Well, as the title says I am married. 2 kids, 5 and 2 years old. Married life has had lots of downs and well as the ups and it has taken its toll. Last year I considered how life would be if I left my dh. We worked it out and are trying to make life work well together. All is OK. On the surface. But in my head I am a mess.
For the past 2 years I have been very attracted to someone else. Nothing has ever happened but I was pretty sure the attraction was mutual, however I never, ever knew. I had attempted to meet up with him...in a seemingly innocent way in case he didn't have feelings for me e.g. Lunch at friends (when my husband was away with kids). He accepted but then cancelled right at the last minute.
This weekend I suddenly had an urge to see him (had had quite a few drinks). I texted him asking if he fancied meeting up for a drink as I was back in town and out with friends (we recently moved away). He said he couldnt but i persisted (over texts). He then suddenly called me and a 3 hour chat ensued. He admitted he has feelings for me (which made me go weak) but that he can't meet me. He said it could never be just a kiss or sex with us but that feelings would develop and we would fall in love. And he doesn't want to do that to me as I am married. He says it will only bring problems. That's why he cancelled the lunch. He said if he had come he wouldn't have been able to resist me. So he didn't put himself in that position. He's single (divorced) but he was protecting me from a right old mess. He's a very decent man.
I am now feeling devastated and in a right mess. I know he is right, of course I do. But I feel so desperately sad and I just want to see him, see what it is like to kiss him and explore that new exciting relationship. I feel trapped by my marriage, that it stifles me from living how I want. From being me. My husband is very different to me and wants different things. I love him but we have been together since we were very young and it's hard. However ourlittle dc are obviously our priority.
I could go on. I know this is a classic situation and I feel pretty foolish. I know I am basically being a complete bitch and I just have to get a grip on this. But I am struggling. I am fantasising about having an affair. But I don't even have that choice as the other man has said he won't allow me to makes that mistake despite us obviously having a huge attracion between us. But I of course, like an idiot, am trying to work out how to persuade him, to get him to allow me to see him, which he of course wants but is strong enough not to do. Just.
I told him the phone call has affected me hugely and he says this is normal, to be calm and let time go by and it will pass. But i don't want to. I want to see him.
If anyone has any advice on how I can deal with this situation I'd very much appreciate it as I am very jumbled up emotionally right now.
Sorry this is such a long post