How much does your DH do re. domestic shores?

[Whitegoldrings]

I'm increasingly resentful over this. Throughout our long marriage I have worked P/T and DH has a demanding job. When our kids were at home ( they have now left) I did all the cleaning, cooking, food shopping and he did the grass cutting, putting out the rubbish and bits of DIY. Now that we are on our own and my career has picked up a bit ( I'm self employed now) I expect a more egalitarian marriage where he pulls his weight around the house. Needless to say, he doesn't. I feel like his mum and our sex life has dwindled to nothing because I just feel angry with him all the time.

I have suggested he does 2 things- hoover the stairs at a weekend ( because the hoover is heavy for me), iron his own shirts ( which I wash during the week) and make one meal over the weekend. He can't cook and has never shown any interest but he could buy a pop in the oven meal and make some effort. On top of this he never takes any responsibility for Xmas ( presents etc for kids ) or holidays- I have done it all. Yet everyone who knows him says he is such a nice man- kind, considerate, great to work for .

Unless I remind him week in and week out, he does none of it, then I feel like a nag.

On top of this he is a hoarder, untidy, doesn't even file the bills and paperwork which are in his name, so it's all chaos unless I do.

I feel some sympathy for him because he was ill for 2 years and low in energy but is much better.

He's also dyslexic which means that he has to expend more energy at work to cope- he has a senior management job which involves travel-but I feel I get the dregs.

Please don't suggest a cleaner- we can't afford it and there is no way I'd pay anyway for the things we could manage between us.

But how can I get him to see that this is getting me down? No matter what I say, he doesn't change. It's becoming a deal breaker for me because I am a professional person in my own right, put my career on hold when the kids were young, but always wanted an equal partnership, not some 1950s style marriage.

but I'm not saying you singly to pay for the cleaner, but you as a couple to pay for it. The cleaner could do some ironing as well. Does the place really needed hoovering every other day? Also, how much meal planning do you need to do for 2 working adults?

I just think you need to decide, at this stage in the game, having 'allowed' your DH to 'get away' with doing not much for years - is this something to split up over? Would he actually do any of this to your satisfaction anyway?

I'm not saying your DH couldn't do more, by any means, my DH does miles more than this and always has done - but you've left it very late in the day to make a stand. If he really doesn't see it (and I do believe that some people don't - I don't see enough dirt in my house to hoover every other day - you probably would) and he hasn't done it for 20 years, or whatever - well, I don't know.

Currently my dh does everything and I do nothing. I'm so grateful for this. It's because of health reasons.

Prior to August when I was well I think it was evenly split with some weeks one person doing more than the other.

When we first got together I did everything as he was incapable of it due to being unwell but also he didn't seem to care.

I hope when my energy returns I'm able to contribute again as I feel bad about it.

Is the housework the problem, I mean really? I have alot of sympathy but I notice that the happiest period of our relationship I did alot of HW and did not mind

I dont think its the HW, its resentment for other stuff grinding away

you say you dont want a cleaner, that says alot!

what I am trying to say is you are pissed off and angry,and right now you are saying it cos of the housework

but if you got a cleaner and had less HW, would you still be angry? my guess is yes

its worth thinking/exploring why you feel resentful and put down upon, as if you LTB before there are maybe some deep seated issues here

very bemused at the long and detailed posts where people share their chores!!!!

In fact thinking about it, it might be not so much about the split of tasks, but about that feeling of being taken for granted.

Now that the DCs have grown up the two of you have the opportunity to do more things together. Do you often go out out to the cinema, theatre or for weekends away ? My SIL & BIL (both in their 50s) had a wonderful time at lindy hop lessons ( until he put his back out).

Perhaps if you focus on each other, then you may start to feel more cherished.

Alternatively or as well, cut down on the cleaning, serve up breaded fish portions for dinner, it doesn't have to be a home made meal every night. Tell DH to do it once a week ( if you can bear it, I'd rather do it myself) and if you end up with takeaways or frozen pizza, so what, at least you don't have to think about it as much.

Have you posted about this before? Some of it sounds familiar.

I'd agree with the others who suggested you might get a cleaner (and I have the post where you say there "isn't that much cleaning to do"). It just means that your house is regularly and predictably cleaned up, and then it feels like a nicer place to live in, to cook in, etc.

Do your kitchen floor and hall really need doing every other day?

Regarding the meal planning, if it is only the two of you at home, why not just back off a little. "What's for dinner?" says he. "No idea, I've been working all day", you say. "Then you say, "Shall we get a takeaway, or go to the pub or can you find something in the fridge to cook?"

It sounds like the housework is really just a symptom, if a couple years ago you actually LTB for a while.

What about counselling? I think honestly if you have been in this pattern for, what, 20 years? You will need some help to change things around.

