Married...and fallen for someone else. That old chesnut.

[Tiredofthinking]

Well, as the title says I am married. 2 kids, 5 and 2 years old. Married life has had lots of downs and well as the ups and it has taken its toll. Last year I considered how life would be if I left my dh. We worked it out and are trying to make life work well together. All is OK. On the surface. But in my head I am a mess.

For the past 2 years I have been very attracted to someone else. Nothing has ever happened but I was pretty sure the attraction was mutual, however I never, ever knew. I had attempted to meet up with him...in a seemingly innocent way in case he didn't have feelings for me e.g. Lunch at friends (when my husband was away with kids). He accepted but then cancelled right at the last minute.

This weekend I suddenly had an urge to see him (had had quite a few drinks). I texted him asking if he fancied meeting up for a drink as I was back in town and out with friends (we recently moved away). He said he couldnt but i persisted (over texts). He then suddenly called me and a 3 hour chat ensued. He admitted he has feelings for me (which made me go weak) but that he can't meet me. He said it could never be just a kiss or sex with us but that feelings would develop and we would fall in love. And he doesn't want to do that to me as I am married. He says it will only bring problems. That's why he cancelled the lunch. He said if he had come he wouldn't have been able to resist me. So he didn't put himself in that position. He's single (divorced) but he was protecting me from a right old mess. He's a very decent man.

I am now feeling devastated and in a right mess. I know he is right, of course I do. But I feel so desperately sad and I just want to see him, see what it is like to kiss him and explore that new exciting relationship. I feel trapped by my marriage, that it stifles me from living how I want. From being me. My husband is very different to me and wants different things. I love him but we have been together since we were very young and it's hard. However ourlittle dc are obviously our priority.

I could go on. I know this is a classic situation and I feel pretty foolish. I know I am basically being a complete bitch and I just have to get a grip on this. But I am struggling. I am fantasising about having an affair. But I don't even have that choice as the other man has said he won't allow me to makes that mistake despite us obviously having a huge attracion between us. But I of course, like an idiot, am trying to work out how to persuade him, to get him to allow me to see him, which he of course wants but is strong enough not to do. Just.

I told him the phone call has affected me hugely and he says this is normal, to be calm and let time go by and it will pass. But i don't want to. I want to see him.

If anyone has any advice on how I can deal with this situation I'd very much appreciate it as I am very jumbled up emotionally right now.

Sorry this is such a long post

Have been in a similar situation. I just cut contact, avoided, and tried harder at my marriage. He's a work colleague and I swap shifts so I don't work with him. Its a terrible situation to be in, but I realised I am in love with a fantasy. It's reality I should be concerned with. Its very easy to get carried away and believe something positive will come out of your EA, but in my bitter experience, the other man is best left alone.

If you realise there is enough love left in your marriage then stick with your husband. If not, end it with him. But don't chase the other one.

Thank you tubemole1 I know you are 100 percent right but it's so hard

You're bored. You are having an early mid-life crisis. But there is more to your life than what partner you have.

Have you considered going back to work? Not so you can have an office affair but because you need something to do, by the sound of things.

Your messed up in the head you say well then be prepared to have a major nervous breakdown by having an affair. I have just ended my affair and feel suicidal and totally ripped apart. I have no children you do, do you really want to lose them all for a fuck now and then? Leave your husband he deserves better you have hurt him without knowing this 2 years of you chasing another man

OP (and the other poster upthread who is in a similar situation)

If this man is so wonderful, you can be with him, you can go on lovely dates and have lovely times together, and fall in love and live happily ever after - Once you've ended your marriage - nothing is stopping you being with this man, if he is 'meant to be'. But please, for yours and everyone else's sake, do the right thing first. If he is the right man for you, he will still be around in 6 months time once you have separated from your DH.

Pursuing this while you are still married will have terrible consequences for everyone. I am currently watching a close friend of mine destroy her family for another man who she believes is the 'love of her life'. She is married with 2 small children, and so is he. They had an affair anyway.

Let me paint a picture of what it is like for my friend.

1. The stress she has put herself through is IMMENSE. She is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It will take her a long time to get over this.

1. She has lost close friends and family over this. The lying and deceit that she got involved with was so horrible for everyone around her, some of those relationships are destroyed forever.

1. She has made a fool out of her DH. He found out about the affair in the most humiliating way, and is being made to 'put up and shut up' while she continues to pursue the OM.

1. Her DCs, while still too young to appreciate what is happening, will find out about it when they're older. Who knows what they will think of their mother doing this to their father.

1. If her OM leaves his wife for her, some of those close to her will NEVER accept him, because of the nasty lying, deceit and hurt he helped her cause.

1. She has lost respect for herself, and the respect of her friends and family. Some of that is gone forever.

Now, you might handle it differently to my friend, but some of those points above will ring true for you too. For your own sake - don't do it to yourself. It goes without saying that you shouldn't do it to your DH, but also to the OM - if you envisage a relationship with him in the future - post marriage breakup - then let him stand true to his principles, don't drag him into the lies. Let people respect him for doing the right thing.

Of course, if you don't want to leave DH - then use the points above as really good reasons NOT to embark on this affair. It's not worth it for what it will do to you.

I do have a job , beast of burden but I appreciate your advice I just think when I married at 23 I was so young and never really in love nowadays people tend to marry older , I will try with my marraige but I feel as if I have fallen in love with this man but I suppose I made my choice and have to stick to it.

Seriously, I do understand what it is like to feel marooned and bored. And it may well be that the answer is to leave this marriage and start again. But I understand when you say no, you don't want to do that.

It's sad to hear you say that you are resigned to being bored and unhappy. I don't think that's what anyone posting here wants for you. We're just saying, the affair is not the answer, really, it's not. People who have been through this have posted warning you. The other guy has been through it himself, and HE is warning you too.

But there are other ways to lift you out of this bad patch. Work is one, or there are other things. Get fit. Get an allotment. Join a choir. I don't know- you will know what might light some magic back into your life.

Or it may be that you two are not well suited. But that requires very careful thought and management if you are to deal with that in anything like a constructive way.

I would seriously suggest you think of this guy as a mad crush that is not really love- but it is telling you to be kind to yourself and find some novelty and stimulus in your life.

Just don't make it about sex, is all. There is so much more to you and your life than who you are with.

Thank you I have made up my mind to try x

Good luck! Honestly, life gets better again, wee all get marooned from time to time.

(And the job suggestion was also meant for the OP, but she hasn't come back yet)

I want to take life by the balls and live it...

Nothing wrong with that. I do too. And I can now that DS is away at uni. Being a SP with two of 2 and 5 you won't be taking much "by the balls" for the next 15-odd years, take it from me....

Bringing up kids is a long hard and mundane slog

I will try with my marraige but I feel as if I have fallen in love with this man but I suppose I made my choice and have to stick to it

If you were really in love with this man, you would be moving heaven and earth to be with him.

Divorce is actually achievable, you know. Its not the Dark Ages.

Are you staying for money or security? I must say I found the ease with which you spoke about things which the average person would consider very morally questionable a bit discomforting.

Lessmissabs Iv never felt this way about a man and I suppose I'm struggling with my feelings etc , iv decided to try and stay away from other man and see how things go