I think my marriage is over.

[RaRayRay]

So we had a big argument this morning, in which he told me we both aren't happy so may as well split up.

I will admit I'm not 'happy' as I have been diagnosed with PND and put on ADs which I have been on for 5 weeks.
It wasn't until this morning that he knew that this is a illness and a chemical imbalance.

I feel he doesn't respect me I told him this , for example he will open the dishwasher see it's clean and close the door and leave his dirty dish on the side for me to wash and dishwasher for me to empty.

I did say I wasn't prepared to just 'give up' and marriages go through hard times and we should work at it. He told me he doesn't want this to be his life, going to work, coming home, you know ground hog day. He does have a hobby which can take him away for a whole day at the weekend regularly.

I don't have any hobbies, am a SAHM. I don't know what to do I don't want to be on my own but again what's the point in being with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
The thing is nothing will change for me will it, I will be the one with the DCs, finding a job he will be the one with the freedom.

I just needed to write it all down, there's so much more too but to long to put into words .
Do I fight for this or not ?? I barely have the energy to smile sometimes last weekend I wanted to die, things were better this week and now this. I hate the world right now.

We used to have a laundry fairy according to Hx

cjel - yes I think I have always been the one to lift him when he gets like this, always the one to point out what we have and how lucky we are .
I just can't do it at the moment, I'm struggling myself.

Donkey - I know I do need a hobby but I just don't seem to have the time and honestly can't think of anything (that may be down to be depressed) that I want to do. By the time he gets in from work and I go cleaning it 8pm and I then have to get the children to bed and cool my dinner , he does
Do his own dinner if I haven't cooked a family meal.

During the day I'm limited because of DCs and H takes the car to work so I have no transport and have to walk.
DD1 does help a lot around the house infact more then H does and that just doesn't seem right.

I do think a lot of his colleagues are younger and don't have young family's like us so he probably does hear about their great carefree weekends.
He says he comes in from work and I am miserable so he thinks he makes me miserable he hasn't thought to ask me this until this morning when I explained I'm stressed, tired, touched out. He doesn't do even one night at the weekend I do all the night waking a but he will get up in the morning so I have a lay in until 7 ish.

Sorry for any typos DCs climbing all over me.

The situation right now is he isn't speaking to me and I'm doing everything whilst he sits on the sofa and sulks

He does make me a cup of tea.

No back rub without expecting sex.

Infact will hardly do anything without me asking, and then a 'Nag'

It does look more and more like there's someone else. He's already has form for straying, and perhaps there's someone at the new job.

Why exactly do you want to stay with him?

Why don't you sit on the sofa too and sulk?

Lweji - I really don't know I like to think there isn't but I can't be sure not 100% anyway which isn't a nice feeling at all.

I do still love him but again I can't be sure he loves me and I think therein the problem lies.

I'm trying to get DCs to sleep and then I will go an sulk
Oh and have on the go too.

No, you must sulk before putting the children to bed.

Why is it always the women who get lumbered up with the responsibilities when the OH's sulk?

Oh how I wish I could sulk, I day dream about walking out the door with the car keys and not returning for a few hrs.
He would be .

I think he was this morning, I am a very non confrontational person and I do think he takes advantage of it because I let an awful lot of things 'go' . So when he shouted and I argued back and actually told him how it felt to be depressed and how he doesn't respect me etc he really didn't know what to say.
We argued infront of the children Nd made DD2 cry, we have never some that and I told him to stop and wait till they are in bed and he said 'so we can wake them up' to which I replied we didn't have to shout but actually talk about things. Again he just doesn't know how to I don't think he likes to sulk !

Hope it didn't come over like 20 Questions. It's often said on this board partners don't all realise that a loved cherished spouse is far more likely to reciprocate thoughtfulness than the one who's left to do the donkey work and is treated like a wayward housekeeper.

SJP83 probably suggested a hobby for yourself to give you a break or change of scene. While he is in this mindset I suspect he'd tantrum about it. Why shouldn't you be able to jog round the block or go swimming without him creating if you fancied so doing. .

The atmosphere can't be very harmonious for either of you, the younger DCs might be oblivious but your eldest will pick up on it. Loving him in spite of this doesn't mean you can fix this on your own. I know it hurts when someone you love treats you so poorly. Lweji used the word "entitled" earlier. He hasn't come up with solutions I take it, just dropped this in your lap. Your little ones are so young I am sorry he has so speedily adopted this attitude.

Are PILs or your parents near enough to babysit so you can go out together? To talk, away from distractions. I don't know if he has his eye on someone at work or whether he's just feeling his age and lashing out at you. It doesn't give him the right to coast along, blame you and barely lift a finger. A fine role model for DS later, (not).

Donkey - that's ok wasn't 20 questions at all

PIL live an hr away and my parents don't get on with DH and they haven't seen each other for 3 yrs so they wouldn't baby sit, plus they aren't those type of Gps.

I am getting the silent treatment at the moment, I suffer from anxiety to so my chest hurts and I can't breathe today or stop crying. This is not good for the children and I don't know where my head is at I just can't think straight at all.
He's out doing his hobby at the moment once he comes back I'm going out, to do the shopping but still going out. I am tempted to go and talk to my parents but don't like to Involve others ifswim.

This man isn't good marriage material.

With a history of internet cheating he is likely to escalate to real-life cheating if he hasn't already.

He treats you with a total lack of respect.

Maybe have a think about why you think this is OK.

