Married...and fallen for someone else. That old chesnut.

[Tiredofthinking]

Well, as the title says I am married. 2 kids, 5 and 2 years old. Married life has had lots of downs and well as the ups and it has taken its toll. Last year I considered how life would be if I left my dh. We worked it out and are trying to make life work well together. All is OK. On the surface. But in my head I am a mess.

For the past 2 years I have been very attracted to someone else. Nothing has ever happened but I was pretty sure the attraction was mutual, however I never, ever knew. I had attempted to meet up with him...in a seemingly innocent way in case he didn't have feelings for me e.g. Lunch at friends (when my husband was away with kids). He accepted but then cancelled right at the last minute.

This weekend I suddenly had an urge to see him (had had quite a few drinks). I texted him asking if he fancied meeting up for a drink as I was back in town and out with friends (we recently moved away). He said he couldnt but i persisted (over texts). He then suddenly called me and a 3 hour chat ensued. He admitted he has feelings for me (which made me go weak) but that he can't meet me. He said it could never be just a kiss or sex with us but that feelings would develop and we would fall in love. And he doesn't want to do that to me as I am married. He says it will only bring problems. That's why he cancelled the lunch. He said if he had come he wouldn't have been able to resist me. So he didn't put himself in that position. He's single (divorced) but he was protecting me from a right old mess. He's a very decent man.

I am now feeling devastated and in a right mess. I know he is right, of course I do. But I feel so desperately sad and I just want to see him, see what it is like to kiss him and explore that new exciting relationship. I feel trapped by my marriage, that it stifles me from living how I want. From being me. My husband is very different to me and wants different things. I love him but we have been together since we were very young and it's hard. However ourlittle dc are obviously our priority.

I could go on. I know this is a classic situation and I feel pretty foolish. I know I am basically being a complete bitch and I just have to get a grip on this. But I am struggling. I am fantasising about having an affair. But I don't even have that choice as the other man has said he won't allow me to makes that mistake despite us obviously having a huge attracion between us. But I of course, like an idiot, am trying to work out how to persuade him, to get him to allow me to see him, which he of course wants but is strong enough not to do. Just.

I told him the phone call has affected me hugely and he says this is normal, to be calm and let time go by and it will pass. But i don't want to. I want to see him.

If anyone has any advice on how I can deal with this situation I'd very much appreciate it as I am very jumbled up emotionally right now.

Sorry this is such a long post

to be honest if the differences between you and you DH re this significant then your marriage is over anyway. You would be best putting your energies into a) explaining to you husband that you are as unhappy as you are and the b) sorting out a divorce and co-parenting arrangement. I can see no possible way that having an affair can improve your life in any way at all.

you DO have a choice. Do the right thing(s). Ultimately your children and you own self esteem will suffer if you do not.

In most cases I think the OM/OW is an antidote to feelings of boredom or lack of fulfilment felt by the would-be unfaithful partner. In a way, the OM/OW could be anyone. It's not the person that creates those feelings of lust and fantasy; it's the excitement that the affair offers which is addictive. That's why so many affairs fizzle out into nothing when both people involved in them realise they weren't ever real. Sadly, at least one marriage is usually down the pan by that point, and often it was a perfectly good marriage that just needed reviving, because it wasn't the marriage that was lacking but the person in it who needed to rebuild their life in a more fulfilling way.

OP you say your marriage has had problems for a while and that you've had counselling (with little effect). The time frame is very closely mirrored by the emergence of the new man. Think back very carefully and be as honest with yourself as possible. Did the dissatisfaction with your H start before the new man or afterwards?

Many people seek to give themselves permission to have an affair by rationalising that if they were happy in their marriage they wouldn't be tempted. That's not true.

FWIW, if you've felt like this about your marriage for a long time, I'd end it irrespective of whatever happens with the OM. Just bear in mind that a relationship started with a new person at the same time a marriage is ending in which you'll need to consider residency arrangements, separate assets, sort a divorce, etc., is going to put an enormous strain on things. It's hardly going to be a carefree love's young dream scenario.

