How much does your DH do re. domestic shores?

[Whitegoldrings]

I'm increasingly resentful over this. Throughout our long marriage I have worked P/T and DH has a demanding job. When our kids were at home ( they have now left) I did all the cleaning, cooking, food shopping and he did the grass cutting, putting out the rubbish and bits of DIY. Now that we are on our own and my career has picked up a bit ( I'm self employed now) I expect a more egalitarian marriage where he pulls his weight around the house. Needless to say, he doesn't. I feel like his mum and our sex life has dwindled to nothing because I just feel angry with him all the time.

I have suggested he does 2 things- hoover the stairs at a weekend ( because the hoover is heavy for me), iron his own shirts ( which I wash during the week) and make one meal over the weekend. He can't cook and has never shown any interest but he could buy a pop in the oven meal and make some effort. On top of this he never takes any responsibility for Xmas ( presents etc for kids ) or holidays- I have done it all. Yet everyone who knows him says he is such a nice man- kind, considerate, great to work for .

Unless I remind him week in and week out, he does none of it, then I feel like a nag.

On top of this he is a hoarder, untidy, doesn't even file the bills and paperwork which are in his name, so it's all chaos unless I do.

I feel some sympathy for him because he was ill for 2 years and low in energy but is much better.

He's also dyslexic which means that he has to expend more energy at work to cope- he has a senior management job which involves travel-but I feel I get the dregs.

Please don't suggest a cleaner- we can't afford it and there is no way I'd pay anyway for the things we could manage between us.

But how can I get him to see that this is getting me down? No matter what I say, he doesn't change. It's becoming a deal breaker for me because I am a professional person in my own right, put my career on hold when the kids were young, but always wanted an equal partnership, not some 1950s style marriage.

If you've had a long marriage where he's done sod-all and it's been acceptable, I think you're going to have a hell of a job now expecting him to change behaviour spontaneously. If he's a senior manager of something I think you have to present this as a 'practical/organisational challenge' as much as you do a relationship one. And, in true managerial fashion, you will get further if you present him with a choice of solutions and get him to consciously choose and engage with one of them, rather than simply saying 'over to you'. Get buy-in and it's more likely to happen.

BTW Why not a cleaner? I'm a lone parent of one and although I & DS could theoretically manage all the chores between us, I employ a weekly cleaner and a fortnightly gardener to make life a little less of a drudge.

If you wanted comparisons: dh is in a middle management job and has a 6 hour daily commute with some other travelling. He still manages to do the weekly shop (I am not supposed to carry things), cook two meals a week, do most of the laundry, iron his own and ds' shirts, bake bread for his own lunches, clean the bathroom and kitchen floors and buy presents for his side of the family.

For Christmas, could you put him in charge of parts that will impact on him - presents for his family, food item you get in just for him etc. Similarly with laundry, put him in charge of the weekend load (and make sure it has lots of his clothes in)?

Really, I think what Cognito has written and feel a bit despondent for you. I can't see how he will change if you've explained that it's effecting your happiness and your relationship and he still isn't motivated to change.

I think you need to discuss it. He def needs to do it but you've let him not do it for so long.

In comparison we both work very l

• long hours but manage to get everything done

You both need to look at time saving ways. Ie dh and myself add groceries to ocado online during our commute/ over lunch etc. at the end of the week we just add a suitable delivery slot and that's food shop down and delivered.

Same with Xmas shopping. Look up and add into online baskets whilst waiting for bus/ eating sandwich and then when home just review and order

Get him to iron his own stuff or he needs to take to dry cleaners ( or wear unironed). That's x3 choices he has

I've no idea how to help you but the title is 'How much does your DH do re. domestic shores?'

My DW is a SAHM so;

During the week.
I get up every morning, make a cup of tea, take it up to her and while I'm doing that I make sandwiches and rolls for school lunch.
She get's the DC up, finishes their lunch bags and does the school run.
DW does dinner Mon - Thur 99% of the time (I don't get in till 7:00pm)
DW runs the house.

Weekends.
DW rarely cooks any meal at the weekend, I take over.
If there is laundry to do we may split it between us depending on what we are both doing.
I iron my shirts and school uniform 70% of the time.
Depending on what DW has been up to during the week, especially towards the end we will split a housework blitz between us (one of us upstairs one of us downstairs)

We tend to fit DIY, maintainance etc in when we can but at the moment we have some structural issues with the house so not alot of that is going on.
If I have a big DIY project going on I will still cook but DW tends to pick up everything else.

