I think my marriage is over.

[RaRayRay]

So we had a big argument this morning, in which he told me we both aren't happy so may as well split up.

I will admit I'm not 'happy' as I have been diagnosed with PND and put on ADs which I have been on for 5 weeks.
It wasn't until this morning that he knew that this is a illness and a chemical imbalance.

I feel he doesn't respect me I told him this , for example he will open the dishwasher see it's clean and close the door and leave his dirty dish on the side for me to wash and dishwasher for me to empty.

I did say I wasn't prepared to just 'give up' and marriages go through hard times and we should work at it. He told me he doesn't want this to be his life, going to work, coming home, you know ground hog day. He does have a hobby which can take him away for a whole day at the weekend regularly.

I don't have any hobbies, am a SAHM. I don't know what to do I don't want to be on my own but again what's the point in being with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
The thing is nothing will change for me will it, I will be the one with the DCs, finding a job he will be the one with the freedom.

I just needed to write it all down, there's so much more too but to long to put into words .
Do I fight for this or not ?? I barely have the energy to smile sometimes last weekend I wanted to die, things were better this week and now this. I hate the world right now.

I'm not surprised you're depressed as it sounds you are doing everything in your household with no support.

Do you have anyone who can help give you a break?

It sounds like in practical terms you're a single parent already.

And actually he would have to have regular access & you might find life easier.

Does he have any redeeming features?

It's early days on the ADs but i would suggest joint counselling to see if you can work through what is making both of you unhappy.

What Queen said.

Call him on it, not only you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, but you don't want to be in this marriage in a position of being a skivvy to make him happy enough to stay.

For now I'd still go the talk route, but tell him that you do not want him to stay if he can't support you during your illness and contribute enough at work. And that you'd think he should have the DC 50-50.

Your life without him would be easier (one less person to take care of and to make a mess) and he'd have time with the DC, so you could rest then.
In contrast he'd have less money, as he'd have to fund his own place, pay maintenance to the DC and, as you are a SAHP, you could ask for spousal maintenance too. Not sure there would be much time or money left to pursue his hobbies.

Don't make rushed decisions. You are both stressed, he is fed up, you are depressed.
All marriages go through tough times,it is completely normal.
Give it some time.

Ups, contribute enough at home.

I got an out of the blue announcement like that, turned out he had someone else he went on to marry, they claimed nothing happened before he left.

Even down to the dishwasher stuff, he had no respect for me.

I let him go, I am glad I did. Saying that i think he never forgave me for not begging him to stay.

Sorry to hear you're feeling like you hate the world. He does not sound very supportive. Think he should be trying to help out more rather than doing nothing seeing he knows about the PND.
I had a similar situation a few years back. I would recommend counselling just to go over the reasons - as a couple or even just for you.
Lots of women put up for selfish men for many years but I know I feel a lot better divorcing ex husband. I wouldn't bank on him helping out with childcare though. ( My ex helped out until the financial stuff was settled - just playing a game then he fucked off ).
I am now a single parent to DD5 - I have chosen to go part time so that she sees me more but financially it is a struggle but manageable. I don't have extended family to help me so if you have that option it could be helpful. In short though, I am much happier .

If he's treating you like that (and the dishwasher seems the tip of the iceberg) is no wonder you're depressed.
I suspect your pnd will improve if he leaves, or stops being that entitled.

As for hobbies - he goes out for a day for his hobby - does he ever say to you , ' Why don't you go out for a couple of hours and I'll take care of OUR child?'. Seems that when a child arrives for many men their lives don't change so much as the expectation is on the woman to make most of the sacrifices.

It is a dark time struggling with PND and if he didn't know you had it, at a push I can imagine he underestimated what you have been dealing with. However raising a family takes effort, it isn't rocket science is it, a newborn requires a lot of care and any older children still need care and attention. The day to day domestic stuff on top of that pushes it towards unrelenting drudgery.

Marriage is a joint contract not "Mrs RaRaRay gets the shitty end of the stick". Was he housework-phobic before the babies artived? Is he thinking you have a lazy time loafing at home with DCs while he's metaphorically at the coal face?

