My former best friend in the world that I lost touch with 11 years ago has now suddenly joined Facebook.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Seeing his name on the "friends suggestion list" was a strange punch to the stomach.

We used to be so close. But he did mention to me when I got married that he tended to lose touch with all friends that become parents. It is very complex, and to do with his parents, his older sister, the family sorrow of no new children born to the family. His guilt at never (as a gay man) being able to produce grand children for his parents, whom he loved dearly. I know all this and I understand.
He broke up with his long term boyfriend 11 years ago and moved to a coastal town known for its vibrancy. I have not seen him since. My phone number has not changed. I still live in the same house as I did then.

It has been his choice to move on from our friendship. And now his facebook profile is there, and this digital interface is suggesting he becomes my friend. I can see all our friends from back then welcoming him saying that now there is finally a point to Facebook. Many of these friends now have children of their own. We are in our forties!

I do feel hurt that he could just cut me off like that, simply because I got pregnant. I have so many memories with him, and the things we got up to, and even just evenings in playing backgammon are fond memories. We were flatmates for years, as students, but had known each-other since I was 15-16.

I could not possibly send him a Friends request.

if you don't feel that you could send him a friend request then maybe you should block him to save upsetting yourself any further.

Do you not think he might have moved on in those 11 years Quint? He might be pretty embarrassed that he cut you off and doesn't know quite how to make the first move.
Send the request, what have you got to lose?

That must feel so hard.

I understand that he had his reasons to walk away but as a close friend you might have needed his support at a scary time for you so you must have been hurt.

I'm not sure if it's something I could get over I think. But on the other hand - it's been 11 years. Maybe he has grown up and changed and realised that friendships count for a lot?

Why can't you send a friend request. Or just a private message?

Just say "Hello! How are you? Would love a catch up!" and see what happens.

I'm not on Facebook, but won't it be suggesting to him that he contacts you, if you have friends in common?

I'd wait until/if he does and see how I felt about it then.

On the other hand, he might see me, and send a friends request himself if he wants to.

People come, people go, people come back again.

He will always be your friend, has probably never stopped.

x post with sunbathe.

But to be honest, what do you say to somebody after 11 years?

All sounds a bit teenage angsty on his part and his "complex" reasons he couldn't remain friends with someone that has a child. He even went so far as to set you up for it when you got married, so that you even have sympathy for him and his affliction.

If you do send a friend request could you handle being dismissed again?

Is 11 years not long enough to hold a grudge? We all do stupid stuff when we're young. His bizarrely intolerant attitude to children sounds exactly the kind of black/white right/wrong rubbish that people indulge in before they realise the world is a bit more complicated than that. Maybe he's able to apologise now? Maybe he's as self-centred as ever? You're probably never going to be best buds again but it could be worth reconnecting just to satisfy your curiosity.

Think about it. How would you feel if he sent a friend request? Would you be so happy you would want to forgive the past and welcome him back into your life? If so, you send him the request.

If your pride would be hurt if you sent it and was rejected then your pride is bigger than the chance to have him as your friend and it is probably best you just delete the suggestion.

Give him a poke!

BTW I lost touch with two friends from school for over 11 years. One found me and sent me a message and we are back in touch now and have been for 10 years. The other one I found an address for her and wrote on the off chance. We have met up and text as she lives a long way away.

Why don't you send him a brief but friendly message? You sound as if you're wanting to punish him for not being in touch, which seems like a waste of time. Don't you want to know how he is?

"You sound as if you're wanting to punish him for not being in touch, "

Not sure where you get that from. It is more about respecting his actual wishes! He moved on, he could have gotten back in touch if he wanted to. He held all the cards for over 11 years, how am I punishing him by NOT getting in touch?

I have just been looking at the fb pictures of lots of other friends from over 10 years ago. And I do think it is time to move on. We are not who we were, we are not who we wanted to be. All our lives have taken different turns. It is actually perhaps finally time to bury this friendship deep in the past.

I dont want to be dismissed again. My life is shit enough. I can indulge in my current midlife crisis, but I dont think trying to rekindle old friendships is a good idea at all.

I wonder if there are two sets of issues here that are being triggered:

1. Your feelings of rejection that go back a decade
2. Your dissatisfaction with your present lot in life, and feelings of loss of youthful hope/possibilities that this has brought up (particularly as he was someone who apparently disapproved of your choices)

Separating out these two things, and recognising that the former is his problem, the latter yours, may help.