TBH, I barely scratch the surface but it seems to work for us.

i feel your pain OP

in fact I have just discussed this very resetment with my therapist this morning!!!!!

the problem is the resentment creeps into everything

I can say hand on heart that if I was a single mum this issue would not bother me, Then I would have a host of other issue to go figure!

No advice but you need to talk if you can as being constantly resentful is shitty

what about you prep a spreadhseet, with

tasks that need to be done
hours they take

and discuss!

Its a bitch, and I dont care what anyone says the majority of women carry the burden, that conbined with working meansalot of fucked off women out there

We both work full time shifts and have my sd here on all dhs days off. I do all the cooking. The most dh does is stick a pizza in the oven or make some pasta if im at work.

I do most of the shopping but will send dh with a list written in the order he goes round the shop

I rarely hoover, dh does that. I never clean the bathroom and he does most of the day to day cleaning. I ttend to do the big cleans.

I do all the Christmas/birthday stuff for both sides of the family.

He does the ironing as we need it but I tend to do the big batch when it builds up.

Oh and I do all the finances.

It works for us.

Lots of people get couples counselling not to manage a crisis but as a sort of mid life MOT.

Why not suggest that?

It sounds as though you have got into a pattern where he doesn't listen to you or take you seriously.

We used couples counselling for infidelity, but my goodness did it help sort some other issues of this type.

However, what consequences does he face for not helping? For an absolute start up, you should NOT do his shirts "because he won't". If you stop doing them he will have to.

I'm a SAHM with only one child now started at senior school. My hubby work very long and unpredictable hours and stays away a lot.

It's my job to make sure all the house related chores are done. This allows him to focus on work and his time at home to be quality time. He is very well paid and earns what we both together would earn is we were both in 9-5 regular jobs. We've got a great life and it works despite me never having thought 20 years ago that I'd be a SAHM!

So hubby rarely does anything at home and that's only right given his workload. If he wasn't working so much then we'd split chores to ensure that we both worked, be it at home or in paid work, equally.

Mind you, I do the occasional property for but to let or buy to sell to give me a project to do and run those properties myself. He has to keep reminding me of that as I have always described myself as a housewife. It's nice to have something else to do that fits in with us.

I don't think comparisons will.help, but my dh does more than me when he's home (I sort of let go when he's around tbh, I must stop this) but on days he works and I don't I will do it all. I'm there so may as well.
I take all financial responsibility which I sometimes get resentful about, but having taken over because of his mis management I've had to. Bit by bit i'm delegating more to him, as he learns how to deal with money (his parents are wealthy and never have to think about it, so he was never taught and really had no idea)
And I completely sympathise with your Christmas/birthday issue. I went on strike regarding his family.for three years, staying their are his family, he can remember their birthdays and get their presents. His poor mum got no birthday present or card for three years- every year I caved on the day to tell him it was get birthday so he would at least phone her. He was fine with that. Seemingly so was his mum. I was mortified and now do the birthdays and Christmas again. The children opening their Christmas gifts is as much a surprise for dh as it is DC.

But if you've spoken to your dh about the resentment and unhappiness and he doesn't work to change that- I don't mean all change straight away, but he could set a reminder in his phone to do the hoovering. Or Hoover when he has his shower, any fixed routine he's likely to remember, and work up. What has his response been when you've explained your feelings, and the fact that you having to remind him of those few things that are his responsibility is not much help as it still leaves you with the responsibility of the jobs getting done.

It's hard. He doesn't have any family ( all dead.)

I have a lot more time at home- I work from home anyway.

This means I can't really live in a mess when I'm here all day. So things like mopping the floor, hoovering the hall and washing up get done. He loads the dishwasher every morning ( from the night before) but he doesn't do the pans or things that don't fit- so it's left for me because sometimes I need those things over the day. This includes his morning porridge pan. ( yes we have more than 1 non stick pan but you get the point!)

I suppose I do a minimum of housework compared to some:
hoover downstairs 1-2 a week.
mop kitchen floor 1-2 a week
dust- whenever- not that often
clean our bathroom ( en suite) once a week with a half clean mid week
clean downstairs loo once a week or more
do all laundry inc bed change
iron my own clothes, wash his.
plan and shop for all meals ( and use online shopping sometimes)
wash windows and heavier jobs like that as and when

He does online bills, puts rubbish and bins out, does grass cutting, offers to pick up food when he is town at weekend ( but only things that I've forgotten- not actually taking responsibility for it all), checks my car over if I'm doing a long trip anywhere, fixes and updates the pc, buys printer ink etc, and that's it!

