He's pissed on the floor

[wishiwasasleep]

I've told him and he's just grunted at me. I'm so tired. I am so angry with him i cant sleep. I don't want to be in bed next to him and i've got no where else to sleep thats comfy. I'm 7 months pregnant with his child and right now i hate him.

Sitting here crying is giving me a headache and making my tummy hurt :( :( He's up there asleep in a comfy bed and i'm down here feeling so alone.

And a good lesson in how adults behave in a relationship.

He got up just after my last post. 2 younger DCs were still in bed.

He came down, sat by me and said i'm so sorry. I just burst into floods and floods of tears. SO bloody annoying. I cant talk when i'm crying, and talking makes me cry.

To cut a long story short i tried to lay my cards on the table re: my feelings about him, how i worry about how much he will drink (can counting), my feelings when he is drunk, and how last night was - for me, at 3am for eg. in tears down here while he was snoring in bed. Have taken on board what was said earlier here, and I didn't do ultimatums or threats - i wanted him to come up with the 'right' answer.

Among lots of other things (we talked for nearly an hour) the important stuff he said was - he obviously cannot handle his drink. He thought he could but he cant. He said he has been drinking less and less - but cannot stop that occasional burst of drinking till everything is gone, and doesnt know why it happens. That all his problems have always stemmed from drink in some way, and that he feels ''alcohol has outstayed it's welcome in [his] life now''. He then said he would buy no more alcohol to have in the house. I said yes, thank you, to this. He asked me what i want him to do - he'd do anything. I said i wasn't going to tell him that. I'm not his controller - but that he had crossed a line now, and needed to do what needs doing without me spelling it out.

I've read all your posts here. You are all completely right. He is an alcoholic. More importantly he knows this too.

Points in response to posts -

• He drinks Fosters, normal strength.
• When he's more than just merry he's shitty to his mates as well. Anyone he comes across (someone upthread asked how he behaved with his mates when drunk)
• He doesn't 'hide' his drinking. If he has a pint out with his mates after work he'll tell me (i can smell it on him easily anyway - nose of a fox)
• The not drinking past 36 weeks was in case i go into labour and he needs to drive.
• The afterwards bit is because he knows it's best for the adults in charge of a baby to be sober.
• He cleaned the piss up, i didn't.

We're getting on with the day. B'day cards etc. Cake. He bought the subject up again in the car earlier - he apologised again. Again said he'd have no more alcohol in the house.

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to post. I can keep you updated if you're interested. I know we're in deep water. I hope last night was a turning point.

Well it sounds like he's taking it seriously. Has he made promises before or is this the first time?

The promises he has made before have related to things like restricting which days he drinks, what he drinks, and keeping note of how much drink he can take before getting 'too drunk'.

He has stuck to these.

He only drinks on a Friday and/or Saturday. He only drinks Fosters as spirits, cider and other beers seem to effect him badly. He has cut down to 4 cans over the last year. He used to drink between 4 and 8, but it made the over drinking more likely.

We was trying hard to stick to the 4 can and no more rule (and that's usually all that he buys) - but although he does fine 90% of the time he has these laspes where he'll come home with more and just plough through them.

So ... he says he'll not bring any more alcohol into the house.

I just knew he'd say sorry. This is the third time he has transgressed since the start of your pregnancy; there will be more occasions as well.

Nothing has really changed.

If he happens to think that he can give up alcohol altogether without any outside help (you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him in this respect and I mean that kindly) then he is sadly mistaken. He may well know he is an alcoholic but words are cheap and he could well be still in denial. It is also NOT down to you to tell him what he wants to do (that puts responsibility upon you); that has to come from him and him alone. That also tells me he is not serious about his alcoholism problem; he does not want to address it. I would not be surprised now if he was to start drinking more outside the home and or hide bottles all over the place.

You do realise of course that this person could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards?.

His birthday should have been cancelled altogether, there have been no consequences for his actions from you really have there?.