Quint I know where you are coming from. I have a similar situation with a friend who kind of dropped out of our circle of friends about 15 years ago. Recently I had the opportunity to see him again, and it was so much fun, really enjoyed it and was looking forward to seeing more of him- except that isn't what happened, he's just as busy as ever and my attempts to try and meet up have gone nowhere.

Being a facebook friend is not offering very much, and he may not be that motivated to actually spend time and repair/renew the friendship, as my friend wasn't.

In my case, I am glad I saw the person, but not that fussed about future contact, because people move on- although I will always be happy to see them and always welcome them if they pass by/opportunity to meet up arises.

I think there is a tendency, as with old romances, to over-romanticise the past and imagine that old friends are somehow better- I'm not sure that is always true.

If you have low expectations of the friendship, and are happy just to see some photos and keep in touch on FB, I would go for it. if you are expecting a return to the deeper friendship and/or an apology, I would not, I suspect you will not get it (otherwise why hasn't he written a lovely letter, or offered to come and see you etc?)

And- I'm sorry you feel life is shit. That sounds like something to do something about probably more than revisiting old friendships.

I think my reply has been coloured a lot by an ex friend of my own. She also set me up with lots of comments leading up to my wedding that she doesn't "do" marrieds and their offspring. I laughed, but it was ME, her life long friend no way would I be dropped.

Sure enough she stopped contact, I was officially dropped. It's been 9 years. Some people are so cold.

Look after yourself what ever you decide OP.

I think I'd delete the suggestion and forget about it for now.

If he contacts you, you can think about it again then.

If you change your mind, you'd be able to get his name from your friends.

Concentrate on something that brings you positive feelings right now, rather than revisiting the hurt from years ago.

I would wait for him to make a move to be honest.

FWIW I have a similar friend who for the same issue (coming out) cut out all if his friends. He had therapy to help him deal with his sexuality. Not that I'm giving excuses but I did consider what he went through in learning about himself to be quite significant. It is more than just thinking 'well I don't have much in common with Quint anymore so she's out'. Maybe he is actually jealous and sad about not being able to gave a family?

Still he has been selfish so I would still have a thick skin about it. He may disappear again.

It's really hard. A couple of years ago after an 11 year silence, one of my two closest friends sent me a request and message asking if we could be friends again. I leapt on it and sent her a friendly reply. She obviously had a good nosey at my profile (I don't post much) but sadly nothing further has come of it. The other close friend's "friend suggestion" still haunts me occasionally but, like you, I couldn't get in touch with her especially as it was me who was dropped by both of them. (Unrelated and mysterious and honestely I'm really nice )

I don't really have any advice. FB can be great but it can also be really unsettling. Can you delete the suggestion or just stay off the whole thing for a while?

I had a friend drop me twenty years ago and it hurt like hell for ages. I have sent Christmas cards and address changes but been ignored throughout. Then last September we met at a wedding. And I didn't like her much! It was so liberating to realize she wasn't someone I wanted in my life after all. Free at last. You might find the same.
Hugs anyway. It hurts!

Best friend dumping you because you got pregnant? Pfft. Unless he has majorly gotten over himself over the past 11 years, I wouldn't bother.

Struggling100 has nailed it I think. I think I will delete the suggestions.

I know he probably just moved on because he knew I would be busy caring for children. In his mind, it was probably ME who moved on. It was my choice. Marriage, house purchase, then pregnancy. I got boring.

Lets face it, the life we had did not really easily combine with raising children. He was not the only friend to move on when I became pregnant. We were really into art, galleries, contemporary art, performance art, music, film, culture, late nights, debating. Many of my friends were artists and actors. He did not like my husband much. Very traditional and conservative.

Dh and I were on our way to go on a round the world trip, backpacking for months. Then changed our minds and bought a house.

We were on our way to meet a friend in China, to travel with her to Tibet by bus (no tour company involved, my friend worked as a teacher there at the time), then we cancelled this because we discovered I was pregnant.

It is true that I am very dissatisfied with life. Nothing has gone as we planned. I am now fat, old, and boring, and struggling to make ends meet while paying for private school for ds1.

I just want to take the kids and move to Oslo, escape this humdrum existence, find a job. Forget about our London house, our company which is not doing great. Dh has put the business first the last 10 years, without making it into a success, he can keep it.