We are in similar situations - my DH works a demanding job and I work P/T. However, I am also a full-time student. We have no kids yet.

DH does the floors (hoover and mop), deals with the litter tray for the cats, bins/rubbish, loads the dishwasher, and does most of the cooking. I do the dusting, bathroom, mirrors, general day-to-day and weekly tidying, budgeting, paperwork, empty the dishwasher, change sheets/towels etc, cook twice a week, and do the food shopping. We have our routine on a spreadsheet stuck to the fridge because we're saddos! It does mean no nagging though - it's right there to see which job belongs to who.

Oh and I do the laundry as well. But I absolutely do NOT iron his shirts!

If he's like that and you've always tolerated it, he won't change now. Sorry.

DP is brilliant. He cooks dinner every night, does the food shopping online every week, shares getting up with DC , does bath time etc etc. I am a SAHM at the moment so I do cleaning, washing & ironing and all childcare during the day. DP would do more around the house if asked and often asks me if he does enough with the DC.

I guess I am lucky in the sense that I'm with a person who doesn't take the piss and values what I do and thinks stereotypical gender roles are bullshit. But I wouldn't have had kids with a lazy man who wouldn't/ couldn't look after himself. That's not luck IMO, its choosing well.

For comparison then, my OH does;

Brings me cup of tea in bed every morning.
Gets his own breakfast during the week.
Puts the bins out.
Cooks a meal at weekends.
Does dishes when I've cooked.
Goes shopping with a list when I ask him.
Cleans all the bathrooms.
Hoovers.
Does his own washing and ironing.
Mows the lawn.
Loads of DIY - he's very handy and hates sitting doing nothing.

I, clean the kitchen.
Mop floors.
Do most of the shopping.
Most of the cooking.
My and DD washing and ironing.
Taxi service for my DD.
Wash the bedding, but he helps put it all back on again.
Dust and generally tidy.

Blimey - I have it quite good don't I!?
We both work full time.
He does very manual job too.

I find your post very depressing and a bit snide -jumper ( the bit about choosing well for example) Sorry. Does your DP have a demanding job or does he work 9-5 with set hours? Mine doesn't.

When I married DH he had lived on his own ( single) for 10 years. He isn't lazy. But he does use his energy for work and not home.

He is rarely home before 7pm and leaves the house at 7.45am. He's away usually one night a week for work and sometimes for longer overseas trips.

I don't believe at all that behaviour cannot be changed. People can change if they want to.

When we discuss this- which is quite often- he promises to change. He might for 1 week, then it slips back. He doesn't 'see' dirt or the need to do anything. So when he asks if he can 'help' it annoys me because the dirt is half his.

if your job is picking up and the children have left home, are you certain you can't afford a cleaner - a couple of hours a week wouldn't be that much. I don't think making an issue of whether or not you should have a cleaner is a great idea - at this stage of your marriage your DH is unlikely to change. As it's your working space, to me it seems like a legitimate business expense, having your 'office' cleaned.

Behaviour can change but there has to be motivation. Like you say... people can change if they want to. He doesn't want to. If there are no consequences to not doing the chores properly, he won't do the chores.

There are a few options from here.

• do nothing and contain your resentment best you can
• make the consequences of non-compliance unpleasant
• manage the situation with regular meetings, prompts, schedules, hired help etc
• reject the DH and 'LTB'

I would do the things that impact on you because you will expend more energy trying to make him do it than just doing it yourself. But there are things that you can just leave until he is forced to do them. For instance, have two laundry baskets, one for you and one for him. Ignore his basket as if it doesn't exist, he'll figure out how to use the washing machine and iron when he needs to.

Could you grit your teeth for a week and ignore the porridge pan (and the other pans he will also use for porridge)? Porridge is just as nice made in a cereal bowl in the microwave, if he has to wash a pan in the morning before making his porridge your DH will also come around to this opinion. If he uses every single pan to make porridge then tell him that you were going to make delicious X for dinner but there were no clean pans, so he's having a fishfingers sandwich instead.

Clear out a cupboard to be his clutter space. Rather than filing his bills just file the ones that you might need to access in the future and fling the rest into the cupboard.

I think the natural inclination of most people (me included) is to not consider how much work any particular task is until you have to do it yourself regularly. If you have always done these things for him then he's not the slightest bit grateful nor does he care how much work he causes for you because he hasn't had the grinding boredom of aways having to keep on top of stuff.

Stop telling him how to change is behaviour because he clearly either doesn't care or doesn't understand, and change your behaviour instead.

