There are LITERALLY a bajillion red flags here - so why am I still hanging on?

[kumamon]

Firstly, I would like to clarify that my use of literally is intended as a hilarious joke.

OK - I'll try to keep this short, but drip-feed free:

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. Last month I found out he had been meeting up and sleeping with a 'good friend' of his in another city 4 or 5 times since we've been together. Including spending Christmas with her and lying to me that he was at home with family. I know this because she found out about me and called me. I had never even heard her name until a week before she called (I started a previous thread about this and everyone sensibly told me to LTB then).

I've found out since that he also cheated on his ex with this girl.

Even I am screaming LTB at myself, yet I haven't done it - he is begging forgiveness, rationalising why he did it ("he was afraid he was going to lose me and hiding from the pain" is one extraordinarily illogical example), saying he's a different person now it has all come out, saying he knows he wants me. And even though I don't really believe him, I'm still hanging in there and can't figure out why.

Well, it's partly my age - I'm mid thirties, but would still like to think that kids were a possibility for me. It's partly that I do love him. It's partly that I don't want to go through the whole break up thing again (I've had a significant bereavements and break ups for the last 5 years). It's a number of factors. Seriously though - if anyone else was writing this I would be infuriated that they were still in the relationship. What the hell is wrong with me?

You're staying with him because you want kids.

But you will never have kids with this man and nor should you. But every day you are with him you are missing out on someone who could love and respect you and have children with.

Oh, and this: these aren't red flags - red flags are warnings. He's actually done the stuff that red flags are there to warn you about.

Every day you stay with this piece of shit is a day that you miss out on the chance to meet a wonderful caring and loving man.

I was with an abusive arsehole for far too long who treated me in a similar way. I finally left him and, wow, what an eye opener.

Not long after I left him, I met my wonderful dh. I would never have met him if I'd stayed with my toxic ex.

Babe... you can't meet the daddy of your children while you're spending time with this loser.

Time to move on and find the one you deserve.

Dump the motherfucker already.

Yes crazy to think there is anything to assess. Having children is hard enough with a man you really love and who really loves you. Throw this tosspot in the mix and you have no hope of a happy ending.

Use this weekend as a chance to pack up any remaining stuff and get well rid.

He's not a keeper.
Fwiw I kept a 'relationship' going too long twice because I had plane tickets booked. Both 'holidays' were utterly grim.
I have no idea if exp was also cheating, but I certainly suspect so- again, Skype issues, visits to home country etc, ld relationship- I find it hard to believe he didn't take the opportunity to cheat.
Draw the line. It's about self respect. Believe me, I know how hard it is to let go of a fantasy that you're invested in. But if you think about it, it's a pretty crap fantasy.

my final twopence.

my relationship with my last boyfriend. we both weren't great for each other, he couldn't or wouldn't talk about issues, I suspect he was hung up (for various reasons) on commitment, his ex-GF etc. I think I should've listened when he told me he'd be the last of his friends to get married (at 40).

anyway, this relationship was great as it controlled my anger issues generally, we got on etc BUT I did put up with a lot of shit that I would not put up with now, because I was 39, last chance saloon and all that.

Now I know all that is BOLLOX and better to be alone than with someone whom it simply is NOT worth making it work with.

OP - that is IT in a nutshell.

I think you WILL go back with him, your self confidence is shot to pieces.

Thank you SO SO SO much to all of you who have posted your thoughts and advice and support on here, I am really grateful.

I know what a lot of you are saying about self-confidence and self-esteem. I want to be able to report back here soon that I have located both of them in the depths of my soul and acted accordingly.

you don't want kids with this looser!

you deserve a whole lot more

You have had a whole lot of messages here all telling you the same thing. You've listened, and what's more accepted most of it. So you are a self aware, strong woman. Find that self esteem for your own sake and keep it safely with you.

God, I hope you find the strength to do what you need to. I'm sorry to say that no matter what he may say, when you finally leave he will shed very few tears and move along to his next victim. Sorry.

How long would you let an infestation of cockroaches live with you? He's even worse.

Sending you and . You bloody well deserve the lot.

What is it that really keeps you in there OP?
Serious question. Really think about it.

2013go - I've been thinking about this since yesterday and am really struggling to come up with an answer, which says a lot in itself I guess.
Previously, I really thought he was genuine - one of life's good people. He was easy going and funny - we just got along brilliantly and I fell in love with him.

