Feel like the OW is everywhere all of a sudden :-<

[Yogagirl17]

It's been almost two years since XH & I split when I discovered his affair with OW. But up until recently she's stayed pretty much under the radar. I guess they've decided that enough time has passed now that they can be seen together (I know for a fact they have told anyone who doesn't already know that they got together AFTER we split the lying cunts but that's beside the point). But then she moved to a flat only 1/2 mile away from me, moved her kids to the local school, started turning up at my kids' sports events, they (XH, DCs, OW & her DCs) all started going on holiday together etc. The kids are pretty careful not to talk about her too much but in my head I suddenly feel like everyfuckingthing is OW this, OW that.

On the one hand, I really don't think I care that the two of them are together. I feel very little when I look at XH these days. It's the whole happy families thing that's fucking with my head. I really hate that she's so involved my my kids' lives. I hate the idea that they might like her. I just...ugh, I don't even know!! And i think what makes it worse is that I haven't actually seen her in 2 years. Now that she lives round the corner I keep expecting to bump into her. I'm not afraid of seeing her..I just want to get it over with already!

Anyway, not looking for any advice, just need to get it off my chest.

Heartbroken and Yogagirl - for me one of the very hard things to come to terms with was the fact that (and I'm in a different country so possibly a little different) is the lack of 'control' that you have when you are left by a partner.

My son met with OW (ex didn't tell me - first time he met her he was taken 6 hours each way in car and they woke up aged 3 and went into Daddy's bed which had OW in it . I then wanted to meet her as son was so little but 'wasn't allowed'. So many friends did and so say, oh I could never do that, I could never let my DS stay with someone I didn't know, I could never let OW go to football game etc. Well, certainly over here, the is nothing that you can do about it. It is 'illegal'. You can't dictate who the other parent spends time with, where they go and what they do. And to withdraw (not that I would personally wish to do that) visitation would mean legal action. We are a few years in but when well meaning friends would say 'oh I couldn't be away from my son at that age for x nights' I just wanted to scream 'Nor do I'.....its the choices and 'rights' that others take for granted that (in my opinion) is so hard to deal with.

Yoga - thanks for commiserations...it sucks....but son not aware of at this point and hoping that it changes as OW settles into new city and ex isn't quite led by the balls arsehole so bending over backwards to please her and her son.....

x

downunder you've hit the nail on the head. One of the worst things is the lack of control. I can tell my ex that I insist on meeting her or that I never want to see her or that I do/don't want my kids to see her. It really makes not one blind bit of difference what I say - he's going to do exactly what he likes anyway. And you're right - a lot of people don't understand that. Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it!

Short of picking my DCs up and fucking off back to my own home where XH would hardly ever see them (which would be illegal and I would NOT do it) I have almost zero control over how and when he sees them. We have an arrangement in place but there's actually no way to enforce it. He seems them somewhat regularly according to our arrangement, but the second it doesn't suit him...he just changes or cancels it. Usually that's done by him simply deleting his visit from our shared electronic calendar. Doesn't consult me. Doesn't so much as ask if it's convenient for me. Just deletes and assumes I will pick up the pieces. And never bothers to reschedule a cancelled visit even if its 3 or 4 weeks in a row. Whereas if I try and change our schedule he just says no. Because the kids live primarily with me, there is pretty much nothing I can do about it. If he wants them, he turns up. If he doesn't, he stays away. It's not as if I can just drop them on his doorstep and leave. And it's not as if I can tell them they can't go with him when he's here. They are 10 & 12 so old enough to communicate with him independently and walk out the door of their own accord. If I tell them they can't see him, then they hate me.

So I am totally at his mercy. And that's the thing that fucks me off the most!

yogagirl were we married to dopplegangers? My son sees Dad every other Thurs and every other w/end fri - through monday morning yet twice in same month has sent me email "Dolly, I am travelling overseas I cannot have DS on Thurs I have told him"....no question, no politeness.....and ex does not pay sufficient child support to allow me not to work pretty much full time so load meetings and work for the times he has DS...huge reorganization on my part and, like you, not reciprocated.

Nothing productive to add just a huge I feel your pain. I'm in an easier situation in that I am 40 mins away so not in same place so only have the weekends he is scheduled with him overlap for school fetes etc exclusion (ie I can't go as they are going).

I don't 'bad mouth' them as such BUT I will be honest in that in situations where I feel they are in the wrong ie we have over here a kind of beach scouts that ex refuses to take son where his friends go (in our town) so I have to drive to his town on the off w/ends so son can belong to one club - I don't shy away from - only if conversation goes that way with fellow parents - letting them know that am only here as ex refuses to take him to his home town activity.....net net its the truth so f**k him if he doesn't want it repeated......also 3 weeks in and no child support and son told me that daddy bought OW an audi for her 40th....makes sense but seriously!!! and btw ex earns hundreds of thousands so NO excuse.......solidarity from Australia from me -- I FEEL your pain xx

yogagirl were we married to dopplegangers?

You know what downunder - they're just all the same. They all think they are unique and special and have good, special reasons for doing what they do, but the bottom line is they are all just one big cliche.

I'm like you - I don't 'bad mouth' ex but when friends or other parents ask questions I don't shy away from the truth. When people ask, I tell them exactly why we got divorced. When I'm having trouble with one of the DCs and they ask if I get support from XH I tell them of course I do - if support means him telling me he's happy to help because he's such an amazing dad (his actual words lol!) and I'm a bad mother. Sometimes he accuses me of spreading lies about him but the fact is I don't have to lie for him to look bad. I am a little more careful about what I say to the DCs but even there I will never lie to them.

And in the interest of global solidarity - I hope your DS throws up all over her fucking Audi. ;)