boschy Thanks for your story and it's encouraging that your dc's seem able to shrug it off now, years later! So they would have been 10 and 7 when you dramatically cut down on contact. It's appalling they were constantly told that sisters hate each other. Luckily I don't think PILs are that bad. MIL does tell them to be kind to one another.
Are the cousins both girls too? If so they might be subjected to the same thing now. What a horribly negative message.
HotDAMN Thanks for the book recommendation - I will check it out! I like what you say about catching MIL doing something and then describing factually what has happened, stating how it affects me, and requesting alternative behaviour. That sounds assertive, and to the point. Exactly what I need to do, to stay calm. My nightmare is that I will get an uncontrollable urge to apologise for rocking the Happy/Lovely Boat saying something, before I even open my mouth. Or go the other way and jump down her throat as soon as she twitches! Those three things are quite easy to remember though.
Yes I'm not expecting great shakes to come from it. Probably more like a stunned silence and a bit of defensiveness from MIL. Then maybe someone changes the subject. Early Family xmas dinner in a stilted atmosphere along with the occasional favouritism slip up, which will be immediately followed by a look in my direction ('Oops did she catch that') and furtive glances at each other, in the 'must tread carefully around super-sensitive, uptight DIL' manner. I'll probably sit there seething at being regarded like a strange and alien species, and feeling uncomfortable that no one is backing me up. Dc's bewildered at what is going on.
That's probably a likely scenario, I can almost see it unfolding before my very eyes!!! Turkey, tinsel, and a (suppressed) Family Falling-Out, amongst the christmas crackers.
If it really is that horrible, at least we can leave the next day and I will have drawn a line, which they can then mull over (and possibly completely ignore - but will cross that bridge later). Then I will probably feel really guilty!
DoYouEverFeel Your dc's situation does sound familiar! Yes to the self-fulfilling prophecy concern. Glimmerberry's post upthread (Sat 09-Nov-13 22:01:21) rang alarm bells for me as I could see so clearly how she arrived at certain decisions. Of course if you're told you're trouble - or a little bugger, you internalise it and behave accordingly. If you feel like you fail at being 'good', you might as well succeed in being 'bad'. Then if you feel you're never good enough, or just trouble, you go with whatever you think you deserve, or can identify with. Other people who are labelled trouble of course. It's not a recipe for a happy life and just the thought makes me want to hug dd2 so tightly and tell her all the ways in which she shines.
See, I can be much more objective seeing your situation because it's not my own - and I would be saying exactly the same as all the others here. Challenge them on it, tell them it's not acceptable, or lessen contact. Simples! (If only...)
It's so sad. It's quite an eye-opener when so many people, siblings who have grown up with favouritism and labelling, actually say "it caused great damage to our relationship". So many people have said that in this thread. Yet it's so common.
Spiritedwolf Thanks for your story. It's another stark reminder that the damage goes to the 'good' one too. I do get concerned that dd1 runs the risk of perfectionism and being risk averse. Thanks in part to the many anecdotes in this thread I know to keep an eye on it. It was parents' evening recently and I casually mentioned that we were a bit concerned sometimes, that dd1 might be too much of a perfectionist - told the teacher the recent incident of how she had been in floods of tears for 10mins, over what had been a mild telling off. The teacher said she does take risks at school, seems confident and happy - no concerns but will keep an eye out.
I know many people consider it too late to reconcile with siblings in adulthood (I often wonder what would happen, if ILs were not around as the central gathering point for family occasions, would DP and BIL be in touch at all?). Such a pity though, that childhood bonds - kids are so open and naturally accepting too - get worn thin by the messed up behaviour of adults around them.
Sometimes I think maybe having children helps. I do notice that DP's self-confidence has grown a bit since we first got together, and more since having kids - maybe it's having that central point move from the family home, to their own life outside. Also having kids makes you view your own upbringing more analytically, and maybe with a more critical eye, as you go through your own choices...it does with me, anyway.