Emotional affair, dp found out. Now what?

[YesIveNameChanged]

That's basically it to be honest

I've been having an emotional affair for the past few months. So as not to drip feed the EA was with someone I have a history with, but who I'd been NC with for quite some years until recently.

Dp found the messages we had been sending one another and has basically said I'm dead to him and we're over. He's no interested in talking about it, has just said I'm an idiot and a mug. (He's now gone out for a drive)

I have 2 very young dcs with dp. I've lost my financial independence as I only work part time 3 evenings a week so I can be at home for the kids during the day. Dp says he's going to keep the kids, can he do this?

I know I need to see citizens advice to get some info about benefits I can claim, but is there anything I can do this weekend?

I don't think this is fixable between us. I've screwed up massively but I just want to make sure my dc's don't suffer from the fallout.

Your posts across the board are all very similar in flavour Ola so I am afraid I will have to reserve my judgement on your intentions while posting on this thread .

You have mentioned you are not particularly bothered about the break up with your current DP,does that mean does that mean the EA is likely to blossom in to something a bit more meaningful?

The reason for the breakdown of the relationship is irrelevant. If a couple with children split the children should always stay in the family home and their main carer should always stay with them (unless there's a safety issue)

It may be particularly crappy for him in this situation but anything else is punishing the kids cause he's hurting.

Suggesting that he becomes the new main carer ignores the fact that he is not currently their main carer and that would add confusion and distress to them at an already confusing time. That would not be in the children's best interest.

Ahem, an emotional affair means there was no sex... Just saying.

I have never been unfaithful, or had EAs, and I still think the OP isn't a bad parent. Bad wife, but not bad parent.
Yes, it's crap for the other partner, but the children's main carer should continue to be their main carer, or at the very least 50-50.
It's up for the couple to decide, but the OP should never be bullied into leaving her children over this. It sounds very 18th century.

Why do people keep groaning on about fault, blame and punishment?

The number one issue here is the welfare of the children. Their needs come first.

Their needs are not addressed by "punishing" their main carer and throwing her out of their home!

This is one of the most vitriolic and misinformed threads I have seen on here. It's very sad to see this point-scoring and pursuit of personal agendas on a forum where people post looking for help, advice and support.

The op has previous 'history' with this man

She is now engaging with him again.... So far it's just an 'emotional affair' .... So far

She states she isn't too bothered that her relationship has broken down

So.... Her DP should move out and leave her in the house he's worked hard for, with the kids he loves. With the new man on the scene.... Hmmm

I fully refer to Olgaga's post.

And mention the 18th century again.

We don't know what the history is and as for a new man, it could happen with either partner regardless of what happened during the marriage.

Wow. Just wow.

A lot of mumsnetters thinking with "their dick" this morning.

Indeed, indeed Spirulina.

Who is looking after the children the three evenings you work?

So, out of 5 working days, you look after them 5 days he works, and he looks after them the 3 evenings you work, and you share care for 2 days?

OP you will need to work and, possibly full time, once you split, so no reason why you should not go 50-50 on shared custody.

No reason why your dp should lose his children because you are thinking with your Vag.

I've certainly experienced this kind of behaviour but done to me not by me.

As for the rest of your post littlemisstwinset what a lot of hysterical nonsense.

I note that you've either name changed or joined MN specifically to post that. I don't know whether to be flattered or concerned .

I feel so sorry for the husband here. His wife has an EA, he finds out and is judged by his immediate reaction, when his world is falling apart. How many women have posted that they regret the things they said in the early days of finding out about their husbands affair? But suddenly this man should up sticks and not see his dc because his wife had an affair??

For those who think that this is just minor and his reaction is out of proportion, who do you think you are? If my DH had an affair, sexual or emotional wouldn't make a difference to me. I'd feel pretty betrayed and be wanting him to leave pretty damn sharpish. I'd bet that no-one would judge me for it.