Things are more complicated with food. I have a long term health issue which borders on coeliac and a dairy intolerance. I can eat very few pre-prepared foods including food in cafes etc. We eat simply- ie piece of poached salmon, oven chips and salad as an example. But curries, take aways, pizza etc I've not eaten in decades- and not from 'choice' I assure you!

The cleaning is necessary- we live in the country and our hall gets very messy quickly even with a shoes-off policy- due to the grit on the footpaths here- we aren't all tarmaced or concrete like in a city or town.

The other reason I don't want a cleaner is the intrusion- you may or may not understand this but I don't like strangers in my home going through our things. I don't want to pay £80 a month for cleaning.

The housework takes no time at all- maybe 3 hours a week in total for the whole house. It's not the time- it's the fact he doesn't do any.

Nor does he think ahead to meals. Meals are something that appear by magic before him.

I suppose his side of this would be he maintains the computer, pays most of the bills online, does the grass cutting (I do everything else in the garden) and bins.

He spends all of Saturday and Sunday mornings at the gym or cycling to keep fit- up to around 1pm-which I think is good- BUT if he was more organised at work he could fit in the gym during the week so that he has more time for us at weekends.

I suppose I've got to the point now where he needs an ultimatum.

But what ultimatum do you want to give him ? Is it to do the three tasks outlined in your original post - will that make you happy do you think?

It sounds (and correct me if I am wrong) that there isn't a lot of joy in your married life. He surely doesn't need all Saturday and Sunday morning to keep fit, so could you start earmarking one of those days to do something together, go for a walk or country pub or something.

I can understand about the not wanting a cleaner in the house, it's very common, so don't worry about that one.

Oh you are absolutely right there.
We don't do a lot together socially and never have. We are relatively anti social and my health problem and diet issues have mean that over the years we've avoided some social things because friends found it so hard to cater for my dietary needs. However, he has no friends at all- he's very much a loner so all my social life is with my friends.
I agree with you 100% about the weekends- by the time he gets home from the gym, a coffee and a nosey round town the say is almost over. The he'll make his lunch, have a browse of the papers and it 2pm.

We DO do some things together- a walk or go and see our kids for a meal etc- but it's not that often.

The thing is though he is content with this non-life- getting all his satisfaction from work- whereas I am not. And meanwhile I do all the domestic stuff and he flits in and out. This is not something I've ignored- it's been discussed a lot but he doesn't change. And yes, I know it's me who has to change but I don't see what I should be the one to put all the effort into keeping the marriage alive and ticking- do you?

excuse the typos- phone.

The chores aren't the issue. It seems to me that now that your children are gone it's obvious that you've drifted apart, mainly from his lack of interest.

Is that fair?

No absolutely you shouldn't be the one putting all the effort into the marriage, thing is he is the one who is happy with the status quo - you aren't.

I guess you need to think about what would truly make you happier. Would it be him doing the tasks you listed, or would it be you enjoying life together as a couple?

I just think you might make more innings as a couple if you asked him not to go to the gym one of those mornings ( so that means he is changing something not just you) so you could do something for the whole day as a couple. You could ask him to do the chores as well . Or go for the counselling, if you can convince him to do so.

Do you go on holiday together?

Dh does 50% of everything. Always has. Got up for night feeds, the lot. We are a partnership and word together to get everything done. That means we both have more free time to do things, together or apart, so are happy with our work/life balance.

You are right, OP, that you shouldn't have to be the one putting in all the effort. But unless you change, nothing will change so it is down to you to get the ball rolling.

Stop washing his clothes and ironing them. That's a really simple one to start with. If he runs out of clothes he will have to do them himself won't he.

Also, make Saturday and Sunday his nights for providing a meal. If he doesn't do it, just get something for yourself. That's an easy one to do too, if he doesn't plan ahead and shop for the food he needs during the day, he won't get a decent meal will he.

You need some couples' counselling. It's not about the cleaning (although I will say that if you pick the right cleaner not only will you not care about them seeing your stuff, but you can let off lots of steam chatting to them!) Having a neutral third party in the room is a great help to discussing these issues, especially when you have a DH who is massively set in his ways. Also, two mornings every weekend out of the house solo is too much - do you do something you enjoy at those times? It doesn't matter what the split of tasks is as long as you both feel happy and valued.

I do everything bar the "man jobs" you mentioned (lawn, bins, DIY) but that's because I DONT WORK! You have done it all for years but now need a hand as you are also busy earning money. He should help out more.

I don't understand the problem with ironing mens shirts... it seems like lots of wives on MN wont do it on principle.. even if they SAH.

The thing is -- he was exactly the same when you met and married him. His life was all about work, he didn't care about household stuff (I assume he was also a bit anti-social back then?) Then you drifted into a relationship dynamic that let him continue being the same way. You say you didn't want to be a 1950s housewife but, well, you basically were one for 20 years.

