Please tell me honestly, is it me being out of order here?

[BikerMiceFromMars]

NC for this post.

Dh and I have been together 10 years, married 5. We have two dc - one 2years old one 10 weeks.

For as long as we've lived together, he has always gone out drinking with friends after work. Up until 18 months ago it was 3-4 times a week, but since life has got considerably harder for me (went back to work full time pregnant, looking after toddler and newborn, do all the housework, 90% of parenting, handle all finances, and will be returning back to work again FT very soon), I have asked him to cut back going out to once a week.

Money is very tight at the moment as it is and even if it wasn't a money issue life's very tough for me atm I've got pnd a trying to struggle through each day, so really look forward to his home time to get a bit of help at bedtime. If he's not out drinking he comes home around 8pm and out from 7am, so out the house for long hours.

When he's put drinking hell drink until 1-2am and roll home steaming drunk maybe 3-4am.

The biggest problem I have is that he'll text or call that he's on his way home and bringing dinner with him, then I'll wait, wait and wait and by 9/10pm I realise he's out drinking and order a takeaway and he'll come home in the early hours and there's always an excuse as to why he had to go out.

He'll never call to say he's staying out as he knows I'll get angry and always switches his phone off so he's not contactable. This really upsets me as I feel with two small children we should always be contactable to each other - either keep your phone on or let me know the bar you're in at he very least. What if I had an accident, or one of the dc had to go hospital. We have no car and not family nearby so I think it's important we should be able to rely on each other.

We had row after row about this behaviour, he always apologises but does it yet again.

I never ever EVER get time to myself, I don't get to haveax pram fom night out, or even go to the gym as he's never home early enough for me to go out int he evening to the gym for an hour or so, and one the weekend he's usually too hungover to look after dc.

This has gone on for so many years now, I'm beginning to think am I being the one that's out of order? Is it totally normal a nd accept ale for him to go out drinking to the point of falling in the street whenever he fancies it, and not tell me and leave me waiting for him.

I could understand if it was every once in a while say once every other week, but it's whenever he feels like it. Literally. He acts like a single man instead of a father of a toddler and baby.

I really am doubting myself now as to whether I'm being unreasonably by asking him to be home every night at least for the next month or so while I'm struggling so much and then maybe go out once every other week until life gets easier for me. I understand if he's late back because of work, but it's just hurtful when he says he's on his waxy home then turns his phone off and stays out til 3am.

Just so I don't leave anything out, he's had a weeks holiday away with friends 3 weeks ago, which was nonstop drinking so it's not like he's not gone out in years.

Me n the other hand, I can't remember even going the toilet alone without my toddler following me or baby screaming.

"We do love each other and he loves the children that I don't doubt...but he has no consideration for me at all."

Sorry but it doesn't look like he loves you (and probably not the children either).
Love is actions as well as words. It is thinking about the other person. Putting their needs first.

There is only one thing you can do, OP: disengage.

You can do it the hard way, like Revels - because, despite her fear of the unknown she is the first to admit that it was actually the hard way.

Or you can kick him out.

He hasn't listened up to now - what makes you think that a load of people on the internet can give you the magic formula to make him start listening now?

They can't. It's a clear choice:

put up with this shit life

or

kick him out.

I don't know what else to do. It breaks my heart to be treated this way, but we love each other, he loves the children and I don't want to break us up. But I can't continue this way. This is the toughest my life has ever been and if he can't be here for a month when I need him the most when will he be.

I just don't understand how love can survive the kind of behaviour that you have described on here. Any love that I felt for such a man would have been eroded long ago.

He does have an alcohol problem.

He has no respect for you.

He doesn't care about you or for you. (To be honest this would be the worst one for me. Words are cheap, actions say everything)

He is a flawed father and your children will become more aware of the issues as they get older.

You've told him and argued about this before. I'm not sure what else you can do to make him see sense.

I don't usually post on these threads because I get over invested and very often the OP does nothing. Indeed why should they listen to a bunch of strangers on the net. Just wanted you to know that the problem lies with your husband and not with you. What you do with that is entirely up to you.

He doesn't love you.

If you love someone you care for them, you are considerate of them, you respect and value them. You parent together and are a unit, a couple.

He loves booze. He will always find an excuse to drink, and by staying you facilitate that. He prioritises alcohol and his own needs above yours and your children's. That isn't love.

You are better off alone than with this man. Honestly. It's hard and scary and tiring and lonely but you're alone already.

Knew guys like your husband years ago. Told their wives they were net working.

No they weren't, they were getting pissed down the pub. None of them remained married.
You would seriously be better off without him. He is bringing nothing to the table but stress and work. If you were on your own you could organise your life and your kids lives so much better.
Certainly wouldn't put up with this crap.
If he does get made redundant it is only going to get worse. Just imagine you at work all day coming home to a outstretched hand for cash to go down the boozer. Or he starts to drink during the day whilst looking after your little ones. Get him out now whilst he still has a job it will be harder later

What a horrible way to live. He isn't contributing much to family life is he? And although you say he loves you, he sure doesn't act like it.