OP it seems you don't care about your DH anymore. Look at 50/50 residency and try and get out of this mess as peacefully as you can.

Have people been drinking?

The OP never suggested her still partner should lose the children.
He did say he's keeping them.

Children are not pawns to punish the respective partners. Whatever happens should have the best for the children in mind. And unfaithfulness is not on the definition of bad parenting.

Furthermore, an EA means there are likely to be emotions involved. It's not fair to say the op is thinking with her vagina (I'd say clitoris) without knowing what exactly happened.

everything needs to calm down a bit

right now he is FUMING and wants to hurt you

all you can do right now is keep your head down , apologise and care for your DC

as others have said, the courts decide on whats best for the DC, not on who cheated!!!!

I think you need to allow him to vent his anger, and let things run their course for a few weeks

OP its also worth having counselling to explore why you did this? in time this will pass . but its worth exploring WHY you did it so you dont do it again

alot of people will send very snippy nasty posts, but try and focus on practical issues

must be really shitty for everyone , sympathies,,,

He wants to hurt you op, as much as you have hurt him.

His reactions are knee jerk. Yours have been deliberate, and over time.

Give him a break.

No he won't get custody of the children just because you were the one who cheated, it doesn't work like that. The children's welfare is paramount and you're their mother, they're very young so the obvious scenario is that you and they stay in the family home. The court won't take your dp's angry hurt feelings into account.

I can understand why he has threatened it though. Because you couldn't control yourself, he stands to lose his home and his children. That sucks. But it's better for the children (probably, I don't know you) so he'll have to lump it.

Tip for the future - finish the relationship you are in before embarking on another one. You're an adult and a parent, you can't just please yourself.

What greensleeves said.

He will calm down. I hope you will be able to talk sensibly. I told my H I was so angry I could kill him. I am guessing he didn't take me seriously. I don't think you should either. But please be sympathetic to his pain.

"If a couple with children split the children should always stay in the family home and their main carer should always stay with them (unless there's a safety issue)"

IMO no one in the DPs position with an ounce of self respect and love for their kids is going to put up with that outcome without a hell of a fight.

Also IMO, a lot of people on here need to put themselves into the DPs position (and maybe think hes a woman, to see it without bias), think about what they would do, and then re think their advice.

So should the main carer leave then and leave the dc as has been said on here?

No matter what fuck ups the grown ups have visited upon themselves the priority in any split is the welfare of the children.

Anything else is punishment of the wrongdoer. How does that help the kids ?

I would say exactly the same to a woman!

An emotional affair with no physicality involved is no cause to leave children and proclaim your partner metaphorically dead.

you reckon??

Id be much more upset over an emotional affair than i would over physical sex.

I also dont see why moving out with children is supposedly so damaging to children.

Ive moved with my children several times.

HotDog - Different people react differently. For some people, a one night stand could be forgiven but not something that was emotional. Personally, if I had an OH and I found loads of messages they'd been sending to someone they had history with (presumably ex-lover, ex-partner), I'm afraid either they'd be out on their ear or I'd walk away. Because I believe in trust and once that's gone, I can't get it back.

Yes, that would break up the family unit, but I wouldn't be happy and that's not good for the children.

"I would say exactly the same to a woman!"

Interesting how everyone claims that, and yet reverse threads are always totally different in tone.

I completely agree Lazyjaney.

The family dynamics are going to change if they decide to separate and who's to say the father shouldn't be the main carer? Why would that be damaging to the children? The OP hasn't made claims of him being a bad father at all and she hasn't mentioned abuse.

He is their father and is just as capable of raising his children as she is.

HotDog your posts have brought tears to my eyes, how dare you assume that an EA is a "minor indiscresion" (sic) and that "He is being fucking ridiculous actually, and extremely selfish."

I hope you manage to be a bit more sympathetic in RL.

But why should he begin to be the main carer if he's been happy for her to until now? To the point that she works evenings to work around his schedule?

Just to spite her and keep the children?