Feel like the OW is everywhere all of a sudden :-<

[Yogagirl17]

It's been almost two years since XH & I split when I discovered his affair with OW. But up until recently she's stayed pretty much under the radar. I guess they've decided that enough time has passed now that they can be seen together (I know for a fact they have told anyone who doesn't already know that they got together AFTER we split the lying cunts but that's beside the point). But then she moved to a flat only 1/2 mile away from me, moved her kids to the local school, started turning up at my kids' sports events, they (XH, DCs, OW & her DCs) all started going on holiday together etc. The kids are pretty careful not to talk about her too much but in my head I suddenly feel like everyfuckingthing is OW this, OW that.

On the one hand, I really don't think I care that the two of them are together. I feel very little when I look at XH these days. It's the whole happy families thing that's fucking with my head. I really hate that she's so involved my my kids' lives. I hate the idea that they might like her. I just...ugh, I don't even know!! And i think what makes it worse is that I haven't actually seen her in 2 years. Now that she lives round the corner I keep expecting to bump into her. I'm not afraid of seeing her..I just want to get it over with already!

Anyway, not looking for any advice, just need to get it off my chest.

Morning Memphis.

Yes totally agree that OWs have more reason to feel insecure because of how they got together. Depends on how narcisstic they are - I think the men tend to be more so than the women (could be make a hugely wrong generalisation here but lets go with it for a minute). By that I mean, I think the men are better at convincing themselves they are not "cheaters" as such, it was just their unique particular circumstances (ie YOU) that made them cheat.

To some degree its the fact that they get the "nice" bits and I have to be the "PARENT" all the time that makes it worse though, don't you think? I'm the one who has to make sure homework gets done, teeth get brushed, bedtimes are seen to, work uniforms are replaced, kids are battering each other etc, etc. They get to go to concerts and the movies and the ice rink and on holiday and swimming and all the other stuff XH suddenly seems to have money to pay for. (I don't grudge the kids these activities at all BTW! Thrilled they get to have fun even if I can't afford it). It's that she gets to do all that to while I have to do everything else.

Um...that should say "kids aren't battering each other"!!

Morning...

Sorry you're going through this yoga girl.
No advice other than I wanted to say I understand you feeling gutted about the fun activities the ow gets to experience and Disney dad having all the fun. BUT you are the real parent, doing the homework, the school runs etc er means you are the one shaping your dc little lives, your the one helping to develop their characters, morals etc etc. I know it doesn't really help but be assured that you are your dc's rock and your ex and ow are playing at it.

Oh Yogagirl. It is indeed very hard. My ex-H OW lived in different city and whilst it was horrid for my v. young son to be packed off for huge drive on his w/ends with his Dad easier (for me, not son) that now. She moved to our City a year ago and in very similar circumstances - they laid low for 2 years so people could forget the whole adultery thing whilst I was going through IVF (denied of course but phone/bank statements say different) - is now around (although about 45 mins away so no bumping into but school events/sports).

My son has known here since he was 2.5 and now aged nearly 6 loves her. Of course he does as he can't remember a time when he didn't know her. And she is the wonderful princess that never shouts at him. And it breaks my heart when he tells me although of course I am positive back. But without sounding too Pollyannish - the alternative would be awful. To pack him off to someone that was mean to him and whom he didn't like. Don't get me wrong; dark moments I fantasise about (at least metaphorically) smacking her in her collagen inflated lips with her designer handbag (purchased by ex who can't "afford" half of swimming lessons and how has not paid child support this month as he just threw huge fancy thousands of dollar 40th for her - but I try and remind myself the very true adage that I love my son more than I hate my ex and her and force myself to be positive.

It is hard that they get to be the 'fun' parents but I think over time, kids see it for what it is - albeit enjoying all they get. We have an odd situation where my son is 'Cinderella' to hers - ex has taken her and her son on luxury holidays etc. (never taken my son with), he son goes to our City's most expensive private school (ours goes to local public which is fine but...), ex won't take our son to local sporting things but will take him to step sons. I kind of hope my son will never figure that part out really...

...anyway, all I really want to say is it is HARD so good luck my darling x

Believe me, their relationship won't last. You've heard the old saying 'The man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy'. You will have the last laugh!

In the meantime, maintain your dignity exactly as you are doing. You have the moral high ground. Be pleased that she is engaged with your kids - they will see the truth eventually, but it's good for them for now to get on well with her.

