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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In a muddle

64 replies

AuntieBrenda · 08/11/2013 20:06

I am at a loss of what to do. Been with my DH for about 9 years, married 4 and have a DS 2.
For a while now I think I could say that I've resigned myself to the idea that my marriage is failing. We argue - sometimes quite loudly and angrily - we don't spend much time together and rarely have sex. I just feel so unlovable. In every area of my life, people really like me. I'm a good, kind person. I work hard and try to be good to others. I just don't know why me and DH are like this? At times, we have a laugh and get on but this is not often.
I just don't know what I want or why I'm writing this really. I fantasise about having a home for just me and DS and living a different life, if I'm honest, feeling the excitement of meeting someone new and feeling desired.
I know that alone, I would struggle with child are and I am fearful of PILs influence as they are wealthy and could get good solicitors etc for DH and he may get more time with DS.
I don't know what I want here really, maybe some hand holding or a kick up the arse
I feel lonely in my marriage
We went for counselling some time ago but obviously things are not working

OP posts:

Lweji · 09/11/2013 21:44

Sounds promising. I hope you do work it out. :)

However, I truly think he needs to do more than that, financially. You need to control at least half of the savings. And not only shared accounts, in your name only, as he probably will keep too.

Viviennemary · 09/11/2013 21:52

You say you think still love him. Well surely that's a good start. Day to day getting on with somebody can be difficult. But your in-laws should not be having a big say in your life. Is the biggest problem financial. I think you have to think about the things that are going wrong and if these can be improved then there is hope. You shouldn't be putting your savings into an account that you don't have access to.

ExcuseTypos · 09/11/2013 21:55

Auntie Brenda- sounds positive.

MillyRules · 09/11/2013 22:42

Im so glad it went well Auntie. Surprising what talking can do. Even if he doesn't read the book, you can and you can change it around. It takes work but we are not taught about how to maintain relationships after the "Happy Ever After". Children always change things and you both end up feeling lost. Good Luck and feel free to pm me if I can be of any help.

cjel · 09/11/2013 23:13

Wishing you both all the bestx

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/11/2013 00:57

Oh, well done OP.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/11/2013 08:00

I just hope you're not being fobbed off OP. Very common indeed for someone to promise big changes when they think the game's up.... also very common for them to wait until the dust settles, buy themselves a little time, and then go straight back to old habits. Please exercise zero tolerance from this point.

Original poster

AuntieBrenda · 10/11/2013 08:55

Thanks again to all
Yes cogito, def aware of that. I don't think it will hurt to take all financial stuff to work tomorrow and photocopy it either. Err on side of caution.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/11/2013 08:58

Very wise.

Lweji · 10/11/2013 10:45

And don't forget that bank accounts can be closed and moved easily.
He could easily transfer money to his parents, etc

Do make sure you control your part or that joint savings accounts require both signatures.
It's also worrying that he controls all the child's savings.

It's amazing what people can do to punish you for leaving them.

MillyRules · 10/11/2013 12:10

OR he will do his best to change and address the problems within the marriage. You can talk and be more open now and you can both discuss where you would like the relationship to change. Maybe he has been unhappy too. This could be the beginning of a new chapter in your lives.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/11/2013 12:15

As the saying goes... 'hope for the best but plan for the worst'. Once someone is in the habit of treating their partner badly and getting away with it, eye-opening 'Road to Damascus' moments are incredibly rare.

MillyRules · 10/11/2013 14:32

To be fair, he doesn't sound that bad a man. Op has written that they both argue and shout and are arsey with each other and that she is like a dog with a bone. He may be unhappy with things in the relationship and with the way she is equally so don't know why he is being written off here. Lots of people need wake up calls and do learn from them. It's all a learning curve.

Lweji · 10/11/2013 20:56

Definitely hope for the best. :)

However, it's never good for one partner to hold all the eggs. If you tell him that savings are to be divided between the two, it will be interesting to see his response. It's good if he says yes, but if he starts making excuses I'd be working on my just in case plan.

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