At any point has he recognised it stopped being fun for you as well as him and started to take on that 'groundhog day' quality? Does he suppose you are somehow immune to the repetition and responsibility?

He would still have to contribute financially. He might have the DCs solo at weekends and one evening after work. He doesn't get to wash his hands of you all.

I don't know what his expectations of marriage and parenthood were. I think he's ignoring your distress and feeling hard done by. Where are your families, any older generation or switched on siblings who can come round and talk, share wisdom, help?

Just re read the OP. Did the GP mention any talking therapies to you as well as the anti depressants. If you are feeling like you want to die, then it sounds like you would really benefit from talking to a skilled counsellor. Like all professions, some are better than others but if you find a counsellor who benefits you , it is a really positive experience. The GP should be able to refer you or if you can afford it look at the list on BACP website. I felt really low in the past but you get through for the sake of your child. Hope you can confide in someone near to you . Hard to believe that things will improve but they will . Get as much support as possible xx

Small things feel monumental when you have depression. No wonder you feel drained when H's support is in short supply. Is his hobby golf or football? It shouldn't take precedence over doing his fair share.

Have you told any family members or rl friends? This isn't anything to be ashamed of. Weol, not your illness, not your behaviour. If it takes a village to raise a child you should never feel worried or in any way inadequate at asking for help. How many came to your wedding? If they turned up to support you on your big day when the pair of you were fit, well, untroubled by stresses like these they can surely muster up help now.

Thank you all for your replies.

My ILs are here at the moment so unable to reply in full.

He isn't very helpful at all and as PP said (sorry on phone can't see name) I think he thinks because I am at home all day I should so everything in the house, the thing is it's 24/7 for me and I rarely get a break.

Right now he's say on sofa with FIL whist I am making tea and tidying up after children etc. This does get me down I'm only human and I told him that. He doesn't listen.

Can you talk about this with MIL? Are you close?

How old are the children?

What's stopping you from going out now, to a cafe or to visit a friend, anything relaxing, and leaving the children in his care for a few hours?

Not that close with MIL I'm afraid.

Children are DD1 11, DD2 3, DS 20 months still doesn't sleep through.

When ILs leave I will go out.

Saying to you that you might as well split because you're both unhappy yet sitting now with FIL casually watching telly was him letting off steam and giving you warning he sees this as a situation you have to rectify. I'd be tempted to bring this out in the open now or as soon as you've finished waiting on him and PILs go home he'll start finding fault again.

You could wait until the DCs are out of earshot then bring this up with the inlaws present. Say you have been to the Gp you have depression but his solution is to split up. Say it's not you want but he is not interested in going on. Why should you tiptoe around and pretend everything's normal?

I know I don't want to just give up on the marriage because I got marriaged because I love him, not to bail out at the first sign if trouble. Only it's not the first sign , DD1 is not his and we had 6 yrs of infertility that we got through together.

I know I have been miserable but I am depressed even I know that I'm not 'me' ifkwim.
He's just changed, I joked the other day that he lulled me into a false sense of security because he used to help quite a bit, lots of cooking, getting up with DD1 in the night etc but I always worked then.
It seems since I've been a SAHM (I do clean in evenings for a bit of extra cash) he just doesn't do anything other then get up with kids in the morning and sometimes take them out for a few hrs at the weekend.

His hobby isn't football or golf, I can't say because it's identifying, he has to do it every day for a short while and then at least half a day at weekends, this time of yr it's a lot of going out for days at the weekends, and next week he is out for a night and day.

I have sisters that I do spend a lot of time with they are very supportive but have young children themselves, my mum and dad don't have anything to do with him because they don't get on.
On thurs night he told me he had half day fri as he had to spend some time on the hobby, we had discussion because he hadn't told me.
My sisters were here (prearranged ) when he got home and he was in a mood, I asked him during the argument what that was about and he said 'I get home and I get no peace coz your fucking sisters are here' my response wasn't pleasant.

Sorry this is a major post already.
I feel dizzy and sick, my chest hurts and I just want to cry.

To the PP who said I dis ask him
Who 'she' is and he denied OW, seem suitably confused to don't think there is.

Sorry about typos I am on my phone.

