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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in Law

22 replies

Danielle1991 · 10/11/2013 19:38

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and iv been living with my partner now for only a week, and he's mum is doing my heading! Saying "put the couch there" "paint the window sill" "come here" "I don't like the paint you got for baby's bedroom" she's trying to make the house how she wants and she talks to me like sh*t! And I think it's just going to get worse once baby is here I think she will start telling me what todo, what can I do??

OP posts:

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 10/11/2013 19:40

This reply has been deleted

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qazxc · 10/11/2013 19:41

what does your DP say?
when she says stuff like "i don't like the paint colour" i'd just smile nod and ignore.

Ursula8 · 10/11/2013 19:48

Is she living with you OP? What does your DP say about all this interference? is he backing you? If not, you need to have a very serious chat with him as this controlling and overbearing behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud. Right now.
If she is like this now I just dread to think what she will be like when your baby comes.
Stand up for yourself. Anyone who talks to you like shit should not be welcome in your home. If your DP doesn't accept this and support you 100% then you have more serious problems than how to deal with an interfering MIL.

holidaysarenice · 10/11/2013 19:53

Its ur front door, use it. Close it on her and only go to hers for a while, or open it and boot her ass out.

holidaysarenice · 10/11/2013 19:54

Its ur front door, use it. Close it on her and only go to hers for a while, or open it and boot her ass out.

pumpkinsweetie · 10/11/2013 19:56

Who's house is it?

BabyMummy29 · 10/11/2013 19:57

I had a MiL like that and her behaviour was always excused and pandered to with the comment of "It's only her way" and she doesn't mean any harm.

I just couldn't bit my tongue and put up with it so it ended up with DH visiting her alone.

Sorry OP that probably isn't any help to you, but just sharing my experience

Original poster

Danielle1991 · 10/11/2013 19:59

My partner just doesn't really say anything iv told him that I'm sick ov it but he doesn't see the problem, sometimes he will tell her it's none of her business but it's really beginning to really do my heading I just want to scream when she comes or even txts, and as for it's my door she just turns up and comes in!! I feel like I carnt get away from her

OP posts:

Original poster

Danielle1991 · 10/11/2013 19:59

And it's mine and my partners house we both pay

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/11/2013 20:03

Lock the doors from the inside so she has to knock.

Explain to your dp that you are hormonal and nesting and that you need her to tone it down A LOT or there will end up being a massive horrible row.

pumpkinsweetie · 10/11/2013 20:04

In that case op, i can see exactly why she is pissing you off.
Why does she live with you, cant she move out?

It sounds as though she is toxic, your dh shouldn't minimise her behaviour.

BillyBanter · 10/11/2013 20:04

Well maybe that is how her family works and that is ok with them but you do not have just be absorbed into that regardless of your own feelings. You are making your own family with your DP.

But firstly she is not psychic. So if wandering into your home as when she pleases is not what you want then you need to tell her, or your DH does. you need to be assertive and set boundaries. There should also be a bit of give and take and compromise on both sides. Different families have different cultures and you are trying to meld two together and make a new one.

MommyBird · 10/11/2013 20:05

Lock the door or Don't answer. allways be "out" "busy" untill you want to see her.

"Thank you for your advice/tips/opinions but this is our house and we want this colour/want the couch here.."

Stand your ground NOW it WILL get worse when the baby arrives.

pumpkinsweetie · 10/11/2013 20:06

Sorry just realised that she doesn't live with you, silly me.
Lock the front door and only let her in if she rings the doorbell at a decent hour like a normal person. She shouldn't be letting herself into your home, she needs to put her apron strings away and let her son live his new life with his partner.
She is taking over and he is allowing it!

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 10/11/2013 20:24

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BillyBanter · 10/11/2013 20:31

'your mouth would look good with a zip on it'

Original poster

Danielle1991 · 10/11/2013 20:34

Thanks for all the advice just every time I mention it to my DP he thinks I'm slagging he's mum off when I'm not I just don't like the way she is if that makes sense, coz she even treats him like a child and he's 23!! Ino it's hard for her to let him go as he's the only child but texting him every morning, dinner and tea asking what he has ate is a joke like I'm good for nothing, he works away a lot and goes again next week so that's when I'll lock the doors so at least then she will get the hint from me

OP posts:

Mondayschild78 · 10/11/2013 22:37

Not much to add other than you have my sympathies and MIL still treats DH like he's a child and he's 37 !!

Ursula8 · 11/11/2013 07:59

Does she have a key to your house OP? "Accidentally lock yourself out" and get your spare key back then tell DP you will murder him if he replaces it.

Tell her you don't want any visitors to arrive unannounced and uninvited, even family. I have sat in my lounge with the telly blaring and lights on, with MIL banging on the window, totally ignoring her when she still came over unannounced and uninvited. I know it sounds harsh but you have to toughen up and be almost as bloody rude as she is.

You are preparing to have a baby and are starting as you mean to go on. Are you renting OP? Are you very near MIL? If I were you, and yes, I do mean this seriously, I would move FAR FAR AWAY as soon as you are able.
It doesn't sound like your DP is able to stand up to mummy. Is your relationship going to stand this long term?

Lavenderhoney · 11/11/2013 08:46

Change the locks, or get your key back. Say a friend is coming and you need the key for them, then just don't give it back.

But its your dp who needs to step up here, not you. He needs to tell her to stop and if she has always been like this, it will be very hard for him. He has to choose whether to upset you or her, and right now he prefers to upset you. My dh is like this, with not upsetting his dm, and my mil lives 1000's miles away, and its still not far enough.

Does she live very close? She seems heavily involved. And all this popping in and out and texting- doesn't it drive him crazy? You can tell him you just don't want to know the contents of her text to him, which will stop that. If she comments on your furniture just smile and say " we like it as it is" and change the subject. She is there too much, and so has not much new to talk about.

Original poster

Danielle1991 · 13/11/2013 08:15

No she doesn't have a key I would die if she did, iv told him now if it carries on we're not going to last because I carnt stand it anymore, she has no excuse from now to come up so when she does the doers will be getting locked :) and she lives about 15 mins away.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 13/11/2013 08:23

Your biggest problem here is not your MIL, but your dp who is defending her and accusing you of slagging her off when you want privacy/your own space/opinions.

Hopefully this will change as your relationship becomes more settled and you are used to living together.

But seriously, if she asks what he has eaten, you need to text back "Whatever you taught your son to cook"

You do need to stand up to her, but be diplomatic with your husband.
DONT slag his mum off. Say "I am disappointed how your mum slags off my cooking to you." Here you need to set some examples for the future because you are NOT his cook, and you are NOT his mum. He needs to understand this also.

Or
"Your mum does not like me much does she, she never has anything positive to say about my cooking/decorating/furnishing skills."
or "I dont like how your mum wants to decide how we decorate our house. She has her own house to decorate, I would like to make this place OURs, the decision is mine and yours"
Etc

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