I can see why you are frustrated, and you're not unreasonable to be unhappy. But tbh I think it's you moving the goalposts a bit, even if it's a fair place you want to move them to.

I honestly don't think you're going to get anywhere without counseling. And even if it doesn't work, it can help pave the way for an amicable split.

We both work full time, no kids, I still do everything around the house, we cook our own meals (differing diets) he pays all the bills. Annoys the crap out of me but I've always done everything, I'm not quite as particular anymore, life's to short to spend it cleaning!

We both work full time. Running the house and looking after the kids is a team effort. We both pull our weight. Generally though - I cook, dh cleans.

Being busy is not so bad if it is shared busyness.

We have had a massive talk- or rather I shouted and told him how I felt. To give him his due, he admits he is useless around the house and resolves to change. He acknowledges that he finds breaking from routines hard- ie weekends, but says he didn't know it upset me so much that he goes out for two half days alone. I've said I am no longer doing his washing or ironing and that I expect him not to ask me if there is anything 'we need' from the shops when he's passing but to step this up a notch and actually buy something for dinner once a week to start. he feels he is a crap cook but I said I'd never asked for a Master Chef meal just food in front of me. I know it appears that I've been a 1950s housewife but I DO work and when the DCs were small I also did several OU courses as well as worked out of the home 4 mornings a week. Even now I am working far fewer hours than he is - maybe 20 hours a week at the most- but I resent doing all the domestic stuff because I feel like a housekeeper. In my head I am giving this a time limit to see some changes but said that at the moment I feel like moving out so unless I see some permanent changes that's the score.

Not much help from me i'm afraid. My DH works full time, as do i. I also look after our animals daily (3ponies, morning and night before and after work)

He gets up, makes cup of tea for us, goes to work.
Comes home from work (finishes 4pm) and seemingly waits for me to get in.

I get up as he leaves. Get ready, do small household chore (put wash on or hang out/on airer or quick bathroom clean/quick hoover up)
Get something out for dinner.
Go and deal with ponies
Go to work
Pick up small shop at lunch or big shop after work
Ponies again
Home. Cook dinner. Make (both) packed lunches. .
Last nights washing up while cookibg
Weekend - big jobs with animals. Clean kitchen and bathroom, washing ironing change bed. Dust/hoover. Tidy, sort papers, recycing, bake stuff for packed lunch. Blah blah blah.

He puts bins out and cuts grass in summer. Oh and started washing his own workwear (but not hanging up)

I get home 7.30pm, him 4.30 - 5. I left washing up from sunday this week. Ended up doing mammoth wash wednesday.

I need help also!

Notta - why on earth do you make his packed lunch? And why are you cooking dinner when he is home three hours earlier than you?

Well, we also have been married a long time and I used to work p/t (30 hours) and do the bulk of the housework. When DS went to uni I increased to full time in a pretty full-on job. Whoever gets home first cooks (I've only cooked dinner 2/3 times in last 2 weeks), no real housework gets done in the week - I do the dishwasher, we both do our own washing, ironing, take stuff to the cleaner (for each other if needed). Your problems don't sound like they are about the cleaning.

I work 9-5 but commute 3 hours so i am out from 7.30 to 6.30pm every day, hubby is nightshift, every night! Gets home when i leave for work. He has a sleep, then cleans house, does washings, picks DD up from school, takes her to park or library or soft play, and has my dinner ready for me coming in! Xx

Another comparison. DH and I have dd 7.5mo, I have just gone back to work FT. We have a nanny which takes pretty much all of my income.

I do:
Organisation of absolutely everything, pay bills, organise activities, Xmas/b'day presents, buy and organise everything necessary for our daughter (we have a nanny who has just started and I also do all communication with her regarding dd). When I am not at work I do 100% of the childcare all feeds, changing, routine, playing.

I always do all dd night time wake ups. DH has never got up once during the night for her.
I do all cleaning in between cleaner visits. All tidying, dealing with post, filing important documents, organising things like boiler and car services, insurance renewals etc. I organise for someone to do DIY and garden for us because to be honest it is not a skill my DH has.

I do all the laundry for all 3 of us including weekly bed sheets changes etc. I don't do any ironing but I arrange and deal with the outsourcing of it.

I get the car washed, tidy the house before anyone visits and ad hoc during the week. All household tasks like putting more toilet rolls out etc. i basically do everything not involving my dh's work. (I also work FT in a similar pressure high profile job).

My DH does most of the cooking both in the week and at the weekend. He does the weekly food shop online, the bins, puts petrol in the car.

We share the unloading of the dishwasher but I always clean up after meals.

Reading this back I am beginning to feel short changed too!!