That's good that you are getting out, although shopping isn't really you time unless it's for clothes but it's a start!
Re-reading what you've written, nowhere does he say he doesn't love you or the children or his home life...he doesn't like getting up and going to work and the whole groundhog day aspect. Could this be the underlying issue? Does he actually like his new job? Life can be pretty grueling if you hate your job. Perhaps this is depressing him.
You both sound pretty down. When was the last time you had some adult time. Maybe plan a meal out, drinks, a weekend away. Whatever circumstance and money allows. You might find you reconnect. At the very least you can talk without shouting and upsetting the children.
What is your goal from talking to him. Would you mind being responsible for housework if your husband came home and was a bit more caring? I don't think chores are the main issue here and if they are then they shouldn't be. Chores can remain undone until they get done. You, your children and marriage are more important.
If you can't think of a hobby perhaps you and your sister can go away for the day, spa, afternoon tea. Just get away. Everyone needs a break and your husband gets plenty of time away.

Have you had the talk with him?
Besides the silent treatment is he still doing nothing at home?

I think I would talk ti him if he's still giving you the silent treatment hen he goes back from his hobby.

Tell him how bad the silent treatment is for your depression and sew how he reacts. Tell him how much healthier it would be for you to actually not live with him. Maybe that you love him and want to stay married, but not if you are treated as a maid and he doesn't speak to you. That you have a groundhog life too and would love to make it more interesting together or separately with hobbies, but that it has to work for both. And to him to think very carefully about what he wants because he's making single life more and more attractive.

I really don't know why I think it's acceptable for him to treat me this way tbh.

He does infact like his job, he has spoken to me and told me he enjoys it, he had the opportunity to get a promotion a few weeks ago but said no for the time being as he is enjoying what he is doing and wants to be the best at it. He is excelling at what he's doing and being praised by higher management etc so I don't know I it's that.

The more and more I go over things the more I think he doesn't love me anymore

Sorry missed a question,

I don't mind doing the main bulk of the housework but would like help with the little things.
Emptying the dishwasher if it needs it, washing up a few things if it needs it, picking up after himself. Perhaps doing alittle cooking.

He used to cook all the time but hes changed so much like he just can't be bothered even down to changing DSs nappy in the morning will leave it til I get up and if I say anything I'm nagging him.

Lweji - we haven't spoken since the argument yesterday morning.

He has come back from the hobby with a couple of the blokes plus FIL. If he thinks I'm waiting on them all he can't fuck off.
He's gone to the shed to show them his hobby and when he's back in im going out.

The more I think about all of it the more I don't know if do want be here.
I am just a glorified maid who he gets to have sex with FFS why do I allow myself to be treated this way, I am not teaching my DDs anything good here or DS for that matter.

The thing is he used to be such a great husband we used to be great together and talk and he would help me and I honestly believed he worshipped me I don't feel like that anymore

Go out and get some air and take a breather. You need to talk to him because at the moment you, and everyone else on here is just guessing at what he's thinking. Can anyone babysit today at short notice while you both go for a walk or something? Whilst you may not solve anything immediately you might finally get to the bottom of how he's feeling and vice versa. It is important you talk without laying the blame and try not to just argue. So rather than 'you treat me like a maid' 'I feel like a maid' instead of 'you never help round the house' 'I need some help round the house'. Perhaps you are both mourning for a previous life where you were carefree!

For a start, don't mention the word "help".

The house and the children are not your responsibility alone. And he's not supposed to make you a favour by "helping".
He needs to do his fair share. He needs to step up as a parent, as a housemate and as a husband.
Leaving children with dirty nappies for the other is appalling and shows a serious lack of care towards the child.

He needs to do 50-50 (or close) when he's at home, weekdays and weekends.

He has dropped the bomb about separating, he's now giving the silent treatment while bringing in people to show who's in charge.
I think the time to pussyfooting is over. He's showing clear signs of abuse. I do think you need to come on strong on this, now.

Essentially, call his bluff.
Don't plead, don't ask nicely, as if he was the lord for you to try and get a scrap of good will.
He's in or he's out. And if he doesn't love you anymore, surely it's best to move on than to be treated like this.

Don't wait until they've gone - go down the shed now and say 'just popping out now' and let him be a pratt in front of his mates if he doesn't want to look after his dcs.

And if he says no, then tell him you need to have a conversation now, away or un front of the guests.

Well I went and asked for the car keys and he said he had to take the blokes back coz he had used out car to come back.

I've phoned my sister and she's going to take me shopping.

I think this is my point really he doesn't THINK about me, I am essentially stuck at home
In the week because he has the car for work, if I go it's a mission as I have the 2 DCs and DS is not good in the buggy and DD2 gets tired.
Anyway rather then say to FIL to follow him back and then he could leave the car for me and FIL could bring him back later he uses OUR car .
He just didn't think.

When the children go to bed later we will sit and talk because I can't deal with this anymore I need to know what's happening and what he wants.

Thanks for all your advise everyone.

Does that mean that again you are having the dcs?I'dbe tempted to say infront of his mates 'how long will you be ? you know I'm waiting'

I think I'd have just taken the keys anyway. They're grown men, they can sort their own fucking transport out!

I'd like to second the poster who said that this is abusive behaviour. I could have written a lot of what you've said here. I'm still living with it, and it doesn't get better. It gets worse. And worse. Like you, I can't believe that the man I'm with is the same person I met and had kids with. He's changed so much, and never for the better.