Now, since this has come out, I see a weak, selfish person. Things which I previously accepted as harmless quirks (like him always talking) now drive me crazy.

Anyway, as many of you suspected I would - I am going on the holiday with him. We leave tomorrow. I know it is frustrating when you can clearly see someone making a mistake with their choices. All I can say is that I can see it too, and I think the tipping point where it forces me to act isn't far off. Maybe next time I post it will be with that news.

Honestly you sound exactly like my sister, accepting any bollocks a man throws at you in order to not be alone. I can't scream at you and give you the good hard shake that you definitely need but I will tell you:

YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!! So stop letting yourself be treated this way!

kumamon - you won't see this but sadly I see you as being weak (yes am being harsh) and even selfish (for you) in that you will accept anything.

I know tons of women who stay with men who are no good me included and all I can say is that you will learn the hard way.

I don't know what comes over women/men who behave in this way I think it is almost blinkered.

I think you will make your own ways/mind up about this man. I would suggest maybe you read through this thread at a quiet time.

At the end of the day, we ALL make our own decisions when we are ready, regardless of what others say, even if they are right. You've yet to reach your limit with this man but I'm sure it will come. I hope you get some enjoyment out of the holiday before you come back to the same situation. I hate the fact that us women feel we have to work at it or fix it, even when it's not our own bloody doing.

Eeeek well of course it is up to you and maybe you will take a long hard look at him while you're away. Friends come in all shapes and sizes but for me someone you share your life with at a very much deeper level of trust has to be that bit special.

Be nice to catch up if you come back on here after your return even if you name change and start a new thread, (but I'm not sure if you'll get many altered opinions). Best of luck.

HelloBoys I definitely see the weak thing too - and frankly I should have learnt the hard way by now, my ex-fiance treated me like utter shit more than once too (this is all to do with the bereavements and grief I mentioned in my OP) I did eventually sum up the balls to leave and have never looked back.

Seeing me as selfish is more surprising, I've never thought of myself as that - but I'd be interested to hear why you think that.

But anyway, thanks again to you all - I can assure you I will read through this thread, as I have done already more than once. I will also come back and update, regardless of the situation - I don't expect altered opinions, I am grateful for the honest ones.

Hi Kumamon

I think after 5 years of bereavements and grief (I had a similar period of the same thing) you SHOULD either be over this or maybe seek counselling to help you. I DID have counselling after I broke up with my BF at that time.

I think selfish - it is not in a nasty way but you are thinking of yourself and being selfish in thinking of your own wants/needs re this relationship and this man. You just seem to be so blinkered looking past all the red flags yet there's no lightbulb for you. You don't seem to be thinking eg for future kids you may have, YOUR OWN LIFE etc...

I don't know what your friends/family think IRL.

And well my last BF - he was nice but we were also mismatched but the one before where I too went on holiday with him (cried in chalet on Kefalonia! over my cereal!) discovered after we broke up he cheated on me - etc - but I was selfish being with him as I WANTED a relationship, and I almost didn't care how he treated me. see the pattern? he bought me designer Jewellery (Tiffany, Boodles etc) and I was happy with that. All my friends when I was with him and I told them (at first) he was jealous and possessive they warned me off - me not having THAT much experience of that thought I could handle it. God was I wrong.

2 years of hell and my confidence shot to pieces that relationship.

I am just telling you this (maybe should be advising not telling you) so you open your eyes.

be selfish for YOU and good things you want not this behaviour.

You know what was the BEST thing for me when I was out of my 2 year hellish relationship?

I booked a cheap flight to USA to see a good friend of mine - (me and BF were still OFF/ON at this stage) - when I told him where/when I was going he got upset and wanted to go with me (despite my friend in USA not liking him, LOL). Also a few months after that I did a mosaic making summer school for a week and for some reason I'd seen by accident this BF (we were not dating) - I realised whilst doing this course that I was doing something for a change that I ENJOYED! which he didn't like or wasn't interested in. do you see?

kumamon I understand the pull you feel, I think. I found it virtually impossible to let go of a relationship like this. But I had to once it was clear there was an OW- and this information was not given out freely by exp until I confronted it head on. Which rather mad me wonder how many other ones there had been/ how long he'd been with her :(
Still I found it hard and was in a place where any crumb would do.
does your dps home country have different attitudes to women and relationships? Mine's did. But that's no excuse!!!
He won't do you any good, now or ever.