Best delete the number then before you have another few too many drinks, or argument with dh or whatever prompts you to want to text him again.

Dahlen, that's all very wise and spot on.

Just think about how you tell your children and how they will feel :(

That says it all Buzzard. The guilt i already feel is sickening.

Thank you Dahlen, very insightful post

I can thoroughly recommend a celebrity crush if you are that bored and desperate to feel again.

Meanwhile, try take up a hobby, better your work prospects and seek out an exciting new career. Just dont be stuck in your humdrum life.

Another man, is not the answer. It will still be a humdrum life as long as you look to somebody else for fulfillment. The excitement needs to come from YOU, (not what another person does to your body) and choices YOU make in life. As long as you rely on a man to bring you that excitement, you will remain unhappy and unfulfilled. New Man will go to work, and you will again be left with just yourself.

But it will be worse, because you will just have your children 50% of the time, and your ex the rest. And while he moves on with a new woman bringing stepmum into your childrens life, you will still be chasing around for a man to brighten your existence.

OP think yourself lucky that the OM turned you down. That has stopped you making (possibly) a huge mistake and screwing up your DCs lives for nothing. Now you have a chance to step back and try to do something to make the situation better for your family.

And at least do you seem to be able to see it all for what it is (as peking summised).

Is your H a good father to your children? Is he kind to you and does he treat you with respect? You say you want different things but none of the ones you mention sound insurmountable to me TBH, as long as you both want to try. What made you want to marry him in the first place? Seriously, there must have been things about him that attracted you and made you fall for him - maybe you've just lost sight of those things under the durge of day to day life.

If you really can't see a future with him, then have the courage to end it - don't go looking for an escape route first. One day you will have to explain to your DC what happened to end your marriage - do you want to have to tell them you jumped in bed with the first man who took your fancy behind their dad's back because 'you disagreed on some things'?

To supplement Dahlen's wise words, is the dissatisfaction you feel linked to when DH started working away more?

For I can easily imagine that his absence has left you with a faint sense of neglect that upis hard to speak up about if you agree that it is necessary for him to work that pattern for the time being at least.

When was the last time you had a 3 hour conversation with DH? Just you and him, talking about where your life is now, your hopes and dreams etc?

I think you need to do everyone a favour and put an end to your marriage.

It is not normal for there to be no love in a marriage.

The only thing you are doing is setting an example to your children it is ok to be miserable.

When actually its not normal.

Your husband deserves to be happy, with someone who loves and respects him enough to not look at other men whilst he away (with work??)

You deserve to be happy to. In all honesty I think this other man is just a grass is greener type scenario. The truth of the matter is I think you would be happier exploring your own self.

Don't stay with your husband because of the children they will be more damaged by you staying with him.

Deal with your marriage first as you are not currently available to be with this man. If you are unhappy in your marriage maybe it's time to free yourself. If you don't want to leave your husband be very grateful to this man for saving you from a huge mess.

It's entirely possible that the OM, while being attracted to you, does want to take you & your kids on, which was another reason for not meeting up with you.

An affair will solve nothing, particularly as you have no intention of leaving your husband. (Or do you, this feels like a way of leaving him unconsciously). It sounds like your marriage needs a lot of work. Is it likely to survive?

Have you also considered that maybe OM was trying to let you down gently following you hounding stalking him with lots of desperate texts when you were drinking?

You need to do the right thing and leave your husband if you are that unhappy.

I didnt stalk or hound him.

There are so many replies, thank you. I will have to read them later today.

He sounds like he has his head screwed on right. Leave it alone, step away from the OM, talk to your H.

