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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My former best friend in the world that I lost touch with 11 years ago has now suddenly joined Facebook.

61 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 12/11/2013 09:58

Seeing his name on the "friends suggestion list" was a strange punch to the stomach.

We used to be so close. But he did mention to me when I got married that he tended to lose touch with all friends that become parents. It is very complex, and to do with his parents, his older sister, the family sorrow of no new children born to the family. His guilt at never (as a gay man) being able to produce grand children for his parents, whom he loved dearly. I know all this and I understand.
He broke up with his long term boyfriend 11 years ago and moved to a coastal town known for its vibrancy. I have not seen him since. My phone number has not changed. I still live in the same house as I did then.

It has been his choice to move on from our friendship. And now his facebook profile is there, and this digital interface is suggesting he becomes my friend. I can see all our friends from back then welcoming him saying that now there is finally a point to Facebook. Many of these friends now have children of their own. We are in our forties!

I do feel hurt that he could just cut me off like that, simply because I got pregnant. I have so many memories with him, and the things we got up to, and even just evenings in playing backgammon are fond memories. We were flatmates for years, as students, but had known each-other since I was 15-16.

I could not possibly send him a Friends request. Sad

OP posts:
struggling100 · 12/11/2013 12:19

Awwww, sweetie. Stop for just a second before you move to Oslo, or Timbuctoo, or outer Mongolia! Because while a change of scene may be a great idea, it might also be the last thing you need right now... and to be honest, you're not in a fit state to think clearly about whether it is the right decision or not.

Firstly, let's deal with the self-loathing. I know that you are not old or boring. I can understand how you might feel that way, submerged as you are in the worries of a business, kids, and the daily routine, but you're NOT! The old 'you', who lived that bohemian life, isn't dead, she's just a starving and neglected part of you!!

Second, I understand you looking back on the past with fond regret - believe me, I know what that feels like! However, I think you probably made the decisions that you did (buying a house, having children) for a reason, and I am sure those things bring you some freedoms and joys as well as some burdens and responsibilities. I wonder if you are perhaps looking at your more traditional life through the imagined perspective of your friend, whom you think would be highly critical, and thus subjecting yourself to a tortuous barrage of imagined criticism, which probably doesn't reflect his real life perspective, but is a kind of vocalisation of your inner insecurities and dissatisfactions??

The key question is: what can you actually do? How can you regain some of that creativity and that spark, while in your current position? Before you move to Oslo, how about a poetry or art course once a week, or a sculpture workshop, or whatever you would just love to do given half a chance?

I know if may feel that life is supremely busy already - how are you to fit yet another thing in? how are you to afford it, temporally or financially? - but the question in my mind is: what happens if you don't? You're already struggling, and if you don't take time now, this may get worse and worse until you're unable to function.

While I am not in your shoes, there are similiarities between your situation and my own. One insight that I am trying to live by is this: we have one allotted span on this planet, and we need to use it wisely. There are ALWAYS ways out, there are ALWAYS things that you can cut back on or find ways around to doing the things that we really need to do. People - and I include myself in this - make out that all kinds of things that are completely arbitrary are fundamentally necessary (big cars, big houses, luxury holidays, dozens of lessons for children) and forget that time is really the most valuable commodity we have. Perhaps you can downsize in various ways to fund a bit of time off? Perhaps the private education isn't as necessary as you've thought? You are resilient and strong, so use those energies to find a way to breathe new life into that creative part of yourself that you've been neglecting. :)

Granville72 · 12/11/2013 12:52

Maybe try and see things from his point of view? Gay and feeling guilty that he can't give his parents Grandchildren? Can't be easy when you see all your friends settling down and having families.

Bite the bullet and send a friends request. A lot of people join Facebook to find old friends and re-unite.

He's probably sat wondering whether to send a request as well.

NutellaNutter · 12/11/2013 16:22

I was also terribly let down, and dumped by someone I considered to be my best friend and soulmate. The whole affair left me in turmoil for many months. If I have learned anything in life, as I approach 50 years old (gulp), it's that people don't fundamentally change. Also, that life is a series of stages - 'To everything there is a season.' While true friends should accompany us on our journey, other people should stay in the past where they belong. The older I get, the easier it is to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Sorry if this sounds a bit Oprah, but I do believe this.

cloudskitchen · 12/11/2013 19:55

Can I ask if you were happier in yourself and with yourself would you still want him to be out of your life?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/11/2013 21:07

How about hello, stranger, it's so nice to hear from you, missed our chats. What have you been up to?
That is, if you do care.
I think I would want to put my version of Life Now across to him before mutual friends did.
It isn't easy but you might fall back into old familiarity very quickly.

lalalonglegs · 12/11/2013 21:57

You know, lots of people box themselves into corners - make these melodramatic statements about how they can't stay in touch with friends who become parents or whatever - and then can't find a way back. He must have lost a lot of friends if he hasn't stopped being so sensitive - I'd say he's probably got over himself a bit compromised his outlook and it's worth sending a short friendly message.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/11/2013 22:20

Thanks for all of you sharing stories, amazing so many of us have "important" friendships that has just slipped.

I honestly thought I was different, in some strange way.

We moved to London together, weeks in hostels sharing one small bedroom with all our earthly belongings. Him do to method acting and me to study the Ancient Greeks. The most interesting years of my life! We were scavenging through the skips of Angel looking for cast offs we could use for furniture in our warehouse "squat".