I read this thread earlier but DD started whinging so couldn't reply. I really am not the best person to give advice with a failed marriage behind me at the age of 30 but some of what you said resonates with me. You say you don't want to separate as you married him for love. Do you still love him? If not, could you again? If yes then working on the marriage is a possibility but both parties need to want this for it to work, either marriage guidance or perhaps a couple/ someone you know who will not be biased towards either of you to mediate as you talk things through? I really also think you need to find a hobby for you, an excuse to leave the house on a regular basis, something to give you confidence in yourself as, and I'm making assumptions here, I'm guessing that's lacking somewhat. This may have the side effect of making him appreciate what you do all day if he has to mind the children on his own on occasion and give you both something different to talk about. I do think all relationships and marriages go through ups and downs. It's a journey not a destination, having said that you've got to be on the right path. I hope you figure things out. X

sorry to here you feel like this, I'd also tell in laws about your PND and say how much you feel the fun has gone out of your lives. SAying it with a third party there can sometimes help. He sounds as if he could be low as well and this should be a time when you pull together,

I've had depression and an unsupportive H and its a nightmare situation. I would also say how difficult is it for people who haven't suffered to be supportive and they do sometimes think you are just being grumpy and that you can alter how you feel by doing something nice or having walk /nice meal/ see a film or something, but it may help to have a chat about it infront of other peoplex

I think the relationship might be part of the reason you are depressed. You might feel tons better without him. Is it worth having a trial separation for a bit?

I do wonder whether he has got someone else on the go. Has he always been like this or did you notice a change at some point.

I do still love him very much and would like to stay together but I'm not sure he loves me anymore. I'm not sure he ever did tbh.

If I say anything then I am moaning, I can't ask him to do anything without it being me moaning.

We have had episodes like this with him in the past where he makes to seem like out life is shit and we have nothing, I don't know what he expects from life, he has said he doesn't want it to be getting up going to work and coming home, but that's life you have to work to live, when I asked him this morning if he had any suggestions in what he wanted it to be like he couldn't give me any.

We have had issues in the past with him speaking to women on the internet and fake FB accounts etc and that was all to do with an ego boast and excitement.

He has changed he used to help
Me, he had nearly a yet off last yr and helped me a lot it seems to be since he got a new job that he has changed. I feel like he just isn't invested in us anymore, like he can't be bothered to put the effort in unless he wants sex and then he will, but even thinking about that he isn't affectionate with me unless he wants sex.

Sorry for the mammoth posts it helps to write it down.

The more you write a bout him the more he sounds fed up with life rather than you ? if he didn't have you he would still have the getting up and going to work to do every day.

I think its really hard for you if you have always been able to 'lift' him and support him he won't be used to you being the one in need at the moment, I think you need to concentrate on yourself at the moment and not worry about what he is saying. If he thinks hes fed up and bored how on earth does he think you feel.
Perhaps you should get over the idea that you are moaning and say what you want and if he won't support you, find it where you can.

Until he wins the lottery he'll have to lump normal life like the rest of us. Maybe he thinks the clean clothes he wears to work and at weekends are laundered by fairies. Perhaps he thinks it's happy chance that fills the cupboards with food that gets magically cooked.

The new job may have seen him meet single or childless colleagues. The change might have brought him into contact with people his age or younger who appear trouble free, more disposable income, no constraints on free time.

I can certainly see the benefits of you getting out and finding your own pastime though I predict it won't necessarily mean he'll turn over a new leaf. Deflating when you get in after a good time in pleasant company only to have his sour face grumbling about 'babysitting' the DCs " as a favour" and the dishes still piled up in the sink untouched.

Still worth building a social life for you, get some local acquaintances, building up contacts. Apart from the cleaning job is there something you might work at when DS is older?

It's teamwork that helps the home run smoothly. Your 11 year old can help round the house. Stepdad might not set a good example but she can lend a hand.

From now on each day that passes ask yourself, "How does he enhance my day?" When you get up to DC3 in the night does H help out at weekends, give you a back rub without expecting sex, make you a cup of tea?

The hobby 'demands' this or that. Is it new? Did he used to participate before you and he first met? Couldn't he give it a rest until DCs are a bit older?