In a muddle

[AuntieBrenda]

I am at a loss of what to do. Been with my DH for about 9 years, married 4 and have a DS 2.
For a while now I think I could say that I've resigned myself to the idea that my marriage is failing. We argue - sometimes quite loudly and angrily - we don't spend much time together and rarely have sex. I just feel so unlovable. In every area of my life, people really like me. I'm a good, kind person. I work hard and try to be good to others. I just don't know why me and DH are like this? At times, we have a laugh and get on but this is not often.
I just don't know what I want or why I'm writing this really. I fantasise about having a home for just me and DS and living a different life, if I'm honest, feeling the excitement of meeting someone new and feeling desired.
I know that alone, I would struggle with child are and I am fearful of PILs influence as they are wealthy and could get good solicitors etc for DH and he may get more time with DS.
I don't know what I want here really, maybe some hand holding or a kick up the arse
I feel lonely in my marriage
We went for counselling some time ago but obviously things are not working

Sorry, x-post.

Could be better; are the savings accs in both names?

It sounds awful but I don't know! I will find out

Savings and DS's money - probably about 10 grand altogether

OK.

A professional can give you real advice, but the next step is going to be The Talk. Wishing you courage and good luck.

For a start, stop putting money into "his" saving account and the one he has on your DS's name.
Open one yourself and transfer gift money into there instead.
Also open your own savings account and transfer money into there.

Do you have ISAs? They are a good excuse to have money only in your name.

It sounds to me like you still live each other and that in itself is worth a lot. It does sound like you need to work on how you talk and treat each other though. You maybe have fallen into a pattern and can't seem ti change the way you converse. Sometimes it just takes one of you to change things. If you were to talk to him like you would a good friend for a week and see how that works. There are some brilliant books out there on how to turn things around. Out of interest, if you dud split up and you saw him dating another woman, how would you feel?

Thanks both
This sounds unbelievably sneaky - do you think I should sort out the money before having The Talk? I'm concerned that he could just not split the money if we decided to split IYSWIM

sorry for errors....on phone

Milly - if I think about him with another woman, I feel a bit numb. I certainly don't feel raging jealousy.
I don't know what I think tbh.

I wish it could be like it was before and then I wouldn't be breaking up DS's family

Why can't it be like it was before though? You both treated each other differently then. Can't you get back to that. He doesn't sound a bad man. Kids Di change things, it's bloody hard. They change the dynamics of the couple you once were dont they. I've come through all that. Kids are now grown up but we lost each other for awhile there. Nearly split up. So glad we didn't and we found each other again. We are now a couple again and more in love than ever. It took work though and we re learnt how to communicate with each other.

It's just so fucking sad - he is a good man really. We are just not making each other happy.
We went to relate before - maybe we should go again?
If he doesn't want to talk to me about this tonight then I think I know it's over. This is a frightening thing to say but if it was just a case of me, then I'd leave today.

what about sex and intimacy?

before me and my ex split having v.little of it was (in hinsight) first sign us growing apart....

Not much sex - 2 yr old, enough said
Intimacy, on and off.
I do feel undesired by him tbh.

Do you know what the most ironically bonkers thing is? This afternoon I'm off to do a for your eyes only photoshoot for his Xmas present that I bought and paid for ages ago! Life is really fucking weird. I can't not go. It cost loads.

This is such a psychological mindfuck isn't it!

Maybe I should give him the photos and just scream love me again! Let's remember why we got together in the first place!
I will probably cry all the way home

Tell him how you feel like you have told us. Tell him that you want to have the relationship back with him that you once had. Ask him how he feels about the relationship and ask him if and why he is unhappy with it too. I didn't use relate I just got lots of books on the subject and once I started relating differently to DH I found he started relating differently to me. It was amazing to realise that it was possible. Within weeks things had changed for the better.

Milly - could you recommend any books please?

It sounds to me like you still love him. It doesn't sound like a relationship that is worth throwing away just yet but I think you both need to put tour cards on the table. You also need to ask him if he still loves you???

I will
I must do this tonight

Good luck but try to approach it positively and from a " I feel" perspective rather than an " you make me feel" one.

Books......yes I can. One excellent one is Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis. It's American but brilliant. It gives amazing marriage saving techniques that you can use alone or with DH. Though DHs tend to not be into that stuff. It really can turn things around. There is an online forum too. I have others but that was the best.

What stops you spending much time together?

Go get the photos done. It's a really lovely present. Set a time limit ...say six months and learn about relationships all over again. I know people will say why should you do all the work but someone's got to. And it sounds like a relationship worth saving.

What's a "for your eyes only" photo shoot? Is it what it sounds like? If so it sounds as though you'd be putting yourself in a vulnerable position at a not very safe time.

Agree with Milly, have a good talk, find out if you both want to get back to having a good relationship.

I was in a similar situation last year. DH came from a shouty kind of family. His first reaction to any stress is to shout and swear, but 5 mins later he's like nothing had happened and is back to normal. I meanwhile would be feeling upset and peed off. for about an hour

I'd just had enough of it, and we did have a serious talk about splitting. We both realised we wanted it to work and came up with ideas on how we should talk/resolve things calmly. DH also had some counselling about childhood issues. Things are 100% better than they were last year.

I hope you can have a talk and things can be worked out.

To all those who have helped me - thank you
We have had The Talk. He was quite shocked when I mentioned separation. I'm not going to be telling all the details about what was said but we are going to try and work it out. I have been honest and told him that as much as I'm going to commit to try and work it out, I can't help being mentally prepared for it to not do so.
Thanks to all again and milly, I've ordered that book for both me and DH to read

He is also going to write down details of all bank accounts and show me statements etc tomorrow