I guess I could send him a message a la "hello stranger, long time no speak" and leave it up to him.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 12/11/2013 22:23

Life is short. Send the friend request and at least you know that you offered the hand of friendship. At the very worst if he doesn't respond at least you can think that you made the effort. Who knows how his life has been the last 11 years he may well be feeling exactly the same as you. What have you got to lose?

HollaAtMeBaby · 12/11/2013 22:31

I think you should message him. I also think you should make an effort to rediscover/revive the parts of you that were bohemian and adventurous and fun all those years ago. Maybe the two could go together? Lots of people become incredibly boring when they settle down and have children but most of the ones I know seem quite happy. If you're still pining for the good old days, you need to try and get some elements of that time back.

CaptainTripps · 12/11/2013 23:10

There's a strong chance he has been snooping on your profile if his name has come up on the Suggested Friends list!

QuintessentialShadows · 12/11/2013 23:17

My profile is locked down tight, as only friends can see stuff.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 13/11/2013 11:12

Go on and send that friends request, you have nothing to lose and a friend to gain back.

If you're locked down tight he may not be able to send you a friends request depending on your settings

HogFucker · 13/11/2013 13:22

If your life is that bad, what do you have to lose? He will ignore if he wants to.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/11/2013 13:57

"before you move to Oslo, or Timbuctoo, or outer Mongolia!"

:o

She's Norwegian, the plan to move to Oslo isn't some crazy notion to just go to some far-flung location.

toffeesponge · 13/11/2013 14:07

Are you looking to him to bring some excitement into your life? Not a criticism if you are at all, just a way of only making it what it is. If everything in your life was as you want, would you still be agonising over contacting him?

It is a toss up of what will make you hurt more and what you have to lose or gain. Do nothing and miss the potential for a friend and support. Contact him and risk him ignoring you or telling you he wants no contact. It is a case of what is more important to you, what is the most you are willing to risk.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/11/2013 18:16

I am not really looking to him for adding anything to my life.

I cant relive my youth through him, or anybody. Somehow I feel that a drab old mum is too old to be a "fag hag", more a "fat hag" Grin

Have been working on changing my life around, this involves a more active and healthy lifestyle, and studying for an MBA.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/11/2013 19:32

I hope life has treated him kindly but don't forget, he may not be a slim Jim any more, he may have health issues - sometimes people reach out to old memories when they have undergone loss or hardship. So don't put yourself down , you have more candles on the birthday cake now but so does he.

In his case he might just have calculated that the babies will have grown and so parents will be less tied, who knows!

working9while5 · 13/11/2013 19:41

I lost a friend when I got pregnant. It still hurts. I too had been warned. Similar change of lifestyle, me getting 'boring'.

Sucks but not uncommon. She was 40 and childless. I understood it was not how she wanted her life to be.. but it still was a terrible loss.

working9while5 · 13/11/2013 19:43

In his case he might just have calculated that the babies will have grown and so parents will be less tied, who knows!
^^
This too.
My friend has hooked up with other parents whose children are teens now.

Lweji · 13/11/2013 19:55

I am very guilty of letting friendships drop, but also most of my friends.
When we meet it's as if it was yesterday but we tend not to see eachother much.

However, we don't plan to not be in touch. We often claim we should be more in touch.
It is odd that he basically said he'd be dropping you because you had a child coming. Because of that I'd not contact him.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/01/2014 20:14

Update.

I did send him a friends request and had no answer.

I then had some news which led to texts and fb messages back and forth and posted this thread about my dying friend

I am struggling with this. It has really knocked me.

I got to spend time with him at the hospital yesterday. I have never seen anybody so ill before. So bloody pointless. He still has his sharp wit. We got to talk and exchange news. With great difficulty as he was drowsy and had difficulty speaking. Forming sentences took a long time, he needed a long time to think. But he remembered me and was happy to see me.

Now I just cannot believe I waited so many years trying to find him. I so regret not having him in my life the last few years.

I got a text earlier today from his husband (they married a few days ago when he came out of coma) that it was good I managed to come yesterday as the doctors have said they think he will pass away today.

At least, I got yesterday. But my friend, he has no more time.

It was only October when I went to another friends funeral. Sad

It does not help my mood that my mum has had all her non-essential meds taken off her, and given an non-resuscitation order. I had a meeting with her doctor on Tuesday morning.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 09/01/2014 20:21

So sorry to read this update Sad Be glad that you have been able to see him, and that he was happy to see you. The past is the past, no point beating yourself up over it - you have made contact and been able to see him before he passes away. Not surprised you have been knocked sideways by this blow. Thanks for you... Sorry about your mum too. Have some very un-MNetty hugs.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 09/01/2014 20:30

OP, I had a very similar situation recently although my male BF was not gay. We'd had a bit of a Harry & Sally thing going on for a couple of years, had never quite made the leap to a couple, but had remained very close friends up until I met my DH and he moved away from London for a new job, when we drifted apart (his choice really, not mine.)

Another friend persuaded me to message him 20 years later, and send him a friends request, which after a few drinks one night, I did.

He didn't message back immediately, but he did accept my friends request. I prodded him a few weeks later with another message saying 'Come on don't be scared, i'm a long way away - I can't bite from here!' and he eventually sent me a lovely message back with the promise of more news - which never came.

Hey ho, look forward, not back, I say. He's well and happy, and so am I, and we have some lovely memories (which his DW and my DH were not part of) and he obviously prefers to keep it that way. No matter.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/01/2014 20:31

Thanks.

I am glad I got to see him. Just devastated that he is not going to make it.

OP posts:
MadIsTheNewNormal · 09/01/2014 20:32

Oh Quint I am sorry, I see I should have read the thread properly. Sad