not want you to know the full extent because there may be no going back if you know everything that has gone on. There may be no going back anyway.

upsethusband

You've had so much good advice.

Just a few bits more from me then:

You are wise not to throw her out and change the locks. You need to remain dignified over this and denying her contact with the children will not only hurt her but also them and they haven't done anything wrong. So yes, do keep things civil and sensible for their sake. I have been caught up in parents rows and in them using me and my siblings as a weapon and it's not nice at all, it just stores up problems for when they become adults and start to have relationships of their own and of course, it will reflect in their future relationship with both of you.

As for revenge - be careful. You could make him into a victim if you go too far.

To be honest you are right, it doesn't matter whether or not they had sex. She told him that she loves him. To me that would be the ultimate betrayal.

I might have missed this but other than crying and revealing bit by bit her liturgy of shame, what has she done about all of this? Does she still love you? Has she suggested counselling or offered to move out? Has she offered anything by way of explanation?

You know, you blamed yourself earlier on by saying she lived in your shadow. Please don't do this. Every marriage has its problems. At the moment my dh works 12 hour shifts 4 days a week. He doesn't get home until 7pm on those nights and then by 9pm every night because of his body clock, he's asleep. It's causing problems between us but the answer does not lie in an affair.

She married you whilst seeing him, that is pretty, gobsmackingly awful. I wonder if this man, her boss, had been single whether she would have married you at all? Did she only marry you because you had children together and she thought it was the 'right' thing to do?

You need to sit down and have a discussion with her, preferably with a counsellor present. You need to know if she does love you. Would she have left you for him if he had left his wife? Does she still love him?

If she doesn't love you then you can't really go on I don't think. You will always be looking over your shoulder, wondering where she is and what she's doing. That trust will never be replaced.

Her actions right now will speak volumes about her intentions. You need to know what she wants and don't accept "don't know" as an answer. She must have thought of the future and what she really wanted out of life. If that is a life without you then please don't hang onto this lost cause, let go and start afresh. You sound absolutely lovely. You are obviously very thoughtful, in touch with your emotions, loving and understanding. You are not the kind of man to face his future alone - there is someone out there for you. It may not be her but someone who actually deserves all the love you have to give.

Yes a split will be hard on the kids but only if you both make it so. Kids are resilient and if both parents pledge to do all they can to bring the kids up in a loving environment then they will still thrive and go on to have loving relationships of their own. It's how you both handle it that makes the difference.

Good luck, your wife obviously has no idea what a catch she had and perhaps her and her cheating boss deserve each other.

were you ppl having problems before in your relationship?

Was the marriage an attempt to save the relationship?

Not knowing the state of relationship before finding out makes it difficult to offer a good advice.

That's a great post rhubarb.

Yes please don't blame yourself for working long hours. Yes it can cause resentment, but the solution for that is to bloody talk about it, and to try and resolve the problem together, not to say bollocks to it and go and meet someone else. I know just how it is working stupidly long hours, had how it is expected of you by employers.

I think probably the worst bit of this is that she married you when she was having the affair and invited the married man. That's the bit I would find impossible to forgive I think. That is such a visceral betrayal. On your wedding day, when she should have been thinking of you, she said those vows probably with her kind on the other man watching her in the congregation.

If she was fooling around on the side for a few months because she was going through a moment of madness, well that would be one thing. But to marry you - that seems very cynical and cruel of her indeed. It's really unforgivable in my eyes.

Her mind on the other man I meant to say

And mine I have to say.

Not my mind on the other man! I meant that it would be unforgiveable in my eyes too, especially since she's told him she loves him.

That just sounded so wrong coming straight after your post GetOrf!

I don't think she invited the other man (her boss). The other man (her boss) happens to play soccer with her man. So both of them actually know the other man (her boss). I think he was invited as a friend not as her boss. Pls correct me if I'm wrong!

I don't think it matters in what capacity he was invited really, Bryant.

It doesn't really matter who invited him, presumably the invitation came from them both.

What matters is that she allowed the man she was shagging to be in the room while she married the OP.

She didn't have to let that happen. There were a lot of choices she could have made, at a lot of points leading up to that, that could have avoided doing something so monumentally cruel and disrespectful to another person.

Bryant, it doesnt matter who invited him, he was still there grinning away with the knowledge, he had gone way way over the line with his mates bride.

Upset, dont think you working long hard hours is the reason she had an affair.

My BIL, works away from home sometimes, but my Dsis loves her husband, she trusts him and he trusts her, and my Dsis, does things she likes when he isnt there. If she was unhappy, she should have told you, she had this affair because she wanted too.

Dont take any blame in this, because it will eat you up.

Well it doesn't matter. It was just for the records.

From what OP said, the boss happens to be known for that kind of behaviour. Just wondering if someone else in his team knew what was happening b4 it got exposed.

My guess as to why they are denying sex/evidence etc is because they both know they are good grounds for divorce and losing their 'good name/reputation'....and the fact that they are desperately trying to believe their own bullshit - "we're not THAT bad,it was just innocent flirtation" etc. Maybe they think if they say it out loud often enough the magic fairy will change the past and they will be vindicated!

which brings me back to her motivation/reason for marrying you when she was clearly loving somebody else. You say you got married in July...that's only 4 months ago (i'm so sorry). I guess one reasin why she's hiding/denying the full truth may be because-not only can you divorce her (you'd have to wait at least a year)-but you could probably have the marriage annulled considering she entered into it fraudulently......
thereby scuppering her chances of getting her hands on what's left of your savings (after spending most of it on giving her the big wedding she wanted) and your future earnings.

I know you might be thinking there's no way she could be so calculating or greedy or cruel....but she can. She's already proved that and more.

Please get some legal advice and take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your children. Even if you decide to stay together that advice and protection can only benefit you....especially if there's a repeat performance later on down the line.

"I guess one reasin why she's hiding/denying the full truth may be because-not only can you divorce her (you'd have to wait at least a year)-but you could probably have the marriage annulled considering she entered into it fraudulently......
thereby scuppering her chances of getting her hands on what's left of your savings (after spending most of it on giving her the big wedding she wanted) and your future earnings."

Yes, this had also occurred to me.