Yoga, I really do feel for you, it must be horrible seeing the OW everywhere.

However, I can tell you from personal experience that it is AWFUL if your DC do not get on with their dads new partner. One of my DC really doesn't like his stepmum and it causes me loads of anxiety and lots of problems in the family. My other child doesn't like the partners kids and refuses to spend time with them. It's all very difficult and I can honestly say I get no pleasure from it at all.

Just think of your kids and concentrate on thinking that you want them to be happy. If that means they have a tolerable working relationship with OW then it really is better for all of you.

It sounds like you are doing a really good job of holding the moral high ground here but if you can get round this last sticking point I reckon you will feel much better.

My exes ow turned out to be an abusive nightmare.Exe was in denial for about 6 months before they finally split pretending it was all fine or it was my fault that they argued etc.Keep your dignity hold your head up high.She will be trembling,My exes ow used to scream abuse at me at pick ups down the phone etc.My children were terrified of her.To this day I have never spoken to her or acknowledged her in any way.While it is not at all nice to have another woman parent your child,hold on to the fact that on the surface at least she's not doing any damage to your child.Its in your child's best interests to have a good relationship with his father.My Exe ow was 18 years you get than me and very much slimmer.In the begining it made me feel rubbish but I lost the weight,sorted myself out a bit and that helped.
I always used to say to my ex remember your setting the acceptable level ,if the shoe was on the other foot and a new partner of mine was doing these things what would you think and feel.That usually gives them pause because you may well start a new relationship and that person may well appear to have the "dad" role.Most men would really not like that.

I feel for you because my ex wife has done the same if not more when she left and took the kids with and she is making it extremely difficult for me to even see my kids on top of that she met a new block and she is pregnant all this in less than a year. At least you are seeing your kids and you are being a nice person by letting them have a normal relationship with their father

Fortyplus I like your post

Matilda you are funny

downunder that is really rubbish that he give more to OW's son that to his own - how awful. I suppose I can take some comfort in the fact that XH wouldn't do that. He might tell me he has no money for me (for silly things like mortage/school uniform!) while buying OW's kids expensive presents but I know my DCs would at least get the same.

fortyplus

itsjustplaying I'm sorry, I can't imagine how people do that. XH has been truly truly horrible to me, verging on abusive, over the last two years but I know he treats the kids well so I have never stood in the way of them seeing him regularly. It's just that now, seeing him seems to mean seeing her too.

You certainly shouldn't be playing 20 questions with them, but you do need to reassure them that you know that she and their father are together, that you understand that they will be going out and doing fun things, and that you want them to be having fun, and that they shouldn't feel that they need to hide it from you.

And then do your best to paste on a smile onto your face whenever they mention what they have done.....

I don't play 20 questions with them - as much as I would love to, I don't. And I do make sure they know that I know they spend time with her and that it's totally fine. I mean, it's not really fine - especially when OW and DD go to concerts together!!..but I tell them it's fine and they shouldn't feel like they have to keep things from me.

I completely understand how you feel and have a friend going through this with 3 children.Dolly makes a great point, if the children didn't like her it would be more painful for your children.

Just be reassured your children will value your hard work as a mum, as they get older they realise this.My daughter is now at uni and really appreciates how I was the person who raised her even if her dad did more of the fun stuff.

I am now a stepmum, never the OW, and its a hard job.My step daughter is lovely but she's not my daughter and my role is to be supportive but I don't get the rewards a mum gets.Have a quick look over on stepfamilies board,step families are not naturally fun its work...if you meet her, her smile will not be real!

Yogagirl I know what you mean about being the 'parent' whilst she gets the nice bits. I get almost all the shit along with the nice bits because my DD doesn't really have a 'relationship' based on anything other than money with her DF now. He's a SF to OWs own DC's now and there are 4 of them compared to one of DD.

But I know for sure that DD has the measure of her DF much better than I ever did. One day your DD will ask you what happened (if she hasn't already) and one day she can hear from you what she hasn't by then figured out for herself. In the meantime those of us who have been where you are now will get on with it. I used to think it was trite to hear that OW have created a vacancy but guess what? My DS saw ex with yet another woman some months ago. could have been entirely innocent, of course. But knowing what I know now? I doubt it.