I think you should write him a letter telling him what you think the problems are, what you would like him to do to change and when this change has to take place. That way, he cannot misinterpret your words or change them later to suit himself.

If he argues about it then ask him to leave. If he agrees, then give him a last chance to prove it. If he fails to keep whatever agreement you put in place, then kick him out pronto.

He's an addict. To alcohol and to his job. You'll be helping him get things into perspective if you can put it to him plainly. Perhaps you DO need to organise AA for him.. It sounds like he was asking for your help there, in a very macho way.

I don't agree with the ltb cries. He needs help. Apart from everything else, he's missing out on the lives of your children. Soon they'll be of an age where they will remember their dad as a vague, mostly absent shadow figure that smelled of drink.

This is who he wants to be, you don't love this version of him.

It is NOT her job to organise AA for him, he would likely not attend any such sessions anyway. He is an adult, not a child.

The image you portray of him Uri is probably very similar to how his eldest child sees him now; some distant and shadowy figure that makes her mother very unhappy and sad.

OP can only help her own self and her children.

If this has gone on for years as well, where is the line drawn?. How much longer should she have to wait to see if there is an epiphany on his part?.

This was my life. For 15 years. It never got better, he had flings, spent so much money we could never afford holidays or a nice car. But he 'loved' me. What he was doing was 'normal! (socially). It was what 'everyone' did.

So I sucked it up and waited. Until one day I woke up and realised I would never be happy with him. So I left. It took me a year to get in a place where I could. And, of course, I was the biggest bitch ever, but I left. Hard, but so relived I never looked back.

I have a real life now. A normal one, with a lovely normal husband. Not tagging onto some alcoholic, cheating charmers coat tails. Wiping up after them.

Good luck, I hope you get what you deserve sooner than I did.

Atilla not longer than 2 days without drink.

I would also say I identify with being the provoker..and ashamed to say I do bring tjings up and let resentment build.

Two days. What does that tell you about him?.

Honestly this is no life for yourself and by turn your children is it?.

If someone else was writing what you have written down, what would your counsel be to them?.

He will never change.Either accept your life as it is or start taking steps to ensure your and your dc's happiness.Because you will never have a happy and fulfilled life with this man and your children will never have the father they deserve.They have a chance if you build a loving and secure home with them.I'm speaking from experience.

Thank you everybody. I sm going to do something about this.

I'm going to make him a GP appointment and make him get some help to recognise he has a drink problem.

I can't keeo living like this.

People in such relationships act out roles within it; you are and have been acting as the Provoker here. This is why I highlighted it. You are also enabling him by simply being there and keeping house.

Its not helping you or your H for that matter; the only way forward for you ultimately is to actually get off the merry go around that is alcoholism. You (and by turn your children) are being profoundly affected by his drinking.

What you have tried to date has not worked; time for a different tack now.

OP, no you can't keep living like this but it's not up to you to do something about his behaviour. He has to want to change. He has to want to go to the GP himself. And above all he has to realise himself that he has a problem.

"I'm going to make him a GP appointment and make him get some help to recognise he has a drink problem".

No, no and no because a) he is capable of doing that himself so stop enabling b, its a wasted effort again on your part and c) he does not want yours or anyone else's help anyway. He's already stated that he wants you to organise counselling for him but its not your job to do so. He is also refusing to admit he has a drink problem so why do you think a GP could convince him otherwise?.

What about you as well; why are you really still there and putting up with this?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Don't waste any of your energy on trying to make him see he has a problem.He will already know he has a problem op,he just doesn't want to do anything about it.save your energy for you and your dc.

I'm going to make him a GP appointment and make him get some help to recognise he has a drink problem.

Oh dear, OP. Please look back and read Attila's posts. You are enabling again.

I do bring tjings up and let resentment build-- Goodness, how awful of you ----not not not!

Several posters have said that they eventually plucked up courage to leave a similar relationship and regret they didn't do it earlier.

The problem is the fear of setting out on your own with all the responsibilities of children, money, home, work. No wonder people stay stuck in a hopeless situation.

Perhaps OP you could start looking at what you possibilities there are for you if you did go it alone (and leave him to sort himself out, which he might). Do you have family who can help out? Can you freeze the mortgage for a year to give you breathing space? Would you move nearer family? etc etc. And see if you can get a plan in place which would take away some of the 'fear of the unknown'.

I don't know what else to do. I don't want to leave him we love each other and he loves his children but at the same time I can't keep living like this.

I want to help him but he won't admit there's a problem. What do I do?

Do you think that it may help to learn more about alcoholism? Because it sounds as though you can't do anything for him. That's the nature of the problem.

In the meantime, is there anything you can be doing for you and your children?

BikerMice you have to accept that there is nothing you can do.

This is his problem. Only he can solve it. He's not interested in solving it because he doesn't see it as a problem. There is nothing you can do about it.

You just have to accept the fact that if you continue to live with him, you are making the choice to bring your children up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic household and to condemn yourself to that horrible way of living. You can't solve that because the only person who can solve it is the alcoholic himself.

It's your life and your choice but be very clear-sighted about the reality of what your choices mean.

Talk to Al-Anon. Really, it will help you.