Thoughts of being with this other man either in an intimate way or as a long term thing are just escapism from your life at the moment!! (Been there, didn't have an affair thankfully) but my life at the time was bloody miserable. I resented my exh & pushed him away became obsessed with a guy who lived miles away, often fantasised about running away. Now in hindsight it was my husband I wanted to escape (he was lovely) it was my life & a strained marriage that just needed some work!
I did leave my exh in the end not for anyone else but because we had grown so far apart... Wish I'd had some mumsnetters to tell me then to get a grip & start communicating. Marriage is tough, there are differences you face but most things you can overcome if you really really love someone!!!
5 years on I'm happier but the grass is still far from green!!!

Sorry... It wasn't my husband I wanted to run away from *

This weekend I suddenly had an urge to see him (had had quite a few drinks). I texted him asking if he fancied meeting up for a drink as I was back in town and out with friends (we recently moved away). He said he couldnt but i persisted (over texts).

Sounds like hounding a bit!

At the end of the day, your DH and children deserve better. If you are trying so desperately to jump into bed with someone else the best thing for them is for you to leave. Like others have said, you have two choices:

• leave and start afresh on your own. Start a relationship with OM as a single woman etc.
• gut a grip and focus on sorting your relationship out

The classic response is- sort out your marriage.

Have counselling alone or together to find out if you want to make a go of it.

You say you aren't going to leave your DH- why? If it's so good then why did you start this post with a lot of negatives about it all?
That isn't going to go away without a lot of hard work from you.

Op, I don't mean to be nasty saying this but are you sure your own husband is not already having an affair? It's just that you ar not seeing eye to eye on major issues, not having sex and he is also working away. What are you doing together other than co parenting? Whilst you are fantasizing about OM, what is h doing?

Another question, why did OM get divorced? Was it because one of them had an affair? If so, he may be speaking from extremely bitter experience to try to stop you going through a divorce in the same way. It is one thing to believe the marriage is over and start talking about getting divorced but the reality of actually going through a divorce is horrendous, regardless of the current state of the marriage.

Whether you can save your marriage depends partly on the extent of your current problems. If the only problem is your fantasies about OM, it's certainly fixable. Read some of the relationships threads about people who've been cheated on and what a mess things are. Think back to why you really married your dh. It's likely you were deeply in love with him and have forgotten, rewriting the past so you can have a clear conscience about going for OM. You also need to ascertain what's going on with your husband because it be that you are both completely convinced it's over and start getting divorced. Don't get divorced with the thought that you can then get with the OM. Get divorced if you are both 100% sure your marriage is dead and unsalvageable.

Tired are you able to explain why you won't leave your husband?

Hi I'm joining this conversation as I'm in similar situation and confused. Iv been married for 22 years and never looked at another man, but 6 months ago I walked into my local butchers and saw a guy working there who I knew when we were younger and iv fallen in love with him.i never went out with him years ago he s just a friend of a friend . Over the past 6 months we've built up a friendship bit of texting and kissing and cuddling if he helps me with my bags to car etc, he's been married twice and has a hectic life as works all hours and has 3 children, iv never felt these feelings for my husband before it's not that I don't get on with husband it's just I think we are like good friends instead of lovers. My kids are older now 18 and 20 and I'm thinking maybe it's time to move in,has anyone had similar experience

kinkyfuckery He is not a "very decent man". He is embarking on an affair with a married woman - what's decent about that?

I think that's a bit harsh on the man. He is being chased, and quite heavily chased, by a married woman, and has said no twice, quite politely.

It is entirely possible that he is saying no, not just because he is thinking about the OP, but because he doesn't see a married woman who chases divorced men while still married as a long term prospect.

The OP has to consider the possibility that even if she became single, the answer might still be no. Or he might shag her (and might do so if she continues to pursue) and then dump her.

I know I wouldn't consider a married man who chased me as any kind of life partner prospect in fact I find married men who even flirt deeply irritating but that's just me

Nothing wrong with getting bored and feeling a relationship has run its course, but lying and cheating is sleazy.