Emotional affair, dp found out. Now what?

[YesIveNameChanged]

That's basically it to be honest

I've been having an emotional affair for the past few months. So as not to drip feed the EA was with someone I have a history with, but who I'd been NC with for quite some years until recently.

Dp found the messages we had been sending one another and has basically said I'm dead to him and we're over. He's no interested in talking about it, has just said I'm an idiot and a mug. (He's now gone out for a drive)

I have 2 very young dcs with dp. I've lost my financial independence as I only work part time 3 evenings a week so I can be at home for the kids during the day. Dp says he's going to keep the kids, can he do this?

I know I need to see citizens advice to get some info about benefits I can claim, but is there anything I can do this weekend?

I don't think this is fixable between us. I've screwed up massively but I just want to make sure my dc's don't suffer from the fallout.

I'm really not trying to be awkward, I'm just challenging the way that people assume the mother must be the RP.

I don't think anyone is saying she must be the RP are they? I certainly am not. They are just posting with the information given that at the moment she is.

That is definitely what I am getting from the subtext to a lot of posts.

I wish the OP would come back and let us know how she is. It does sound like she wants out of her relationship and fair enough if that's the case.

My reason for contributing to this thread was to counter the assumption that the OP's partner should leave and that he was overreacting.

The OP hasn't given enough information for anyone to decide what the best thing to do is. We all agree that the DCs come first and that should be the starting point.

Itsokay

No, the Father wouldn't be able to give up work and claim IS. They'd want a bloody good reason why he's given up work! And I'm pretty certain that if he said he'd given up work to be the main carer for his kids, there would be lots of questions asked about the mother and her situation.

Haedly surprising OP hasn't been back. I imagine she's getting the help and accurate advice she needs through PMs.

*Hardly

I would think (but I don't know) that giving up work as he has become a LP (due to the OP's behaviour making their relationship untenable) would be a good enough reason to be eligible for such a claim.

The OP already works 3 nights a week, who looks after the children then? Why should she be allowed to continue with her life as if nothing has changed and the father loses everything?

As I said before, I am just trying to counter the assumption that the mother has the right to live with the DCs. I do not know enough this situation to claim I am right, I am just listing possibilities.

So we are now encouraging the op to go

On benefits?

Not good for anyone

I think this should be considered as any other split, for whatever reason.
Who takes care of the children should have them, the other person could choose to leave. Or they both leave to separate houses.

Not that I think the OP is reading anymore.

I am am still here, as you can probably appreciate it has been a hard couple of days.

I haven't had chance to read all the replies, but I will endeavour to do so this evening and answer / reply accordingly.

I do hope that you're all starting to see your way through this YINC.

HotDogSlaughter "He is being fucking ridiculous actually, and extremely selfish....It sounds like he wants out and is using this very minor indiscresion as an excuse."

Brilliant evaluation....considering she had almost no relevant information, whilst of course choosing to ignore completely the fact that the OP herself said "I've been having an emotional affair for the past few months....with someone I have a history with", and admits that she has "...screwed up massively". We should all remember this next time a woman complains of her husband's/partner's emotional affair - its just a 'minor'.

I have no idea what her own hang ups are but HotDogSlaughter is clearly just here to project them rather than help the OP. People like her are dangerous in the sense that they will go to any lengths to convince you (i.e. typically women) that nothing is really your fault or within your power, and that your bad decisions are really down to other people... even when YOU yourself are quite prepared to acknowledge that it is your fault (as is the case with the OP, much to her credit).

What a load of nonsense " people like her are dangerous" because I propose a different point of view? So threatened about something - maybe your OWN hang up?

Of course the op has betrayed her partner to a degree, but his reaction is off the scale and from what I read there is more going on with him. He is punishing her in a way that doesn't fit the "crime". It's all speculative and I never proclaimed to know all the definitive answers. But I speak from some life experience.

Good luck op!

HotDogSlaughter

There's a difference between offering a different viewpoint, and just plain making things up out of thin air. For example:

"...The DP is not thinking of his children...." - How do you know this? How do you know he hasn't decided that he can longer trust the OP, and that it would be best long term for them to split? Would you dare to suggest on here that a woman who wanted to leave after her husband's EA was 'being selfish and not thinking of her children'?

"He is being selfish and totally childish to tell op she is dead to him after a few emotional exchanges with another guy which may be down to problems within the marriage anyway." - To say she is dead to him is certainly dramatic, but he might well hate her that much for what she has done, and your attempt to blame the OP's behaviour on some 'problems' in the marriage is just plain pathetic, seeing as the Op herself hasn't even resorted to this.

"...he needs to grow up and think about the consequences for the poor children" - ....Which ironically enough is what the OP failed to do. If he doesn't want to be with her anymore, are you honestly saying he should suck it up for the sake of the children?

It's just past Halloween, but something intellectually dishonest this way comes....

"Something intellectually dishonest this way comes"

Eh?

"Are you honestly saying he should suck it up for the sake of the children?"

Yes.

sparklysilversequins - ...You're not a Relate counsellor by any chance are you?

Jeez! [Shock] wtf?

If I had read some of these responses when I posted about my H's affair I'd have been finished! I have read blame-shifting (there must have been something wrong for OP to cheat), minimising (it was just a few conversations), total lack of empathy (expecting him to be utterly calm and rational when he found out - I sure as hell wasn't!)

OP, as has been pointed out he can't take the children away from you. It was almost certainly said in the heat of the moment to hurt you. Childish? Yep, but forgivable I would suggest. Give the poor bastard a break!

Intellectually dishonesty - You know, putting a proposition forward just to support an agenda, even though there is nothing to support the proposition (e.g. suggesting that there are 'problems' in the relationship so as to minimise the OP's behaviour, even though the OP herself suggested no such thing).

Just thought I'd help you out sparklysilversequins. No need to thank me, I like being helpful

No.

OrmirianResurgam ... spot on. The world is all about opinions are, but for the sake of fairness and credibility, it's important that people (...they know who they are) who practice this kind of insidious double-standard are quite frankly called out on their sh*t.

sparklysilversequins... Oh good. We can all sleep soundly now.

You don't seem very helpful Ola. You haven't actually offered the OP any decent advice at all. Just picked apart other posts that you don't agree with. What do YOU actually think about her dilemma?

sparklysilversequins "...You don't seem very helpful Ola. You haven't actually offered the OP any decent advice at all. Just picked apart other posts that you don't agree with. What do YOU actually think about her dilemma?"

On the contrary... I have helped the OP by pointing out the kind of advice she should NOT be taking from the discussion, and why she shouldn't be taking it.

The OP hasn't really given that much information, and so there is little real practical advise I can offer. I have therefore kept my mouth shut to her (save that I commended her for being honest about her own culpability).