In a muddle

[AuntieBrenda]

I am at a loss of what to do. Been with my DH for about 9 years, married 4 and have a DS 2.
For a while now I think I could say that I've resigned myself to the idea that my marriage is failing. We argue - sometimes quite loudly and angrily - we don't spend much time together and rarely have sex. I just feel so unlovable. In every area of my life, people really like me. I'm a good, kind person. I work hard and try to be good to others. I just don't know why me and DH are like this? At times, we have a laugh and get on but this is not often.
I just don't know what I want or why I'm writing this really. I fantasise about having a home for just me and DS and living a different life, if I'm honest, feeling the excitement of meeting someone new and feeling desired.
I know that alone, I would struggle with child are and I am fearful of PILs influence as they are wealthy and could get good solicitors etc for DH and he may get more time with DS.
I don't know what I want here really, maybe some hand holding or a kick up the arse
I feel lonely in my marriage
We went for counselling some time ago but obviously things are not working

He's upstairs with DS and I'm sat here crying
Someone just say something to me

you sound very lonely. This situation is doing you no good at all.

You sound a lovely person. It is time for you to move on. Sometimes relationships just don't work.

Holding your hand.

I am very sorry.

What would you like to happen? Is there still love?

Have you tried to have a frank talk with him?
(((Hugs)))

Thanks both
We have many frank talks - just go around in circles
I think I still love him. I don't know if I like him all the time.

What do you argue about? How do you resolve differences?

There are some up and downs in relationships but there is also unacceptable behaviours or deal breakers.

You have a young son, life is hard with little children, huge life change.

I would say that it is worth you trying counselling again but perhaps you need to find a different one who understands better what you want from it.

We argue about the way we speak to each other - being short, arsey etc (that sounds weird written down)
We arge about diff views regarding DS
I think that he just can't take being wrong, he's defensive. I do know that I'm a bit like a dog with a bone and I struggle to let things go. I also feels he completely undervalues my career (teacher, respected and take part in lots of training projects)
We usually argue until I'm completely spent with crying or we are in a rage. It's not good at all.
I haven't looked at him and thought wow, I love you for such a long while. I've come to dread the weekends when I know he'll be with us as it's just hard work being around him.

I feel sorry for myself and for DS and for him
I'm a bit scared of PIL and how they could bulldoze me out of my sons life

To be honest, if you're thinking about life without him, I think it is over.

My DH drives me mad at times, I dislike him at times, he has his many flaws (and I have mine) but the thought of splitting is absolutely incomprehensible. I couldn't even start to think about it.

You've mentally disengaged - and you're not wrong for doing this, but I don't know if you can come back from this and live a long life with this man.

Time to move on, sweetie. You only get one life.

I think you may be right Bin, and it frightens me

Your PILs have no authority here. Money doesn't change the law, and the law is overwhelmingly in favour of maternal care for DC. Your husband will get to see him a lot, and that's great if he's a good dad, but you will be the primary carer, no matter how much money they have.

Really? I keep reading on here about primary cater getting custody and we both work FT so I'm worried it could be twisted in his favour

Brenda, why don't you see a solicitor just to allay your fears about your DS? Many will give half an hour free advice and even if you pay it will be money well spent for your peace of mind.
Even if you don't decide to split it will give you factual information about your situation in the event of an eventual parting.

I was thinking of doing this actually
And a financial advisor

I wish I could have the relationship with DH that we used to have.

I think maybe it's gone too far to salvage - we love DS but I don't think we get joy from each other

My situation was different as my STBXH was abusive, in the end at least. But once I started thinking of a life without him it was the beginning of the end. I only stayed after that because of how downtrodden I had become. You only get one life. Don't live it unhappily. Take advice and start planning.

I think having a fantasy life is healthy and will help to keep you sane,

What would your life be like if you stayed with Dh and could fall in love again and get on? would you want that?
Would you like to get counselling to work on your relationship or would you like to get counselling in the hope of separating?
I also think if you get legal advice and know you options a bit better you won't feel so trapped.

You're describing an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. One in which your achievements are belittled and your opinion is neither respected nor taken seriously. An atmosphere of constant bickering and no affection is unhealthy for both you and your DS. Your confidence is low, you're upset and you're frightened.... none of this is acceptable or normal. You seem to believe that money can buy him custody and you'll find, after just a short consultation with a family solicitor, that that is quite wrong. Because the law starts from the point of 'what is best for the child' couples are encouraged to agree a shared parenting arrangement, either through mediation or court.

Get some proper information, make some inquiries and talk to people IRL (a friend or someone in your family?). Start to rebuild your confidence by working with facts rather than assumptions. Good luck

Thanks to all for the replies
Today I feel scared and a bit like a traitor
If he's up for it, I will try and talk again when DS has gone to bed tonight

Can you have a trial separation?

I was thinking about that - I don't know where we'd go though. Maybe I could ask him to go to his parents. I also need to get access to our money. I don't think he'd rip me off but I would need money if we split.

I also need to get access to our money.

Why and how come you don't have access?
Do you even know what the accounts are?

Please don't think he wouldn't rip you off.

I work and have my own account and we have a joint account for bills
We have been saving and I don't have the card whatever for that account
Also, DS has a savings account that DH manages
I hadn't gone through the lady few years expecting to split so I was fine with DH managing those accounts

That, right there, is the biggest red flag so far.

OP: if you don't have unconditional joint access to family money you are being abused or in immediate danger of it. In every single breakup I've known any financial imbalance has been used to the full by the dominant side, including outright fraud.

Please tell us that you're on the mortgage/tenancy.

Yes I'm on the mortgage and insurance etc