Emotional affair, dp found out. Now what?

[YesIveNameChanged]

That's basically it to be honest

I've been having an emotional affair for the past few months. So as not to drip feed the EA was with someone I have a history with, but who I'd been NC with for quite some years until recently.

Dp found the messages we had been sending one another and has basically said I'm dead to him and we're over. He's no interested in talking about it, has just said I'm an idiot and a mug. (He's now gone out for a drive)

I have 2 very young dcs with dp. I've lost my financial independence as I only work part time 3 evenings a week so I can be at home for the kids during the day. Dp says he's going to keep the kids, can he do this?

I know I need to see citizens advice to get some info about benefits I can claim, but is there anything I can do this weekend?

I don't think this is fixable between us. I've screwed up massively but I just want to make sure my dc's don't suffer from the fallout.

gosh what a lot of people projecting on this thread. sparklysilversequins has given very sensible advice.

He sounds very punitive and aggressive to me. I'd be interested to know if he's generally like this in all areas of the relationship.

So on the logic of some of you on here, the OP and her two very small children, one under a year old, to whom she is the main carer need to leave their home and be totally disrupted because it's not fair on him to have to leave? The only part of that that makes any sense is "it's not fair". No it isn't but he's going to suck it up because that's what's best for the dc. And OP will now be a lone parent a lot of the time which is pretty hard work btw.

To be perfectly frank who really knows anything about this relationship or whether it could be repaired because old Drama Llama is pretending OP is dead and refuses to communicate with her.

I'd say exactly the same if the OP was a man and the roles reversed because it's not about gender it's about little kids needing the worlds not to be turned upside down. It's not about grown adults getting what's "fair".

OP... hope some of the responses here haven't scared you off. Have you been able to talk to each other yet?

He is being fucking ridiculous actually, and extremely selfish.

It sounds like he wants out and is using this very minor indiscresion as an excuse.

Suppose op continues the EA and it moves on further? A new man to factor in...

Also, op DP could have 50/50 which is the starting point in court for contact. So effectively could have the dc for 3/4 days at a time. He will need a home for them as well. So moving out would solve nothing either

Spirulina - how will DP have the children for 3/4 days at a time when he works full time and from the sounds of their current arrangements, they can't afford to put the children in nursery?

How?

Also, you're on about "in court". They aren't married and couples are generally encouraged to sort out their own arrangements, or go to mediation before court happens.

It's a bit grim, the knife twisting that's going on here.

Although, I wouldn't want to minimise the EA. Everyone is entitled to their dealbreakers.

Just a word of caution about the cab, I went for advice and was given completely the wrong information. Have a look at other threads on here and try entitled to and I would also point out that op isn't here for those of you who feel like it to throw vile comments, be grown up and help or ignore. Hope you get sorted.

OP, you need to give him time to think. Are you bfing? If so then it would be better for him to go and stay with a friend or his mum until he works out what he wants to do, if not then I think it would be respectful for you to stay elsewhere for a while. He is the children's father and, unless you have proof to claim otherwise, he is just as capable of raising your (as in both of of your) children.

When he has calmed down you can talk properly about residency and access etc.

Just because you haven't done anything physical with this other man doesn't mean it will hurt any less. I am a bit shocked at some of the replies you're receiving. What did you think would happen when you engaged in this behaviour?

I'm shocked that people think the OP should leave her kids one of whom is a baby because a grown adult is upset.

I'm shocked that people think the OP should leave her kids one of whom is a baby because a grown adult is upset.

I think we should keep that advice for next time a poster is on here saying that they've found out their partner has had an emotional affair, "why should they have to leave just because you, a grown adult, is upset?".

The DP is not thinking of his children. He is being selfish and totally childish to tell op she is dead to him after a few emotional exchanges with another guy which may be down to problems within the marriage anyway.

Jesus he needs to grow up and think about the consequences for the poor children.

Vivacia - again the key difference is that the mother is the primary carer for the children.

Absolutely Gosh and the children shouldn't be removed from her. However, I don't think his position should be dismissed as a "grown adult being upset". He has every reason to be angry and hurt after being betrayed. Which is why we don't tell women who have been wronged to be "grown up" about their partners' affairs.

The DP is not thinking of his children. We don't know that HotDog. He equally might be angry and hurt on behalf of his children as well as himself.

Jesus he needs to grow up and think about the consequences for the poor children. He's not the only one, and he's not in this position because of his own actions.

I hope the OP is in a better position today and has a clearer picture of what's going to happen.

I am not dismissing his upset. I am answering those who are saying it should come before the well being of the dc, ie OP moving out and leaving them with him.

The dc are probably used to Dad being gone for extended periods of time, not so with Mum and this will cause the distress, especially the 10 month old. In this case I do think that trumps his upset.

this will cause the distress... In this case I do think that trumps his upset.

I agree, both parents should have been making choices to not cause their children distress.

sparkling I do get your point but I think the onus is on the OP to be making things right. She cannot expect to get found out and everything to be okay. That's not how it works.

They are BOTH the DC's parents and have an equal right and responsibility to care for them. They should definitely not be removed from their home. How about the OP moves out (if she isn't bfing) and goes to the house each day whilst the father is working.

She is the one in the wrong here and the presumption that the DCs would be harmed more by their mother living elsewhere for a short time is sexist. Do you think single dads are worse parents than single mothers?

I have been in the dad's position and I threw DS's father out as it was the third time he had done this. It nearly fucking killed me but I had to do it, there was no way I was letting DS grow up believing that his father's behaviour was an acceptable way of treating someone he supposedly loved.

But she did and its not particularly proactive to keep dwelling on her "punishment" is it? If there were no dc involved then she should of course move out. But there is.

I don't think she does expect everything to be ok, not from the posts I have read. She seems to want to protect her dc from any further damage. She's not posted much do we don't really know whether or not she is willing to accept her punishment or not.

As you said, it's not about her punishment, she will be suffering I have no doubt. It is about the children's well being which is why I said that they should not be removed from their home. What is important is that she has no right to expect to carry on living there with her partner just because she is female, she is the one that has to make things right whether that be as a couple or as a single parent.

She has given no reasons or further details as to why she had this EA so I can only go on what she has written.

No she has no right to continue to carry on living with her partner but she has every right to carry on living with her children and unfortunately as main carer that needs to be in the family home.

As I said before its not a gender thing afaic it's a Main Carer issue.

If she leaves then she will need to work to pay for herself and her children which would put her in the same position as her XP so the role of main carer would change.

The advice I received on here when I was going through what the OP's partner is going through was so very very different. It helped me so much and gave me the courage to throw him out and assure me it wasn't my fault. I find it very difficult to read some of what has been said on here. Not by you silver I hasten to add!

gosh what's being married, or not,got to do with anything??

I mention court cos this is generally how these things go.... This is already messy and acrimonious. At this early stage

And people DO manage 50/50 AND work you know

Actually ItsOkay as a mother with children under the age of 5, OP would not have to work. She would be able to claim Income Support until her youngest child is 5. So she could continue to be main carer until her youngest is at school, if that's how she wants to do it.

So would the father be able to give up work and claim IS? He may think about that.