You need to look at actions; he has taken no real or concrete action today to address his alcoholism. Its all been pushed under the carpet.

And someone who was drinking a bottle of vodka per day when he was in his 20s is bad news anyway. But you chose him to have as a partner; you need to look at why that exactly is. If this guy for instance is now in his 40s he has had a drink problem for the vast majority of his adult life. It is of no great surprise to me that you've gone on to choose an alcoholic for a partner because you yourself saw alcoholism in your own childhood, you saw your own dad drunk many a time and learnt from it; that's what you've carried over into this relationship now.

I feel for your children in all this; they know and hear far more than you perhaps care to realise. They know their stepfather has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I think you will be posting an update regardless; last night was just a continuation of what will be for you a long and dark time (till you let him go). You need to get off the merry go around that is his alcoholism.

I would recommend that you now start contacting Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers. I would also suggest that you read "Codependent no more" written by Melodie Beattie as there are often co-dependency elements within such relationships.

That's encouraging, but will he seek help?
And it should be a one strike you are out.

And his promise should be of drinking no more. Not not taking alcohol home.
Otherwise there's his escape clause. There is always one for him, isn't there?

Don't leave him any.

"The promises he has made before have related to things like restricting which days he drinks, what he drinks, and keeping note of how much drink he can take before getting 'too drunk'.

He has stuck to these".

No he has not because he breaks any self imposed boundary he cares to set. This coming from a man who drunk a bottle of vodka a day in his 20s. My guess also is that he is still badly underestimating how much he is drinking.

"He only drinks on a Friday and/or Saturday. He only drinks Fosters as spirits, cider and other beers seem to effect him badly. He has cut down to 4 cans over the last year. He used to drink between 4 and 8, but it made the over drinking more likely".

You make that sound like a good thing. It truly is not

"We was trying hard to stick to the 4 can and no more rule (and that's usually all that he buys) - but although he does fine 90% of the time he has these laspes where he'll come home with more and just plough through them".

Not "we". It needs to be him and him alone. You must stop trying to police and or control his drinking; that way madness lies.

So he will drink tonight then. If he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking at all.

I would read the following below because this relates directly to you. You seem to be at stage 2 now, you have a long way to go:-

Stage 0: Does not recognize or admit that there is a problem. Often denies it outright. Enables alcoholic’s behaviour.

Stage 1: Admits that there may be a problem but does not admit the degree to which it affects them. Often blames themselves for the alcoholic’s drinking, especially when the alcoholic gets angry. Fixes problems caused by their alcoholic’s drinking. Sometimes gets angry with their alcoholic. Continues to enable alcoholic’s behaviour.

Stage 2: Truly accepts there is a problem. Starts to confront or challenge the alcoholic’s drinking. Tries to control the alcoholic’s drinking. Makes bargains with them to cut back on their drinking. Often gets angry with their alcoholic. Often without realizing it, they are still enabling the alcoholic’s drinking behaviour.

Stage 3: Realizes that they do not know how to control the alcoholic’s drinking. Looks for outside help, generally not for themselves but for their alcoholic. Anger can increase along with sadness and depression. Still enables alcoholic’s drinking.

Stage 4: Realizes that, regardless what their alcoholic does, they need help to deal with their own life problems. Begins looking for help for themselves; has not yet stopped trying to control the alcoholic. Starts to find out about options for dealing with the problem. Still enabling their alcoholic. Still expresses anger, sadness and depression.

Stage 5: Accepts that there is nothing they can do about their alcoholic’s drinking behaviour; that all they can deal with is the things over which they have control. Begins to learn about acceptance and detachment. Begins to recognize and quit their enabling behaviour. Gets involved in a group therapy program. Works on personal and spiritual development. Works on improving financial situation.

Stage 6: In recovery. Reconnects with family and healthy friends. Gets involved in new interests that are not drinking related. Makes new friends. Improved financial situation. General contentment with their life in spite of their alcoholic’s behaviour.

