Feel like the OW is everywhere all of a sudden :-<

[Yogagirl17]

It's been almost two years since XH & I split when I discovered his affair with OW. But up until recently she's stayed pretty much under the radar. I guess they've decided that enough time has passed now that they can be seen together (I know for a fact they have told anyone who doesn't already know that they got together AFTER we split the lying cunts but that's beside the point). But then she moved to a flat only 1/2 mile away from me, moved her kids to the local school, started turning up at my kids' sports events, they (XH, DCs, OW & her DCs) all started going on holiday together etc. The kids are pretty careful not to talk about her too much but in my head I suddenly feel like everyfuckingthing is OW this, OW that.

On the one hand, I really don't think I care that the two of them are together. I feel very little when I look at XH these days. It's the whole happy families thing that's fucking with my head. I really hate that she's so involved my my kids' lives. I hate the idea that they might like her. I just...ugh, I don't even know!! And i think what makes it worse is that I haven't actually seen her in 2 years. Now that she lives round the corner I keep expecting to bump into her. I'm not afraid of seeing her..I just want to get it over with already!

Anyway, not looking for any advice, just need to get it off my chest.

So sorry. No wise words I'm afraid but it sounds as though you are behaving with absolute dignity. I'm sure the truth will out in the end - and your kids will grow up to know you were there for them, that is the most important thing. Wishing you strength.

The truth is I don't feel like behaving with dignity. I want to show up somewhere i know she will be and make her feel like I belong there and she doesn't. I want to make her squirm and feel uncomfortable. I want to ask my kids if they like her. I hope the DCs behave very badly in her company. I dream of her getting hit in the face with a hockey ball. So far I have done none of these things.

Good on you! Vent here. Do nothing in RL. Bloody difficult, but best for the DC in the long run.

Would it be very bad to ask DCs if they like her?

That must be crappy for you, just hope that she is also worrying about bumping into you too. As far as the DCs, try to be thankful that they like her and are having fun with her DCs. I know it must be hard to know she's playing happy families after what she did to your family, but imagine that your DCs hated her, that she didn't want them around and XH sided with her, it would be awful.

You are the established one at school, your friends know the truth about her, so just try to rise above it/her and be glad that your DCs have lots of people who love them.

I wouldn't ask them. If they say yes you'll be sad and they'll feel guilty. If they say no, you'll worry about them spending time with her and you'll feel guilty.

As in, you'll feel bad for being glad they dislike her! I know I would. A little part of me would be gleeful, but another part of me would feel really mean for putting them on the spot and being happy that they dislike someone who could be in their lives for a long time.

I wouldn't feel the slightest bit bad if they hated her but I would feel guilty for putting them on the spot. So what can I do to stop this from eating away at me?

What a crap situation to be in. I really feel for you. Don't know what goes thro some peoples minds.

Don't ask them! Vent and rant in private, safe places and just hold your dignity in public. Its hard I dread going out and bumping into 'them' and I know its awful, I dress better and put makeup on etc just in case, it effects me even when I think I'm ok with it!!!

Why can't she just fuck off back to the hole she crawled out of? I honestly don't think I would mind if he were with someone new.

cjel I know what you mean - I don't exactly dread going out but I'm always 'alert' and looking round. The only thing that comforts me is the thought that she probably dreads it more than I do.

I've got no words of wisdom but just to say I know how you feel. My ex left around the same time for OW. I'm really over the heartbreak etc. but the thought of her playing happy families with my little boy makes my blood boil and my heart break all at the same time. He's only 2 and has only mentioned her twice ever but the second time was to say she's nice. Obviously I'm glad she's being nice to him but somehow I still hate the fact he likes her.

I have never seen her. I never want to to be honest.

Don't ask if they like her. It doesn't matter - and one day they'll know what she did and their opinion of her will change. If they do seem to like her now, just try to be glad she is treating them well.