I can absolutely sympathise same thing happening to me. She is moving up near my small village and intending to put her kids in our small village school. Playing the happy family game. Except she wad ex first wife! Same old cracks will appear when she realises he is the same old drunk abusive bastard she divorced! Still makes me want to move away though.

Just to throw a curveball in here, I'm a single Mum of three kids, since ex decided he wanted out earlier this year. I've suspected an OW but if there is/was he's never going to admit it.

I've as good as told him (and this may make me a Grade A Bitch!) that if that is the case he and OW will never get to play happy families with our children. Over my dead body. If he meets someone new down the line, that's different, but an OW? No chance. And I really do feel that strongly about it.

Bollocks to being dignified, higher ground and all that. If she wants him, well then she's more than welcome but the kids? No way.

But that's just me

But heartbroken how on earth would you stop it? Do you mean you would actually stop your DC from seeing their father?
My DM did this, because of the OW, and I never forgave her.
Your kids needs are surely more important than your injured pride, and in time you will move on and be over it. It really isn't fair to ruin your kids relationship with their dad because the relationship between the parents has broken down, no matter whose fault it is.

If you go down this route you risk your own relationship with your kids.

Heartbreak, I left H 2 years ago because of OW and my Dcs 31 and 29 won't let their dcs have anything to do with her!! My dd says 'Dad I'm talking to you now so lets just leave it at that' So I understand that, I'm not sure you are wrong

Memphis I do hear a lot of people say that the DCs will have the measure of their dad soon enough. Maybe the will but he's so clever and so manipulative and for now they seem to idolise him. I'm very careful not to put him down to the DCs but I know for a fact he is not so restrained! He doesn't hesitate to tell them he thinks I'm lying or being unfair to them or whatever nonsense is filling his head at the moment.

Sowain OW also left an abusive & cheating ex! AT least I feel safe in the knowledge I would never make that mistake twice!

I think if I ever do bump into her, a simple "he'll do it again you know" and a wink would be the perfect way to inflict the maximum amount of doubt & distress with the minimum of effort.

the perfect way to inflict the maximum amount of doubt & distress with the minimum of effort.

No, you'd be better off alluding to some continued liaison with you, look shocked when you realise she never knew and swiftly yet awkwardly change the subject.

Or was that just me?

Ursula

well, it's not something I actually have to deal with because it hasn't happened. But I'd tell him he has to come here and see the kids or, if he took them out and I discovered OW was there (which would mightily piss me off without ever meeting the woman!), I'd stop him from taking them off again.

If someone contributes to wrecking a child's family (and I fully understand it takes two to tango, but if that's true then she's as much to blame as he is), then why the hell should she then play a part in my kids' life? As far as I'm concerned OW have no place in the lives of children whose home-lives they have helped to disrupt. So, yeah, I would cause merry hell.

Do your DC know she was the OW? If they don't now I'm sure they will work it out when they are older.

And I don't think any of us fully appreciate what our parents did (or didn't) do for us until we are grown up, or have dc ourselves.

They will appreciate what you have done one day and it will make your relationship with them stronger as adults, I truly believe that.

The thing is it is impossible to police long term.
If someone has fallen out of love with their partner and stupidly/selfishly embarked on another relationship then does that really justify them losing contact with their DC? I don't think so.

What about all the mums on here, and no, I am not one of them, who have had affairs and now live with the OM. Should they have their kids taken away from them?

heartbroken I understand how you feel. The OW (and I mean this in a general sense, not just my own personal situation) is a cheater and a liar who doesn't deserve even the tiniest bit of respect. You owe her exactly nothing. And I remember how absolutely fucking furious I was the first time I found out the DCs had met her (they thought they had "accidentally" bumped into her at their favourite restaurant...accident my ass). I swear to god I was ready to put a hole in something - preferably XH's face.

However...the kids have a good relationship with their dad and despite the fact that he is a lying piece of shit, it's important that he be part of their life. If I start refusing to let him see them if she is around then any or all of the following will happen:

-he will just lie to me
-he will force the kids to lie to me or at the very least put them in the position that they feel they have to keep things from me
-i could refuse contact in which case the DCs would be furious with me and drive them even closer to him, he could get lawyers involved or stop child support payments

Any way I look at it, unless I think she's being abusive or my kids say they hate her, I have little choice in the matter.

(Of course that doesn't mean I can't make sure all the parents at the hockey games know exactly who she is...)