If he is an alcoholic you can't help him and he won't change without help.
Please don't keep supporting him when he does things like this.
You have your dc to think about and how can you leave a baby in the charge of this man.
I know you might love him and its very hard, I sympathise with you so much. But there will be a next time, and the next and the next.
You sound lovely and deserve so much better.
I have known alcoholics who lost it all, pissed away a fortune and lost not only all their relationships but any form of dignity.

Yes, i take on board about the not drinking/not drinking at home thing.

He's 34 (today) attila. We've been together 7 years. Married for one. Just before we met he was at his worst. He'd been bad between 23 and 26ish. He stopped drinking every day about 5 weeks after we met, and by the time we moved in together (after 2 years) he was only drinking at weekends. It's taken 5 years for his tolerance to fall this low. Just telling you all this for info, not to make a point.

I know i'm no expert at all this. I did 'choose' him, yes. I love him. My XH was/is T total all his life (!) And was detached and pretty cold.

It's interesting what you say about my father. Never thought about it like that b4.

Sorry big Xpost again.

I meant He not We back then.

Hes not drinking tonight.

I agree stage 2 sounds like me at the mo.

Thank you morethan.

My exH was like this. A problem drinker, and I was on tenterhooks to see what state he'd get himself into. He sort of stayed sober for the last few weeks of my pregnancy, but it was such a huge deal, that in itself suggested an alcohol problem.
Anyway, the night we took baby home (DS3) he got so drunk I found him comatose on the kitchen floor.
I left him 6 months later, as he did not take my concerns about his drinking behaviour seriously.
It was so stressful living with a man like this I got severe depression.
I think his drinking behaviour sounds harmful, and you need to think hard if you want to live in this way. I really feel for you x

I recently left my h. Pissing on the floor and being nasty when drunk was his speciality too.
It sounds very similar, my h would 'only' get nasty every few months. He had got a lot lot better as he got older. He got very nasty indeed recently and I left as I realised he would always have it in him to behave that way.

Do you still want to be lying there in bed worrying about his drunk behaviour when you are 50, 60 ? Do you want your dc to clash with him when he is drunk one night and leave home as he is nasty ?

I stayed for years and years but it grinds you down. I have a litre of vodka proudly on my work top for the first time in 18 years as I know it will sit there for ages and he won't drink it and get nasty.

I wish you well but his drinking is not your problem. Just hope it does not damage you and your dc too much.

My OH did this once, we had just moved into a new house and I was around 7 months pregnant too. Luckily we had laminate floor but I woke up to him pissing in the bedroom corner. I was LIVID! I whacked him a few times to wake him up and got a mop and bucket, when I got back into the bedroom he'd gone back to sleep. I think I whacked him a few more times with the mop until he got up and cleaned it.

We had words the next morning and he's never done it since. I can almost laugh about it now.

My ex used to do this regularly when drunk.
I gave him an ultimatum after slipping in it and said if he ever pissed anywhere again I would leave him.
He didn't do it again, so the whole they can't help it argument is ridiculious.
He is my ex because he was still an alcoholic and piss or no piss. He could not stop drinking even for his wife and kids.

Alcoholic, sorry. Would he go to AA?

Thank you so much for the continuing support Especially from those sharing their experiences in their own relationships.

I don't think he would go to AA unless (or until?) i made it an ultimatum.

He had no alcohol last night. (b.day) We stayed in and eldest + her BF came round to give presents and stay over. They bought 8 bottles of J20 with them (by pure co-incidence) and we shared those and watched a couple of films. DH was genuinely happy and relaxed all evening.

To be fair on him this is a new point in his relationship with alcohol. 'We' haven't been here before, ie: him seeking not to drink at home at all any more, coupled with the incentive of a baby on the way. I feel i need to at least give him one chance to show me he can do it.