My mum went through this when we were younger (my sister and I), but we were always happiest with our mum, even though I love my dad to pieces.

are you with anyone else at the moment?

Oh and I agree with the not caring if he was with somebody else. I feel like that.

I also sometimes wish I was with someone else so he would have to deal with that - I know that sounds ridiculous but I can't help it!

I think it might be easier when you do see her. You have all the hurt of the infidelity and all the upheaval and everything else - 2 years is a long time to carry that around with you, and it must have just built up and up. When you see a (probably) frazzled looking normalish woman she may seem less scary, less threatening.

I would think about what you will say if and when you do unexpectedly bump into her - have a line prepared so that you can be ready. It doesn't have to be an Oscar Wilde-like witticism, but just something so that you can feel later that you didn't panic at the time.

I agree with not asking the kids what they think of her. There's no good answer. You are being strong and dignified so stick with it.

the thought of her playing happy families with my little boy makes my blood boil and my heart break all at the same time

Exactly tortillas. It just feels so wrong. I have met her - once. It was when they were having the affair - I knew about her but didn't yet know exactly what was going on (the signs were all there but I was in denial).

Schmaltzing (love the name by the way) - smiling and looking vaguely pittying is exactly the look I'm going for. I've heard she's quite insecure (through 3rd party sources) so I can only hope that if I seem quietyly confident it will make her squirm at least a little. I tried for a while to be super-nice to XH in the hopes it would be disconcerting for her but he was just too much of ass to keep it up Lol!

But I know asking the kids is a bad idea and I won't do it. They're old enough to be a little uncomfortable about her anyway so I know I shouldn't add to that. I know this because one of DD's friends asked her recently who she was going to an event with (she was going with OW) and DD didn't want to tell her friend.

And yes, I am seeing someone else myself. He's very nice but I'm still not 100% sure about him so haven't wanted to introduce the DCs.

I feel your pain OP.
My DS who is only a year old will be going to stay with ex, OW and her child soon.
I'm dreading it. The thought of them playing happy families with the baby I've raised alone since he was born (as his father was busy moving in with her and her child but he has now decided he wants to be Disney dad)
I've read the comments on this thread with interest, but I'm insisting on meeting OW before they take my baby.
My ex met with her husband, so I'm expecting the same curtesy. Frankly, I don't know how I'll contain my disgust, but I hope it will humanise her a little, though she's not even considered her own child in the whole mess, and certainly didn't give a shit about mine...
Anyway, hand holding OP, be brave and strong.

Thanks Twinkle - very brave of you to insist on meeting her. They all suddenly want to be Disney dads after the fact, don't they?

I don't feel brave at all Yogagirl!
She's 12 years younger than me and gorgeous, while I'm carrying 2 extra stones of baby weight...
Anyway, I'm going to be at my withering best, if only I could decide what I want to say to her. I've told my ex just me and her. Not him, kids...
If I were her I'd be crapping myself

If I were her I'd be crapping myself

Exactly Twinkle! Doesn't matter how old she is or what she looks like - holding the moral high ground does wonders for one's confidence and that's something she will never have! Please let us know how it goes.

Will do

Joining you a bit late OP.

I've never seen OW because, thankfully, ex moved away to be with her. But our DD lives with me. She's never met OW and doesn't want to. She knows everything because she knew before me about the affair.

In a way I believe OW's who become DP have more reason to feel insecure. If my ex has been completely honest about himself she will have to wonder what kind of man she's hooked herself up with even if she doesn't scrutinise her own morality. If she's indifferent (or in denial ) about how they got together she will wonder if he'll do it to her and will find it hard to feel indifferent about that (if he matters to her enough, that is). So really, I see OW as shouldering, or denying, all the insecurities I lived with for so long.

The way I see it is that the DC's don't have to live with that because she's not and never will be their DM. They can have the 'nice' bits if they choose to and come back to you who is the one constant influence in their lives.