I take the point about the cleaner but truly, I don't want one. I have had a cleaner years ago when I was ill, but TBH there isn't that much cleaning to do- the stuff that needs doing regularly like hoovering the hall and kitchen floor need doing every other day so that's ongoing. I won't pay £20 a week for someone to do a bit of housework. I earn very little anyway and 80% of our income is DHs.
No, it's the meals, planning them and just taking responsibility for it all that gets to me. I've spoiled him TBH- when I used to visit family who live away, and my kids were small, I'd stock the freezer with home made meals etc before I went. Then when my DCs were older and I went away for a few days, they'd do the cooking for DH! Both my kids are great cooks and DS (single still) gives dinner parties.

I think what really bugs me is the fact that DH just can't keep up his good intentions. A few years back I did 'LTB' for a few months and rented a house - but I came back and we agreed to try again. He was devastated when I went and I do believe he really loves me- I'm not just saying this or in denial.

It's as if he just doesn't have the capacity to do anything more. Yet I know he could.

I'm torn between making one last stand and just saying that's it- enough chances.

We both work full time. We have a cleaner. We share everything else equally (that's not to say we do 50% of everything, but we do the tasks we are better at - e.g. him cooking, me sorting laundry).

We lived together before we got married and I don't think I would have married him if he had had a 1950s view of the world.

Ok so in terms of split between DH and myself. I work p/t -23 hrs p/w and DH f/t with an hours commute each way.

I do:

• All school drop offs and pick ups

• Majority of food shopping ( DH buys beer and crisps as they are needed )

• 90% of food prep ( occasionally DH will make a curry which involves using random food items that I had been planning to use during the week and throwing them into a pan with curry sauce, then cooking for about 5 mins . This tastes as good as it sounds)

• 90% of laundry ( I try to keep DH away from this otherwise he shrinks my favourite tops in the tumble dryer)

• DS's lunch box or top up for school meals depending on what he is having. Majority of school stuff including getting uniforms and making sure homework is done

• Christmas cards, birthday cards etc - although refuse to do birthday cards for his family unless I remember

• Most holiday planning - but I love doing that

Shared chores are:

• Taking bins out - whoever remembers

• Recycling - DH does most of the sorting but I usually get the bins ready the night before

• Changing gerbils bedding

• We sort out tax, MOTs, insurance etc for our own cars

• Unstacking and stacking dishwasher

DH does:

• All financial stuff - he is s/e so it's easier for him to know what's floating about

• All garden activity - I hate muck

• Tidying up

• Bicycle maintenance

We have a great cleaner YAY which helps enormously, I did get a bit irritated when we were in between cleaners and DH was meant to do some jobs and claimed I nagged all the time about cleaning. Oh and we also outsource the ironing of DH's shirts.

It just about works ok. DH works hard for us and I like being p/t. I'm not terribly houseproud so don't do much in the way of housework in between cleaners visits. I do get a bit stabby when he goes to the supermarket to buy beer and crisps and doesn't think to ask if we need milk or bread, but it's a small point.

I feel sure DH would like the house to be cleaner, but knows that's not going to be a good discussion to have .

I'm not sure what to suggest in your situation, if you are not happy then obviously it's not working for you, ignoring might be the way to go, but it might simply sit there until you come back and sort it out. I used to work more hours on a higher grade and at that point I simply did not have time to do everything needed even with a cleaner. I took the decision to cut back on my work, but that was primarily so I could be more relaxed and have more time to spend with DS growing up without being so stressed.

I do blame myself for making it too easy for him. But the situation evolved really. We had DCs quite soon after marrying ( 18 months) and before we married it was a LDR where we only met at weekends or I'd stay during my leave from work sometimes. He owned his own house whereas I was still sharing, post uni, so it was a real novelty for me to play the little woman in his house, cooking and generally enjoying being there rather than with other people in a house share. He attempted to cook for me on one of our first dates and it was pretty awful so I suppose I took over as I like(d) cooking.

He kept his house clean, did his own laundry and I thought all was ok. What I eventually realised was he'd have a massive clear up before I arrived at a weekend- and live in a tip all week! He ate canteen meals for lunch and baked beans or eggs for his dinner at home.

When we had DCs he was travelling a huge amount with work , I was a SAHM for 4 years, so the roles just evolved. He'd bath the kids, read to them, change nappies etc etc and would shop- given a list by me- but he'd never plan meals or budget etc.

I hope it's understandable now when the kids are gone that I want us to work as a couple who share the chores, rather than me carrying on like a mum or housekeeper to him. I feel devalued and taken for granted.