Once again today he bought the subject of drink up while we were out in the car. He said out of nowhere 'They don't drink do they?'. I knew who he meant - DD (20) and her BF. I said quite breezily 'oh yes, they like a couple when they go out together, but don't bother very often'. He was quiet for a bit and then said ' ... God i've got a shit attitude to drink haven't i? A real problem. It's a real problem isn't it?' I said yes, you have. Or you did have. Maybe this is the turning point - no drink at home ...'. He nodded.

Did i do the wrong thing? Should i be pushing harder for him to get professional help, or can he do this on his own? Part of the reason i'm reluctant to push for this is that his father 'frog marched' him to the Doc's when he was in his mid 20s about his alcohol problem. He was resistant to it but felt obliged - the GP was unhelpful in the extreme, and i THINK (i don't know) that this will be what he'll think of as typical 'professional help', and that's not a healthy attitude. I have no idea exactly what AA would be like.

professional help is all well and good and really ultimatums don't work with addicts.
they will promise you everything will be different but it won't.
my ex gave up drinking for a month to prove to me he didn't need alcohol.
how did he celebrate this sober month by drinking so much he ended up in hospital.
he was what I would describe as a functioning alcoholic while he worked.
when he lost his job that was it really.
I understand you wanting to see if he will change I spent 10 years doing it.
but please if you ever feel second best to alcohol call it a day.
it will only get worse, would you want kids in the environment, learning that daddy drinks when he is sad, happy, bored etc.
I am projecting I know and hope this is seriously just a blip for you guys

sorry lost my train of thought in that post.
my ex went to aa twice and decided he wasn't like those people necause he didn't drink until 12.
it is very common for there to be self imposed restraints like not drinking til a certain time or not drinking at home (you may find he spends less time at home)
it makes alcoholics feel like they are in control of their drinking.

No, he cannot do this on his own and you cannot help him. He does not want your help or support either.

This is no turning point and you could spend years of your life now waiting for an epiphany. He will drag you and your children down with him.

Unless he is serious about giving up alcohol nothing you can do or say to him will make any difference whatsoever. HE has to be the one who decides when to stop or seek proper help. His Dad's actions years back were doomed to failure anyway because coercion was involved.

But I have to look at you and your part in this. Why did you not walk away and actually embark on a relationship with such a person?. You after all grew up with a father who drank heavily.

Not drinking at home means nothing as he will drink outside the home, its yet another bargaining chip.

You love him of that I have no doubt but he loves alcohol more, his primary relationship is with drink and alcohol is a cruel mistress. If you truly love him, let him go.

What is the longest period of time to your knowledge that he has gone without any alcohol?.

You are running a very real risk here of making his alcoholism your problem and your responsibility to own and or solve.

He won't change, don't flush your own future away on someone like this.

wishiswasasleep,

You are playing out a number of roles here. You have been the provoker, these roles are interchangeable:-

The "provoker" reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She either waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!
She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.

She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments -- even months or years later.

The Martyr
The "martyr" is ashamed of the alcoholic's behaviour and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighbourhood!"
She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.

Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel guilty for his behaviour.

Which is the Enabler?
The above examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home.
The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.
So which of the spouses described above is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem?

All of them.

I have just read through this thread and am so sad for you, OP. Bitter experience of alcoholics - father, and a much loved (now dead) partner ... honestly, your husband HAS to go cold turkey, give up the booze forever. Hopefully he could - sounds though he has a good measure of self-awareness and obviously values and loves you.

But he can't go 'half measures', just boozing at weekends, Christmas, birthdays, when it's a full moon etc. etc. He has to stop, he can't handle it. I'd really push him regarding AA and also, discuss with his GP what help is out there. He IS an alcoholic. But he can do something about it and he has everything to aim for - you, a child soon to be born, your kids (and to give him credit, he sounds a good stepfather). I do have to admit to a moment of laughter in the sorry tale - when you said that he tried blaming the poor CAT for pissing on the floor!

I am wishing you so much well.